Head Mess

[absencefoinder]

So I dont normally register at these sorts of sites but my situation has spun everything on its head and Im a bit of a mess atm.

 

Backstory: I took a year off work to visit the world. I visited 35 countries and completed my awesome once in a lifetime bucket list visiting the 7 wonders of the world. Along the way I met a lot of girls and had a lot of fun. I met this cool Australian chick in Laos who I travelled with for 10 days and we hit it off and within 4 hours of meeting were in bed together. We went through Laos together and even made love in a treehouse in the middle of the Laos jungle in a thundestorm but this girl was everything I would ever want in a girlfriend. She was no princess but she was a great friend who liked a beer and had a beautiful smile and a girl I could talk to about anything. Due to our travelling commitments after Laos we were going in opposite directions. During those 10 days I got so close to this girl and started getting a lot of feelings. Practically after 10 days I knew that if I told her how Id felt it would just sound absurd so I bit my tongue and played it cool and we both continued with our trip agreeing we had an awesome time. We stayed in touch messaging each other back and forth with little updates over the net months and years saying we missed each other but our paths were always destined never to cross. I got back from my trip and got a job in France and she ended up getting a tourist visa to work in London. Not too far away right? I owed a lot of money after returning and was under a lot of stress and a girl was the last thing on my mind when I returned but I always thought we would have our time together one day. We carried on messagaing every few weeks or so until one day she put this picture up of her and a guy on facebook and she looked really happy. I was hurt and jealous but tried to not let it show. I sent her a message wishng them the best of luck and that he was a lucky guy and then for a year or so didnt hear anything back. She looked happy so I let her get on with her life. You know the old cliche if you love someone set her free, if its meant to be it will come back. Well I honestly didnt think anything until a few weeks ago, she sends me a message saying she is over visiting Paris and it would be great to meet up. I said sure she can save some money and crash at my place, testing the water to see if she was stil with this guy. She says cool and then rocks into Paris the following week.

 

We end up going on a 15 hour bender drinking round Paris and she tells me she is seeing this guy who when her tourist visa expires will head over to australia with her. A bit jealous and annoyed that she hadnt told me i bite my tongue as I enjoyed hanging out anyways and I did want to catch up. She still had that smile. We end up doing sites between bars and end up at the top of the eiffel tower and end up kissing before going round more bars on an alocohol infused day. We end up at this fancy restaurant by her assertion looking down over the Eiffel tower at 11pm. She orders the most expensive bottle of champagne to share and which she went halves on and the night is going great but then i get mad saying i cant do this **** anymore, why isnt she there with her fella. This makes her cry and she ends up saying that she thought about me for a long time and it took her 6 months to get me out her system. Of course cos im a soppy git she sets me off crying as well so we are both crying over 110 euro champers looking like a pair of lemons. She then goes on to say I was a ***** and that if id liked her i would have acted and gone to see her in London. In a way she was right but I had bigger issues after my trip such as trying to afford to eat. The night moves on and she ends up at my place. I tell her that we could have worked and conquered the world together and she says so what are you gonna do? come out to australia nd work and quit your job, No so why talk about this. Then as an afterthought says it doesnt matter anyway and that she loves her bf. The next day we dont talk about things and carry on with sightseeing. I walk her back to the eurostar and tell her i cant do this. I cant be friend zoned. I want it all or nothing. When I get gack home I send her a message saying I am crazy about her and tried to explain why i didnt make the effort explaining her bf made me jealous and she looked happy with him. After that I left it for her to think on until a weekend later i was drunk and messaged her saying couldnt get her out my head. She replies saying she goes back to Oz in March and I need to forget her. She said she was sorry for messing my head up and that was never her intention. I reply saying I am sorry that i couldnt be a better friend.

 

This is where we are at and I just feel like the memory of us travelling has been ruined and I just feel confused. A lot of it is responsibility and knowing that it could have worked if only id taken a risk. I miss her and hate the way things have been left between us. Since then I have sent her a text saying i have stuff to deal with in my head and that she has always got a friend in me.

 

Its been a month since all that and Im still trying to get my head round everything. I know I should just let it go and practically there is nothing I can do to save the situation. I am just having a hard time moving on and hate that I no longer have her in my life.

 

Sorry for the epic saga. Im just wondering if anyone would have any insight into this situation.

[lavenderdove]

The thing is there are many options in life... and not all opportunities stay open forever. You had a magical time with her in Laos and obviously were very attracted to each other BUT in the interim you didn't show more interest in her and she met someone else. It sounds like she wanted to have one last fling before settling down so she came to visit you.

