Is this a rebound?

[notlikethat]

So I started dating this great girl that I knew vaguely from a college class last year. We'd had a couple of convos in our class and seemed to get along. I really wanted to ask her out. Anyway, a little time goes by and about a month ago, she adds me on Facebook.

 

We start talking a lot of there and have a number of late night chats, really in depth talking about our shared passions and we have loads in common! I asked her out and we went for coffee one day, then on a separate date we went for drinks and a film. By our second meeting, we were having sex. The sex has been hot and heavy and pretty wild. We are now meeting up all the time and everything seems to be going great. I'm falling for her big time!

 

Until I find out about a week ago that she's only just come out of a relationship. Infact, it's hard to say exactly how soon she's come out of it, but from what she's said it was only about a week since she broke up with him that we started seeing each other! Her relationship with the ex was a fairly long one (she said 3 years), it was quite a messy ending and they've broken up twice before (and got back together).

 

She's very sexually forward and pretty wild, lots of dirty talk on FB too. She's said that she sees us as soulmates and that we were "destined to meet each other." I'm falling for her like crazy and think the same way. Had kinda given up on love (I'm a bit older than her and she's mid 30s).

 

So I'm concerned that I'm the rebound here. She's mentioned him a few times (not by name), but felt the need to tell me that he'd been contacting her to try and get back together. She assures me she's over him and that it was his "actions and responses" that caused the breakup in the first place.

 

Very unsure here, guys. I know they aren't seeing each other, and she seems convinced she's over him, but can she be this soon!? Can women really move on from a serious 3 year relationship this fast!?

[Not a rookie]

Yes you are the rebound guy.

[notlikethat]

Well she mentioned soul mates first, but I agreed. We are literally spending as much time with each other as we can, getting to know each other and discovering what we've missed in each other's lives all this time.

 

It's been a mixture of VERY lovey dovey stuff (from both ends), combined with lots of dirty sex talk aswell. The dirty sex talk is mostly instigated by her, as I'm not super comfortable with that, tbh.

 

She says she really wants to make this work. She says things like, "it's early days, but I've never felt so comfortable with someone as you. This is unlike any relationship I've ever been in and better. You are special to me. thanks for being you."

 

I've never known any relationship escalate this fast. We are not young people, bare in mind. We both have kids and have talked about meeting the kids already. I'm worried that kids might not get on, though.

 

She's said that she doesn't see this as a rebound. She left him. I felt like it was a rebound when she mentioned how short time ago her breakup was, and I stupidly asked her if she was going to breakup with me!

 

I know I've been a bit needy, but she seems cool with it, and I've honestly never felt this way before. Not this quick, anyway. I'm divorced, so don't want to be hurt again. Hence why I'm asking here.

 

Another thing, she's not very into holding hands and kissing (PDAs and stuff), but seems to like it when I do it.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Well, yeah the soulmate thing, and having sex on your second date, that's kind of textbook rebound. She thinks you're perfect - for now - because that's what her mind wants you to be. Eventually she'll start to notice little things where you don't match up. Next, your cute quirks will become painfully annoying. Finally, she'll be wondering why she jumped into this thing with you. Yes, rebounds happen even if she left him and had been emotionally unattached for months before the actual breakup. Sorry.

 

Okay, you might be one of the lucky ones that goes the distance. But if I were you, I'd do my best to slow this thing WAY down. If you can do that, it won't hurt as much when it's over.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would say that she is rather deceitful, lining you up first, turning on the charm and only after she has you hooked, says "oh, by the way, a week before we started talking my ex broke up with me". The person you are "falling in love with" is a fantasy person..the image she wants you to see of hot sex and sweet nothings...in the meantime her character is dishonest and needy. Not a good bet for a relationship. I would end this sooner rather than later because she is using you to ease the pain of her break up.

[notlikethat]

I would say that she is rather deceitful, lining you up first, turning on the charm and only after she has you hooked, says "oh, by the way, a week before we started talking my ex broke up with me". The person you are "falling in love with" is a fantasy person..the image she wants you to see of hot sex and sweet nothings...in the meantime her character is dishonest and needy. Not a good bet for a relationship. I would end this sooner rather than later because she is using you to ease the pain of her break up.

 

Thanks for the comments. But she was the one who broke up with him.

[notlikethat]

Still, maybe this IS a one in a million sort of relationship. Almost love at first site. Maybe it's unlikely, but can never be counted out.

 

She's very sexual, especially in the bedroom. I'm not sure I'm as well versed to the kind of variety she's used to. She's almost dominant in that way, and I'm worried that I'm compared to the ex.

 

There are also little things. She doesn't ever really bring him up directly, but she'll say things about like a TV show she used to watch but now can't. It seems to me that this is a "fill the hole left by the ex" thing. But I jump into that hole without thinking - I'll get that show/film/series for you!

