Breakup but we work together! Help?

[TheSpoon2Big]

Here I am again, writing about the same girl I did back in July of last year when we went through a terrible breakup. She broke up with me then, I did a "NC" on her for a few days. Then we talked, argued, fought, eventually got back together even when she saw I was signed up for an online dating service (at the advice of my brother just to help me get my mind off of it) even though I was definitely not serious. I think she got jealous or something, I don't know, then we got back together. We have had our ups and downs since then of course. Long story....

 

We weren't able to spend Valentine's Day together on the actual date so she had surprised reserved a hotel room for us on Saturday night (two days ago). She never does anything like this and it was really amazing. She went all out with roses and candles and ballons. She was very sweet to me that though day even though at first I was sort of stand-off-ish for some reason. We went to dinner and came back to the hotel room. She was a little sick from the food and threw up. I wanted to try and take a bath with her and be sensual (since we haven't done that in awhile and it was sort of tension)... she said no bath but she would do a shower. Then she changed her mind so I just showered by myself. Then we were watching TV in bed and began to argue about what to watch on TV. She would pick something she wanted, then I would try to kiss on her and be seductive and she would push me away. Then later when I was watching something on TV and she tried hugging and kissing me I jokingly acted like I was trying to see the TV and I was not serious. But she got mad and then turned off the light and went to bed.

 

I tried cuddling with her and she ignored me and pushed me off. I got mad and said something like "yea it's always on your f***ing time" etc. We went back and forth about stuff like that. Then she finally said "I'm not happy, I want to end this". Then I went into breakdown mode... crying, begging, all that again. I was even so frustrated I hit my head and was like "ugh!". I never do that. It's just we have been over this stuff before and it kills me. She's always having family issues and feeling like she wants to just "run away" from everything and go to another country etc and that sometimes I stand in the way because she doesn't want to just leave me hanging. So maybe she does things to try to get me to break up with her or she pushes me away. I don't know.

 

Anyways... we finally went to bed. I cried all night trying to hold it in because she just calls me a crybaby and it's a turn off when I do that, I know that. I tried to stay strong. I really messed up when I finally told her I was having some "dark thoughts" and skirted on the issue of ending my life in an attempt to get her to talk to me. This just pissed her off more and of course I was not serious but I was trying to backpedal but it was too late. Then I really hated myself.

 

The next morning we had a talk after breakfast and she was adamant about being "just friends" etc. She went into a tirade of how she just doesn't want to be in a relationship, blah blah blah... she's not happy with me. Then it was "there are certain things about you that I don't like and I can't overlook" and she mentioned when I hit myself in my head. Basically I felt even worse because it's all my fault. I feel like I could have done things differently that night and then we wouldn't be broken up. She says it was bound to happen anyways. Ugh...

 

Later that day after she took most of her stuff from my house back to hers.... I found a few more items she left her, bagged them up. Wrote two long letters... bought her a plant, a massage gift card, some pictures of us together, then showed up at her house to give them to her. Bad idea and I knew it. She texted me afterwards telling me not to give her gifts because she already feels bad and guilty enough.

 

The twist of this whole story is that WE WORK TOGETHER! A few weeks back there was an opening at her job and she put in my resume and a good word for me and I was hired. Today was my first day there. She isn't coming in until Wednesday but her brother also works there and it's a closed knit office where it is virtually impossible to avoid contact. I'm thinking this is great timing.... she says "well what do you want me to do just stay with you so you can work there?" I told her no that's not what I'm saying... it's just incredibly stressful for me trying to learn this entirely new job right now on top of the added pressure our breakup. It was going to be challenging even if we were on good terms and dating still but to make matters worse now she breaks up with me.

