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Anybody derive (too much) comfort from the thought their ex is struggling too?

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As I'm going through the healing process after separating from my wife, I've found that developing compassion and respect for her as an individual have helped a great deal, however this coping technique is turning out to be a bit of a double edged sword. Being compassionate has involved a lot of putting myself in her shoes, and while this has helped on a lot of levels it also seems to be leading to a continued sense of connection to her. Also, allowing myself to see her a complete human being and not the callous, shallow monster I made her out to be in the early days after our split has made me more conscious of the fact that this experience is difficult for her too.


There's a part of this that helps me in the sense of, if I truly love her then I have to let her go, let her be her own person, but I have an awful lot of trouble with the letting go part. It's hard for me to acknowledge her as her own person with her own struggles and not feel some sense of connection to her still. It's hard for me to imagine that she would have a hard time with the break up too and not be stuck in hoping she'll start to see things differently and come back.


Of course I don't KNOW anything about how she's really dealing with it. We've been pretty much NC since with split 2.5 months ago and I don't know anything about anything. Lately I've been forcing myself to really acknowledge the reality that I really know nothing about how she's handling it, and that she's obviously doing better than I am or she'd come back. I'm trying not to delude myself and realize that it's probably over for good, but it's hard not be lured by the comfort the comes from knowing that on some level she might be struggling too.


Anybody else going through this? How are you dealing with it?

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I don't think there is anything wrong with having compassion and respect towards an ex partner. However don't let it blind you to the issues that led to the split.


I'd stick to no contact and continue healing. It may not be easy for her but that doesn't mean she will come back. She may be struggling, break ups are hard, but sometimes that just isn't enough to bring them back.

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