 

She says she's completely over him. That she broke it off and that they've broken up twice before that (I think one was her ex breaking it off and one was her breaking it off). She says they just don't work together. That the last breakup was over a serious argument they had and his rudeness and disrespect. She doesn't talk about him much. It's not like they're still in contact now. They had some messages back and forth (basically him wanting to get back together with her) and she said he'd been quite rude and nasty in the messages). When I said I was worried about him, she said it's all about US now and she wants to make it work.

 

She says other things like about how she's never been so comfortable or secure with anyone - I used to be a bit of a hard dude in my day! We seem to have hit it off so fast and just really became one with each other from the first date. Never experienced anything like this.

 

She is also REALLY interested in basically everything I'm interested in (even things that I wouldn't expect girls to be into). Not to mention SUPER giving and generous - with cooking and the bedroom department. I've never known a girl like this and I'm really falling for her.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Okay, you should read up a bit on rebound relationships. Rebounds are insidious. Your mind simply plays tricks on you.

 

So she's been in a relationship for 3 years. Relationships, even bad or mediocre ones, can be really nice in certain ways. There's companionship and support. There's always someone to sooth you after a bad day. There's a partner to share the cooking and cleaning and going to the grocery store and doing the laundry. There's always someone to go to the movies with, or dinner on Saturday night. There's sex. All good stuff. Stuff you can get REALLY used to. But now, say it's suddenly gone. Your mind misses all these benefits. But, rather than process the absence and reground yourself as a single, happy, whole person, you want it back - NOW!

 

You come along. Hum, look at him! He's nice, he's cute - and her mind fills in the blanks. The relationship proceeds at lightning speed because, well, she's not starting a new relationship with you - she's jumping back into her old relationship with a surrogate partner. Surely YOU won't have the bad traits that her ex had - those unfortunate incompatibilities that made her leave him. This is the guy! This is the one! Unfortunately, you really don't even know each other, and anything her mind sees as an incompatibility is quickly ignored or explained away in the spirit of BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP.

 

I'm not saying this makes anyone a bad person, it just means someone needs to take the time to heal. And that's why she is very likely to wake up one day and wonder who you are and what she's doing in a relationship with you. Sorry, but one in a million odds of this working out is probably about right.

[notlikethat]

You come along. Hum, look at him! He's nice, he's cute - and her mind fills in the blanks. The relationship proceeds at lightning speed because, well, she's not starting a new relationship with you - she's jumping back into her old relationship with a surrogate partner. Surely YOU won't have the bad traits that her ex had - those unfortunate incompatibilities that made her leave him. This is the guy! This is the one! Unfortunately, you really don't even know each other, and anything her mind sees as an incompatibility is quickly ignored or explained away in the spirit of BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP.

 

Okay. So if it's the worst case scenario and this IS a rebound relationship...well, how long do I realistically have before a breakup? Will she go back to her ex?

[notlikethat]

A few other things: we have plans on V-Day and she said she already brought gifts a while back for me. That's pretty cool.

 

She is constantly planning things for us to do. Like, "I'm going to do this for you, "We're going to go there" "Do you want to do this on..." Lots of future events we have planned. I thought that was a pretty good sign, but maybe not?

 

If this is a rebound realtionship, why would she be rebounding?

 

To prove to herself (or her ex!?) that she can be in another realtionship?

 

To prove to herself that she HAS to move on? Afterall, she has broken up with her ex twice before and they have got back together.

 

Or to get over the hurt of the relationship?

 

She says she doesn't still have feelings for her ex. She also says she's not hurt and doesn't have hurt from the breakup. She said it was a bit messy, but that was it. I guess all breakups are a bit messy?

[Cherry1010]

If a woman mentions an ex more than 2x (the same ex) then you're a rebound IMO. There may be multiple rebound guys.

 

Being a woman I make an effort not to mention the ex or any ex... Men really really don't want to know anything coming out of your mouth about an ex or the ex or any other man ....that may have been intimate with you.

[notlikethat]

Is this different if a man mentions an ex more than 2x? I think it's pretty much the same for both sexes. I do find it odd.

 

She mentioned different things that I'm sure are related to him, but I can't be sure. Places they've been, etc. But not mentioned him by name. I don't think I'm being compared or anything. She mentioned, when we first started talking, about a breakup she'd had and I figured that was just her way of saying she's single now?

 

I did find it strange that she would randomly bring up that he had been contacting her again (this was recently). She said she was upset about some of the allegatons he was making and so didn't want to appear quiet when she saw me. I thought she was just being upfront expressing the truth, but maybe there are ulterior motives? I guess she didn't HAVE to tell me about their convos and just go on like nothing happened?

[Cherry1010]

I think it's ok for a guy to mention their last ex, like once, or a summary of what happened, but for women it is different....