 

Then she says she just wants to be friends, of course. She texted me last night saying "I just want to say I really hope we can be good friends and get past this. Have a good first day at work tomorrow!" and I just wrote back "thanks". I don't want to acknowledge her desire for us to just be "friends". I want her back. I tried talking to her today about my first day at work but she didn't want to talk. I finally got the guts to try going NC (at least until I have to see her at work on Wednesday in 2 days):

 

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I want to get her back so bad. I am hurting so much right now that I actually cannot even cry. I'm afraid if I do that I won't be able to stop. I have to stay strong in the face of the workplace and try to be calm and learn this new job on top of everything. If I had the money I would not do this because it's too much pain for me. But I really need the money and the job and it's a decent job so I sort of need to stick to this to get back on my feet for awhile at least. I'm not sure what to do!!!! I went NC with those texts... not sure if that was the best way to do it. I don't know what to do anymore. How do I stay NC while working with an ex? How can I be strong and confident and attractive and elusive etc to get her to want to date me again?

[blacklantana]

1) why was she doing the surprise... usually the guy should romance the girl, why was she romancing you? seems odd (not saying it's wrong, just curious)... have you always spent v-day like this in the past?

 

2) Was she pushing you away when you tried to kiss her because she was still feeling bad about the food? Or was it because you were arguing? And was it playful pushing, or serious mode face pushing?

 

3) When you jokingly acted like you were trying to see the TV, is that because she joked with you before?... this all just seems very immature though, especially if she went to sleep DIRECTLY afterwards

 

 

 

 

You have to add composure here. There's a way to talk to people, and this isn't it... How old are you two?

 

 

 

This is all bad... Never show this much emotion in the sense of begging and crying. This is a HUGE turn off.... And hitting your head shows signs of instability. If I was her, I would have ran for the hills a long time ago, especially if you are saying she stated this was going to happen eventually.... You need to seriously work on yourself and pull yourself together before you can be in a relationship, and I mean that with the best intentions. Have you had therapy of any kind?

 

 

 

Her calling you a cry baby is just childish.... It sounds like a lot of immaturity surrounding your relationship... And once again, why would you tell her you want to end your life? Instability... Codependency issues... This is TURN OFF's 101. You don't say these things man.... Tell your therapist or someone you trust, but not the her. Work on these issues alone or with someone, but you seriously need to sort them out.

 

 

 

 

Yeah not good. Should have given her space.... the worst thing you can do is PULL your ex/gf back in, it will only PUSH her away. The push/pull theory is quite accurate. The more you pull, the more they will push.... You need to give her time, space, etc...

 

 

 

Good for you to go NC.... Now this is the time you need to pull yourself together and gain composure. When you see her at work, nothing but SMILES and positivity! Do you understand? You will change and become someone new. Just be casual. She eventually won't look at with any bad thoughts from before.

[abitbroken]

If I got food poisoning and threw up, the last thing I would want to do is get intimate. I think that you made a misstep = instead of holding her at the most or going to get her some ginger ale, crackers, trying to make her comfy, you were out for your pleasure. You didn't get the message after she kept rebuffing your advances. I understand that you expected sex, but you didn't read the changing situation. When you get sick from food like that, sometimes you feel like you are going to die.

 

There had to be other stuff going on, though, for her to break it off with you - it wasn't just one horrible evening. You are going to have to hope your old job takes you back or you are going to have to grin and bear it and avoid her at work.

 

I think she means she wants to be "friends" as in she doesn't want to be enemies.

 

I would not overdue the "smiles and positivity" - I would not contact her at all out of work and I would just be polite when you HAD to talk to her for now and focus on your job and your other coworkers for the time being. That really is a stinker that you now work with her.

[imarmaInids]

test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test

[loveology]

Yeah, I find it a bit odd that you tried to have sex with her after she threw up. I would imagine that she still wasn't feeling all that great at the point. That said, instead of pushing you away she probably should have just told you that she wasn't feeling well enough for sex and asked for a rain check.

 

Anyway, it sounds like there is a lot of immaturity on both sides of this relationship, so it's probably for the best that you guys aren't together right now. I think she has the right idea - NC, but cordial at work so as not to make things awkward in the office.

