Snow93 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 First of all I'd just like to say I know that some people might not even know when exactly they were healed completely. Is it even possible for it to heal without leaving some kind of impact? I know not many people are going to be able to describe some sort of magical epiphany (although if you did, by all means share it haha). It's a tough thing to pinpoint exactly I know. I'd just like to hear of how you felt when it got to the point where they weren't on your mind 24/7, you didn't wake up thinking of them, urge to contact was gone etc. When you finally got out of the other side of that dark tunnel. Was it a relief? Elation? Indifference? For me, I know I'm not over her but for the past week I feel like I've started to advance to a new healing level. I had a terrible outburst to her last week and felt so low but ever since I feel like I said everything I need to, I've imprinted how awful talking to her makes me feel and I am coming to terms with the fact I never want to see her again and you know...it doesn't even really hurt that much anymore. I know it's ups and downs, believe me, I've had them. This time though, it really feels like a new wave of acceptance I've had. I got some new female attention, nothing serious but it was really good for my confidence. I've also started to focus more on my studies and working out and I'm starting to enjoy life again. It feels really nice. Anyone else want to share a success story to give some hope to any broken hearts? Link to comment
journeynow Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I've reached the point where I feel peaceful about it all. I don't know if I'd call it indifference, but it means I can look back without pain. Maybe I'll have an occasional twinge, but maybe not. Link to comment
Trinity11 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I actually start disliking the person. I see all their faults instead of all the good stuff. I am indifferent to them. I have two ex's in town, the one I dated the longest time ago kinda just irks me now. When you can see it actually was them and not you, and KNOW it, then you are on your way. Link to comment
surfjon Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Wife walked in 2007, we were married 20 years and together 24...... How did I know I was over it? Was able to make it thru the day without my eyes misting up.... Able to make it thru the night not dreaming of her.... Was able to see her and TRULY not want her back.... Noticed that I no longer threw up every morning thinking about her with someone else.... Its little things we forgot about in the throes of the breakup and recovery, we start to notice them again, we smile more, notice the sky and what had slipped from or view due to anguish of a breakup. Best was when I was able to love someone else again!! I was so scarred by her and her leaving, it took a long time to be able to love another girl, but I did....And now this one too has failed, and I've walked for my own sanity but thats another story! Took me over 3 years to be "over her".......I plan on getting over this current one a lot faster, believe me! Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 You won't know it until after it happens ( from experience). I can remember sitting on a beach on my own listening to the waves and I had the notion that I hadn't thought about her that whole morning and I felt relieved as I knew I had reached the point of no return. When it's your first proper breakup it's so much harder as you have no frame of reference, but sadly as they happen again you still have trouble dealing with it as you know how much and how long the pain will be there I think Virginia Woolf made a very pertinent remark about emotions, something along the lines of we only notice them as we look back. I feel that for most of us we don't notice when we are over them, only when something reminds us we haven't had those painful memories for a while. Link to comment
Mike80 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I remember with my last real ex back in 05, she had treated me like dog crap for over a year before she finally left me for someone else. We were together for 2 years and it took me roughly 6 months to truly get over her. The moment I knew I was over her was when, after 7 months NC, she started texting me out the blue. At first I ignored it because I had a new chick by then...but persistence beats resistance, and eventually I responded, and I agreed to meet up with her for dinner. I told my girl about it...I told her I had to know for sure I was over her by seeing her face to face. So we meet up and my ex is looking BEAUTIFUL...she is Dominican and sexy as hell. But despite her beauty, I wasnt there for reconciliation. I was there to see what her intentions were. So we're having dinner, talking, etc...she mentions that she and her man (dude she left me for) are having problems. Sirens go off in my head. I knew immediately what she wanted from me. We left the restaurant and once we're outside by my car, she immediately starts kissing all over me and "grabbing" me. She is whispering dirty things in my ear, in Spanish. And you know what I did? I pushed her away. Told her I couldnt do it and she needed to go back to her man. She used me for a year and I wasnt about to be used again, not even for comfort sex. That was when I knew she no longer mattered to me anymore. so to answer your question...I felt relief and a sense of vindication. Relief because the spell she had over me was broken forever and vindication because I knew her man would never be as loyal and loving as I was and she finally realized it, but by then it was too late. I suspect youll feel the same way. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 How did I feel? Indifferent Link to comment
zep Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 It's indifference. When you don't care that you don't care. Link to comment
lilypadgirl Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I think I agree with what most people say here. I've had both the gradual realization and the sudden epiphany. I remember distinctly the moment when chatting with him 8 months later and I was sitting accross from him, instead of listening intently looking for a way to connect as previously, I was tuning him out thinking why I do still care, oh wow I don't actually care anymore. I think you are over someone when you stop hoping to reclaim the past when we were... the future that could have been... and regrets of if only... I can still get nostalgic and think fondly back on the good times and even occasionally feel indignant or remorseful with how unfairly I have been/have treated someone else. Those stay with you and become part of who you are and how you grow. But if I am over someone, I accept my responsibility in everything and also recognize his role in everything. I accept that it was what it was and feel that I have learned from it what I can. I stop having any hope/excuses/reasons/fantasies/confusion/thoughts about what happened or what I wished would have happened. Link to comment
