Trouble with long-time female friend

[Guitarguy_82]

Hi guys,

 

Good to see you all again. Been having some issues with my female friend and I need your help.

 

We've known each other for almost 5 years. Started off as co-workers...briefly dated...remained friends...have been pretty close. She is Mexican and Catholic and is extremely sensitive/thick-headed about her views. She is a selfish person who loves having her ego stroked (usually by me) and loves having things go "her way" because that's how she plays.

 

I've put up with this for this long and I think I've finally woken up and realized that I don't need this type of "friend" in my life anymore. She usually dismisses any time I make known my feelings or if I'm having a rough week or if I'm not interested in being social. Basically through the years our relationship consisted of going out on weekends, catching drinks and a movie, and maybe a few kisses at the end of the night.

 

She would text periodically throughout the day just to tell me what she was doing, not really concerned about how my day was going. She threw around "I love you" and a lot of talk about how much she cared about me, yet her actions speak otherwise. As I mentioned she is extremely religious and buries herself in church work/volunteering, but she is truly just a selfish child.

 

Whenever we fight 99% of the time it ends with me apologizing, even if I wasn't really at fault. Total crap.

 

Oh also, I moved away from our home state a few months ago and now live 3 states away.

 

Anyway, back to today,

 

The other day I was finishing up an extremely hard week from work....things were just not going my way..

 

So its getting near midnight and she's ready for her nightly "attention" fix....which of course she comes to me. Basically this game involves her demanding that I tell her how much I miss her and how much she means to me (obvious ego stroking) which I played along with for the first year or so and now is basically me just filling her ears with bull**** to get her off my back. I truly dread wasting my precious free time in the evenings talking to such an abhorrent person.

 

Anyway we got into a conversation (just a normal conversation still at this point) and the subject of raising kids came up. I am looking forward to being a father and think I would be an excellent father....she however thought it would be funny to joke that I would be some doormat of a dad and be so "free and easy" that my kids would turn out to be bad.

 

Basically this pissed me off...I started to confront her and tell her that those were funny opinions of hers, but they were wrong. Basically I was trying to "agree to disagree" but from her perspective, I was being somehow confrontational and "out of line" for daring to have the audacity to stand up to her and tell her that her opinion of me was wrong.

 

In retrospect, yes I probably could have joked it away, but I had a bad week, things were just not going my way, and then all of a sudden I have my supposed "friend" of 5 years telling me I'd be a bad dad in the future??

 

We ended the conversation and I went to bed upset. I text her the next morning apologizing and tried to explain my situation. I lost my cool and I didn't want her to be mad....

She replies with saying that she did not want to talk to me.

 

I leave it alone, go about my day with my friends (who actually live here and aren't selfish children) and feel good about not talking to her.

 

Then she texts me that night and says: "K I'm done being mad....But I don't like what happened last night...so if you are going to be in that type of mood then don't talk to me. It's not a fair game you play"

 

WHAT THE HELL

 

Basically I'm ready to explode at this point. I have said nothing as of yet, but I'm prepared to end things once and for all. How dare she give me an ultimatum! How dare she tell me she's "done" being mad? What about if I'm still mad? What if I don't want to talk just yet because I'm still processing everything?

 

She could care less what my thought process is. To her, I'm basically the "Friend that always makes me feel better and if he has feelings for me, oh well."

 

I really don't know how to approach this.

 

In several scenarios I can say "Frack off" (using the actual F word obviously), or "I don't want to talk to you anymore you selfish *****" or a slew of other things.

 

For now I am saying nothing.

 

Basically I don't need her in my life anymore. I don't see a future with her, and as a friend she's atrocious. Not that I'm some great friend with plenty to go around, I'm very much a "loner" and have a hard time keeping friends.

 

I realize that I have to put in some effort and dedication in order to make a friendship (as well as any relationship) work, but in this case I'm not sure I even care anymore. I will miss her voice and making her laugh, but I'm done with this sucking of life energy that drains me every single time I talk to her....I'm just done....

 

Please give me some insight folks....I need this poison out of my life....and its going to hurt. I've always had strong feelings for this girl, but I think its time I step away. Its taking all of my energy not to explode at her and call her out for being a bad christian and telling her what a sack of BS she is....

[becomingkate]

I agree that you should let her go. She doesn't consider your feelings and she's probably using you, expecially if you pay when you go out.

 

You could tell her why, but I'm sure she'll know why anyway ...

[Guitarguy_82]

thanks, becomingkate, honestly its been forever since we've "gone out"...and there were times where she paid too...it wasn't just me taking her out.. we would just go out as friends...anyway that's not the main point. Yes I need to remove her from my life...I just don't know the best way. Explode and make her feel like crap? Call her and try to be logical (which will probably never work with her). Ignore her? Send her a flurry of texts? I want to walk away but I also want her to sting a little bit.....

[becomingkate]

Well, she hurt your feelings when you were speaking to her about children and being a father, and that convo seems to have been the straw that broke the camels back. You could bring it up, but unfortunately I doubt that you'll hurt her as much as she's hurt you, expecially if your feelings are stronger than hers.

 

But at least you'll be free and no longer hanging onto someone who will never be more than a friend (and not even a good friend.)

