A time for decision

[dadandhusband]

I am a 52 year old man who has been married to my wife for 24 years. We met when we were 16 years old and we have a very complex relationship with a huge family of individuals involved in our lives. We have three children a boy 22, and two girls 19, and 15. We have done a good job of raising them. 15 years ago I started to feel very uncomfortable in our marriage. My wife had issues with alcohol and that worried me. I was fearful of confronting her but asked that she get help. That didn't happen and I decided to not make it my concern but quickly became a codependant in my behavior. I became more and more detached from her and started to travel a great deal. I left my job for a job that took me away a lot. 7 years ago I started to have another relationship but I did not tell my wife. I felt guilty but happy to have someone in my life who I could be with and talk to. My wife's alcohol issues got a lot worse and the last two years I worried about her to the point that she was going to die. I feel like I left my wife but was staying in the home out of a commitment to not destroy my children.

 

The OW in my life heard all about what I was going through and she honoured me and what I was going through. She too is a spouse of an alcoholic but she left her husband three years ago. I cried in her arms and love her today.

 

7 months ago our family had an intervention to send my wife to a treatment centre. She had reached a very scary place and we rocked her world to get her help. I was so releaved to get her treatment. She was very betrayed by how it happened and I have doubted that she could forgive me for doing it. We both had counciling individually and then at our couples counciling I told her about my outside relationship.

 

Needless to say that was devastating for her. I understand how she feels. I would feel the same. The problem is that I have doubt whether we can have a life together after 10 years on me "leaving the relationship mentally" and 7 years of loving two women. Over the last 7 months my wife has stopped drinking and is working to become healthy again. I haven't seen her like this for years. At the same time we are communicating poorly and in a pretty bad place. Our marriage councellor susspended our meeting because we were not doing our dating as requested. My wife told me that she needed a decision from me before she would work on the marriage because she is sure what she wants. I'm scared and dont have the same intimate feeling of love for my wife of so many years and the mother of my children. I did not like her as an alcoholic but I was too chicken **** to do anything about it but run.

 

I am delighted that this is all out in the open. The other women wants to honor me until I can make a decion whether I can go back to my family and wife. She will move on if I decide to commit to home. However, I am in love with her too. My wife and I have been living in separate bedrooms for 3 months now with our youngest 15yo still in the house. The kids know we are working on our issues.

 

One complicated issue is that the OW works with me and we see each other at work.

 

I don't know if there is anything left to re-kindle here and I cannot make a decision as to what I want.

I don't know if my wife will forgive the intervention, or the affair.

I own the business that the OW was leading while I was in a job travelling for the last 5 years. I am not prepared to just fire her from the job yet I believe that my wife would want that to be a condition of reconciliation.

I am powerless over alcohol and I admit that my life had become unmanageable because of alcohol.

 

I've been going to Al Anon for 6 months and I have enjoyed working on my codependant issues and I am concentrating on what I want and need.

I'm hoping the answer shows up or a flame is ignighted but I fear I am about to break up a very long and complicated family home.

 

I have to decide what to do. I want to wait and feel sure but my wife needs a decision.

 

dadandhusband

[Rexcat84]

You've waited for 7 years and now you're asking for more time??? I feel like you've justified all the horrible things you've done in your relationship with her alcoholism. There may be more to the story but from what you've written I believe that your wife deserves someone better.

[ZISIS1986]

Your wife deserves someone better than you . How you can love her and at the same time you love other woman too ?

Be serious and tell to your wife what you have done and let her to take the decision . She deserves to know .

All the people have problems but we don't treat them like you !

[lavenderdove]

OK, now YOU are the problem because you're keeping two women hanging while waffling around.

 

Your marriage counselor 'fired' you because you weren't really working on your marriage. You want the wife and the other woman, and that is not working on the marriage. So you need to pick a direction and stick with it, either really work on your marriage or leave it.

 

If you own your own business and divorce, your wife will get half of it or you will be forced to buy her out. So it is going to impact the other woman one way or another even if you do choose her, and DEFINITELY impact your wallet if you divorce.

