Does NC mean ignoring and being cold or just not initiating contact?

[REGUY]

Ex and I broke up two weeks ago, she dumped me. I didn't beg or plead for her back but did have long talks trying to have it see it in different way. She says she really lost in life and doesn't know what to do. ( I've been with her going through some tough times ). We spent the weekend together and had a great time. We saw eachother yesterday and then talked alot last night and this morning... asking me to come over and she misses me etc. I stood my ground and said maybe another night.

 

I may be over-thinking things but I feel like Im slowly being put in the friendzone.

 

I have not texted her all day and she hasn't reached out to me and I want to try NC. Does this mean that i just don't initiate contact or do I ignore if/when she reaches out. Im concerned that if I completely ignore for a while she will just move on and get mad instead of missing me. We left things on good terms for the most part.

[Lambert]

It means NO CONTACT. You don't contact her for any reason..... whether she contacts you or not.

 

Honestly, the point of NC is to help you get over her and to focus on yourself and not get sucked into her drama. But the fastest way to get someone to notice you is to ignore them. She won't get mad at you. Even if she does, who cares, she already dumped you. What can she do that's worse?

 

If you continue to be her friend then you will get friendzoned.

[Shane Falco]

No contact means no contact of any kind.

[REGUY]

It means NO CONTACT. You don't contact her for any reason..... whether she contacts you or not.

 

Honestly, the point of NC is to help you get over her and to focus on yourself and not get sucked into her drama. But the fastest way to get someone to notice you is to ignore them. She won't get mad at you. Even if she does, who cares, she already dumped you. What can she do that's worse?

 

If you continue to be her friend then you will get friendzoned.

 

I don't want to stop talking to her forever. How do you come back from NC to get them back. I understand that NC is to heal, and if that's what happens to me in the mean time that I guess it wasn't meant to be. But if I don't want it to be forever and get her back, how do I go about doing that. Is LC a better idea then? I not arguing because I know I asked for advice, just processing this in my head.

[REGUY]

She just texted me with photos of her clean house and two text on how she had such a great day and thanking me for being there for her. I dont know how to not respond without it coming off being a a** hole or mean. It's so uncomfortable for me. This is the perfect example of trying to figure out what to do in this situation.

[Kristenelaine]

No contact should only be implemented if you want to get over the break up and move on. It is for YOU to heal and get over the lost relationship. If you want nothing to do with her anymore and you want to heal move forward and accept it is over forever, initiate no contact. No contact is for YOU.never to try and manipulate someone into wanting you again

[REGUY]

No contact should only be implemented if you want to get over the break up and move on. It is for YOU to heal and get over the lost relationship. If you want nothing to do with her anymore and you want to heal move forward and accept it is over forever, initiate no contact. No contact is for YOU.never to try and manipulate someone into wanting you again

 

How would you suggest I react in a situation such as mine. I know it's a fine line. Any advice would be great.

[Shane Falco]

How would you suggest I react in a situation such as mine. I know it's a fine line. Any advice would be great.

 

I personally think you need to stop being readily available. Maybe not no contact, but back off a bit. Being there at her beck and call, especially after she broke up with you, does not build attraction. If anything, it does the opposite. It's not being mean, it's getting your head straight. If she doesn't understand this than she really doesn't have much regard for your feelings.

[REGUY]

I personally think you need to stop being readily available. Maybe not no contact, but back off a bit. Being there at her beck and call, especially after she broke up with you, does not build attraction. If anything, it does the opposite. It's not being mean, it's getting your head straight. If she doesn't understand this than she really doesn't have much regard for your feelings.

 

I understand not being at the beck and call. I am starting to make all my responses short and not to eager to talk.

 

Do I

 

1)come out and tell her that we can't be friends because I still have feelings and we should stop talking.

 

2) Become less and less there for her.

 

3) Completely just ignore her and go NC.

[Shane Falco]

I understand not being at the beck and call. I am starting to make all my responses short and not to eager to talk.

 

Do I

 

1)come out and tell her that we can't be friends because I still have feelings and we should stop talking.

 

2) Become less and less there for her.

 

3) Completely just ignore her and go NC.