[Guitarguy_82]

I'm just so emotionally drained I don't even know what to say anymore. There's been big fights before where I called her out for being a bad christian and not knowing what it means to be in love (long time ago) and she got upset but then called me back crying and begging me not to be mad at her....I know she likes to have me around just so that she knows there's a backup male in her life stroking her ego when she needs it. I don't want to lose her as a friend but yeah...I don't need friends like that anymore. I don't need the headaches of stepping on eggshells to make sure I don't say the wrong thing, while keeping her "happy". I realize I'm somewhat the fool for keeping it up for so long..but living out here and meeting other people has shown me that I have a choice of accepting certain people in my life...and I don't think there's a place for her anymore. On the other hand I'm the type of person that when I go back to our home state all I will do is think of things she and I used to do and places we used to go....

[becomingkate]

There's nothing wrong with having good memories of her.

 

I grew up with a girl named Lisa, and when she became a teenager she changed a lot. Later on, after moving in with and having kids with an older man, she changed even more! But we stayed friends. We went out partying, although she often picked up strange men and asked me to keep it quiet. She actually stole money from my bank account one night when we were out and she'd gotten ahold of my debit card! The final straw was when she arrived at my wedding dinner, over 90 minutes late and drunk with her other partying friends in tow. I made them sit at another table and she never forgave me.

 

I'm glad that we're not friends anymore but I do miss that sweet little girl that she once was. Even though she changed, I'll always remember those days when we were innocent and life was all ahead of us.

 

You can let your friend go for now...maybe one day she'll change, but if she doesn't, at least you'll have made a stand about how you want to be treated.

[Guitarguy_82]

Good story! Indeed, people change, and sometimes for the worst. I'm just trying to be a happy person for once. I'm living in a state with no family and a mediocre job and trying to make friends where I can... The prospect of going home is starting to blur a bit....so I might as well be happy while I'm out here.

 

I want to tell her that she's a bad person, egotistical, selfish, and uses the shroud of church to make herself feel better about how lousy she is as a person....

 

I want to be as calm about this as possible. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of being angry. I want to throw her away like yesterday's garbage. Am I out of line here?

[becomingkate]

My mom would say "be the bigger person" and I agree with that usually. But I think you have some things to say, and I don't think it's out of line to say them.

[Guitarguy_82]

Here's my response....let the critiques and comments begin. I have not sent this to her yet.

 

"" I don't like fighting either. Especially when you missed my point entirely. In light of this, it wont be so easy to dismiss. I don't care if you are "done" being mad, in fact it is quite amusing that you had to have a temper tantrum to make yourself feel better. I believe I have a better solution, we go our own ways. You focus on being a great "Christian", and I'll go back to enjoying meaningful friendships with adults who actually take my feelings into consideration before pretending everything is ok. In the meantime, I suggest you find someone else to stroke your ego when I'm not around. ""

[pl3asehelp]

When you briefly dated, the friendship ended and the long courtship dance has been going on ever since, hence all this complexity and feelings and behavior that doesn't happen between friends. In the future, I'd make a clean break from people you date if it doesn't work out - this, predictably, is almost always the result.

[Guitarguy_82]

Thanks pl3asehelp...and becomingkate...and anyone else who read this. I'm going to send that final text, then block her number/texts/FB...all that stuff. I think I'm ready to be done.

[Guitarguy_82]

So, its about 24 hours later. I sent the "text of death" and..well...yeah now I'm not feeling so great about that. Had a long talk with my other female friend, and my sister, and the consensus is that I needed to remove her from my life but I probably should have given her a chance to react or at least see if she would apologize.

 

At this point I doubt she will ever apologize. It was such a blind-rage type moment that its hard to believe I even did that. I essentially removed this person from my life with a few clicks and buttons. Gone. Poof. No words exchanged. Just seems unnatural.

 

I would have rather I went about this some other way. I believe I was just so off put that day that I had to react somehow and I chose the easy path of exploding and then going into hiding. Not good.

 

I have unblocked her number, unblocked her FB (still unfriended), and now....I don't know.

 

I would like to apologize (again?) to her for exploding via text like that....but if I go back to her in this state she will definitely not talk to me (i'm assuming).

 

Large picture tradeoff is this:

Have her in my life (assuming she takes me back) and try to be friends somehow.

or

Keep her out and go about my business while having a sinking feeling of just e-killing someone I've known for 5 years.

 

Today I've just been numb. Buried myself in work. Cant even enjoy normal things in my day. No clue what to do here.

[Guitarguy_82]

I forgot what a great relief it is to write things down. After speaking with my parents (who always have great little quotes and insights) I feel a bit more stable....and then I wrote down a few thoughts.

 

Yes I acted harshly when I basically shut this person out of my life, but it was me putting my verbal foot down. I should have went about it a different way though.

 

Maybe in a few days I will call her and try and have a civil discussion. If not, I'll leave a voicemail. Basically I just want to convey that I deeply regret those hurtful words, but I meant the other words about being hurt and that she was not being a good friend at that time.

 

Hopefully she will see that I was acting in a blind-rage and was not the same person. I was totally out of line. If she accepts it, wonderful, if not, at least I made it known that I didn't want to end things on such a nasty note.

 

Does anyone agree with this or am I talking out of my ass?