He wants a Divorce, I don't, he cheated and I still love him

[BIGHEART15]

sorry, this is going to be pretty long... I appreciate your time reading it and responding to it....

 

My husband and I have been married for around 4 years but lived together for 4 years before we married, so around 8 total. We have 2 kids and expecting our third. We weren’t thrilled to have a third one, since we weren’t planning on it but I continued with my pregnancy. About 4 months ago he started telling me that he might don’t feel love for me like before, that he wasn’t in love with me and the love he felt wasn’t the love you feel for a spouse. I was devastated and confused; I couldn’t understand why out of the blue he said he didn’t love me. He was acting distant for a few months before that but I thought it was because the pregnancy or marital problems that we all go through. A month or so after he told me that, I found out he was cheating on me, it was going on for about 4 months at that time. I was heartbroken, depressed, angry, devastated, etc… I was pregnant and he was cheating. We decided to work things through and give it a second chance, after all, we had 2 kids and 1 more on the way plus I still loved him. I wasn’t able to feel too happy, I was still hurt, I didn’t wanted to have sex with him and when we finally did, I felt numb, I was still angry and cried every now and then. After a month of that I found out that he was still talking to the other woman, so I told him that is was best for us to divorce. He agreed of course, but then I backed out, after all that I still loved him, I didn’t want to let go.

 

 

I did some foolish stuff like crying for days, acted out, and begged him to stay when he was going out. I did all embarrassing things one can do when desperate and loosing what one loves. Few weeks of healing and I felt better, enough to hide my sadness and depression, enough to draw a smile in front of him and joke around even if I was feeling dead inside. We are still living in the same house, and this have made it difficult for me to heal but we are getting along. He helps with the kids and helps me around the house since my pregnancy won’t let me do a lot. We are still married, but not together. It takes a lot of me knowing where he is and act like I’m “cool” about it when he leaves the house to go to her; he goes every other weekend and stays out. I act like I don’t care what he is doing, act like I’m OK and moving on now, I joke with him, cook, clean, etc… We have nice conversations and laugh a lot. Recently we started having sex, but I know it is just that, nothing more. But, for some reason it feels better than ever, but I’m very clear that it is just that, and not because we do it, means that he loves me.

 

 

I asked him how serious was his new relationship and he said “in between”. I don’t understand clearly what does this mean. I have done a lot of reading, when going through something like this, anything seems comforting. I have read about affairs and divorces after that. A lot of people agree on an affair being not real, that the person is not thinking straight and confuses love with lust. But in moments like that I need to let him go, let him go and find out what he is really doing and what he is losing. He is not the same, he is not acting like the man I married, but no matter how hard I try, my love for him is too deep to stop loving him. I don’t want my marriage to end, but I’m not holding on to it if he doesn’t want to. I’m willing to divorce and go on with my life if that is what I have to do, I want him to be happy and not feel trapped, and If I make him feel this way, I rather let him go. I’m just confused if this is just something that is not “real” and later on he will come back to us. What do you think?

[metrogirl]

I think it's a bad idea to have sex with a man that is having unprotected sex with another woman. The baby could be infected with something at birth.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Agree, you shouldn't be doing that, especially if he's still seeing the other woman. For his "in between" answer, I don't think you'll ever find out what it means. The bloom may actually be coming off his new rose, or he may be saying that to ease your pain, even though it will only give you false hope. Cheaters are like that - it's all about them. As far as the marriage, is he willing to go to counseling? If he's willing, that would be a step in the right direction. He has to want to hold on, and agreeing to counseling would make a genuine statement on his part. If he's not willing, you have to find a way to emotionally let him go. I know it won't be an easy path, but you can't save this by yourself.

[annie24]

I think yes, you need to stop having sex with him. And I think you need to ask him to move out. And go to counseling. Right now it doesn't sound like he has much inclination to work on the marriage so is ask him to leave unless he wants to make a go of it.

[Azilynn]

I completely agree with Annie24!

[bulletproof]

I’m just confused if this is just something that is not “real” and later on he will come back to us. What do you think?