 

However, you asked for NC and then proceeded to send three more long, rambling text messages even after she agreed to it. It makes it appear that you aren't actually seeking NC but are actually trying to find the last thing that might get you some attention from her. It's not attractive and it will do nothing but cause more damage. Just STOP contacting her completely.

[TheSpoon2Big]

1) why was she doing the surprise... usually the guy should romance the girl, why was she romancing you? seems odd (not saying it's wrong, just curious)... have you always spent v-day like this in the past?

 

 

Last year I went all out on her and it was our first Valentine's Day together. This year she insisted that she wanted to do something special for me instead. She is more of a "taker than a giver" as she has said and oftentimes feels bad for not doing as much as I usually do for her on a regular basis anyways and wanted to sort of make up for some of it with this surprise.

 

 

2) Was she pushing you away when you tried to kiss her because she was still feeling bad about the food? Or was it because you were arguing? And was it playful pushing, or serious mode face pushing?

 

 

No no it had nothing to do with the food. We were not arguing. It has been something in our relationship sometimes in the past she will get really into a TV show or something and just doesn't want to be bothered, even if we're fighting or not. It was playful pushing saying "amor, I am trying to watch this show".

 

 

3) When you jokingly acted like you were trying to see the TV, is that because she joked with you before?... this all just seems very immature though, especially if she went to sleep DIRECTLY afterwards

 

 

You have to add composure here. There's a way to talk to people, and this isn't it... How old are you two?

 

 

Yes that's why I jokingly acted that way in return. Immature, yes. We have done it back and forth in our relationship on many different things as sort of a joking way of communicating our frustrations or something. Odd, maybe, but it's our way of communicating.

 

 

She's 24 and I am 27.

 

 

This is all bad... Never show this much emotion in the sense of begging and crying. This is a HUGE turn off.... And hitting your head shows signs of instability. If I was her, I would have ran for the hills a long time ago, especially if you are saying she stated this was going to happen eventually.... You need to seriously work on yourself and pull yourself together before you can be in a relationship, and I mean that with the best intentions. Have you had therapy of any kind?

 

 

Yes we have been through some struggles like this in the past. I have my own issues that I am working through - I do attend therapy. She has tried attending therapy on her own but didn't work out. She has intense family issues... living at home still, being under a lot of pressure to be the "man of the house" almost because of a language and cultural barrier for her parents so she has a lot of responsibility and drama and just wants to run away from everything.

 

 

 

 

Her calling you a cry baby is just childish.... It sounds like a lot of immaturity surrounding your relationship... And once again, why would you tell her you want to end your life? Instability... Codependency issues... This is TURN OFF's 101. You don't say these things man.... Tell your therapist or someone you trust, but not the her. Work on these issues alone or with someone, but you seriously need to sort them out.

 

 

I know, I know...the turn offs and the neediness etc. Part of me has been strong in the past and even when I'm doing it I'm kicking myself in the gut saying STUPID dont act like this but sometimes emotions get the best of me I know... I am filled with a ton of self blame now and shame for my actions and am blaming the entire relationship as my failure.

 

 

Yeah not good. Should have given her space.... the worst thing you can do is PULL your ex/gf back in, it will only PUSH her away. The push/pull theory is quite accurate. The more you pull, the more they will push.... You need to give her time, space, etc...

 

On Sunday when we were going back and forth on text she finally asked for space and I said OK I'll leave you alone now. She said thank you. Then after I had gone to bed much later that night she sent me a text saying, "I just wanted to tell you that I really hope we can get past this and be good friends. I wish you all the best tomorrow on your first day at work. Go show em' what you got !

 

All I wrote back was "thanks" in the morning. I didn't want to acknowledge anything she said about being friends...

 

 

Good for you to go NC.... Now this is the time you need to pull yourself together and gain composure. When you see her at work, nothing but SMILES and positivity! Do you understand? You will change and become someone new. Just be casual. She eventually won't look at with any bad thoughts from before.