 

but i think it is time to decide. Which woman do you feel you have the best potential to succeed with long term as a partner? I would choose that person, then deal with the fallout. There is no easy way out here, but you do need to quit waffling and make a choice. You are not helping your wife's sobriety by being unfaithful with another woman and refusing to actually work on the marriage, so if you want to do the right thing, you need to evaluate what each choice will cost you, weigh the differences, and make a choice.

[Realitynut]

His wife DOES know....re-read his post. And i feel, unless you've walked in another person's shoes, we cannot judge. Most (or at least MANY) men would just get divorced when the going gets tough. He stayed. I'ts so easy to say (especially when one is young), bad, bad man. But living with an alcholic who won't get help, kills the best of marriages.

 

I have my own opinion, but will let others weigh in....

 

And yes, I'm sure you can love 2 women at the same time. One he loves as the mother of his children, one he loves romantically.

[pippy longstocking]

I find your story quite incredible and very honest .

 

It must of been one hell of a relief to get this out in the open .

 

I don't know that I can offer any solutions and in all honesty it does read like the love you and the OW have

is the love that you will go to , and the love that steers you back to your wife is probably a mix of guilt , regret , fear,

mother to your children and the fact that you have been together since age 16.

 

I hope you find your answers

[chickydoodle]

I personally think it would be wrong to stay with your wife out of a sake of duty to the children.

If you could spend time alone with neither, it may help you accomplish clarity.

 

I am powerless over alcohol and I admit that my life had become unmanageable because of alcohol.

 

I am a little confused about your post . Have you an alcohol problem also?

 

I don't know if my wife will forgive the intervention, or the affair.

Do you want her too?. If she did , would this mean your decision to stay with her is easier?

 

However, I am in love with her too

 

You havent actually said you Loved your wife. Do you?

[becomingkate]

lavenderdove: ...but i think it is time to decide. Which woman do you feel you have the best potential to succeed with long term as a partner? I would choose that person, then deal with the fallout. There is no easy way out here, but you do need to quit waffling and make a choice. You are not helping your wife's sobriety by being unfaithful with another woman and refusing to actually work on the marriage, so if you want to do the right thing, you need to evaluate what each choice will cost you, weigh the differences, and make a choice.

 

I think this is the best way to handle it. Yes, it's not fair that there is another woman, but I have to be honest - when my husband was busy drinking himself to death (he died in 2002 at the age of 35) I thought about having an affair. I just resented him so much! But I didn't do it - heck, I didn't even know anyone to have an affair with. But the thought was there.

 

I also want to say that your decision will impact the kids. I stayed with my alcoholic husband because my mum stayed in her bad alcoholic marriages, and that was all I knew. I didn't see any "red flags" because I'd grown up around it. Whatever you decide, please ensure that you're very open and honest with your kids, and please get them into some kind of counselling as well.

[dadandhusband]

Thank you to all who have replied. Every interpretation has been helpful. To clarify a few things. I am not really worried about the financial outcome of my decision. The other women will move on. I have never been able to have so many conversations with my wife in the last 10 years than we have had in the last 10 weeks. The quote on powerless about alcohol comes from the 12 steps of Al Anon as I have been defined as a screeming codependant and I'm taking steps to understand and imporve my life.

 

Much of my behavior of escape, affair, and inability to decide what to do comes from my codependancy. I want to live and love again and if that is possible with my wife I am willing to do that. However, when you have pushed away something for so long and then dishonored that person it may not be possible.

 

dah

[iamkaylee]

I'm going to be honest. All three of you have problems.

 

Your wife's an alcoholic trying to deal with recovering from that and sort out her issues that led to her alcoholism.

 

You are a self described screaming codependent and there's more there too.

 

Your OW has been willing to stick around with a married man for seven years. She's a fixer and has some issues of her own.

 

I really think you'd all be best off getting away from all this and working on yourselves for a time. A month at least. Find some place else to stay, with friends or even rent a motel by the week if you have to. Limit contact with both women, do some hard soul searching and figure out what you want to do.

 

No matter what you do, there is going to be some fallout. You shouldn't let guilt or anything else pressure you into doing something you're not sure about.