 

But the reality is she has chosen someone else to be her partner. And would you really have moved to Australia to be with her? I think she is looking for something more permanent than 2 weeks together. Because honestly that is all you have, a couple exciting weeks on a vacation. the 'real world' is what happens the rest of the time, and you chose not to make that relationship 'real' when she was in London and close enough to have a relationship with.

 

and you really only had her in your life in a marginal way. a couple weeks together then random texts or calls. So it was a nice fantasy, but not a 'real' relationship. and right now you are stacking up a fantasy against a reality and think she looks fabulous, but the truth is that once you were out of the high drama of a drunken night in Paris or a hut in the jungle, you two might have turned out to NOT survive long if you were bored or clashed or discovered 'real' things about each other due to constant contact day to day rather than just a high exciting vacation atmosphere.

 

So it was a nice fantasy. but the reality is it never went anywhere, and you chose to not take it anywhere. now that the chance is evaporating you suddenly MUST have her. So you need to recognize that in yourself, that perhaps you like chasing high drama, but aren't thinking with your feet on the ground in terms of pursuing a permanent relationship with anybody because you've got other objectives right now beside a steady/solid settled down relationship.

 

So dust yourself off and realize you are letting go of a FANTASY and not a real long term relationship that was proven by time. You don't know how that would have worked out. Maybe she'd turn out to be impossible to live with, or a cheater (yes, what is she doing reeling drunkenly through Paris with you rather than her BF?) or any number of things. You don't really know her, that is the truth because you've only spent a couple weeks with her a few years back. So this isn't a tragedy, just a bit of high drama. There are so many women out there for you to find and who would make an equally good partner, so don't turn this into more than it was in your head... because this romance was mostly in your head and not real, other than a couple weeks in Laos and a drunken weekend in Paris.

[Iggles]

This is where we are at and I just feel like the memory of us travelling has been ruined and I just feel confused. A lot of it is responsibility and knowing that it could have worked if only id taken a risk. I miss her and hate the way things have been left between us. Since then I have sent her a text saying i have stuff to deal with in my head and that she has always got a friend in me.

 

Dude, you screwed up. And more than once.. The ship has sailed on this completely.

 

You know this, so I'm only stating the obvious. Hope that doesn't offend you, since you ask for insight on this here's my two cents..

 

I hope what you learn from this situation is that love, REAL LOVE is fleeting. It's a rare thing, so if the opportunity ever presents itself again I hope you remember this heartache and it propels you to act decisively.

 

Timing can screw up a lot of things, but why not take the cheapest bus ride or rail ticket you could find from Paris to London? Even if you only have a weekend, or 1 day, or even 6 hours to spend with a girl you have that kind of sparks with? You let your practical side overrule what you felt. Often, holding back can be prudent in life but with love you HAVE TO hedge your bets. Go "all in" for the right person!

 

With THIS girl, it's too late. But the next girl? If she lives in New Zealand and you live in France, what's stopping you from chucking it all and moving there? Sort out money, getting a job, and dealing with your current apt lease LATER (for the last one, sublet it!).

 

If/when you're ever so lucky to find a woman you have a similar or even better connection with DON'T LET HER GO. Keep contact with her. Re-arrange your plans and your life if need be. A woman who is similarly invested you will do the same. You'll meet in the middle and as a couple you'll actually have a CHANCE to see where things go.

 

It burns, but do your best to not let this situation make you bitter! Stop beating yourself up, OP. At any given moment in our lives, we do the best we can do at that time!

 

Best of luck gong forward!

[annie24]

welcome to ENA. I hope you stick around.

 

That's a really beautiful and romantic story - I really want to go to Laos someday. I hope i have a wonderful a time as you did!! You have really beautiful memories with her and that's great. I'm sorry that the timing is off and things didn't really connect. But as you said, you were more worried about eating and paying rent at that time than trying to make something real with her. Oh well, sorry that things didn't work out. I would just treasure that memory and try to move on.

[annie24]

PS - Do you really really want her, or do you think this was triggered by the fact that she is moving away, has a new man, and thus is "unavailable?" Because when she was single and in England, you weren't pursuing her (when there was a real possibility of making things work then). I've had a few guys in my life "confess" their feelings for me the night before I moved accross the country. I mean, they had YEARS to make their intentions known, to try to date, but they didn't do anything until it was too late.....