 

Tomorrow will be our first official day at the office together... Her brother also works with us and he has been friendly to me but I'm not sure if he knows the full details. Either way, I'm bracing myself for a storm of emotions tomorrow....

 

Do you think there is a chance I can go NC while at work yet at the same time be "unavailable" and elusive and work on being confident and attractive to get her back?

[nutbrownhare]

You started the day by being standoffish, took offence when she didn't want to be intimate with you when she'd just been sick, swore at her when she pushed you away, then started crying and talking about taking your own life!

 

For your own wellbeing, try and sort out your own neediness and lack of security before you attempt to have a relationship with anyone at all. Especially, do not try to get her back, because you'll find that the fights and craziness will escalate. I'm not saying that the troubles in your relationship were all your responsibility, as a mature woman would have run for the hills at the first sign of this kind of behaviour - and your ex decided to hang on in there, at least for a while, which enabled you to continue like that.

 

If you can get your old job back, that would be the ideal solution. Otherwise, it sounds as though she's mature and forgiving enough not to make a scene at work, and is wishing you well. So go in, be professional and detached as you would be anywhere else.

 

She may well not have told her brother about the weekend. I know I'd be too embarrassed to be sharing the scenario you described with anyone else!

[Ms Darcy]

You started the day by being standoffish, took offence when she didn't want to be intimate with you when she'd just been sick, swore at her when she pushed you away, then started crying and talking about taking your own life!

 

For your own wellbeing, try and sort out your own neediness and lack of security before you attempt to have a relationship with anyone at all.

 

Yeah, totally. If it were me, I would have broken up with you too. And getting back together would not be an option with me.

 

You really need to work on your issues before approaching a new relationship.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Alright, the sex thing is really sort of blown out of proportion. Maybe I didn't really explain it well enough. Our issue that night was NOT about sex. It wasn't anything like me trying to get her to have sex and she wasn't feeling well. Not at all. It wasn't pressure and we were not talking about it. We just were trying to get in the mood maybe. Like I said, after I initially tried kissing her and she wanted to watch TV, I left it alone. Then afterwards, she started kissing and hugging on me and I jokingly pushed her away. It's our backwards way of communicating frustrations to each other in our relationship, perhaps. She immediately got mad and just went to bed. It was immature on both of our parts the way that whole thing was handled. I think there was a lot of pressure on us to have a romantic evening etc and it just didn't meet our expectations so we both felt frustrated by it maybe.

 

Those text conversations I showed you about me initiating a form of NC got backwards. They wouldn't fit on one screen. I did not send her three rambling texts in return. Those were BEFORE and then she sent the texts saying she agrees with NC and she'll be nice at work and otherwise leave me alone, etc.

 

I'm working on options and outlets but right now it's nearly impossible to go cold hard turkey NC. I mean we work together and I am feeling all kinds of pressure and it's killing me... today was my second day and tomorrow will be our first day on the job together. I just cannot possibly let all my feeling build up and potentially jeopardize our jobs, or at least mine. I am struggling to not only learn the job which is stressful already and the dynamics of us working together were going to be difficult without now being broken up which adds increased pressure. I need the job for financial reasons so leaving is not an option for me right now. Coupled with the part of my brain that thinks if I am able to be in contact with her, there is a chance I can get her back...

 

I finally broke down and called her tonight. I needed to get this all out of my chest before going into work together tomorrow. She was very nice and supportive and acted like she did a few nights ago before my first day of work when she texted me "I just really want this to work out and for us to be friends and get through this. Have a good first day at work tomorrow - go show them what you got!" ... I found that really supportive. I thought that talking to her at all was going to be worse for me so that's why I asked for NC yesterday. But as the day went on today, I realized at work it's going to be very difficult for BOTH of us probably to not feel at least a little awkward. I told her tonight that I want things to be as smooth as possible and I really don't have anyone to talk to. I have exhausted my resources - family, friends, etc. No one has an answer or a solution for me right now. I just have to wing it. I expressed this to her in a very real and calm way, not throwing a pity party or acting needy. Just being open and honest and needing to communicate my desire to be connected with her somehow I guess. She said "yea like I said we can be friends we can still go to the gym together after work etc". She said I am just over-analyzing it too much and it will all be OK and just to stop thinking about it so much.

