Told friend of illness; friend cancels plans with me

[B733]

Long time reader; first time poster.

 

Here's the situation. I was diagnosed with a long-term debilitating illness a few weeks ago. I was very moody back then and some of it rubbed off onto my friend. He didn't know about it and got annoyed with me. I wasn't intending on telling him, but relented so that he understands why I was moody for the past few weeks.

 

He was shocked and told me that we should meet up to discuss it. Once or twice, we couldn't meet as I had work. But we finally locked-in a date for us to discuss this. A few days ago, he texted me, saying he couldn't do that date. I thought that it was work or family commitments. However, it wasn't. He told me that he wanted to attend a friend's birthday party.

 

Am I right to feel let down by my friend who has told me that he loves me and cares a lot about me? Although this sounds selfish, I did not realise that a friend's birthday was more important than the health of another.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Is he a boyfriend or a platonic friend? Did he reschedule the date or did he just say he couldn't make it and left it at that?

[agent1607307371]

Well, a birthday comes once a year, and this discussion with you won't affect your health... ~devil's advocate~

 

Do you usually hang out?

[B733]

Well, a birthday comes once a year, and this discussion with you won't affect your health... ~devil's advocate~

 

Do you usually hang out?

 

To be honest, I've been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He wanted a discussion about this several weeks ago, but kept telling me that he was busy.

 

We do hang out, but we haven't done so for about two months. Meanwhile, he'd usually hang out with the birthday kid once a week.

[B733]

Is he a boyfriend or a platonic friend? Did he reschedule the date or did he just say he couldn't make it and left it at that?

 

I'd say platonic friend for the meantime. He did try and reschedule, but he knew that I was busy all week with work, and that I had other family issues to deal with that I could only make it on certain days. Eventually, he just left it at that and I'm assuming that we'll still be seeing each other on this particular date. Though, I'm wondering whether I have a right to be upset - the fact that he's prioritised a birthday over something that was meant to be discussed long ago.

[pippy longstocking]

At first I was going to say I was with agent here and with kindness...it was a birthday ..

 

however ..

 

I am so so sorry this is terminal , and please , if you need to talk about this , we are all here for you xxxx

 

this must of made you feel dreadful and quite anxious to tell him the full story ....so , yes I think he should have made some time for this ...for you xx

 

I wish you love xxx

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Who is the birthday kid...is it his child? He is with this person once a week so it sounds like this kid is very close with him. Your posts are very vague and are telling the story piecemeal so it is hard to judge whether or not he is being uncaring. Both of you have tried to meet up and sometimes your schedule conflicts and sometimes his schedule conflicts. It sounds like he has been making an effort. It is dreadful being diagnosed with a terminal illness and the shock and fear can skew a person's perceptions about the actions of others when they really don't mean to be uncaring. If this child is close with him then he probably felt an obligation to be part of that celebration.. it is not that he doesn't care about you.

[B733]

Who is the birthday kid...is it his child? He is with this person once a week so it sounds like this kid is very close with him. Your posts are very vague and are telling the story piecemeal so it is hard to judge whether or not he is being uncaring. Both of you have tried to meet up and sometimes your schedule conflicts and sometimes his schedule conflicts. It sounds like he has been making an effort. It is dreadful being diagnosed with a terminal illness and the shock and fear can skew a person's perceptions about the actions of others when they really don't mean to be uncaring. If this child is close with him then he probably felt an obligation to be part of that celebration.. it is not that he doesn't care about you.

 

The birthday kid isn't his child; rather, it's his school friend. My friend in question is 21 years of age.

 

Well, basically, this is what had happened:

 

I was in Thailand when I was hit by a car. I was in hospital and my friend learnt of this by SMS. THe accident was minor, but it triggered severe pain with my existing illness. I wasn't emotionally fit to discuss with him the extent of my injuries as he did not know of my terminal illness. I returned home and almost immediately after I had healed, I had surgery done to remove the tumour (which, otherwise, would decrease my lifespan to 1 year). I was recovering for a while. This friend, whom I will call H, got annoyed at me for not texting him when I was fit to because he was worried. I apologised profusely, and wanted to see him in person to catch up after 1.5 months' of distance.

 

He ignored me. He didn't return my messages, nor did he bother with me on Facebook. It has since been 4 weeks since he got annoyed at me for not texting him. I felt guilty, so I decided to tell him the true events - that I was actually in surgery due to a terminal illness. This was all done via email. He was shocked and in disbelief. He said that we should organise a date to talk about this. He also apologised for overreacting to me not sending him a text message. He said that he thought that I wanted to break him off of the friendship. I felt really bad and wanted to discuss with him the true extent of my illness so that he had an idea of what was going on.