 

Does it matter if it's not real? The facts are that you are married, expecting a child, and he's openly seeing someone else. If he is on the fence about whether to be with you or her, I can't imagine that you hanging out waiting for him to decide is going to make him respect you or feel inclined to make a decision.

 

Ask yourself why your love is so deep for someone who clearly isn't treating you or your marriage properly. Why is that okay with you? Think about what you would tell a friend in the same situation.

[Justme3]

You have received some good advice. He is dating another women while married to you. You said you love him so much. Is that why you let him disrespect you? You need to draw some boundaries and tell him to leave or give him an ultimatum. You pretending to be fine and just accepting his disrespect makes you lose your own self respect. And you should really see a therapist for yourself. Get your dignity back at least do it for your children.

[Michelle23]

You need to kick him out. He needs to go and find out what life would be like with the other women. I guarantee you that he will realize within months what a fool he has been and he will be back begging you to let him come home.

 

An affair is a delusion, a fantasy, an escape from reality. He is infatuated by her and he is becoming more emotionally invested in her and less in you. He is trying to re-write history in his mind and pretend that he doesn't love you and the only way he will realize that he does is if he spends more time with her than with you.

 

Personally if I were you, I would never allow him to come home but that is your decision. I think you should get him out of the house. You don't owe him anything. You are pregnant and all this stress is not good for you or the baby. Be selfish, put yourself first and seek counselling. I know how hard this must be for you but you need to be strong now and do what is right for you. Look up the stages of grief after infidelity and realize you will heal faster if he is not there with you.

 

Please do this for yourself. Get your self-respect back and your dignity. He thought the grass was greener and he threw it all away and for what? He will realize this in time believe me but only if you kick him out and let him try to be happy with someone else. I guarantee you he will end up miserable and he will be on his knees begging you to forgive him and then you will have all the power.

 

Best of luck to you xx

[BIGHEART15]

I appreciated everybody's response.

As much as it hurts, I know its true. I know I'm wrong.

Why is it happening this way? Only God knows, I'm trying to save a marriage, a family. I won't make excuses for him or say he is right, but I've been a cheater myself in the past and understand we all make mistakes. He wants a divorce, he says that he f' this up and I deserve someone else better than him, maybe he is right, but my heart still with him, I don't know why.

 

Thank you all for your opinions.

[Michelle23]

"I've been a cheater myself in the past and understand we all make mistakes".

 

This tells me you will forgive him so I'm not going to give anymore advice. I don't believe in cheating and I don't see it as a "mistake" I see it as a very selfish decision that hurts everyone involved and there is no excuse for it.

[BIGHEART15]

This tells me you will forgive him so I'm not going to give anymore advice. I don't believe in cheating and I don't see it as a "mistake" I see it as a very selfish decision that hurts everyone involved and there is no excuse for it.

Michelle23, I respect your opinion and beliefs. Thanks for your time and advice, its very much appreciated.

[Michelle23]

I still hope youll take my advice and kick him out. Nobody deserves to be hurt like this.

[Huntress0527]

Until you make a move and ask him to leave he will know he can continue this behavior. Do not let this man to continue to disrespect you. I understand it's hard since you have children and are currently pregnant.

 

He has everything. A cushy home life with a wife whom still has sex with him and children plus a mistress who is also having sex with him and gives him some spice to his domestic life.

[BIGHEART15]

I'm beyond hurt. I'm numb... Right now I'm just confused as what should I do. I don't want to hurt my kids and taking away the fact of what he did, the kids are crazy about him, they have improved at school this past few weeks since it has been at least civil in the house. I cannot afford right now living by myself and the kids, even with child support, that is why I agreed on living under the same roof. And the sex, I asked for it, so if it back fires, it will be all because I wanted it.

He is not a guy I happened to marry, we have a lot together and many memories. He is just not the same, especially after being hurt in the head twice while at war. I would never say that he has a valid reason for what he has done, it is messed up and I sure never deserved it.

[Michelle23]

He will never learn how much he has hurt you or what he has given up as long as he is having his cake and eating it too. He needs to realize that a man cannot treat his wife and the mother of his child this way. It is wrong in so many ways. Stop having sex with him and get some counselling for yourself.

