another painful bump on the road

[jchan]

it's been a tough 6 almost 7 months

to make the story short:

boy meets girl, girl leaves boy after a year, tells boy that "let's be friends", NC exercised possibly on both sides,2-4 months later girl meets new boy, old boy is sad, time passed for a couple o months, boy still sad (the break up was on "mutual" grounds in which the girl felt that she wasn't getting enough attention, no 3rd party)

 

i don't see how this "let's be friends" thing works, e.g. there was no attempt on her end to maintain friendship, she'd even be best friends with a guy she rejected while i was still going out with her. makes me wonder why i wasted my time, money, university grades, just to be with her for one year, only to receive this bull

 

just these moments make me pretty furious especially with the fact that i'm being treated like i never existed at all, that i'm not worth being her friend except for being that acquaintance that you say hi to just because it's rude not to say hello.

 

the big thing is my b-day's coming up, i'm not even sure if she even regards me as a friend or not... not sure what to do, NC has helped in which i've been able to work on myself, the only thing that backfired was the fact that it let her find someone new. (although ppl may debate this, but it seems true that people race to get into a relationship to see who's capable of attracting someone).

 

i'm crushed, i don't know what to do, but i know i've been able to improve myself lately.

[Azure13]

Hi there,

do yourself a favor, and just keep her out of your life. I know thats not what you want to hear, but its the only thing to do. I had a similar situation, I was going out with a guy who was supposedly ga ga over me, til he gradually started ignoring me and finally dumped me saying "we'd be friends." Months and months passed yet he still never treated me like a friend, now he has somebody new and I realized that I never was a friend to him. Sometimes people just say those things.. or they say it and know that they can walk all over you, just because they can. So do yourself a big favor, and protect yourself, cut her out of your life. Its the only way to maintain your dignity and let her realize that shes really actually lost you. Let it be her problem now, not yours. So best of luck, and please do as I said. Someone like that, isn't gonna be a friend of yours, isn't gonna do anything to you or for you but hurt you just cause they feel like it.

[trishcollins]

Hey jchan,

 

I don't believe the "friends thing" ever really works at all. For the dumper (them), it's sometimes a way to ease the guilt of breaking up, which is not what we really want. For the dumpee (us), it just prolongs the pain, especially if you still want more. I think the rule of thumb should be, if you are happy to be friends WITHOUT expecting more, then go for it. I think, however, most of us would have trouble doing it.

 

NC does work because it gives you time to heal and time to review the entire situation and see things more clearly. For instance, the NC I have been doing has made me realize how many arbitrary decisions my "ex" made about our life together without discussing it with me first. Big life decisions that affected us. I allowed it to happen because I always felt he had "one up on me" -- he has kids. And so, I agreed to many decisions he be made without me, that I might not have otherwise. I also realized that not only was "I" not consulted, but neither were the kids, and so I have realized that I no longer want to be in a relationship with someone who can just assume a decision, and then use "well you figure out what you want, and if it's not what I decided, then maybe you need to rethink the relationship."

 

NC is really not to help the dumper get over you faster or miss you more and come running back. If the dumper what's to be in touch, and you left it all on a good note, then great. If not, it's just easier to not keep in touch. I tried to end it with dignity and grace, but I made it very clear that I would be going NC because it was just to hard for me. I told him that if he wanted to be in touch (and only with good news) that he knew where to find me. I think he appreciated my candor and my guts. And of course, the last think I want is to be pitied by my "ex".

 

I know how hard it is. I lost my best friend when my ex ended our 2 year relationship. However, I have the history and experience to know that being friends does not work for me, because I am always hoping it will lead to more, and went it doesn't, it's just brings more pain. And worse if they move on to someone new and you have to stand by and watch it.

 

I have only ever remained friends with one "ex", and that was a situation were it was more a fling. He and I have been friends for 9 years now and supported each other through several breakups. but as for my serious relationships, I could never be friends once we split. I needed to move on and so did they. Sad but true.

[lady00]

deleted.

[Quiet_gemini]

Hey dude, i hear you. Follow the adivce of those above, keep her out of your life.

 

I'm going through a similar situation, girl wanted boy, boy wanted girl, girl changed mind, only wants to be friends (albeit, close friends that talk ALL THE TIME), i had to tell her no more phone calls...it's just too painful, and keeps giving me hope...so no more... Do as i did dude, in the long run, it'll make it easier...and as you said, it's just another bump...the road will end one day soon.