shady_blue Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Hey everyone, I posted on here about 2 weeks ago because my gf had phoned to break up with me. Well, she phoned back later that day to say she had changed her mind and then we agreed to meet up and have a good chat (it's a long distance relationship) She summarised the following problems: - her parents think I am a bit quiet - the distance is hard for her as she needs a bf who can be there - she always saw herself with somebody older (I'm 2 years younger) - she has a crush on an older colleague at work who is engaged - she says if he was single and he asked her out she would consider it but 'probably choose me' - she isn't sure she wants to be with me On the positive side: She says she loves me At the time I was too soft and couldn't bring myself to break it off. We agreed to 'give it another try' but just writing this list down almost makes my mind up for me. I really like her. But it's making me really unhappy to think that I have a gf who doesn't really want to be with me and is just waiting for a better option. That's the way I feel anyway. Is there anything you think I can do in this situation other than break things off? Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 1 - It should be a red flag for you that she's evaluating her based on her parents opinions and there's nothing wrong with being quiet, it's certainly not a problem. 2 - Ask her if she's ready to move if she can't take the separation anymore 3 - Who cares who she always saw herself with - what a ridiculous thing to even consider 4 - Crush on an engaged guy while she's also in a relationship herself - so she's morally bankrupt 5 - Probably choose you? Next beeotch. 6 - Not sure? Let me make that decision for you - don't call me again. All that and she says she loves you? Hilarious. No idea what love is. Link to comment
mactownman Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Sounds like she has her mind made up. Don't settle for being a backup. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 She's only "with" you because nothing else closer to home has come along. But I guarantee that as soon as it does, she'll be gone. Save yourself from guaranteed future heartache and just end it now. Link to comment
shady_blue Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 I want to ring her, tell her how I feel and see what she says. But I can't really see what she can say to come back from this point. I told myself I'd wait till I saw her next so it would be in person, but that's a week on Thursday and it's doing my head in. Agreed about not knowing what love is. It doesn't make sense to say she loves me in the context of all those things. Link to comment
becomingkate Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 It does sound like she's making you a back up - and I would tell her that when I broke up with her. I'm sorry, but I think you're better off without her. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 - her parents think I am a bit quiet why is quiet a bad thing and how did she phrase it? Like my parents said you were too quiet?i dont get it.. - the distance is hard for her as she needs a bf who can be there how long is the distance between you guys..how often do you see each other? - she always saw herself with somebody older (I'm 2 years younger) what is the reasoning behind this..sounds like an excuse and someone looking to find a problem in the relationship... - she has a crush on an older colleague at work who is engaged Well idk about this..it is what it is..and it sounds like she is looking for a way out when you put all the other stuff you said together... - she says if he was single and he asked her out she would consider it but 'probably choose me' probably...did she actually say probably? - she isn't sure she wants to be with me she is waiting for someone else to come along...your just on the sideline now Link to comment
finallystrong Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 This has immature written all over it. - Her parents think you're quiet This can be fixed by you opening up a little bit when you feel more comfortable and/or ready to do so. I don't see this as a problem. Many people have pressure put on them by expectations set by parents, and disappointment is trying to be avoided. - the distance is hard for her as she needs a bf who can be there Needs attention. Relationships take work, let alone long distance ones. Did she know this would be long distance from the start? People mind change their minds of what they want, but this sounds more attention craving. - she always saw herself with somebody older (I'm 2 years younger) This is just playing naive. Who's to say people that are older are better? That's about as valid as saying "I always saw myself with a brunette, and you're a blonde... sorry" - she has a crush on an older colleague at work who is engaged Lack of attention leads to curiosity. She isn't 100% into this relationship like you are. Get out now before you get deeper into this thing. - she says if he was single and he asked her out she would consider it but 'probably choose me' That's not good. It should automatically be YOU. There should be no "probably" or consideration of other people. Either you want the relationship, or you don't. If you aren't sure, then you can come back when you are, but by that time it may be too late (which it usually is). - she isn't sure she wants to be with me As I said, let her go her own way, you can go yours. She is just in need of attention and you can't give it to her. There shouldn't necessarily be "hard feelings" when you break it off, although she is sort of stringing you along for the ride. You ever heard of the expression "She wants her cake and eat it too"? .... You need to tell her that it doesn't feel good to be fully invested as you are, and not have someone return the same. She says she "loves you", but IF she was "in love with you", there would be no curiosity or doubt. Hope you know the difference. Link to comment
