I Hate My BF's Father

[Silverbirch]

I know that sounds so horrible - I'm not a person who hates easily - but I have come to totally detest this person.

 

My BF and I are both mature-aged, each of us with one grown up child. We don't live together and live close to an hour's drive away. We both work long hard hours, including weekends - he works every Saturday - I have worked every Saturday and every second Sunday for close to a year, but I'm going to be able to cut back soon and only work every second weekend. This means though that the only opportunity we have to be together on a weekend is every second Sunday.

 

Just to give a little history, my BF's father left BF's mother and the children when my BF was 13. He remained living in the same city (with another woman and her children) but made no attempt to contact his children for 8 years. This broke my BF's heart. I'm also told that prior to leaving the family, the father was physically and emotionally abusive, especially towards my BF. My BF recently told me in a way he hadn't meant to let on what he did was that the only thing his father ever gave him in his life was an old empty toolbox which didn't even have any tools in - but my BF has kept that toolbox close by every day of his life since his father gave that to him as a child. He still keeps that box in his car as he has for many, many years. The father had as little as possible to do with his son. From what I have seen with my own eyes of the father and things I've found out over a period of time, He is just a selfish, manipulative old B. The woman he was living with dumped him and moved interstate.

 

Since then, he shows up unannounced at my BF's house every Sunday. Even when he has known we have plans to go out, he will come beforehand and won't want to leave. He has even asked if he can come out with us. He shows up also at my BF's siblings homes as well, but not so often as he does with my BF.

 

The real problem I suppose is that my BF "doesn't feel able" to have direct honest conversation with him or even to just politely insist that he not come EVERY Sunday. He stays until at least 8.30pm and will try and stay the night but my BF does insist that there is not room and apparently said once: "The only person I ever want staying here is a woman of my choice." Because BF lives on a small farm and has some horses and a dog with special needs, as far as staying over, he always wants me to stay there overnight though he does come to my place to visit.

 

I'm very angry at my BF's father, not just for his current manipulative and overbearing behaviour, but for the things he did to my BF from long ago. He wasn't there when he should have been and now in his old age he dumps himself on his children. I can hardly bear being around him and don't want to go the BF's house anymore when his father is there. Needless to say, we are seeing even less of each other.

 

The father is old, but healthy as an ox and likely to be alive for another 20 years or so. I'm not used to feeling this way about people. I hate that he hurt my BF as he has and I hate that my BF can't confront his father and put in normal healthy boundaries. It's really interfering with our opportunities for affection, intimacy and companionship.

 

We've been together for 16 months and I love him very much and I think he loves me, but this is intolerable and not improving. It's only in recent times that I've come to decide simply not to visit while the old guy is there, and I know my BF missed me but I can't see things changing despite my BF constantly complaining about his father.

 

Has anyone else here been in this situation where you just detest a parent of your spouse or partner and how have you handled it. Thanks.

 

In the last few years

[journeynow]

Your best choice is to not go to your boyfriend's house on Sundays. I know that leaves you in a tough spot, but I don't think you can ask him to chose between you and his father. His father is imperfect and was a poor father in the past, and as flawed as he is, he and your bf still have a bond. Maybe they are repairing their relationship in their own way, the best they can, and confrontation may not work at this time.

 

Our family members are part of the package, despite how our partners may feel about them. I honestly think the best way you can help a partner heal their relationship with family is to accept and even find a place of charity or compassion for their flaws.

 

In our younger years, both my ex-husband and I distanced ourselves from our families as we found the differences annoying and stressful, and we shared a level of judgement about them. Eventually my family and I built new relationships, accepting our differences and focusing on our connections, especially coming together in our own flawed way as my father's health failed. However, my then-husband continued to distain and criticize my family as well as his, increasingly so, and by association I felt included in his judgement, even though he said the opposite about me. Our families are all long distance, so never directly involved in our lives. My ex-husband eventually left for different reasons, but I think the rejection of our family members were part of that process.

 

I have a sister who hates her MIL, and a good friend who hates hers, and make no secret about it, and I think this hurts their husbands in both situations, and both have difficult marriages. I wouldn't be surprised if either of them split up.

 

Of course they have a right to their feelings, but I think it harms their relationships to hang onto those feelings and judgements.

 

It was a LONG time ago that your BF's father left. I wonder why you feel so strongly about that? Your bf is no longer 13. They have no idea how long either of them have left in life, so now is as good a time as any for them to have some kind of relationship. It may not be healing in an obvious way, but they may be laying the groundwork for it in their own way. It's a very important relationship, and time may be short.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks JN. I haven't told D that I hate his father, but D constantly tells me how much he dislikes his father and doesn't respect him. I know it was a long time ago the father left, but I suppose I think D has scars from that. His sister has told him she believes he has issues from the way his father treated him. From what I have seen in recent times, I think his father is a user.