 

However, I got really emotional and snapped. I told him by SMS that I've tried to organise so many dates where we could come together to discuss what happened in Thailand. I said that he was a lousy friend, and that I gave up on him. I know that this was a bad move, and I apologised to him.

 

Later that week, I was admitted into hospital because the pain associated with my illness was unbearable. Turned out that my illness was starting to develop into its advanced stages. I texted him whilst in hospital telling him that if this were to be my last message, I wanted him to know that I have no hard feelings. At that time, he texted me saying that we should let each other go, and that we can't continue as friends. I was horrified and I profusely apologised for the offending text message that I had sent. In the end, he said that he loved me, and that he was behind me 100%.

 

We had a phone conversation and tried to organise a date in which we could come together and just get everything out on the table regarding the whole series of events leading from Thailand. Initially, it was meant to be Monday. We also locked in Friday as I thought that maybe we could have our chat on one day before doing something enjoyable the next time we met up. The next day, he said that he couldn't do Monday as he needed to help his family move house. Fair enough. It also turned out that I had to cancel Monday as I had a family emergency that I had to attend to. However, he then told me that he couldn't do Friday because he had mixed-up his dates regarding his friend's birthday party. He wanted to do Monday instead, and kept persisting. I reminded him that I had a family emergency and couldn't go. He kept pushing for it, saying that it'll be quick and whatnot. I was relentless because my family needed me. Afterwards, he said that the Friday was an honest mistake and that his friend's birthday was planned a month ago. To date, we're still arguing about it because the Friday that I'm referring to is the Friday coming.

 

I just feel as though he's more interested in a birthday party over his friend's health. I mean, he sees this friend on a weekly basis. Just checking Facebook, he saw this friend this evening for a few beers, according to the photo I saw.

[journeynow]

I think you could cut him some slack about the difficulty in scheduling a meeting. I also think you might skip the heavy "talk" you are insisting on, let the past go for now, and suggest to him a get-together for something pleasant, an activity, a meal, something to just be easy friends together, just enjoy each other's company.

 

You've been dealing with difficult times, and understandably you want to have the support of your friends. On the other side, for him it's also difficult, he may not know what to do or how to handle his feelings about your diagnosis. He really did try to meet with you, and he also values his other friendships. It's best not to make a contest out of friendships.

[B733]

I think you could cut him some slack about the difficulty in scheduling a meeting. I also think you might skip the heavy "talk" you are insisting on, let the past go for now, and suggest to him a get-together for something pleasant, an activity, a meal, something to just be easy friends together, just enjoy each other's company.

 

You've been dealing with difficult times, and understandably you want to have the support of your friends. On the other side, for him it's also difficult, he may not know what to do or how to handle his feelings about your diagnosis. He really did try to meet with you, and he also values his other friendships. It's best not to make a contest out of friendships.

 

The thing is that he was the one who suggested that we have a personal talk about this. He wanted clarification. I gave him my available times and he gave me his. Come to think of it, this is actually the first time that we had set a date because all other times, he said that he needed space to think over things.

[B733]

What I am also annoyed about is that this is becoming similar to a previous circumstance. In that situation, I was admitted into emergency. I texted him saying that I was scared. His response was that he was too busy writing notes for his exams.

[journeynow]

I see. It sounds like a scheduling snafu.

 

Physically, how are you feeling these days? I am so sorry for what you're having to go through with this illness.

[Cheetarah]

I can see things from both ends. I can understand why you feel neglected and uncared for.

 

journeynow is making some really good points, here. If someone wanted to have a very heavy, scary talk, and this was the very purpose of our get-together, I would feel very overwhelmed and afraid. I agree to plan a dinner just to enjoy each other.

[journeynow]

Perhaps you need this friendship to be more than he can offer? Do you have other friends you can turn to for support? Or family, when you are needing emotional support?

[B733]

I can see things from both ends. I can understand why you feel neglected and uncared for.

 

journeynow is making some really good points, here. If someone wanted to have a very heavy, scary talk, and this was the very purpose of our get-together, I would feel very overwhelmed and afraid. I agree to plan a dinner just to enjoy each other.

 

The thing is that he wanted to have this talk on Monday. He was ready and willing to have it on that day. However, I said that I wasn't able to do so because I had a family tragedy to deal with. Despite telling him that's have family problems to deal with, he was very insistent that he came and saw me because of the Friday difficulty.

