Dad died last year to cancer, and that is not the worst of it

[LightAndDark]

Last year my father died of inflammatory breast cancer. But before you go on saying you had a family member died of cancer too, its more than that. much worse.

 

Lets start off with the beginning of this hell. My father was diagnosed with male breast cancer back in 2007. He was treated and after some months the cancer went into recession. Then some years later the cancer became active again. I think it was 2009. He was treated for some months and then it went into recession. Come late 2009 and his right hand started to become numb slowly. It started with the tips of his fingers. The numbness slowly worked its way up his arm after several months. Because he had his lymph nodes taken out his arm started to swell due to not being able to move it. It was about half a year till his whole right arm was useless. We thought that this was due to all the chemo therapy, or at least that is what they told me.

 

I should point out my parents kept a lot from me to "protect me". It was a long while before I discovered that his cancer had caused the skin on his back to be eaten away. He had a smell of rotting flesh on him.

 

My father worked at the hospital as a physical therapist and he did not want to be treated at a hospital due to his pride and not wanting others to see him in this state. My mother and I were the only ones helping him, besides the trips to the cancer center. So my mother had to re bandage his soars, and I did get a glimpse of them once, it looked like something had eaten his flesh away in areas.

 

When he started to get worse we have my grandparents to come over and help us out with comfort and support. I should also note that during most of his cancer I had been in full on denial that he would die. I figured it was just breast cancer, the worst that would happen is he would lose a nipple and as a guy thats hardly a bad thing...we dont really use them.

 

I tried using humor to hide away the fear, until I could no longer use humor so I just blocked anything bad out of my mind. When I saw his soars I quickly suppressed it. It was so easy. I regret doing that because now blocking this becomes so natural to me that its difficult to prevent myself from blocking things. Large parts of me are locked away.

 

Anyways near the end of his life he was in massive pain. Still at home, always in his chair. Then my mother's mental breakdown.....

 

I remember I was at the sink washing dishes and heard my mom come walking in to the kitchen from behind me. I turned around and she had a gun. I was terrified. Thoughts raced in split seconds. Was this a dream? This cant be real! Before I knew it I was running away. My mind already trying to figure out what to do, hoping she would just put the gun away. Dad talked her out of it after a while. She said nothing.

 

I am glad the gun was not loaded, but that makes no difference. It was just me my mom and my dad, I wanted to leave, to get out but didnt want to leave my dad with her alone.

 

My dad told me not to tell anyone about this, he felt that we could handle it. Later that day she was feeling better. But the next day....the next day she started looking at the bleach, she didnt look like she was in the right state of mind.

 

After this my dad's health quickly spiraled downward. Near the end each day he got worse and worse. I was alone with him during the nights for a few days. Till someone had the good sense to higher someone to help and stay during the night.

 

I had to give him morphine every hour because his tumors were spreading fast and the pain was unbearable for him.

 

Even with the help I was alone. I felt alone. After he died I felt like it was still a bad dream. I still feel that way.

 

The even worse part is, that cancer is genetically passed down, or so we believe. Meaning I have the same cancer gene in me. It skips a generation it seems but can still activate. I have not gotten myself check...I fear what I might find. I would rather not know. You will not convince me otherwise. I make this clear, do not try to tell me to go get checked. It will only piss me off. It will really piss me off.

 

So yeah, I wish I had to only deal with my dad dying of cancer, that seems like a walk in the park in comparison to what I am going through.

 

I should also mention that I wonder this is all a fabrication or some afterlife hell. Or if not then I wonder because of all these things like the 2012 b/s or that meteorite that fell over russia is some sign of the end times. Oh and dont tell me to go to church or something. i already tried going into religion and that just warped my mind. And i can already tell some people will be like "I know you dont want to hear it but maybe you should go to church". just dont! Not even a mention of it...not one single mention at all. Not even a whisper.

 

Maybe I am losing my mind, it feels that way sometimes. I kind of like it, and hate it. Yes this is all real, this is all true. I need to talk to someone about it, but I dont want them to know who I am. I cant keep it in a diary because then it is only I who sees it, and if someone else sees it and comments on it then at least I know its real...I dont know myself anymore..