[Edmund Exley]

There is no hard rule on what is a "rebound". Only she knows where she is emotionally. I would just worry about myself and keep an eye on the warning signs before becomming overly attached. Have fun and it will take care of itself one way or another.

[notlikethat]

You mean she could go back to her ex?

 

Why would she go back to her ex when she says to me she's over him and moved on? I know women don't always tell the truth, but she seems convinced and tells me she wants this to work. After all, they've broken up two times before (albeit got back together again). Still, why go back to this guy? Maybe she's addicted?

 

I often read that you're meant to believe a woman's actions, not her words. Well she's saying she's done with him and she's with me not him. So there are actions and words.

 

She did tell me that she'd messaged him about a death in his family. But I think that's pretty standard and nothing to worry about?

 

Definitely worried about the ex, but things are going well with me and her.

 

She has told me that her ex seems to think that this has been happening too fast. I don't know how he knows, I think we might have been seen in the city together and word got back to him. Well I don't think it's a drama, but she's saying things like, "It's nothing I can't handle, but I just wanted to tell you what';s going on with him because I don't want to come accross on edge tomorrow and ruin our day. I'm just a bit pissed off for being accused of things I haven't done, so if I come off as quiet or emotional tonight that's why."

 

Clearly she's still got issues and feelings going on for this guy? Am I right?

 

She also said: "I know that I can be a little emotional sometimes and a little closed off sometimes. You make me feel great and so special. I know you're more into showing emotion than I am, but I really want to make this work."

 

Is this normal after 2 weeks of seeing each other?

[oldenoughtoknow]

As I tried to explain, a rebound isn't about the ex and it isn't about the victim. It's all about the person rebounding. They don't take the time to heal. They jump fast and hard into a new relationship, because they miss being in a relationship. That's it.

 

It's not because she wants her ex back. It's not because you're so perfect. It's because she desperately wants to be a couple again, and you were the first reasonable person on her radar. Usually after a few months, she will start to realize that you're not so perfect for her. Then, it depends on how imperfect you are for her, or how stubborn or desperately she wants to be in a relationship, before she has to walk away.

 

Like I said, you might be one of the lucky ones. Unfortunately, that's not the way I'd bet...

[notlikethat]

Thanks.

 

I mean, they've apparently broken up twice, so maybe they ARE done. But I understand 3 years must be a lot of emotions and wounds (maybe?) that aren't easy to get over so soon.

 

She has told me that he has tried to come back to her since their breakup, and she told him no they can't be together. Apparently, the breakup happened when she thought he had broken up with her. She considered that him breaking up with her. He then tried to mend things, but she told him where to go. So technically she's the dumper? Dumpers don't normally go back to the dumpee, right?

 

I don't think she's that angry with him, but who knows. She is generally calm and serene, chilled out girl. She is always helping people with their problems and is extremely generous and giving of her time and self. She's not your typical drama queen or high maintenance that's for sure!

[notlikethat]

Not saying I can't live without her or anything. It's just that it's come on so fast and, like I say, I've never known anything escalate this fast. Seeing each other's kids within 2 weeks - is that normal?

 

What about her marriage of 10 years? This is the ex before the ex I'm talking about here. She was married for a long time (and in a relationship for a long while before they got married). Can one of these BPDs be able to stay in a marriage that long? If they're all as crazy as they seem from what you guys are saying in this thread, how come she was able to stay in a marriage for that long?

 

I have to say that she has mentioned numerous breakups from that relationship (the marriage). Not sure whether they broke up WHEN they were married, but they definitely broke up a number of times (just piecing together different stories that she's said). But, yeah, multiple breakups and getting back together.

 

I'm worried that this most recent ex is another situation like above? Maybe those sort of guys can better deal with this sort of girl?

[notlikethat]

Update: We spent long periods of the day together today. We're talking about the V-Day plans. Everything seems to be progressing well. I've decided to do some volunteering at her place of work - she pushed for this, too.

 

You're right that I don't know that much about the ex, but I do know a bit. I really don't think it's like you suggest - that I'm being drip-fed info and that he knows everything. They have mutual friends, so it wouldn't be hard for him to find out details of what's going on. Plus, it's a small city, so easily seen and news travels fast.

 

I know that he's considerably younger than me (I'm older than her, too). I get the impression they wanted different things in life, at this stage of their lives. At the end of the day, she's with me and not with him. She had a chance to go back to him (he wanted her to), but she turned him away. She says it's over between them.

 

Well all along she's said it's over between them and she's moved on. But, in reading around, I see so many examples of women saying that and not meaning it. So many cases of women saying one thing and meaning another.

 

One of my biggest fears is that if I break things off, she'll just jump back to the ex anyway!! She's already mentioned him in conversation.

 

I think I'm just worried about the ex as he's come up in convo, and I've been hurt before. Not to mention the fact that they've broken up before and got back together. I also have read that exes get back together quite a lot.