Loneliness still an issue

[Slow Club]

This could easily go in another section but my loneliness is definitely compounded by the BU.

 

Basically, it's been nearly 2 years now since the BU. The loneliness isn't constant but today is particularly bad.

 

I think my main problem is that I don't make friendships very easily and when I do they never turn into real, close, meaningful friendships.

 

I mean I do have some friends that I love but I'm not as close to them as I'd like.

 

This is mainly because I'm always reluctant to show my dodgy emotional instability and baggage and feel that it would just push my friends away. It certainly pushed my ex away a bit.

 

There is honestly not a single person in my life that I feel comfortable talking to when I'm down and upset. Family is definitely a no-go too.

 

Before, i would always turn to my ex but I still feel it would be unfair for me to shift my emotional baggage onto her because she didn't really like dealing with it.

 

I know the suggestions are gonna be "go out there, meet more people" etc etc and i have, I've met plenty of new people since my BU but like I've said, none of them have turned into super close friendships.

 

I don't know what to do. I just had a little cry but would like suggestions as to how I might alleviate my loneliness without texting/calling my ex.

[holdonnow]

If you think your friends are tired of listening to you because of your "dodgy emotional instability and baggage" it seems like those are issues you might address with a counselor instead. Have you thought about finding a therapist?

 

If the friends you have now aren't being supportive, you could always join Meetup to find individuals who share in your hobbies and interests, which you should be actively indulging. Loneliness is normal when you are single. You have to address it in healthy ways such as pursuing your own personal interests, going back to school, taking a second job, volunteering, adopting a pet, or changing careers, etc.

[gigginstick]

Get a dog.

[Leftright]

In my experience, I think the best thing for you would be to continue to get out there and try to meet new people. Also, I would suggest finding a life coach or therapist who might be able to help you through your loneliness. I struggle with loneliness also, so I am in the same boat. 10 years being stuck single and not as close to friends/family as I would like to be, and definitely no dating prospects. (I don't do online dating anymore, so that's probably one reason.) Take some time and write down what particularly makes you lonely, and maybe jot down some possible solutions. In other words, keep a journal, and try to keep yourself busy in the meantime with hobbies and other interests.

 

Hang in there!

 

-LR

[matti]

I know how you feel. I seem to have lost a good majority of my friends due to my relationships over the years. I'd get into a new relationship and I would slowly start hanging out with my friends less over time. Now I'm single again and I have to start all over again. I don't feel as if I have any good/close friends either. It sucks, but I know it's going to take some time to get to that point again. Then again, since I have no one to go to now, perhaps I never really did have any good friends or they'd still be there for me at my time of need, regardless.

 

All you can really do is keep trying. I wish there was more advice I could give, but it's defintely the same on my end too. Perhaps work on a few productive hobbies, start partaking in events that revolve around those hobbies (skateboarding, snowboarding, biking for example). Perhaps then you'll meet better quality people. You might just be looking in all the wrong places right now.

 

Good luck bro!

[Reflective82]

If it's been two years, your loneliness is about you not your ex. That is a LONG time.

 

Focus on meeting someone new- I know how damn hard it is but I think it's time

[FreeFallFeelin]

Everywhere I turn these days, I hear somebody talking about how lonely they are, and how hard it is to meet people. I mean EVERYWHERE. And particularly, like you stated, the ability to find people that become close and meaningful friends. We often languish alone believing that the rest of the world is living a life resembling an episode of 'Friends', which just isn't true.

 

Loneliness is rampant in our modern world. Digital gadgets that promised to "connect" people like never before have proven to isolate people just as much, as people become more and more reliant on filtering reality through the safety of a computer interface. Most of the outlets for real world social interaction have been reduced down to be basically nothing more than meaningless entertainment. At any given location, if you look around, you'll see about half the crowd starring into the glow of a smartphone. People would rather hide behind their technology than face the random, not always fun, not always entertaining real world. Even in intimate small groups, people have their smart gadget ready and waiting for easy access (escape), just in case their surroundings prove to be less than entertaining, or not about them. If this sounds like you, then unchaining yourself from your gadgets, and practicing engaging with the world around you is priority #1. Instead of looking for the next Tweet, look for the next opportunity to have a simple exchange with somebody, even a stranger. Put yourself out there. Say the fist word. Take a chance. Expect to get very mixed responses, and don't take it personally when somebody doesn't feel like reciprocating.

