A question for everyone

[ayekasong]

Hello again everyone. This time I'd like to ask your opinion on a question regarding my sister. This morning, she sent me a message saying she had news from her boyfriend that she was concerned about.

 

To make this less confusing, I'll use fake names. My sister ("Carla") got a call from her boyfriend ("Aaron") and he needed to talk to her about something. Apparently one of Aaron's ex-girlfriends ("Barbara") is living with her boyfriend ("Dan"). Dan is going off to bootcamp. Right now, Dan pays for the rent. However, when Dan leaves for bootcamp, Barbara will have nowhere to stay. Aaron's father suggested that Barbara come live with them while Dan is away at bootcamp. If that was too confusing to follow, my sister's boyfriend might have his ex move in with him. My sister is, rightly so, extremely uncomfortable with this. I have no idea how Dan feels about this, but I would guess he's not cool with the idea.

 

My sister asked me what she should do. I told her that if she had made her feelings clear, there was nothing more she could do. Since she is away at college, she really has no choice in the matter. I personally find it a bit hard to believe that Barbara has no other friends or family she could stay with... my sister heard that you get a monthly salary in the (US) military, so she doesn't understand why Dan can't send money home to pay for the rent.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions for my sister? I thought I could use some other opinions on this situation. Thanks for reading.

[arwen]

That's a hard one. However, there is a thing that Aaron does right in this, as he immediately informed your sister. I understand it's difficult to trust this. I know I would freak out. If I were your sister, I would first calm down, write some things down about how I feel, and then call the boyfriend.

 

Obviously she's not ok with this, and she doesn't want to express too much distrust. Maybe she can ask the questions she has the following way:

 

* 'I trust you, but still I find this difficult. She is your ex, and the thought of it makes me nervous, isn't there another possibility?'

 

On the other side, she can play totally cool, and act as if she doesn't care. Because there is no real reason not to trust her boyfriend, as far as I can judge. I have a non-serious ex who I hang out with a lot. He is from another town and he would be welcome to stay in my house if it were necessary. I would never betray my boyfriend, and I would tell him about it. Plus I would ask if he was ok with that.

 

Pfff. Hard one!

 

Ilse.

[ayekasong]

Thank you for your input ilse. You have a good point in that he told her right away. As far as I know, he has not given her a reason to distrust him, but as I have been removed from the situation for over two months, I don't completely know all the details. However, I do think she would have told me if he did.

 

She did bring up something in her message to me earlier... her ex-boyfriend gave her a lot of reasons not to trust him, and now he is engaged to a girl he swore up and down he didn't care about. She is scared that Barbara moving in with Aaron will mess up thier relationship, and she wouldn't be comfortable visiting his house while she's living in it. Actually, I don't know if Carla has even met Barbara, I will ask her that.

[arwen]

Oh, it's not that I don't understand her feelings. Pretty much everyone has that one relationship that messed them up on some points... I know that my flows of distrusts (well, you remember, right? because of my past.

 

How often does she see Aaron? Is she in LDR because of college?

 

Ilse.

[mahlina]

Hi Ayekasong,

 

That's a tough situation. First of all, it could be that the ex just see's Aaron as a brother. That's how I see one of my ex's. However, I would not impose on him by asking to move in with him, if he did have a girlfriend. I can understand for Barbara, but, her moving in, just sounds like trouble. If I were Barbara, I would at least try to understand your sister's point of view, and not even move in. I would try to put myself in her shoes, and at least try to sympathize with her. This is a matter of respecting boundaries, so I would hope that Barbara would understand.

 

On the other hand, I agree. I think that Barbara probably has enough friends to the point where Aaron shouldn't have to be her last resort. I don't know. Something just doesn't sound right. I hope that Aaron understands your sister's position too. If I were Aaron, I'd put my girlfriend first, before 'the ex'. Your sister should be #1, and his ex should be #2. So, his decisions should also include how she feels. I hope this helps.-Mahlina

[ayekasong]

Thanks for all of your help everyone, I'm going to talk to my sister again and see how the situation is.

[Mermaid]

 

 

You guys are far more diplomatic than I would be in this situation. My first reaction, had I been your sister, would've been, "No *bleeping* way!!!"