 

Her words comforted me. But I also feel like I showed weakness and let myself down somehow by not maintaing NC. I just knew it was going to be inevitable to do NC while at work, practically sitting next to each other's desks. It really couldn't get any worse than this for me. I'm very stressed/angry/hurt/sad/guilty/nervous, the whole 9 yards.

 

I want to be the strong and confident man that she was attracted to or whatever. We wouldn't have been together 1.5yrs if we had no chemistry. Part of me wants to know if she is hurting just to feel like I am not alone in this. I guess the person doing the breaking up doesn't feel as much pain...

[TheSpoon2Big]

Yes, I admit that I was hesitant to accept her being really nice. She never does that kind of stuff. It really threw me off. We have had this stuff happen before where she is suddenly really nice and giving and loving and I will at first be cautious thinking something is wrong. She assures me that she just wants to be nice and to accept it. She is usually pretty mean to me and often when she feels bad she will reverse herself and be nice to make up for it. I am usually the very loving and giving one, buying gifts and always giving her massages and just generally being a lot more patient and able to accept her shortcomings and family issues that she takes out on me.

 

I am embarrassed about crying and talking childishly about taking my own life. It was a last ditch effort of desperation in the moment to get her to talk to me. I was grasping at thin air and I already knew it. I hate myself for doing it. I can understand being on the other side of something like that and it makes me hate myself more. I feel really retarded for that. Of course we cleared it up and I told her it was a mistake and I was stupid for saying it, etc. She said she forgave me.

 

I cannot get my old job back. I was laid off and it was already a ridiculously stressful environment working with juveniles in a correctional facility where constant physical managements were conducted on the kids and overall hyper vigilant crisis management issues. And we worked 16 hour shifts for 3 days. I'm just saying, that's not an option.

 

I am already feeling guilty enough for my actions and filled with a lot of self blame. She is not an angel and I am not the sole cause of our problems. She has IMMENSE family troubles... her family being from another country. Her parents having relied on her to basically get them through everything their whole life due to language barriers, etc. She has had tremendous responsibility and drama and I could go on for hours about this. I have always been patient and loving and she has admitted to me on MANY occasions how bad she feels for treating me badly or being selfish and neglectful of me and has continually made statements about how she is trying to change herself for the better for our relationship, etc.

 

I attached just a few of some of the types of little notes she has left me for example.... it's very confusing to see these and then be in the situation I am in now with her breaking up with me and I'm trying to figure out where it went wrong. Obviously I admit my faults but I am looking for some kind of comfort in knowing that it wasn't all my fault!

 

I'm not a bad guy and I'm not a monster. I have taken a lot of emotional beating in this relationship and she has even acknowledged it. I have suppressed my own emotions so many times because I didn't want to "rock the boat" and she was VERY hyper sensitive to any kind of perceived "neediness" on my part. I could tell her my knee hurt one day, and she would suddenly interpret that as me trying to get a reaction or something from her. She would say "oh great now your knee hurts there is always something wrong with you". When in reality, I wasn't doing that at all! She has an already built in protective barrier I think to try and keep people at a distance. I really don't know. Please take a look at my attachments though to see what I'm dealing with.. Just some random examples from recent past of things she would write to me, sometimes following a little fight or something that she felt bad for. To try to paint a picture of this better maybe....

 

 

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[nutbrownhare]

As I said earlier, be as professional as you can at work, and take some time out to work on yourself before trying to have another relationship, to boost your own confidence and self esteem.