 

I won't be going to D's place while his father is there. I feel resentful about this as it means we have even less time together.

 

When I was with my ex, I always considered his children and his mother who lived next door as part of the package and whilst I agree that is "part of the package" is how it should be, I also believe in boundaries. My own son and I have boundaries. My Mum and I have boundaries. I think D's concepts about boundaries and have been very skewered by how his father has treated him. Whilst it is true that he is no longer 13, I believe that for most people, there is always a child within them but as adults we need to nurture our own child. I know from things D has said to me that there is a hurt child there inside he keeps carefully concealed.

 

JN, not of one of us knows how long we have left. Given that his father is in excellent health, I think he will likely be around for some time yet. I do think it was mean though of your ex-husband to criticise your family while your father was sick and when he knew you loved your father very much and the criticisms hurt you. I've never thought let alone said that D and his father should not have a relationship - but I do wish that I could have some time together alone maybe every second Sunday. I don't think that is unreasonable, but I do think it is unreasonable for the father to be there all day and into the evening every single Sunday when D works all day and into the evening every Saturday. I'm angry because I feel as though I have given a lot to this relationship and not even getting basic companionship.

We are not getting younger either. His father had a 40 year relationship with a woman and excluded his family from his life. D's been on his own for years and years before we got together and his father refuses to show some pretty basic boundaries.

[Seraphim]

My husband pretty much detests my father. I met my husband when my parents were still together. He saw what he did to all of us and heard more than he wants to hear. He just really despises him. Now I am pretty much edstranged from my father for over 20 years but I do see him a few times a year maybe. My husband pretty much just grits his teeth and puts up with it once a year that he has to put up with my dad. He knows that I love my dad despite everything that has happened. That is the thing most of us love our parents despite anything. We always hope for them to be the parents that we wanted them to be. Maybe your boyfriend hasn't given up on that.

 

I vote to for not going there every Sunday. Maybe he will notice what he is giving up to have his father just hang around for a day.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Vic,

I suspect your hubbie might be a bit like me in that it isn't simply a matter of not liking a person - it's that the person hurt someone who we love very much. I have VERY protective feelings for the people and creatures I love.

 

Many years ago when I was young and married, my then husbands mother would speak to him in ways which were extremely disrespectful. I was a little mouse, but I turned straight at her and said: "That's my husband you're speaking to." I only had to do that twice and I was told she respected and liked me for it. When I was about 30, I pulled my father up on how he was treating people and how he treated my mother. I didn't speak to him for around 6 months, but then after everything came out in the open, the relationship was repaired and VERY good. Maybe I'm just different to a lot of people in that I feel compelled to speak my truth with my own family.

[Seraphim]

Hugs Vic,

I suspect your hubbie might be a bit like me in that it isn't simply a matter of not liking a person - it's that the person hurt someone who we love very much. I have VERY protective feelings for the people and creatures I love.

 

That is true that is why he's angry. However I feel exactly the same about his parents. He doesn't see them on the same scale as my father but I do. They tried to keep him like an ignorant mushroom in their house for as long as possible. They taught him not to trust himself. They made him so anxiety ridden that when he went out into the world he was not even functional. They tried to beat my spirit down and make me exactly like him. So in a sense I see them as actually worse than my father. And for 23 years I put up with weekly visits with them. Now it is every couple months because we live too far away. But through it all as I said he loves his parents. I can appreciate that he loves them as I love my own father. It does not diminish however how I feel about them. I feel I have done my duty and put up with years and years of their crap and abuse and I just don't bother anymore.

[Seraphim]

Oh yes with my own mother if I feel she's being out of place I will tell her exactly that. And with my father too I will do the same. I just did not feel it was my place to do that with my husband's parents. Tried in the beginning to speak up and I was told I would never be part of their family.

[Seraphim]

But as I said if you are missing on Sunday he might find this unsatisfactory and give his dad some boundaries.

[Silverbirch]

I recall reading about them in some of your other posts Vic. You're an angel for putting up with them as you have. I'm just not built that way and wish the father would move interstate or at least fly out of this place every second weekend. I like and admire D's mother because she brought up those 5 kids on her own, did a great job and got her license to sell real estate. She is nothing like her ex-husband and she detests her ex.

[journeynow]

But as I said if you are missing on Sunday he might find this unsatisfactory and give his dad some boundaries.

 

That's what I was thinking, too.

 

SB, I understand what you mean about boundaries. You can only set your own.

 

He may be working on getting to a place of forgiveness and healing, and is aided by acceptance of their relationship (and past) on your part, if you can. His dad WAS there for 13 years, so they have that bond as well. Yes, his Dad hurt him in the past, and is coming uninvited now, but if you accentuate the negative, how with that improve things? Hate is such a strong reaction, and even if you don't say anything, I bet D. knows it.