MasterPo Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 It's indifference. When you don't care that you don't care. Yah. Pretty much. I think of it like a lazy snake, you stare but don't really care what the rat is doing. However, the thoughts are still there and run on and on and.. etc. Thing is now its all background noise and absolute sadness is replaced with spurts of anger and disgust. About split in you and them. What's happens next? I don't know as I'm living it now. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Hmm! For me, it's been a slow progression in thinking about him all the time to thinking about him less and less over time. The emotional roller coaster comes and goes, but it becomes a smoother ride. That's pretty much what it's like for my other break ups as well. Link to comment
Sara1970 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I felt panicked and scared, and so lonely whenever I was on my own, so I really noticed that I was healing when I was happy in my own company again. I was changed by my last breakup though, and I know that I will never allow another man into my life. Link to comment
sportsguy9981 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Im by no means at the stage of indifference but I thank those of you on here by saying that you are, that gives me a little more to go on, a little more light at the end of the tunnel for me. Sara- I agree, I was changed too once this breakup happened, I dont really find myself looking for something serious, I just want the company of someone or a few people that I can relate to, thats all. Its hard to find that in a small town, I find some of the people on here I can relate to at least, and that helps a bunch, even if I dont hang out with people on here in person, just hearing their stories and talking to them helps me out a great deal. High school friends are different, they are people you use to know back then, and you may continue to know them but married with 3 kids is alot different then single , and him and I are the same age, 31, so its hard to relate sometimes. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 indifference is the word and says it all. i am friendly to 2 of my ex's, all because a good time has passed after break up. one still wants me back, the other seems happy with life. but i didn't feel anything at all. the most recent 2 ex's, it will take a whole lifetime to be even facebook friends as they're drama people, so to speak...and don't want to be a part of that anymore. Link to comment
chickydoodle Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I think of it like a lazy snake, you stare but don't really care what the rat is doing This image appeals to me in describing reluctance to emabark on another r'ship. Snake has had his fill of rats (pain).. .. .. .. . Link to comment
stella m Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I had one ex that was a bad relationship so I think I spent the last year of being in it getting over them (note: I do not advise sticking out a relationship to that point!). Because of that it didn't take too long getting over it completely but when I did I just remember at one point feeling indifferent. I think that's when you know you've truly moved on: when you can look at old pictures and it doesn't phase you, when you think about or see them with someone else and it's a neutral feeling. If it was a bad relationship, I think you know you're over it when you feel a relief and celebration knowing that it's over! I'm going through a current break up that is much different because it ended while there was still love and feelings present. But my boss told me the most comforting thing when it first happened. She said her mother once told her how when you're first in a breakup the whole thing is like a mental and physical presence that constantly weights on you from the moment you wake up to even in your sleep. Then one day you wake up and later on you realize you didn't think about them all morning or even all afternoon. My boss told me those words rang true when her 10 year relationship ended. She said she still specifically remembers that day when it was late afternoon and she realized it was the first time she didn't think about him until then. Later she remembered when a week would go by and she didn't think about him, etc, etc. It's comfort in knowing this will happen and I look forward to that day, week, and so on. I'm so thankful she shared that insight and it's a thought I love to pass on to others going through the same situation. Link to comment
quirky Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I've reached the point where I feel peaceful about it all. I don't know if I'd call it indifference, but it means I can look back without pain. Maybe I'll have an occasional twinge, but maybe not Similar to this. It's not indifference for me because I can never feel that about someone I was close to. Surprisingly it happened when I allowed myself to love him rather than hate him. Link to comment
chickydoodle Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Surprisingly it happened when I allowed myself to love him rather than hate him. I got to this stage the first tme. The danger with this however ( and it happened with me) is that if they re-enter your life you have forgotten about their true nature and the pain and hurt they have caused. In my case lies, betrayal and emotional manipulation. . . . . . This time around I feel it is important to create a memory of fear and mistrust so I will never be lured back by his clever narcissistic tactics. Indifference would be nice but for me , even a place of indifference is not safe. Link to comment
stranger88 Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 I think its when you can look at pictures of them with other guys and feel nothing. It only comes with time. For instance there are two ex's of mine who I seperated from years ago, they are objectively very good looking, very great people. We didn't work out for various reasons. I'll occasionally stalk their stuff but its out of curiosity, I really do feel nothing for them anymore, the feelings of betrayal are gone, you have gotten your closure. I think despite what is said on here running into an ex a few months later helps a lot, you get to see them after recognizing all of their faults and get to talk to them briefly as just another person. As most of us here were dumped you get to be strong, and at that point you know you are truly over them. Link to comment
stranger88 Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Similar to this. It's not indifference for me because I can never feel that about someone I was close to. Surprisingly it happened when I allowed myself to love him rather than hate him. Allowing yourself to love your ex's and feel positively about them is essential imo. Holding onto the hatred and frustration makes you feel worse. Look at them for all of their flaws and say to yourself "They're just another person but I care for them, I hope they're doing well". When you can do that, you have let go. Link to comment
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