 

Looking at her issues rather than your own will get you nowhere. The only person you have any control over, and any responsibility for, is yourself. Telling yourself what a train wreck SHE is, as a way of justifying and explaining your own behaviour, will not help you heal at all.

 

Yes, you probably did take an emotional battering during that relationship. So why are you so keen to get her back?

[TheSpoon2Big]

As I said earlier, be as professional as you can at work, and take some time out to work on yourself before trying to have another relationship, to boost your own confidence and self esteem.

 

Looking at her issues rather than your own will get you nowhere. The only person you have any control over, and any responsibility for, is yourself. Telling yourself what a train wreck SHE is, as a way of justifying and explaining your own behaviour, will not help you heal at all.

 

Yes, you probably did take an emotional battering during that relationship. So why are you so keen to get her back?

 

I am not trying to look at her issues instead of mine at all. I am filled with an enormous amount of self blame on my own part right now. I want so badly to have my hurt be validated and justified, but I keep hearing her words in my head calling me a crybaby and that I just want people to feel sorry for me. This is absolutely not the case.

 

In no way am I trying to explain or excuse any of my behavior by way of highlighting her errors. I am just in a really painful and fresh state right now and it's so difficult right now... I miss her so badly.

[Ms Darcy]

You are not a bad guy or a monster but I don't think she wants you anymore. She's talking about being friends.

[TheSpoon2Big]

We have been doing the "friends" thing all week now... working together has not been all terrible. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and self improvement and making moves to better my life... and she sees it. I thanked her for bringing a lot of issues to the table so I can address them and I appreciate what has happened. I told her I gratefully accept her friendship if that is all that she can offer, but I wanted her to also know that I yearn for more of her. I told her I am fine, and I will be fine (though a little empty...) if she decides to go on without me. I told her I would much rather prefer to go together.

 

We hung out a few times... went to the gym after work. Went to see a movie... we text all day. Long story short but we actually ended up sleeping together last night.... big mistake. I feel really horrible about it. She told me this morning she feels bad and weird about it. Even right afterwards, she didn't really want to touch me it seemed like. I am very upset with myself because just when I felt like we might have been getting somewhere, I went and ruined it. I know it takes two to tango and I am not entirely at fault and I'm sorry she is partially upset with herself too, but I feel like I should have been the one to have more self-control. I don't know.

 

Now things are very complicated... she told me today that she doesn't even recognize who I really am anymore because of this "new me" that she is seeing. I told her I am still the same person but I am emptying my emotional crap trashcan, if you will. She said the "being friends" thing isn't working out and it's best if we keep our distance for now...

 

I don't know what to say now. Or how to comfort her or make this situation any better. I want to get it back to where we were before all this happened last night. She is not talking to me now at all... and here goes another week together at work tomorrow I don't know how to show her the positive side of me without her getting confused and unsure of "who I really am" now because she is not used to seeing me in this light. How can me being a better person and more mature about the things I need to work on for her and I to work or for ANY relationship to work for me make things worse?!?!

[squirl]

Maybe it's her and not you? If you get better without her maybe that hurts her or causes some resentment?

 

It can be painful to improve when your friends aren't. She has some issues too.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Maybe it's her and not you? If you get better without her maybe that hurts her or causes some resentment?

 

It can be painful to improve when your friends aren't. She has some issues too.

 

Yea in the past she has been pretty mean and/or distant sometimes but then immediately feels bad and swings the other direction and is very nice and genuine. She says she doesn't know why but that maybe she likes to hurt people sometimes. She has hurt me a lot of times but then again I am super sensitive and "needy" and I don't like that part about myself. I am trying to get back to how strong and confident I was when we first met. She says that is what attracted her to me. So now that I am trying to be strong in this horrible storm of pain of her breaking up with me and now working together, etc, I am confusing?

 

I know we should not have slept together last night. I don't know what to say or what to do now. We both regretted it. It was a mistake. But it made things worse of course and now she won't talk to me at all.