natinati78 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 It has been two months since we broke up. He replaced me within a week (supposedly he had just met her from a friend of his). On Christmas (one week later) he emailed to ask me to pick up my stuff because his new relationship was going great and was becoming "permanent" and he had asked her to move in. This tore me to pieces and I decided to continue my NC since there was nothing at his place that I needed and I was so hurt the thought of seeing him made me sick. I have tried very hard to forget about him and to move on: therapy, exercise, girls' nights... Everything I can do to be happy without him. But the truth is I still miss him terribly. Now, it seems that he has taken her to meet his family. They have been together for two months but he has pictures of her on his FB and they look so happy. I kept telling myself that he just hates to be alone and that eventually the honeymoon phase will be over. It hurts to see him so happy with her because I can remember when he was absolutely in love with me... He was so adoring and loving until something I would say or do would disappoint him; then all of a sudden he'd put up a wall. This happened for two years and I tried so hard not to disappoint him, but in the end there was no way to live up to his expectations... I keep trying to remind myself that he is happy with her right now but that it probably won't last. I think seeing him happy with someone else makes me feel like maybe it was me; that maybe I just wasn't good enough. I keep trying to move forward but then I see them and it breaks me all over again. How do I let this go? Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Say that he is not moving on and is unhappy that hes no longer with you, what does that change? Are you going to go back to him? The question here is whether you are actually over him or not, if you are then nothing he does or doesn't do will effect you but it is evident that you are still not over him. Get over him or you can't change. Link to comment
amielric Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Oh sweet heart. I felt your pain in your post alone. Unfortunately, there is no easy way out of this. It's GOING to hurt. You will have to suffer through this until you come to a breaking point of letting go. It might take a while. It took a year for me to "somewhat" get over my ex, and the feelings are still there. That reminds me, if you were replaced within two months, the relationship he has with that girl is most likely not real. Keep in mind there is something called rebounds. Your best bet is to stop checking up with him on facecook, it's only going to hurt you more. Don't you think he knows you are watching what he does? It's a sick twisted game. Of COURSE they seem happy! Of course there are tons of pictures. He knows you are watching. He is rushing things with this girl if he is bringing her to his parents. And like all rushed relationships, they end quickly. Also consider that she might have been an unknown factor that cause your break up as well. Where did she come from? Did she just pop up? How long have they've known each other. Your ex sounds like a real a-hole. Get the suffering out the way. Cry if you need to, you would not be human if you didn't. Get the suffering out the way as fast as possible so you can quickly hop on the road to happiness. I'm sorry. Trust me, I know it hurts, but don't fall into his trap. Continue no contact. Message me if you need to talk. Link to comment
kz91 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 My ex-girlfriend already had somebody to fall back on by the time she ended it with me. She was in a relationship with me and in a relationship with him at the same time! She left me for him. I can't describe how it feels because I don't think that there are any words. Deactivate your Facebook, delete his number and move on. Walk away, it's the only thing you can do. Link to comment
gardnergirl2 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Hi nati Your story is very much like mine. Very much. We were together 3.5 years and within a month,she was living with him. She invited herself to move in, but still.......there she is. A year after and they are still together, but I do think the honeymoon period is over. He is on the verge of bankruptcy and she, a 40 yr old woman, has two children that she doesn't raise, is a convicted felon, and won't work. The pain and anguish f being replaced so quickly is gut wrenching. Watching your ex start dating 3 weeks out is bad enough......moving soneone in? Is an excruciating pain that I hope I never go through again. I really loved him, and it has taken me this year to start feeling better. It is a long, arduous process. Or it has been for me. I hope it isn't for you. Sadly, I wish I could say it won't hurt....but I can't. I thought mine was a rebound but it wasn't. He had her lined up and ready to go. While I was left to face the pain alone. I am a better woman than her, and I don't care how cocky that sounds. It's true. This forum has helped me so much and I hope it does you too. I promise that pain gets better. I promise. I am almost healed, and it seems so nice. Wasn't overnight and still not quite there, but almost I wish you a speedier recovery. Keep going with friends etc. pray. Healing will come. As an old pastor once preached " it's Friday ( Good Friday) but take heart! Sundays a coming! Right now I am on Saturday night....late.....and Sunday is just around the corner Link to comment
Limiya Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Being replaced or left for someone else is a truly dreadful experience. It's THE most painful thing i've ever been through, and the pain takes TIME to go. I have had to learn through trial and error about how to cope with it. It's not easy. But you have no choice. Either mope in self pity, or get active. Keep being active and be around your friends as much as possible. Can't stress that enough. My ex left me for someone else, he had her lined up for a while. 4 months later, they were engaged. Nothing i could do, but keep my head high, keep pushing forward with my own life, and be thankful i dodged a bullet. It hurts still sometimes, but it gets easier over time. Pushing 6 months now. Try not to find out any information on his life if you can help it. The less contact the better. Hugs to you. You're deserve the best. Limiya Link to comment
