Long term relationship ends due to insecurities

[Looptd]

My girlfriend recently broke up with me after 7 years of a great relationship. We had recently been talking about marriage, moving along smoothly and happily. Then about 2 months ago she started to pull away, a month later moving out and dumping me. I was crushed. I fell apart and did all the things you shouldn't do to try and keep her.

 

From there we went silent, didn't talk as it was too hard for her to find out "who she was" with me and our long history. Maybe it was that she felt dependant toward me, but then why move back with her parents? I was mad and hurt so I gave her space and took time for myself.

 

Through friends and family I found out she felt that I didn't respect her or her job and field. She is a counselor in mental health and she had just completed her Masters degree and licensing. She has always been insecure and had self image issues, but never took them out on me. She fears I am the type who believes that we all have complete control over are actions, and need to man up. That mental health and wellness, should be placed with fortune telling and astrology. Which I don't.

 

 

I can tell her she's wrong and yell as loud as I can but there's now way to prove to her how much I respect who she is and what she does for others.

The other issue is now she has been thrown into the deep end working with kids who have difficult breaks and are trying to turn their live around. She has a big heart and takes her work home with her. This has piled a ton of stress on her and made this situation all the more difficult.

 

She says she still loves me and I love her. But she won't talk to me or even acknowledge I exist, while she figures herself out.

 

How can I sit idly by why our relationship is diluted by time?

[abitbroken]

If she told you that she needs to figure herself out, let her. You can't have a marriage or a relationship where the other person is so insecure that they feel their partner doesn't respect them, because that's how they feel inside.

 

Don't sit idly by - go out with friends, try new things, and get yourself in order too. She may never feel secure with herself. She might. But you can't wait. If she feels confidant enough to continue and you are single - then go from there. If not, then move on.

[Ms Darcy]

Forgive me, but I think this might be a compatibility issue on her end. For you, that stuff doesn't matter. Even as a reader I can see your opposition to her beliefs and it can really eat away at you to be with someone who is not on the same page in terms of values.

 

You can do nothing but respect her wishes. There is no relationship to dilute. She broke up and it's over.

[shessofly]

what happened to make her think you didn't respect what she did for a living? surely she didn't just make all of that up.

[Looptd]

She always has self image and insecurity issues. She feels this was because she had a bad situation with a client where I had different views. It wasn't based on the field of the help that could be gained but about opportunity for another client to enter the program. We both shared the same core beliefs when a client was dismissed from the program for to many violations. I tried to look at the opportunity for a new client, while her knowing the client personally saw the loss. That was my fault. Because I should have been more concerned at the time about her and how she was handling it rather than the scenario. But that spiralled for someone who is always working against herself with her lack of confidence.

[abitbroken]

She always has self image and insecurity issues. She feels this was because she had a bad situation with a client where I had different views. It wasn't based on the field of the help that could be gained but about opportunity for another client to enter the program. We both shared the same core beliefs when a client was dismissed from the program for to many violations. I tried to look at the opportunity for a new client, while her knowing the client personally saw the loss. That was my fault. Because I should have been more concerned at the time about her and how she was handling it rather than the scenario. But that spiralled for someone who is always working against herself with her lack of confidence.

 

People to her are not just numbers. This is not a restaurant where a table opens up when someone gets kicked out. If someone is out of the program, that may cause a chain of events in their life and this might have been the only chance they would get or take. There is no "upside" of that. There was no room for an "opposing view"

Instead of focusing on that she lacks confidence, it would have been nice to just listen and relate that you think that is a shame, too. Show some confidence in her judgement at work and some empathy. YOU WERE basically telling her to "man up."

 

If she worked at a nursing home and someone died - would you say "look on the bright side...a bed opened up! Mrs. McGuillicuddy is on the waiting list and can get in."

 

I have a feeling that you were comfortable with the roles of not so confident girl/guy who knows better. And if you are not in her field, don't act like you know what decisions are best for her at work.

 

 

We both shared the same core beliefs when a client was dismissed from the program for to many violations.

 

Core beliefs are not what you think about the rules at her place of employment. "Core" values have to do with your very basic moral values and goals.

 

I have a feeling that you are choosing to decide that this one exchange was the end of things, but I have a feeling that there were many more and it was just the last straw. I think that with so many self help books out there people can feel like "experts" and minimize in their minds the jobs of loved ones in the mental health field because you "know better."

 

I was with a guy who suddenly was an expert at my line of work and hobbies and started correcting me or giving input on my professional decisions. It didn't last.

[Looptd]

I really appreciate the advice abit, and I completely agree that I have overlooked how much it hurt her. I think the nursing home put it into perspective. However this was not a last straw situation as I have been completely encouraging and supportive of her career. I know I am out of my league when it comes to the human mind and emotions etc. with her. I never try to tell her how it is when it comes to this field.

 

But at a time when we were both frustrated from work, and that got the best of me. I wasn't the shoulder and support she needed. I am certainly taking fault, but I wish she would just hear me out.

She has a poor history with relationships with friends and family. She often shields herself and the hint of trouble or conflict. My problem is I know who she really is and don't want to lose that. She is also self aware of these issues (for lack of a better word) and acknowledges she needs to overcome them.

Like I said a month earlier she was very happy and wanted to get married. She was the one pushing for it, and I was just waiting for the right moment(but she didn't know that.)

[Looptd]

Well all her "reasons" turned out to be that she was too coward to come out and say it. She found another guy. And she wanted "time apart" so I'd be a safety net. She is not the woman I fell in love with and certainly not who I thought she was so that will help. She a therapist, so I would have thought she'd know better. That no matter how hard or painful the truth is the way to go in breakups. But she is an immature coward.