shady_blue Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 She said 'my parents are talkers and they just think you are a bit quiet'. Distance is a 3 hour drive but she also works very long hours including weekends so I think she feels quite lonely. She said she always saw herself with somebody older who can 'lead her through life' Yes, she said probably. I was annoyed and then she just said 'I love you', and I caved in because I'm daft. I'll show myself a bit more respect and phone her tonight. EDIT: ^ Yeah, I'm a medical student so I'm not exactly a shy person in general, but I was just reserved on the couple of occasions I met her parents as I wanted to make a good impression. Totally agree about the 'crush'. If it was in reverse I would say categorically it would be you. There isn't any hard feelings. I think if we were in the same city things would probably be OK. But we aren't and I won't be any time soon. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 The problem with long-distance relationships is that you can't really have a relationship at all when you're not together. I'm sorry, you just can't. Link to comment
DN Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Time to dump her out of your life and move on. She's a user. Link to comment
Moneypenny Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 - her parents think I am a bit quiet - Nothing wrong with that - the distance is hard for her as she needs a bf who can be there RED FLAG - she always saw herself with somebody older (I'm 2 years younger) Not relevant - she has a crush on an older colleague at work who is engaged Not relevant, unless you were together at the time, but otherwise BIG RED FLAG - she says if he was single and he asked her out she would consider it but 'probably choose me' Probably? - BIG RED FLAG - she isn't sure she wants to be with me THERE'S YOUR ANSWER On the positive side: She says she loves me - NO SHE DOES'NT You don't say things like all of the above to people you truly love. You're on the back-burner. And that for you, is NOT positive. For her, yes, but not YOU! Link to comment
Moneypenny Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 She said she always saw herself with somebody older who can 'lead her through life' Well that's you out then! Obviously she's looking for someone who is much older! Little does she know that that will more likely come at a price! She sounds extremely immature, and you are best out of it. You guys sound fairly young, and I personally think she's living in cloud fluffy land. Never in my 50 wonderful years of life have I EVER said this to myself, or to another person! I suspect she means something different - something she feels you can't give her, and that it's come out of her mouth a bit side ways and is being a bit misconstrued by you. I think that what's she's telling you is that you're not a suitable candidate - FOR HER, and her family. EVERYTHING, she says are just excuses. The main one for me is the one I've highlighted..."I want someone who can lead me through life...'someone older". That is an excuse, I'm sorry to say, whichever way you look at it. Link to comment
shady_blue Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 Yeah, it's a weird dynamic. I'm 22 and I'm a final year medical student. She is 24 but has just started her first year as a doctor. So she's essentially one year ahead of me. I met her on placement in the hospital and I suppose she's just decided I'm not for her. It's fine, but its clear I can't drag it on much longer. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 So tell her to date her chatty dad then. ***. I think calling her or communicating with her at all after this littany of egregious insults and behavior is not showing yourself any respect. I totally disagree things would be different if you lived closer. She has the emotional maturity of a 10 year old. Link to comment
happyfrank Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 - her parents think I am a bit quiet - the distance is hard for her as she needs a bf who can be there - she always saw herself with somebody older (I'm 2 years younger) = -1 - she has a crush on an older colleague at work who is engaged -1 - she says if he was single and he asked her out she would consider it but 'probably choose me' -1 - she isn't sure she wants to be with me -1 States she loves you but doesn't mean it. -1000 Too much negativity. Kick her to the curb and find somebody that actually wants to be with you. If girl said those things to me. I would never see or speak with her again. Value yourself! Link to comment
Aurelius44 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I wouldn't even wait til you see her. Call her and tell her if she doesn't like your personality, and doesn't think you're worth the effort, and wants someone else---then too bad. Distance isn't an excuse--I had two friends, one was in med school and the other in grad school. They were a two-hour plane ride away and they took turns seeing each other every other weekend. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I really like her. But it's making me really unhappy to think that I have a gf who doesn't really want to be with me and is just waiting for a better option. That's the way I feel anyway. Why put up with that for another minute? If you dump her, you won't feel that way. Head high. Link to comment
shady_blue Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Thanks everyone. I asked her to give me a ring when she finished work so she phoned me straight away. Was halfway through this conversation when she got called to see a patient. Literally 2 hours later she text to say that one of the children on the ward had just died and she was too upset to talk. Unbelievable timing. Not quite sure how to proceed from here! Suppose I'll just have to speak to her tonight instead, as long as she's not still too upset. Link to comment
shady_blue Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Just rung her, she had the cheek to ask me whether I'd met somebody else? It's like she doesn't know me at all. Feel weird. Think I made the right choice. Like I say though, I'm a bit soft in this department. Link to comment
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