sportsguy9981 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 My ex cheated on me and left me for someone else.. it was terrible and I still have a hard time knowing she is with someone else, after 4 1/2 years together, its going on 5 months now since then, NC the whole time. She ended up breaking up with me over the phone, and he was on the other line so she had to hurry up and do it... I wouldnt be able to do it that way, not with someone I was with for that long. It just goes to show how uncommited she was to me, it makes me sick to even think about it. I put in so much effort into the relationship, no I wasnt perfect but I was commited to her and she knew that without a doubt. She put other things and people ahead of me, probably what your ex did too, and slowly began to erase me from her life. People like this are never happy, if you were yourself in the relationship then thats the way it should've been and you have nothing to regret. Cheaters, users, liers never end up happy, everyone has their dues to pay in life and he'll get what he has coming to him as well... things are all rosey when you meet someone new, but its not the right thing to do, replace somebody right away, it hurts them and it will hurt the person doing it eventually to some degree, once all the lust wears off. Be thankful that you aren't like that, the people we were with are selfish, and users. People really are never who they seem in the beginning, these people our ex's are with seem perfect, but our ex's seemed perfect too in the beginning, after that it takes work and compremise, and who's to say they will be able to do that once the honeymoon phase wears off with their new parters? They weren't able to do that with us, so why would they be able to with the new people? They aren't any better then we are, in fact they are worse because they are dumb enough to be rebounds. Link to comment
nightwatch Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 remenber that forgiving her/him is the best thing to do. wish them good luck and start looking after yourself. Just do what you have to do. Once you forgive, your mind will focus on what is important to you. dont forget that you are the one in making. Link to comment
Strung_Out00 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I know what you are going through. I was replaced by one of her ex's that lives 4 hours away. There's nothing we can do but move forward. I know it's easy to say and hard to put in action, but it's the only thing we can do. The pain is just something we have to go through. I find solace in some of the pain I feel because it validates how I felt towards her. Getting replaced hurts, but the other woman isn't the cause of the breakup. I feel that even if things didn't go down the way they did in my situation, it would've happened eventually even without someone being in the picture. I feel that it eventually would've ended for you, but be glad it was sooner rather than later. Stay active. Look for the positives in life. Mourning the loss of a relationship is much like a death. There's a sort of finality to it in most cases since reconciliations are not that common. You deserve to be treated better than this. Stay away from his facebook and just disappear. You had a life before him and still have one now. Our exes were in relationships with people before the breakup and will be with people after. They will have sex, meet the family, make memories, and do a lot of the same things that we did with them. The bright spot is SO WILL YOU. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of the pain involved with being a dumpee is the pain of rejection and helplessness. One person made the decision and took all the power at that point. We will pull through this. I, just as much as you, want the pain to be over NOW, but only work on our parts and time will heal. Wait again until the seasons change and the weather warms. Winter is a rough time to go through a breakup. It's cold, dark early, there's not much going on, you're less motivated. Once spring rolls around and you are able to get out more, you will start feeling better. Link to comment
natinati78 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Thank you all for your advice and comforting words. It is strange because so many people I know seem to move on from relationships so quickly that two months feels like forever. It makes me feel better to know I am not the only one who takes time to heal. I have thought about deactivating my FB page a few times, but it is the only communication I have with some of my old friends who live in different states and countries, so I figure it would be like giving up one more thing for him. I have blocked him but I can get so obsessive at times, I can't help but unblock him and then I hate myself for looking. I have gotten a bit better about stopping myself... so I guess that's progress?.. lol.. A part of me thinks that it is a rebound but more of me thinks that he is just desperate to be with someone and hates to be alone. He only broke up with me after he met someone else and as long as she doesn't disappoint him he will stay with her... I can't help but wonder if it is possible to never disappoint him; I tried my hardest to make him happy but it was impossible to fulfill his expectations. There are moments when I am relieved that I don't have to worry about disappointing him anymore. Then I think, what if it was me that failed. I think I want to know that she can't keep him happy either because then it proves that it wasn't me. I know that sounds foolish... Especially because I know he always blamed his past girlfriends and ex-wife for the relationship problems and that should be proof enough. I realize that it shouldn't matter to me if he is happy or if she or anyone else will make him happy... I know I need to focus on myself and finding ways to make myself happy but sometimes it feels impossible to be happy without him.. Crazy, I know... Link to comment