 

I feel as though, to him, it's a chore for him to get over and done with.

[B733]

Perhaps you need this friendship to be more than he can offer? Do you have other friends you can turn to for support? Or family, when you are needing emotional support?

 

Maybe that may be the case.

 

I have a friend who left work early, drove to my house, picked me up, and discussed this at the local park. This was within minutes of my telling him by text that I wasn't feeling well.

[B733]

I see. It sounds like a scheduling snafu.

 

Physically, how are you feeling these days? I am so sorry for what you're having to go through with this illness.

 

Basically, I have a few years left... I'd rather not talk about that, sorry.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me like this is a giant misunderstanding. I understand you are ill and scared, but you are also at fault for this because of your lack of communication and not giving the whole story to him then getting bent out of shape and hostile. Although you apologized, it doesn't take the sting away from your words. It sounds like he is indeed trying, but you also need to understand that he has things in his life as well. This is a hard thing for him to deal with as well and from what you wrote, it really does look like he is trying. Sometimes when we are hurting and scared our perceptions can be a bit skewed. I would say cut him some slack and meet up with him...try to be accommodating with your schedule as well. Let the conversation flow naturally.

[pippy longstocking]

Now you have written the full story , I see also , like the others who have posted that it really is a clash of times/schedules.

 

and also I think journey made a very valid point , I wonder too if he can give you what you need from this friendship .

[B733]

It sounds to me like this is a giant misunderstanding. I understand you are ill and scared, but you are also at fault for this because of your lack of communication and not giving the whole story to him then getting bent out of shape and hostile. Although you apologized, it doesn't take the sting away from your words. It sounds like he is indeed trying, but you also need to understand that he has things in his life as well. This is a hard thing for him to deal with as well and from what you wrote, it really does look like he is trying. Sometimes when we are hurting and scared our perceptions can be a bit skewed. I would say cut him some slack and meet up with him...try to be accommodating with your schedule as well. Let the conversation flow naturally.

 

Well, I can't meet up with him because of this clash. The proposed Monday was actually the first in 2 months that we were supposed to meet. During other times, when I suggested meeting, he would say that he's too busy with his other friends. That's fine. However, when you're told that your friend is "busy" time and time again, it does hurt, and it hurts a lot. He's been seeing the birthday friend once or twice a week for the past three months, whereas I've only seen twice before I left for my holidays.

 

I did tell him on the phone that what's missing from this friendship is communication; everything seems to be misinterpreted when we text each other long-winded messages.

 

Now, uni is about to resume and I feel as though the entire holidays has been lost.

[B733]

Now you have written the full story , I see also , like the others who have posted that it really is a clash of times/schedules.

 

and also I think journey made a very valid point , I wonder too if he can give you what you need from this friendship .

 

I don't know; I really don't know. In the past, he's told me that I mean a lot to him. I've had my fair share of run-ins with my health and during the other times that I've been in hospital, he was emotionally supportive. Now, he's just very cold and seems to be more interested in his friend's parties (at least once a week) than me. And I know it sounds selfish, but I wonder whether it is my right, as a friend, to be able to seek support from a buddy.

[pippy longstocking]

I suppose we can't say it's our " right" ...I guess I have never thought about it before ..mainly because in friendships we just expect we will support one another .

 

I wonder if he is frightened of the terminal bit ..

[Capricorn3]

Afterwards, he said that the Friday was an honest mistake and that his friend's birthday was planned a month ago. .

To me it all sounds like an honest mistake and misunderstanding. I also say cut him some slack. These things happen in life and to spend so much time and energy agonizing over who's right and who's wrong is such a waste of time. He's human. You are human. You BOTH made/make mistakes. It happens. Let it go. Re-schedule a new date.

[agent1607307371]

And I know it sounds selfish, but I wonder whether it is my right, as a friend, to be able to seek support from a buddy.

 

I think you have a right to seek it, but not a right to demand it.

 

My main feeling from reading this is that the guy is possibly not as close to you as you thought he was. Do you have other friends?

[B733]

To me it all sounds like an honest mistake and misunderstanding. I also say cut him some slack. These things happen in life and to spend so much time and energy agonizing over who's right and who's wrong is such a waste of time. He's human. You are human. You BOTH made/make mistakes. It happens. Let it go. Re-schedule a new date.

 

I have tried to organise a new date. However, he's still ignoring me. He's ignored me for nearly a month now. Quite frankly, it's really eating me...