Guess I'm not ready to date...

[John John]

For those of you who don't know my story, my ex-gf left me after 5 years together (lived together for 3) around 4 months ago now. We've been in NC for 2 months since she moved out of the apartment (I stayed, and am getting a roomate shortly.

 

I've been on many first dates since the breakup. So far, there was one girl who actually made me forget about my ex. I was really into her. She was exactly my type, and I felt we had a lot in common. On our first (and only) date, she was really into me. The night ended with two kisses (initiated by her). I tried to follow up a few days later for a second date, was told "maybe next weekend," and then nothing. She just dropped off the face of the Earth.

 

I picked myself right back up, and have been on several first dates since (in addition to having two one night stands, but not with any of these girls). On all of these first dates, I'm either underwhelmed by how they look in person as opposed to their pictures (whereas I look exactly the same in person - I know because two of these girls said so without my asking), or we just don't have as much in common as I thought.

 

And while I think about my ex every day, I will go several days at a time without longing for her. But I find that, after all of these flop first dates, I do end up longing for her. Big time. But then I try to remember the first date my ex and I had over 5 years ago. She didn't look exactly like her pictures in person (even less so, because the only pics she had were professionally taken lol). While I remember our first date, I can't remember how I felt during it since it was so long ago. I try to go there only because I'm trying to prove to myself that what I'm feeling on these first dates is probably also what I felt (at least to some extent) on the first date with my ex.

 

It just sucks. Every time I come home from an underwhelming first date, I just feel so hopeless. I know it's only been 4 months (barely) since the breakup, but I just wish I could meet someone really great. I need to prove to myself that there are more viable women out there than just my ex. I'm not sure if I'm ready to date (I'm sure you will all say I'm not), but I do know that if I met a great girl, I would totally be ready (just like I was with the one who just never followed up).

 

Did I mention that I absolutely loathe dating in general...FML...

[SapphireNoir10]

I think you need to give yourself time to get over her properly. Try the single life, work on getting over her and learning to be happy single.

 

If you were to meet a great girl tomorrow whats to say that'd magically make you over your ex? I doubt it would. Meaning that your in rebound territory which isnt fair on the girl. If your in your mind not over the relationship getting with someone else won't fix the pain from the break up and make you ok again.

 

You need to get over it alone. Then start dating. Don't feel hopeless. I'm sure in time you'll find someone else.

[John John]

I met one girl who made me forget about my ex for the few weeks I was talking to her. Due to work and distance, we only had one date, but (I thought) it went really well, and we had a ton in common. I'm not sure what happened on her end or how she felt, but oh well. But the point is, I feel like if I met someone who was my type and we got on well, I honestly think I would be ready to just go for it.

 

I've never felt so utterly hopeless in my life. Certain people on here are telling me it will take years to get over this. I wonder what the point of love is? If love is meant to be this painful, than what is the point? Why don't we all just stay alone throughout our lives and spare ourselves the pain?

[metrogirl]

I think part of the problem is you are actively seeking to replace her which isn't going to work because no one will really compare to her. You are looking at photos, comparing the girl to the photos... 'well she doesn't look the same' etc etc. You'll go through a hundred women and something will be wrong with a majority of them. My recommendation, let her come to you. There is nothing wrong with staying off the dating sites for awhile. Your perfect girl might be at Starbucks or at the gym, or in the market roaming the produce section. She is out there and she is going to wow you when you meet and you will just know that she is the one.

[GrowingUp85]

It can take years. But it doesn't have too. To me, it sounds like you may be a little scared to be alone or a little too eager to dive right into another relationship. 4 months isn't a long time, and you've already had a few one nighters and several dates.

 

It also sounds like you're doing well, and maybe what you're missing isn't her but the constant companionship. The easy sex, dates, and what not. I also think its a bad idea to try to find a girl who makes you forget about your ex. That's not properly grieving. That's just a bandaid, and puts way too much pressure on the new girl

 

Keep doing what you're doing. If you loathe dating, then stop doing it for a while.

[John John]

I'm trying so hard to stay busy and give myself "projects" (something I always did anyway). I'm focusing on finishing up school (finally graduate in May), my career, looking for a better job than what I currently have, and getting great shape. I've been doing the gym religiously for a month now, and am in the best shape I've been in since high school.

 

But the weekends are just so...empty without anyone. I have no one to do homework with, no one to watch tv with, no one to go to our favorite coffee shop with. All of my friends are engaged/married/and starting to have kids. So yeah, my friends have been there for me and we go out, but it's not the same. Even when we have a guy's night out, in my head I'm jealous of all of them because they have someone to go home to. And some of my friends who are married are (somehow) jealous of me being single, when I hate it.