[Realitynut]

SB...why don't you just tell David, ya know....we don't even have ONE day during the weekend to do something together, and it is damaging our relationship. How about when i have every other Sunday off...the Sunday i have off...we spend it together. If Dad just pops in, we say, "oops, sorry dad, honey and i are just leaving for a bike ride".....i know D will have a hard time with that, but explain to him about boundries, and the fact that YOU should be important in his life too! Like you said, you're not getting any younger!!! lol..sorry.

 

 

Don't make it sound like he has to chose between the two of you...but his time needs to be SHARED between you too. Why should DAD get all of him every dammmm Sunday, and you get nothing??? Tell him it makes you feel like you are getting bread crumbs...and that is NEVER a good feeling. David will just have to....(hehehe...I LOVE telling david what to do!!! his foot down, nice and recpectfully and just say, 'hey dad, this is the only time sb and i have to be together..ssooooo"

 

Also, when old dad pops in, have a time limit. Say...he dad you can pop in for breakfast with me every Sunday morning, but could you please be outta here by 1pm....so i can do something with SB??

 

Those are all scenerio's that you can hit David up with....if you do it in a concerned manner...and not in the 'i hate your dad' manner, but hey not having time with you is making this old woman a crabasssss'.....lol

 

ahhhh....i love giving other people advice, and i can't even manage my own!!!

 

(((huggers)))

[Realitynut]

ohhh...and if David can't be the meanie,,,,i mean, the big guy.....you could help him escape...i mean, have an out!

 

Be then when Dad pops in, let him hang an hour or so...and then say sweetly...Oh D....don't forget we're suppose to do such and such a thing today!"

 

That will give him his "out", and he won't be the bad guy...lol...you will be....Just kidding. Hve it all planned out before it happens....and then D can say oh yeah, i almost forgot, we had plans....!!

 

Do this often enough and the old man will FINALLY/MAYBE figure it out.

 

David owes it to you...not his dad. And don't forget....every other Sunday, his DAD WILL GET HIM FULL TIME!!!

[abitbroken]

Is the father being nice and pleasant - but just not leaving? I think that you should let the past between your boyfriend and his father and only try to go by his actions now. He was absent in his son's life and is trying to make up for it and is just not good about how. David probably in some ways has always craved this involvement but its a bit awkward now that he is an adult and you are in the picture.

 

Also, what about another plan - that your boyfriend comes to see you part of sunday? Or why not make a specific plan with dad with a time he shows up to? If you actual invite him to something "do you want to come to X with us. We'll come pick you up and will drop you back after lunch" or otherwise make it clear that there is an end time. Sometimes when you actually invite someone, they stop trying so hard to just show up

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla, I have suggested those things to him. He makes up all sorts of excuses for why he can't say anything. I am certain he still harbors a lot of hurt and feelings of abandonment. He has told me how for all those years, what he would have liked most was for his father to make contact with him and take him flying (his father was a commercial pilot).

 

Sorry if I am repeating myself, but once he showed up on a rare occasion David and I were going to a dinner dance. He knew we were going and then showed up and asked if he could come too. The tickets were all pre-paid. Another time, we were like a 15 minute drive away in the township as we went there for lunch. Still parking the car, and what do you know, who has come looking for us and parked beside us and joins us for lunch.

 

Carla and Abitbroken, Sunday is not a day he can leave his farm for very long because he has so much he has to do there. Just popping out for lunch or a coffee is pretty much all that he can manage. We have however, spent time there doing things about each other, almost always to do with his horses or dogs.

 

At some point, I MIGHT invite his father here for lunch, but not now because I'm angry. I do believe though there would be a few risks if I did do that.

 

Abitbroken, yes his father is being quite nice and pleasant in most respects - but yes he is just not leaving.

 

JN, David was a bit upset earlier in the week that he won't have seen me for 2 weeks. He says he has missed me. I have to put my car in for a major service on Monday. He's going to be around for a good part of the day and has said that if I take to train to near where he lives after I drop my car off, he will pick me up, take me back to his place for the day. He said also not to worry about getting back to the mechanic as "that will work out". I doubt though that we will spend much time together as he has lots of projects on the go and behind with finishing off one of those projects for his farm.

 

Sometimes I think back to when we were first together and he did used to spend time here. After a couple of months though, he said that in doing that. he had neglected other areas of his life such as his farm and being too tired for work, and that he needed me to go to his place and couldn't stay here anymore.

 

I won't be going there on Sundays and that will mean that I will hardly see him at least for a while - maybe not at all. The lack of time we do have together is destroying the relationship. I think he knows that. Maybe he just doesn't care.

[Silverbirch]

Maybe that's part of what this is all about - that I just don't figure as importantly in his life as I led myself to believe I have been. I suppose I will know soon.