 

The truth about friends is that very very very few will become the type of friend that we all would like to have - that super tight bond, like a brother or sister, that lasts forever. And it is very very rare to have a friend (or partner for that matter) that can fulfill all the facets of you. One friend may be great for going out and doing things with, but another friend may be better when you're looking for someone to talk to. Closeness in any relationship happens by sharing experiences. An acquaintance can become a good friend just by sharing some common experiences with them, and the more intense the experience is (for example; working on an important project together) the tighter the bond will be. It doesn't matter if you have everything in common with a person, what matters is how you interact when you're sharing those experiences. This is why it is so common for soldiers that endure so much together, to form extremely tight "brotherhood" style bonds with their fellow soldiers.

 

Most of the time a person needs to take themselves out of their comfort zone in order to get out of a rut, or to create new opportunities. For example, I recently went to a certain type of event that I thought I would never attend. Well, I ended up meeting a girl (who also thought she would never attend an event like that) and we've established a loose FWB relationship! Putting myself in a new situation, outside of my comfort zone worked out well indeed.

[Slow Club]

FFF:

 

I pretty much agree with you on all points there. I particularly like your 'Friends' allusion as I've often pondered that question and concluded that hardly anybody must have friendships like that.

 

It's just find it particularly difficult for me because I can be quite emotional unstable and wish I had somebody I could just call and speak to but I don't. And I'm not very good at opening up to people so as to allow close bonds to form.

 

And it's definitely having an effect on me getting over my ex. I pretty much over her and don't feel I would take her back if she asked me to (certainly not immediately anyway). But she's the only person I've ever opened up to and the only person I feel knows me very well. And I guess I feel like if she doesn't walk into my life to be my friend, I feel as though I might not ever form that kind of friendship again.

 

I know I've just got to keep my head up a bit, trying to talk to people and make friends. After all, the more people you meet, the more likely it is that one of these people care about you enough to get to know you really well.

 

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feel lonely too. Because the feeling makes you feel completely isolated when in fact many people feel the same way, so thanks.

[quirky]

Great post FFF

 

I can be quite emotional unstable

 

What exactly do you mean by that...what kind of behaviour?

[elthariel]

Slow Club, I feel like your posts could have been written by me. And all this "those really close friends are very rare" stuff is BS, I think. These kind of relationships are all around me, and they are just a constant reminder of how alone I really feel. Furthermore I don't think these feelings of loneliness have anything to do with today's 'gadgets.' Some of us are just socially inept and can't find people to connect with.

 

But anyway, I know your pain, just wanted to say that. I have a decent number of friends but none of them I would call a "best friend." The closest thing I have to that is an emotionally abusive ex who I have a very unhealthy relationship with. It especially sucks because I know at any day he could drop me like a hat, and then I will have NO ONE to just "call and speak to" as you put it.

 

I guess we can just try and stay positive, yada yada. Just try to think that maybe... maybe.... one day you will actually meet that person you can tell all your deepest darkest feelings to.

 

Edit: And one other thing, regarding the replies about seeking professional help from a therapist... I've also been told this, several times, by both friends and family, but I just don't see the point. I would rather 'get a dog' as someone suggested than talk to some over-educated psychiatrist about myself when I can barely even understand me.

[theface71]

Count me part of the lonely club too. I too can relate to this post. Have not felt connected to anybody for a long time and I have lost plenty of my friends during my BU-my ex was a mutual friend with most of my friends so they didn't really wanted to show any support towards me but showed support for my ex...Overall I have gone through periods of similar loneliness but for the past year it has been extra hard. The only words I can say is keep on keepin' on...

[Slow Club]

Elthariel: totally agree with your points about theraphy and social ineptness. I've never been amazing at conversations and never been good at forming close bonds. Some people just have a knack for it whilst everyone else is left in the shadows. We want close friendships too...even if it doesn't seem that way.

 

Love your point about "if I do t know myself, how would a therapist know". It's funny cos it's kinda true.

 

@theface71

 

I also lost mutual friends mainly because my ex is much more fun and likeable than me. It's annoying because I did once ask her if she could help me with my social ineptness.

 

Also, we should definitely have a sub-forum for loneliness.

[sportsguy9981]

Try link removed and see if there are any groups in your area.. there's only like 1 group in my area, but if I drive a couple hours there are more. In these groups, people set up activities and then people meet up to do them.. if I lived in a large city, I would be doing this all the time, in this small town theres not much of a choice but check it out and you you never know, just enter your zip code to find out.