 

I'm not sure if I miss her or just the idea of her. She was exactly my type lookswise. Personality wise I thought so too, but apparently she didn't love me enough to work out our problems.

 

I just want the one to come along already. If the one did come along, #!$# it, I'd be ready. It's not fair that some friends of mine who regularly cheat on their wives get to be married to awesome, beautiful women. And here I am, someone who has so much love and more to offer, and I have to go through this pain. It just sucks so royally.

[metrogirl]

Don't think just because your friends have someone to go home to means they are happy. I remember feeling a little envious of my friend's relationship with her boyfriend. They would do all these neat things together, go here and go there and they seemed like the perfect couple until I found out from her that there were so many issues. They put up a good front but they weren't really genuinely happy.

 

Your girl will come when the time is right.

[Ms Darcy]

I just want the one to come along already. If the one did come along, #!$# it, I'd be ready. It's not fair that some friends of mine who regularly cheat on their wives get to be married to awesome, beautiful women. And here I am, someone who has so much love and more to offer, and I have to go through this pain. It just sucks so royally.

 

I am going to say this with all kindness because I have been following your story, but you really need to get over yourself.

 

You are entitled dude.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. Break ups are extremely painful and hard to move on from.

 

But in every thread you have you lament about the women not being beautiful enough or how it's not fair that your friends don't deserve their beautiful women or that you dislike women (remember that one?).

 

I agree with Metro and Sapphire in that they are telling you what you refuse to hear. You are not ready to date.

 

You are actually emotionally unavailable right now. To me, that means you are not fully open and ready for a new relationship, having let go of your past relationship. You are lonely, a little depressed, and a lot judgmental (more superficial than you seemed to be when you first dated your ex, etc.)

 

When you are emotionally unavailable you often look for someone to knock your socks off. In my humble opinion, that's just plain lazy. You should be working your butt off to knock other people's socks off. You are not some distant boss who is waiting on girls to interview for the job of your replacement girlfriend.

 

In other words, I think you will struggle to find someone great until you get back to being someone great.

 

And by the way, if you have cheater friends, that actually does not reflect well on you. You are judged in part by the company you keep.

 

Just be single. You already are single, so stop resisting it.

[DepthOfField]

It just sucks. Every time I come home from an underwhelming first date, I just feel so hopeless..... I think about my ex every day .... Did I mention that I absolutely loathe dating in general...FML...

 

You said it ... Not us, you're clearly not ready to date. It seems like you're using that as a tool to help you get over your ex. Working on yourself and focusing on being happy being single will help you get over. 4 Months is not a long time.

 

Dude, There's so much more to life than dating and relationships. Dating gets frustrating. I know it sounds cheezy, but Let love find you.

[DepthOfField]

I think you will struggle to find someone great until you get back to being someone great.

 

Best. Quote. Ever.

[John John]

Haha...I knew I was in for a doozy when I saw that you posted. Blunt as always Darcy!

 

Today, I'm finally accepting that I'm not ready to date. So you guys win with that. Fair enough. I'm not going to cancel my dating site profiles, but I'm going to not log in or go on dates for a little while. If I get messages, I'll read them, but that's it. Only if I'm really, really, really into the girl will I make an exception to this.

 

As far as the post about me disliking women, I already addressed that in that very post...that was just the pain talking. I know it's wrong to paint all women with the same brush. And I don't feel that way anymore.

 

As far as needing to "get over yourself"...perhaps I'm coming accross as judgemental or shallow, but I think I'm doing that only because I'm insecure right now. My ex was not physically perfect and I'm sure there are many people who wouldn't have been attracted to her. I just meant that I thought she was perfect for me. Clearly personality wise, this isn't the case, but lookswise, she did it for me. She definitely had physical flaws, as do I...but I loved her in spite of it. So while I may seem superficial right now, I'm really not...perhaps it's just me being not ready to date (more evidence that proves you guys right). And as I said...I've been underwhelmed on these dates for other reasons, not just looks.

 

And I don't think it's wrong for me to want to find someone who is my type or to not want to downgrade. I may seem like I'm full of myself in what I say on here, and that's fine, none of you actually know me. The fact of the matter is, I do have a ton to offer, and I was a really good boyfriend to her for 5 years. Of course, I did things wrong. But all in all, I was really, really good to her.

 

As far as my friends who cheat, it's just one. I've known the guy for a very long time, and only became aware of this recently. I was never there when it actually happened. I do not condone what he's done. And I don't see him often anyhow.