 

I'm not a fan of No. 1. I hate making a grand production out of NC or LC -- makes it seem like a con to me. I would only do No. 1 if she just refuses to leave you alone and is borderline harassing you. I think either No. 2 or No. 3 is fine. I'm more of a No. 3 guy personally, but maybe weaning her off contacting you via No. 2 would be more comfortable for you.

[rosasnyder811]

No Contact is stupid if you want to get back with your ex. It is a mind game, and if you end up together because of it, you will simply break up again in the future because the new relationship was based on silly games.

If you want her back, stop playing these ridiculous games and keep talking to her.

If you don't want her back, then don't talk to her.

[force]

Man rosa is the official anti-NC on this board. Apparently she's gotten back all her ex's with contact. Anyways, I know how you feel, you don't want to be a jerk but she's making it hard for you to move on. In the back of your mind you will keep hoping that one of her contacts will say I want you back so therefore you will be hooked on your next fix from her. If your uncomfortable doing NC right now then do LC, which means don't answer every text or call and take hours sometimes to reply, mix it up. Reply back within 2 minutes sometimes and others 4-5 hours later or not till the next day or 2 days. What I think this will do is have her start thinking "uh-oh he's starting to move on and get busy, later on he may not even talk to me at all! I better decide what I want with this boy." This makes you look independent and that your life does not revolve around her anymore. After you've mixed it up for awhile, disappear for a couple weeks, not replying to anything at all, this will probably drive her crazy and you'll start to be on her mind alot.

 

I think in your situation you should do the above and ease into NC because she sounds sweet and maybe truly wants you for a friend, but like I said it's not helping you. When I have used NC with my ex that I was still deeply in love with for years post breakup, it always ALMOST got her back. One time she showed up at my door crying, another time resulted in a make-out session after disappearing for 6 mos. another time resulted saying she wanted me back, even though it never happened, I caved in too quick and she lost interest again (figures). Ha.

 

The point is that despite what some posters say about NC, it is very powerful and I can say that from experience. With the ex I played games, LC, tried to make her jealous, acted like I didn't care, acted super happy, make her laugh and you know what? Nothing worked as well as NC to ALMOST get her back. Lol. If your having problems with it now, just ease into it like I said above. When you eventually get over her you can be her true friend, if you want, with no alterior motives You'll know if and when that time has come.

[Kristenelaine]

If you have to use any NC method or any manipulative method, it will never work when or if you get back together. Due to communication break down already being a cause of not being in the same page, manipulating someone to think they care again or do care again just to break up because of the same reasons, really isn't worth it. If someone doesn't want to be with you, they won't be with you. No contact, little contact, or lots of contact won't change a thing. Keep life simple. If you miss someone tell them, if you love someone show them. It's up to you what's best for you. Pretending to not care about someone by NC will show them exactly that, that you don't care. My ex and I have been very little contact since our break up. But I've texted him a few times telling him I care and I am here when he is ready. (See my posts) and we are meeting up Tuesday to talk about things and hang out. I have told him what I want, and he hasn't disagreed. I have no idea what's going to happen Tuesday, but I am going to be completely honest with my feelings and with him, whether he tells me what I want to hear or not. Love doesn't work if its all a bunch of lies.

[bittersweet871]

I agree with Kristine. The idea of NC scares me and I seriously believe the no good relationship can come from it. Being open and upfront about your feelings is the best bet. I do think that LC can be useful in some situations. Everyone needs space at times. That being said, the only time I have ever practiced NC is when I seriously meant a breakup. It's just cleaner that way, and it won't lead anyone on.

[Shane Falco]

I don't consider NC a lie or a con. It's a method of healing yourself that can cause the ex to reconsider. The psychology of NC allows for both and it doesn't mean it's a scam. I know of several relationships than reconciled that were helped by NC, a lot more than by constant communication. But not everyone doing NC is trying to manipulate things. If anything, NC prevents dumpees from being manipulated by dumpers. But NC allows people to reset their emotions instead of doing and saying things they'll regret. It's not nefarious.