 

My mind is spinning. I am writing this down to give you a gimps into what is going on inside my head. I dont know if I might die. I dont care and yet I am terrified. The thought that one day I will die terrifies me...Gone, nothingness. Its an inescapable fact....my life will one day be over. Is there an afterlife? I do not care to think of that. or sometimes I do.

 

I want to erase this all, hide what I have written, but I need to let this out.

 

I am in hell, going through it. I come out and go back in.

 

Cant sleep, I hate the night. I dont care about anyone anymore. My personality keeps switching. I wonder if there is a tumor in my brain or if its just due to the stress and lack of sleep. Probably is.

 

I need to sleep. But I want this to be out there.

 

This is all real.

[darkja25]

Im sorry for your loss. I have gone through something similar with my grandpa who raised me and had brain cancer. I had to mostly take care of him myself while supporting my mother and my grandmother. What youre going through is normal. For now just allow yourself to grieve and go through the pain. Be honest with yourself and dont try to hide it or ignore it. Your dad loved you and you know it. He was really strong for you and your mom but in the end were all humans. There are many type of people and your mom just happened to not handle the situation well. Imagine what she went through too and how she might be losing her mind.

Time will show but i have to tell you one thing and hear this well. Grieve as much as you need to take months even years till you feel better look after yourself and try to find inner peace. But dont dwell on it more than that. You cant change the past you can only accept it. Plus think of what your dad would tell you to do. Hed tell you to live your precious life and not waste it and be happy twice as much for him too.

 

And now get ready cause ill piss you off. I dont care if i do cause you piss me off too. My best friend father died the same way from cancer diagnosed too late. Go get checked and dont be proud and get treatment if you have it. Cancer can be cured and lots of people have lived through it just fine. Your dad had his reason i disagree with them but it was his choice to not get treated and i respect it. I dont know how old you are but i suppose youre at your 30s tops so your young nonetheless. Dont waste your life you only have one. I myself wasted many years dwelling on thigs that happened in the past and being too stubborn and i wish someone had punched me in the face and told me to wake up back then. Im only 23 and i feel like im 40. I feel old as **** cause i have been through stuff. There were times i was in so much pain i thought i was better off dead. But now im over it and im stronger. Youll get there too in time, dont judge yourself and dont think even once whats "normal" and whats not. Normal is what you do period. Do what you have to do to go on and dont waste your life thinking youll die or you might get cancer one day too thats just gonna wear you down. I had my share of medical problems and i always jumped right in. Id rather know what i have and fight it than be afraid and paranoid of what might happen. For all we know we might get hit by a bus tomorrow but you cant think of it like that or youll go crazy. Just be brave and keep going and one day youll find happiness and say its was all worth it.That i promise you.

[SapphireNoir10]

I'm not going to say I understand, because I don't. I can never understand what you went through. Yes I watched my gran, grandad and my young uncle pass away slowly from cancer but I didn't have to take care of them the way you had to take care of your father.

 

I'm really sorry for your loss. I truly am.

 

Have you thought about grief counselling or counselling? I have a huge fear of death too. Although cancer seems to run in my family most of my family members only got it in their 70's or 80's so I'm hoping If I have to get it i'll get it when I'm older and have lived my life.

 

I get really freaked out about death, but it just makes me try to take each day as it comes. My best friends friend died the other day in a car accident at 22. If she'd only crashed a tiny bit to the left or right she would have survived. It makes you see how fragile life is. Even if you do have the cancer gene it doesn't mean you'll get it it doesn't mean that you'll die from that.

 

You have to try and enjoy each day and see it as a blessing to be here every day. No one knows what the future holds. No one. So it makes sense to enjoy today and try not to worry about tomorrow. I know it sounds patronising and stupid. But it's how i deal with my fear of death.

[stardust65]

I am also sorry for your loss, but you know what? You were there and did what you could for your dad and there has to be some comfort in that. There are many stories out there of people who take it upon themselves to look after a loved one in their dying days. My late partner died of liver cancer and I also took it upon myself to look after him at home and when I think back on it it all seems surreal. You're confronted with the things you are not prepared for. I can remember sitting beside him and giving his pills, a whole handful, I could have easily substituted them for a handful of morphine pills and he never would have been the wiser. I am thankful that it never came to that, but there are a lot of horror stories around like that. These things play out in a lot of homes and many feel that there is no help or support for them.