 

But to sum it up, I really think I'm done with dating for a while. You guys are right, I'm not ready. And as Darcy said, I need to continue working on myself (I've been doing it, but need to keep doing it). Sucks, but alas, it's all true.

[surfjon]

I agree with Growingup....

 

I have to conciously make myself remember that it really wasn't that great afterall, I endured years of being treated in a way that I didn't feel comfortable with, and in retrospect have come to see that the aspect of "comfort" and "familiarity" that exist in a long-term relationship gets mistaken for love and that this person was everything to us, we often endure situations out of fear of the unknown.

 

I realize that the time spent together, and the closeness we develop with someone can really exist with almost anyone, given enough time together......

 

MsDarcy,

 

I too am emotionally unavailable, you and the others sum up what one needs to try to do to reconcile with ones self after a breakup.

I enjoy the company of girls, I always have, and have several that I do things with like go to music venues, the dog-parks, etc....

But I know too well from a few years ago that my gut (ego) instinct is to rebound, but it doesn't help much.

 

And it isn't fair to mislead someone, I am very up-front with them as I explain I can't date anyone seriously right now, but do enjoy the companionship of the fairer sex.....

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks for your response.

 

I think we all have this feeling sometimes ... "I am a good person so why do bad things happen to me?"

 

I don't think anyone in thousands of years of philosophy has come up with the single right answer but there are some things I have heard that make sense to me.

 

Life is. Of course you can make the most of it and have an incredible impact on the trajectory of your life but sometimes things are beyond your control. You can volunteer and be a faithful husband and be the greatest dad and your wife and kids can still die in some random car crash.

 

Change is constant and the only thing that you will always have is you ... your will, your strength, your integrity.

 

It is often said and I think it's true that relationships get better and not worse when you get older. We are all learning beings and we learn from our pain. And we grow.

[John John]

I know. It's so true. We make plans and think we're in control, but #%!@ happens, plain and simple. I struggle with this, a lot. I like being fully in control of my destiny, but I guess I have to accept that I'm not all the time.

 

I hope it's true...that we grow from this pain. I've defintely thought a lot about the things I did wrong and how I will fix them in the future. I just hope it isn't 1000 years until I get to be in love again. Not only for me...but because I genuinely enjoyed making her happy. I always loved giving her gifts or bringing home her favorite latte from our favorite coffee shop.

[TimeToRebuild]

My recommendation, let her come to you. There is nothing wrong with staying off the dating sites for awhile. Your perfect girl might be at Starbucks or at the gym, or in the market roaming the produce section. She is out there and she is going to wow you when you meet and you will just know that she is the one.

 

Advice like this does irk me a bit. Its not just going to happen in any of these settings and if you are not naturally an extroverted person who randomly approaches strangers it will take a lot of effort to be able to meet people in those settings.

[John John]

Advice like this does irk me a bit. Its not just going to happen in any of these settings and if you are not naturally an extroverted person who randomly approaches strangers it will take a lot of effort to be able to meet people in those settings.

 

I can be pretty outgoing when I want to be. But yeah, this is why I'm keeping my online dating profiles up. I remember 5 years ago, I was literally about to delete my link removed account, when my ex messaged me. I wasn't actively using it at that point, but she found me. I'm hoping maybe the same thing can happen again, even if I'm not actively using my online dating profiles.

[LonelyGirl10]

I can be pretty outgoing when I want to be. But yeah, this is why I'm keeping my online dating profiles up. I remember 5 years ago, I was literally about to delete my link removed account, when my ex messaged me. I wasn't actively using it at that point, but she found me. I'm hoping maybe the same thing can happen again, even if I'm not actively using my online dating profiles.

 

 

This is what happened to me too. I had gotten out of a 4 year relationship, and was dating like crazy trying to find "the one." I got sick of it. Dates started to feel like interviews. I decided to stop dating, and was going to cancel a date I already had scheduled. Felt guilty, and went on it. And the guy was awesome, and we dated for a year! And then he broke up with me. But, I've learned that you usually meet someone once you stop actively trying. Good luck

[DepthOfField]

Dates started to feel like interviews.

 

Couldn't agree more.

[John John]

It's true. Dating is supposed to be fun, but I'm at the point where I absolutely hate it. I'm actually kinda relieved to be done with it for a while. I have to REALLY be into someone to go on a date now.

 

And since I'm such a damn chivalrous guy, I always pay even if the date sucks, so it ends up being expensive too!! lol

[DepthOfField]

I always pay even if the date sucks, so it ends up being expensive too!! lol

 

In the future, be creative. Do something different. Go for a walk, or do something active.