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How can I help my husband change back to who he once was?

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Hi everyone, my husband and I started dating 5 years ago and it was wonderful. He was a very lovely gentleman and couldnt do enough for me. He played sports, spent alot of time with family and friends and loved my family. During the 5 years we have been together I have watched him slowly stop sports, stop hanging out with friends, stop visiting his family (like uncles, cousins etc that he was quite close to) and he for some reason cannot say a nice word about anyone in my family, even my nieces and nephews who are only aged between 1 and 9. We recently had a baby ourselves (10 weeks ago) and he was happy and proud as could be... for about a week. It has come to the point that I am constantly miserable and walking on eggshells everytime I open my mouth. He has no motivation anymore and takes no pride in anything... He even left the baby in a pooey nappy for 30 mins, and spent the 30 mins trying to settling him instead of checking his nappy because he didnt want to get off the lounge to change him... he lets the grass get so high that when i try to hang washing out it is half way up my calf, then he will only mow the back or th front and says, I'll do the other one another day... I just dont understand that, why would you only half do it... I bought him a gym set for xmas and he has 1/2 put it together and now its sitting on our porch half done with cobwebs and I'm not winging that the stuff hasnt been done I'm just pointing out how he has no motivation or enthusiasm in anything. All he cn talk about is his job and I try really hard to be interested, but when its hours and hours of work talk that I really have no idea what hes talking about most of the time because i dont know the lingo for his profession and when I try to talk about something else he has no interest and zones out. He cant even have any motivation when it is important... the house we bought (in August) needs a hand rail put in on the front steps, I said i wanted it to be the 1st thing we put in because I was pregnant at the time and was worried I might fall or even go into labour and not be able to get down without something to hold onto... as i said about our son is now 10 weeks old and there is still no railing... I also slipped down then while carrying the baby on a wet day... still... no railing. I'll also just throw in here that he has absolutely no interest in sex or romance of any description, i basically had to schedule him in when we fell pregnant... yet it was him that suggested we start trying for a baby... Im just so lost, confused, hurt and alone...


I think he might be depressed about something but he says he's fine and nothings wrong. I'm also worried that if he is depressed what caused it? was it me? it's only happened since we have been together...


Any ideas on what could be wrong, how I can fix it or at least make it better before we lose our marriage to it?

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About the hand railing and the grass; I wouldn't wait on him if you don't have to. Hire someone to do these things and get them out of the way. Any little repairs can be handled by someone else, especially since your hubby is dealing with depression right now. He doesn't have to feel as though you resent him for not doing it, it just is what it is. You've got a baby and a house and it's part of taking care of it.


Hopefully he sees someone about the depression, or begins playing sports again. Activity is really good for people dealing with depression, so another thing that might help him get off the couch is to take the baby out for a walk when it's nice in the evenings - do you think he'd be willing to try that?

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Tld87, My advice would be to talk to him and make it clear in no uncertain terms u feel alone and hurt and then go on to make it clear how his actions and words hurt you. Please correct me if I am wrong but I would guess he knows very little of how u r feeling?


Rightly or wrongly, to him these items u list are small complaints, but to you there is an accumulation.


I honestly feel I have been in your husbands shoes here and if like me he most probably loves u but is blind to how the small things can add up to cause u unhappiness. Ie lack of job completion, small comments about your family, lack of romantic gestures, lack of interest in your conversation etc.


If I could give any advice from my perspective, it would be to talk or even write to him, explain that the relationship is at threat, and do your best to tell him in as clear terms as possible which of his actions cause u to feel pain. if he dismisses u as being over the top, then u know u have done as much as you can, but please give him as much chance as is possible to understand u r hurting and why.

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I think he does sound a bit depressed and very unmotivated. It could have been made worse by the arrival of the baby. Men can suffer post natal depression too.


Could you talk to him and suggest he speaks to a doctor or a counsellor?


I have suggested this to him but he says nothing is wrong and that I just need to accept im for who he is

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Unfortunately, I tried organising my brother and cousin to come and do the railing and it caused a massive argument. He felt like I thought he was useless and unfortunately he ended up arguing with my whole family about it cos he felt like they thought he couldnt do it either. I also paid someone to come and do the lawns once and he was really upset about it when he got home

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I have spoken to him on numerous occassions, I wrote him a letter basically telling him that I needed him to change or try to address the problem or I was going to leave because it is so mentally straining for me too... that was the month we fell pregnant but he did change alot in that month but its like he just couldnt be bothered trying again like a week later. He was talking so badly about my family one night when i was about 8 mths pregnant that i got up and left; he was asleep when i returned home 30min later and when we tried to talk about it he just told me i was immature for walking out. I really dont know what else to do... I just want the man I fell in love with to come back... I'm not asking him to change into something he is not, I just want him to change into who he was or at least tell me what it is that has made him change so drastically but he always says, nothing wrong or I dont know... I think sometimes he just pulls the im sorry i'll try harder line to end the conversation with absolutely no intention of actually trying...