MasterPo Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 It hurts a lot, read the advice given again, it's all hard earned and will help you. I think the replacement is just the #$#$3 thing a person can do to another, especially when they tell you not a week ago you mean everything to them. My healing came with the realization that there was nothing, absolutely nothing, I could do about regaining her feelings for me. All I could do was push myself through the pain and each time I found myself wallowing in emo hell, I'd get up and go hard at something else. Time heals all wounds, believe it. It could be a week, a month or a year. Let it ooze out and you'll know when its done. They do come back but its up to you on what you want to sacrifice, your healing and sanity or maybe go for the second shot. Nobody makes that decision for you. I believe most of us find other people, better people and we kick the memories to the curb. Link to comment
natinati78 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 I don't think that sounds cocky at all! I keep thinking the same thing... When my ex and I were together he would be genuinely wowwed both physically and mentally... I can't imagine him feeling that way about her... But I guess he must or why would he be with her over me? Anyway, thank you for the words of encouragement... reading all the comforting words does help... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Block him on facebook and stop unblocking him. Link to comment
natinati78 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 I can't imagine how horrible that would feel... engaged?!... in four months?!... Sadly, I think my ex is capable of something like that... He wanted me to meet his mother, kids, and all his friends within one month of dating but I was a bit hesitant about moving so quickly... I thought we should get to know each other first... I guess this new woman is more his speed... I guess I should just assume they are engaged so it doesn't hurt as badly when they are... lol... Hopefully, I can handle it as gracefully as you seem to have... The funny thing is as much as I can imagine him engaged and married within a year, I also imagine him divorced. Is that mean? Link to comment
gardnergirl2 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 No, not mean at all. Your ex sounds SO much like my ex. Your situation sounds like mine. When she moved in 3 weeks after they started dating, I just KNEW they would be married in 6 months. But my ex s 42 and has never been married. Like you said about yours, as long as she doesn't rock the boat, he will stay or let her stay as the case may be. He told me when we broke up that had I not mentioned it ( breaking up bc he wasn't treating me right) it probably would have never happened. So, he will probably be with her for a long time bc why would she give up all the freebies? She wouldn't. He hates conflict, so he will just roll with the status quo. Plus, he hates being alone. Now, I am predicting they will be long term live ins. At this point, I hate the fact that he and I are " enemies". I am not permitted to speak to him nor him me.....but maybe that is for the best. It's hard though. It really shouldn't be. My attitude should be screw u, but it's hard to feel that way when you loved someone. Link to comment
natinati78 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Share Posted February 24, 2013 I don't want to be enemies with my ex either. As much as everyone keeps telling me he was an a-hole and didn't deserve me, I still think of him as the loving and generous man I fell in love with. Sadly, I know him so well and he has shared so much with me that even when he would become distant or upset with me, I could understand his behavior... I never felt like he intentionally tries to hurt me but that he has so many defense mechanisms. I can see how badly he wants to be with someone but he doesn't understand that relationships just can't be perfect 100% of the time... We had so many good times and he could be so sweet, but whenever things would go wrong he would ice me out... I tried to get him to see a counselor with me because I thought it would improve our communication when he would become distant but he thinks psychologists are manipulative (he wouldn't even go to save his previous marriage). I feel like he is so jaded and hurt but that he cannot see how he uses his past grievances to excuse his selfishness. My therapist has explained that I cannot feel responsible for his feeling (happy or disappointed) and that I cannot save him either. I never thought I was trying to save him but maybe I was. I guess it's not my problem anymore... Link to comment
GrowingUp85 Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 A funny thing about facebook. I look at all my pictures from shortly after our breakup, and I'm happy. I know that deep down, in each picture, I'm not happy, but I'm able to put a smile on my face, and the picture makes it look like I'm happy. My point is that a picture only captures a moment. It doesn't capture our feelings. It doesn't capture everything. Don't put a lot of weight into those pictures. Block your ex, you don't need to see that. But if you do see pictures, know that it doesn't capture all the emotions. Link to comment
natinati78 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Share Posted February 26, 2013 A funny thing about facebook. I look at all my pictures from shortly after our breakup, and I'm happy. I know that deep down, in each picture, I'm not happy, but I'm able to put a smile on my face, and the picture makes it look like I'm happy. My point is that a picture only captures a moment. It doesn't capture our feelings. It doesn't capture everything. Don't put a lot of weight into those pictures. Block your ex, you don't need to see that. But if you do see pictures, know that it doesn't capture all the emotions. Thank you... I have been trying (the last few days) to focus more on myself and less on him. I have left him unblocked because for some reason blocking him makes me feel more obsessive. It's kind of like being on a diet; when I know I can't look I want to look more. He has also unblocked me which makes me wonder if he wants me to see these pictures? Either way, I keep reminding myself that it is over and at this point I really could not take him back. He has simply done too much to hurt me. Link to comment
Tierny Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Im going through that FB thing too as I heal from my sudden breakup. I look to see if he puts any posts public that speak to me somehow. I have to just stop looking, just like it would be wise for you to. Its a part of no contact... out of sight out of mind. What you are going through must be pure hell. Take it day by day... That is all that you can do and try to do fun things with friends that dont involve alcohol so that you dont get too sad. Bless. Link to comment
