Unsure why the ex gets in touch

[zztoppoochie90]

To give some back story, my ex has an 18 month old child and until recently was living with the father. They had an argument and she went to live with her parents (due to having no financial support) which includes a narcissistic mother. After I visited, the mother went on a three week spree of seemingly wanting to dislike me, push her daughter back towards the father of the child and eventually gave my girlfriend an ultimatum of 'us or him'. She chose them. I tried to fight for her over the next two days (barraging with texts - stupid, I know) but ultimately, it was a lost cause even though we were still in love.

 

Anyway, skip forward a few weeks and we texted briefly in early January, for a couple of hours a few days later and then just a solitary text back and forth on my birthday - all about nothing in particular. I find myself thinking about her more and more and in early February send one of those 'last ditch' type messages. Again, with hindsight, probably shouldn't have done it but she texts me a few days later. She says she got the message but didn't know how to respond and asks how I am. I say it is what it is, ah well... I ask how she and her child are and she decides to give me a long text about how she will be whisked away for Valentine's day by the father of the child (he never knew about us and her Mum ruined the surprise) and that she is feeling pressured by both her parents and him to get back with him, adding she has been suffering from anxiety for the past few weeks (seemingly since we parted ways - I obviously don't point this out). She adds she isn't looking forward to it as she stayed with him a week earlier and the second half of the visit it seemed like he resented her. I wasn't sure how to play this but figured she had got in touch for a reason and thought a softly, softly approach might work. Big error. No. She then had a go at me for trying to pressure her, that she thinks our split was probably for the best as it hurts the least amount of people (father of the child/her parents) that every time we chat I barrage her (hadn't done since the day after being dumped) and that she wondered why she got in touch at all. But she'd received my message, she knew how I felt about her so I'm unsure what she was expecting. Anyway, she decides we can never be friends as I'll probably always want more (she'd chased me this time - we had a brief fling in 2009 - so again I thought this odd) and says she is cutting ties, goodbye. A follow-up text fifteen minutes later apologises for deleting me on Twitter and Facebook but she can't trust herself not to chat to me... Then adds that if I really need her though, I have her number and not to abuse that privilege. She then tells me to go for someone emotionally well hinged. I ask for a t-shirt back and she says she'll send it in the post and it ends on a nice enough note. Ah well. That wasn't how I'd planned the conversation to go but maybe it was for the best.

 

The next two weeks I am thinking it is probably for the best as it means we can continue our lives.

 

Then last Sunday I get a text from her. It says that her Mum has been stalking my Twitter and that I mentioned her by name. I assume she wants it deleted so the father of the child doesn't find it or something (was correct on this - it made her anxious) so do so...but I have to go through ten days worth of tweets to find the offending article and discover it's during a conversation with a friend - a jokey one where her name just happens to come up. Nothing cruel. I say this and then wonder why her Mum is stalking my tweets - incidentally, I'd only unlocked them that day so how often had she tried this? The ex states her Mum was just checking on me and it's not too weird. I then say I feel like I'm now walking on eggshells, she says I shouldn't be and would just appreciate it if I don't bad mouth her to the world and then adds in 'it's like if I mentioned when you said _____ or ______ (unintentionally hurtful things from a few months ago that have nothing to do with this and are probably the worst thing I ever did in the relationship but have clearly stuck with her).' I apologise for those and say they are my biggest regrets, she says they are one of a few things I said without thinking that still bother her but they are of no great importance and that I didn't mean them to be hurtful which makes it slightly better... Then adds she's too sensitive anyway and that she's off to the doctors. I ask why and discover she now has anxiety and chronic depression, which she definitely didn't have when we were together.

 

I have no idea how to deal with that so say what I said in my message a few weeks ago still sums up my feelings towards her but that the next few texts will be from a friend point of view (don't want to be hit with the 'you're trying to get me back with you' again texts). I then send three or four messages about her being a decent person, say I hate to think of her like this and wish her all the best. A couple more texts follow, she says she'd rather be feeling emotionally inept than how she feels currently and I tell her to 'read my words [the texts above] and know they're truthful. I just need you to believe them too.' No reply. End of conversation.

 

So that's where I'm at now. She's made her decision and I have to live with that but I don't know why she's telling me how upset she is, about being pressured to get back with the father or why she's bringing up things I said long ago that she knows I've apologised for and regretted since I said them. Especially when she knows how I feel about her. I never bring up the bad things she said. If anyone can offer help on this, that'd be great. Why cut ties and then say I can still text her if it's important (and then she does it instead over a tweet that made her anxious...before telling me she's chronically depressed)? She hasn't sent my t-shirt back either. Grr!

 

I think the world of her but for now, I feel I should do what she asked and go no contact, which as long as she doesn't text, doesn't seem too hard to do. I just don't understand why she broke her own rule.

[itsallgrand]

Honestly, it sounds like she seriously does not have herself in order at all.

 

Financially dependent on either the father of her child, or her folks, yet obviously grown up enough to be having kids and to be getting into relationships all the while. Bad judgment.

 

I think her going back and forth is a lot of ping ponging for security. I think that is her biggest motivation is most of what she does; since she clearly does not have it and is not willing to work to provide it for herself (nor her child). And I'm not just talking financial, I'm talking emotional and psychological security too. And in some ways, that is more important (especially raising a kid!).

 

I would distance myself from this girl and not read into what she says. It's probable you'll hear from her again. And what she says will depend on what she feels like she needs to be doing, what she needs from you.

 

I'm not calling her a bad person, but I think when she said she is emotionally unhinged - she was telling you a truth you should listen to.

 

What a world of complication if you were to try to have something serious with a person like this. It's just not possible. She doesn't have the foundation for it. Herself: it's about nobody else. Herself, she hasn't gotten her house in order.

[zztoppoochie90]

I think that's the sort of thing I was wanting to hear. Thanks. I don't wish to defend her but until recently I think she was playing the mother-at-home role and splitting up with the father meant she was left without very much money of her own. She works part time at a hotel but... I see what you're saying on the other points too.

 

I think she needs some time to herself, ideally without her parents to convince her one way or another on various topics. I agree on pretty much everything you said though - I just wanted to hear the opinions of non-biased folk I think!

 

I wish her all the best and hope she sorts herself out.