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There’s a lot of weird going on here Tld.

Depression definitely tops the list but fear of intimacy; drugs, cheating, or other discernible/diagnosable issues could also be factors.


The workable issue is you hate this on-the-edge life. You’ve pushed back a little but he still rebuked you. This makes me think he is putting you in the role of his Mother.


If something doesn’t change soon you will begin to hate this man.

This type of hatred can be self-feeding and should be avoided.


What to do:

Men can be very bull-headed and will not change, (get help), until the last horn blows.


Begin to apply progressive last horn techniques before your anger destroys all.


Tell him this over a period of three months:

“I can’t do this anymore”

“I am falling out of love with you”

“You need to sleep on the couch”

“Move back with your Mom… she’ll have your babies”

“Get out”

“What address can my attorney reach you at”



Tld, he must want you enough to fight for you… let him!



PS, What are your ages?

PS2, Don’t tell him about this forum or anything you may be doing to save the union. Doing so is weakness! Weak wives lose their husbands.

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Thanks, I've had a fear of cheating since I was about 3mths pregnant but he is either very clever and cautious or completely safe, he leaves his phone lying around and lets me go to it, I havent found another one and I have checked his emails and facebook... I thought it was just the insecurity of the pregnancy... I'd never tell him about this forum, he would be super pissed if he found out I was sharing information about him with strangers... even if it was in the best interest of our relationship.


I'm 26 and he is 23.


I've already tried the:

“I can’t do this anymore” - about 100 times

“I THINK I am falling out of love with you” - his response is, that's riddiculous, you cant fall OUT of love with someone, and if thats the case there's the door but you're not taking the baby with you

“You need to sleep on the couch” - no, if you dont want to share a bed you sleep on the couch


I've also walked out myself and he didnt seem phased at all. I have put it to hime a number of times that it actually really feels like he doesnt want this life, almost like he is trying to push me away, even when I was in hospital before, during and after the baby, he was so distant.. about a month after the birth I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night with excruciating stomach pains and he got angry at me for waking him and asked why I couldnt just drive myself because he had to get up for work early... I was admitted with an infection from my c-section and was in hospital for 4 days... he went to work every day and only visited twice.

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I doubt it’s another woman.


For reasons unbeknownst to you/us he has lost all respect for you.

You tried the “tough” necessary steps toward permanently solving the problem but when he pushed back you caved.

The net result was he lost even more respect for you.


Now what?


The following is still an attempt to save your marriage. It may fail… but at this point, I don’t see any other options.


He said, you “need to accept im for who he is.”

If you’re not willing to do that; secretly start looking for an attorney and plan a midday/midweek show-down.


Tell him:

“I don’t accept you for who you are!”

“You are not the man I married!”

“You chose to break your vows to me by becoming this unloving monster!”

“I would have never even dated a slug like you, no less marry you!”

“The deal is off!”

“You have to leave and leave now!”

Because he is used to pushing you around, he will most likely be become belligerent and/or ignore you.

Call the police and tell them you want him out of the house. Tell them you are scared.


Once the police are called he may go into some sort of damage control… don’t bite for it! He has to sleep somewhere else.

The next day he may try to reconcile with you. Tell him you need a week to think about it.


The ball is in his court now. He may choose to get help, he may not.


Sorry tld… I wish there were more options! It’s all I got. Come back and let us know how it's going.

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Unfortunately, I tried organising my brother and cousin to come and do the railing and it caused a massive argument. He felt like I thought he was useless and unfortunately he ended up arguing with my whole family about it cos he felt like they thought he couldnt do it either. I also paid someone to come and do the lawns once and he was really upset about it when he got home


I think this is where you are messing up. Let him be upset. Do what you have to do anyway. Don't arrange your life to avoid upsetting him. Sometimes guys grumble when they don't get their way. We all do. So what? Don't let that deter you.


He will respect you more because he will know that when you put your foot down, you actually follow through.

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