gardnergirl2 Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Nati; I think we must have dated the same guy. They sound so much alike! We will get through all this. I still hurt but am much further along on the journey. One day, I know I won't care anymore. Link to comment
natinati78 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Share Posted February 26, 2013 Thank you... my friends were great with the initial break up but I have been really careful not to burden them with my frequent "sad" days but reading the posts here reminds me that healing takes time, sometimes more than we would like. I was feeling so drained and broken last week but I talked to someone who suggested that instead of fighting my sadness to let myself feel it; not wallow in it but just accept it. It has actually helped me as I think I was exhausting myself trying not to be sad and punishing myself for my failure to be happy. I understand what you mean about pushing through the pain. There are days when I think I'd probably prefer to sit at home and wallow but I have kept pretty active since the break up - running, hiking, hanging out with friends, meeting new friends, work... It scares me though because in some ways I feel like I am just covering up my pain... when I am alone or waiting for something that is when my sadness strikes... I used to love to be alone with nothing in particular to do; I could spend hours at the beach or at a coffee shop reading - but now the quiet scares me... On top of that, it reminds me of how he would "get busy" instead of dealing with his own disappointments... I don't want to become like him... Link to comment
natinati78 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Share Posted February 26, 2013 Nati; I think we must have dated the same guy. They sound so much alike! We will get through all this. I still hurt but am much further along on the journey. One day, I know I won't care anymore. lol... god that is a scary thought! Sometimes I think it would be therapeutic to meet up with all the exes he told me about who supposed "disappointed" him in one way or another... Sometimes, I think about his ex-wife and I wonder what her side of the story is... He made her sound like such a witch and while I always took it with a grain of salt, I still allowed him to play victim. In the real world this would be psycho but it would make a great movie or book! Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 GEtting replaced/left for somebody, is THE worst. That's what brought me here too. It's a very long hard road ahead, I won't lie. But take some solace in the fact that millions of people have been here before, and most swear that time will heal your wounds. In the mean time, you just have to try to stay occupied or entertained, but you also need to surrender to the pain and the process of working through your emotions. Writing a journal is extremely helpful, as is good ol' exercise. Can't say enough about exercise ...even a long walk. Now is a great time to find a new hobby and make it your escape. You're in a full-on psychobiological emergency response mode. Your subconscious is in a state of crisis and is desperately trying to figure out what went wrong with reality, and how to fix it. This sets your body systems into a hyper-vigilent mode. This is where the ceaseless obsessive thoughts come from. The best way for dealing with it is meditation. Not something out of this world, but just some simple relaxation meditation. For me, meditation became a cool waterfall in a scorching desert of pain. When somebody replaces you, it's like seeing the person you still love plunge a knife into your heart with a smile on their face, and new love in their heart. It is utterly brutal. People will try to help you rationalize the pain of such a separation, but there is something that goes beyond rational thought. You have been abandoned, and what you see is telling you that you meant very little to the person you love. They seem to have no remorse. No care for your pain. They don't show a need to take breath and reflect on the sad demise of what you still believe is a meaningful relationship. And you wonder "how could ____ do this to me?" You wallow in pain asking that question over and over and over. But there is no solution to this puzzle. You will NEVER understand how this terrible change of events could have happened. Even if that person sat down and explained it to you. It just is. There is no answer that will make the pain go away. The simple truth is that the person that left, was out of the relationship long before they pulled the trigger. They played with the idea of being without you, or with somebody else for a while before the opportunity presented its self. But rest assured, this is the point that separates the type of person that can cheat/replace, from the type of person that could not. When a person simply replaces you, it shows that they've been lingering and waiting until something else came along. They weren't happy, but because they lack the ability to make the break and go it alone, they lingered. Using you as a safe place, later to be left in the dust once they found a new safe place. That's pretty weak behavior, but unfortunately, it is very common. Link to comment
MasterPo Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 This is pretty good. Print it out and read it on the blue days. Variations of the statement appear throughout ENA and it has a great deal of truth to it. While you are printing stuff out, might as well get a file going on all the advice you find on the site. As you slingshot here and yon during your healing process, sometimes the way a poster describes a similar state you are experiencing helps like nothing else. Plus it beats calling friends at all hours. Link to comment
gardnergirl2 Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 He hit the nail on the head! But I am a believer in what goes around comes around. Not that I wish it on my ex, but I think there s a way the tables get leveled. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you ...... Link to comment
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