[Kristenelaine]

Nobody should use NC to try to get an ex back. If you go NC it's to accept that it is over forever. If you happen to reconnect with an ex down the road, it is by fate alone that does this. If you love them let them go, and if they come back its meant to be. NC that eventually reconnects exs happens all on its own. Going NC in hopes it will bring the ex back is the wrong way to go about it. You get stuck with false hope and over analyzing absolutely everything. You get stuck worrying about their lives and not your own. You end up leading a false life of "if I only look happy and busy and like I'm moving on, they will come running back" when this doesn't happen, you have to start from scratch for real. If they come back, everything you were doing to look like a happy person and what not, was for them, and will stop once you have them back. Leading to the same results of the last break up. NC is to accept its over, heal, feel better, and move on.

[Shane Falco]

If you are doing NC correctly the other person won't even know that you are doing all these cool things, because you will have blocked them from your Facebook/phone/etc. So I'm a little confused by this rant.

[Kristenelaine]

My rant was About if people use NC to try and get their exes back. They don't talk to them but keep them on fb and what not to show off. Whenever I've done NC I have removed that person from my life completely.

[Shane Falco]

My rant was About if people use NC to try and get their exes back. They don't talk to them but keep them on fb and what not to show off. Whenever I've done NC I have removed that person from my life completely.

 

It's not what the point of NC is, but it can have that effect. It's not an either/or thing. There is gray area. I think even if you want an ex back its perfectly reasonable to step back from that person and gather yourself. It's not nefarious, it's not a con, it's not a game. Even when you want to reconcile, NC allows you to get your composure back and prevent you from making an ass out of yourself when you are emotionally fragile and not in the best state of mind. This "NC is evil" stuff is just misplaced. Just because someone is going NC, even if they want their ex back, it doesn't mean they are trying to punish the dumper. It means they are trying to get themselves back into a functional state of mind. It's not black or white. Are there some people who are doing it to punish the dumper? I'm sure there are. But it's lazy and inaccurate to assume that's the motivation of everyone doing it.

[Kristenelaine]

I'm not saying everyone is. You are reading my comments wrong. I said those using it to try to win their exes back. That that is their main focus. They end up more of a mess. I used NC with my ex for 2-3 weeks to figure my stuff out and figure out what I really wanted once my emotions calmed down. No intent of winning him back. So I see what you are saying. I am simply saying those using it specifically to get the ex back doesn't usually work

[Shane Falco]

I'm not saying everyone is. You are reading my comments wrong. I said those using it to try to win their exes back. That that is their main focus. They end up more of a mess. I used NC with my ex for 2-3 weeks to figure my stuff out and figure out what I really wanted once my emotions calmed down. No intent of winning him back. So I see what you are saying. I am simply saying those using it specifically to get the ex back doesn't usually work

 

If you are going NC to gather your emotions and calm down, then you are using it as a tool to get them back because the reason you are doing it is to give yourself the best possible chance at reconciliation. So I guess we are just arguing semantics at this point.

 

And I 100 percent disagree with people using NC to get exes back being more of a mess. If anything, using NC "to get an ex back" can make one realize that they don't really want them back. But not having the dumper in your life is not more painful than having contact and allowing themselves to be pulled around by the dumper with a string. Not in a million years.

[itsallgrand]

NC just means No Contact. It simply is accepting a break up.

 

A lot of people have trouble accepting a break up for what it is. This person is no longer with you. This person is not your partner anymore. This person is not in your life anymore.

 

I happen to think it is very selfish for this girl to dump you and then expect you to be cool with hanging around stroking her ego and making her feel better. She dumped you - so you shouldn't be available to her any more....unless you are a doormat.

 

Look, this doesn't apply if this is a fakey break up. A fight, and you know you are going to be getting back together in a few weeks. It's for the real deal.

 

I think in your case, you took the time to try and get some answers from her, gauge if this is a fake or a real break, and you are ready to accept this as a break up now. In your case, I think I would fade out.....

 

I think of it as the opposite of playing games, and the opposite of being a jerk. It honors someone else's choice - to no longer have you as a partner.

 

It also gives you the chance to see that no matter what you do or don't do, her decision to be with you or not is hers alone. Leave her to it. If she ever truly wants you back, she will find a way to make it happen. At that point, you decide if you are open to that or not. But right after a break up? Not the time to be accessing whether or not it is best to walk back in - - you are emotionally vulnerable. Until you aren't, of course the impulse will be to fall right back into her arms - - even if what she is offering you is s/t.

[Kristenelaine]

I guess you are right. Getting my ex back were not my intentions. Figuring myself out an what I wanted with NC was.