Lesbian romance gone; relationship now over; any hope?

[LilithCave22]

I posted this message last night in the "Strategy for Getting Back Together w/ Your Ex" and it was ignored so I thought I would try starting a new topic in this community to see if anyone could offer any advice or words of wisdom. Thanks for your time!

 

My girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me Halloween night (how appropriate). I'll try to give a brief history so we're all on the same page here. She originally broke up with me in February because we were having a lot of problems and fighting all the time. Eventually when she was out of town, she got the courage to break up with me. After the breakup, we were still living in the same house and we actually communicated about our problems because, guess what, we had nothing to lose now. As we communicated, we both listened to each other and made great strides to fix the problems. Our relationship got stronger and stronger (probably the strongest it had ever been). We went out on dates often (a little wine helps you to open up even more) and took weekend trips to the beach almost every weekend. Things were really going great; she was about to move to start a postdoc in another state. We decided that we would keep working on things after she moved and put the label of "girlfriends" on our relationship. Two months after her move, things were still going great but on Halloween she called me up and broke up with me again. It hurt worse this time since I didn't see it coming AT ALL. I really thought we had worked all are problems out. There was one major problem I didn't know about. Apparently, some where along the way, my gf lost that romantic feeling that is absolutely necessary in a relationship and differentiates your relationship from that of a friend. She felt that when she kissed me, she was kissing a friend… OUCH! I can see why she didn't want to say anything. She feels badly for having kept it to herself for so long and she says that she tried to ignore it because she loves me so much and everything else was going so well. Obviously, that is necessary in a relationship and she has made the right decision.

 

She sends me email every day asking how I am doing. On the phone a few nights ago, she told me she would always think about the possibility of being with me again when she was with other people. I guess that's always the case once you've fallen in love with someone. She did admit that she opened up to me more than she had anyone else in her life and she had never been this close to anyone else.

 

So, my question is, what's the best thing for me to do in this situation? I know this is a very difficult time of the year for her. I want to be her friend but I don't want to push her away. I think, maybe, the no contact thing is the best thing for us at this point. I am not sure if she would ever want to be with me again but I don't want to let go of that possibility. I also don't want to hold on to something that isn't there. My gut feeling right now is that there is so much love there that if I let her go, let her have her space, date other people, and me date other people as well that, it's possible that romantic feeling may come back? Or is it gone forever? Did we jump back into the relationship too soon? Is it possible to start over a third time after a long period of healing and being independent for a while?

 

Thanks for listening!!!

[Cadence308]

Your story is sad. I don't have the best relationship advice since I am the type of person who shies away from relationships, but I'll still tell you what I think!

 

Are you absolutely certain that there's not someone else in your gf's life? It just seems hard for me to believe that everything was so great and you two were rebuilding what was lost in the relationship and then all of a sudden she tells you that kissing you has been like kissing a friend. Maybe there's someone else that she's getting it from and she's getting passion and romance there? Just a thought...

 

From the reading I've done on lesbian relationships, it's not uncommon for 2 women who were lovers in a relationship to break up and then do the "no contact" thing for a while. Because those 2 women who were in a relationship were very close and intimate, sometimes the best thing to do is to give the break-up space because each person needs time to heal. Then it's not uncommon for those 2 women who were lovers to become close friends again. Something like 60% of past lovers become close friends again. It's almost hard not to since you know just about everything there is to know about the other person.

 

So, I think if you are needing your space and you can do the "no contact" thing for a while it is perfectly healthy. Start dating other people or at least befriending new people and put your life back together. Then maybe when you feel like it, you two can become friends again.

 

I hope that I've given you something useful here.

[LilithCave22]

Ballys -

 

thanks for the response. While I can't be entirely certain that there is no one else in her life, I am pretty sure there wasn't at the time of the breakup because she wouldn't have had time for it. However, I do know that she had posted some personal ads online. When I asked her about it, she said she was just looking for new friends in the area (because she had just recently moved). I asked her when she broke up with me if she had any dates planned and she said no but I don't necessarily believe that. She did mention that she wanted to end things because she felt guilty and didn't want to cheat on me.... so, I don't think there was anyone else but I think there may be someone out there that she wanted to try things with.

 

Thanks for your advice. It does help.

[LilithCave22]

I just wanted to give an update on this. I talked to my ex two nights ago. I asked her to be honest with me and if she was dating or thinking of dating anyone else. She first told me no but I could tell she was lying to me (she never was good at lying). She admitted that she had had a date with a girl she had just recently gone hiking with. So she went hiking with this girl one weekend, broke up with me on Sunday (the day she got back from the hiking trip), and had a date with the girl 2 or 3 days after dumping me. She promises nothing happened on the trip but that they did some flirting and the girl had told her she would like to go out for coffee some time. I guess my gf wanted to try things with this new girl and that is why I was dumped.

 

When I mentioned that I was trying to pick up the pieces in my life and was starting to meet other people and may start dating a couple of people, she got really quiet and didn't really want to hear about it. She did mention she thought it would be good for me but she didn't want to hear any details about it.

 

I guess, now, I'm going back to NC for a while and will let her contact me if she wants to. I know this is a hard time for her. Her mom's birthday is coming up -- her mom passed away a few years ago from cancer. I want to call her and make sure she is ok. She never wants to talk about it. I am wondering if I should call, email, or just continue NC?

[Cadence308]

Lilithcave22, your ex sounds really selfish and sounds like she is only thinking of herself. Some of the lesbian books I read talk about "permanence or passion," and that's what we have to decide when choosing to stay with someone we've been with or date someone new. Sounds like she is choosing passion. Honestly, it did sound like she had found someone else when you originally posted. That's why I asked you.

 

Maybe what you need to ask her is if you are totally breaking up or opening the relationship up. I'm not sure if you have discussed that with her. Maybe you aren't okay with that, but sometimes in lesbian relationships that's what partners decide.

 

About calling her for her mom's birthday: that's your choice, but it sounds like right now she doesn't want to talk to you because she's so caught up in her new romance. I think I wouldn't call her and let her miss you!

 

Good luck and keep me posted!

[mgirl]

Why are 'lesbian' relationships any different to regular relationships? I've never read a book! And this 'permanence or passion' thing i have never heard of, nor have i heard of 'merging'! These are all stereotypes perpetuated by some sick and twisted author who just want to sell books i suspect, or some sick and twisted lesbian who has been on the gay scene for way too long. The only thing that lesbian or gay relationships don't contain are kids, and even then that can be surmounted.

 

Whatever happened to individual differences?! Be careful of those generalisations. The best way to learn something is to experience it...

[woodside]

Hello there,I like all the advice that you are giving,i have problem too regarding same female sex relationship.I hope you can have time to e-mail me at

email removed so you can give me advice too.thank you and hoping to hear from you.take care.:sad:

[lukeb]

There can be issues associated with same sex relationships, and many of those revolve around the degrees we live in the closet. This is really a case though where it really does not matter if its a same sex relationship or not. Break ups are well heart breaking, what makes things worse is that neither of you have the courage to make a clean break. I guess since your gf dumped you, she should have been the one to make the clean break. What you are doing is bargaining, seeing what you can salvage out of the relationship. "Lets be friends" is the worst thing you can do right after a break up.

 

Cut off all contact, forever, have a ceremonial burn of all her stuff, hate her, let her go.