[BIGHEART15]

He will never learn how much he has hurt you or what he has given up as long as he is having his cake and eating it too. He needs to realize that a man cannot treat his wife and the mother of his child this way. It is wrong in so many ways. Stop having sex with him and get some counselling for yourself.

 

I will stop with the sex. I was thinking about it, just not sure.... As far as counseling, I was going for a long time and stop. It was a waste of time and money, I've seen many therapist even a spiritual healer but this time I wanted to this on my own, with my own thoughts.

[abitbroken]

I would say he would have to pay alimony too if he is leaving a pregnant woman. You will be off of work for a bit after baby comes.

 

But what i really think is that you or he should reach out to counselors that are available through the military who deal with post traumatic stress, brain trauma, combat trauma and also he should see a specialist. Head injuries can cause a lot of strange behavior. Maybe there is a wives group or a support group at the hospital? If things seem so out of the blue..it could be a factor

[BIGHEART15]

I would say he would have to pay alimony too if he is leaving a pregnant woman. You will be off of work for a bit after baby comes.

 

But what i really think is that you or he should reach out to counselors that are available through the military who deal with post traumatic stress, brain trauma, combat trauma and also he should see a specialist. Head injuries can cause a lot of strange behavior. Maybe there is a wives group or a support group at the hospital? If things seem so out of the blue..it could be a factor

 

He is paying for everything in the house, I just let him stay (in his own area).

 

I've been with him throuhtout 3 different deployments, 2 with injuries, all three with very traumatic situations that I couldn't bear to mention. After the 3rd one he came back different and pretty much his behavior is out of the blue. But I'm the only one who sees it, he doesn't of course. I cannot make him go to all kinds of counseling, he needs to do it. He feels numb and not connected to emotions, so I dont even think he feels the pain I feel.

[abitbroken]

He is paying for everything in the house, I just let him stay (in his own area).

 

I've been with him throuhtout 3 different deployments, 2 with injuries, all three with very traumatic situations that I couldn't bear to mention. After the 3rd one he came back different and pretty much his behavior is out of the blue. But I'm the only one who sees it, he doesn't of course. I cannot make him go to all kinds of counseling, he needs to do it. He feels numb and not connected to emotions, so I dont even think he feels the pain I feel.

 

I know, but if he has changed because of a head injury, it is a medical thing. Maybe you really should go to a support group re: loved ones with head injuries and you might find some support for yourself at least.

[dianama]

I can definitely understand why you don't want to give up and only you can know if that is right. No of course you don't deserve to be treated that way. You are so strong to be taking all that crap. Maybe you just haven't found the way to deal with it that works, but what you are doing right now honestly is hurting both of you. It sounds like he feels awful and feels like he has failed. He admits he f'd up then tell him then let's work together to fix this. Tell him he is hurting you and needs to stop, and until he does that you will revoke his husband rights (sex at the very least) and tell him why, what he could be doing to the baby, and live as roommates if that is what needs to happen. Maybe he will realize what he is really missing. Ask him what he is getting out of the relationship with her. I agree we do all make mistakes, have you told him that you understand that, he seems to feel he can't make it right. I think that even though he knows it is wrong you allowing it makes it harder for him to stop and move on. Tell him you are not ok with it, ask him if that is really the person he wants to be, if not then tell him you believe he can be that person he wants to be again. Take care, I know it's not easy.

[BIGHEART15]

Dianama,

 

Thanks for your post and support. I told him last week that he needed to get out of the house, that I couldn't do it anymore. It hurt me a lot, I didn't wanted him to leave but I thought that it was needed. I haven't seen him or spoke to him, he called and text but I never picked up, he finally texted me saying he wanted to see the kids, and of course, I didn't refused, they are his kids after all. I'm going to see him today and I'm nervous.

 

I do also feel that he has f'up so much that he does not know how to make it better. But I'm willing, I'm willing to forgive, for the love, for the kids.

This is not easy, but at least I stopped giving him the best of both worlds and told him to leave. I don't know how he feels right now, I will soon find out. Will see...