Was i really the emotionally abusive one? feeling guilty and insecure.

[CED]

My ex boyfriend is living with 4 girls at uni and goes out clubbing with them, which i voiced to him i was uncomfortable with but never stopped him going. After the honeymoon phase he was rarely affectionate/loving. He even began to ignore me sometimes. He reassured me that he wouldn't do anything (never really thought he would cheat) but it was his actions that were making me feel unloved and insecure.

 

For example: we tried to set aside time to talk everyday and sometimes he'd go after 10 minutes or ignore my messages to spend more time with his friends. We'd spend max an hour talking over the webcam where he'd make little effort to talk or be doing other things. I'd start off the conversation happy to see him, he'd be like this and i'd get upset and talk to him, he'd make out like i was having irrational mood swings saying "why do you switch into a different person?", "are you gonna kick off/get emotional again?". I'd be upset by his actions most days and i started to think i was creating drama so tried to keep my mouth shut.

Other examples:

-If i said i felt dropped me for friends constantly, he'd say "It's a busy week! I'm talking to you now when i don't have to be."

-If i told him he'd take ages replying in the short time we had to talk, he'd say "it sounds like you constantly want to be talking to me! it's not like i'm not talking to you at all."

-If i mentioned my hurt that he was spending so much time with his friends and barely talking to me, he'd say "am i allowed to go out? can i even go to my lectures? want me to stay in my room all day?".. he'd also call me "boss" or asking permission to go out (I'd never told him he couldn't go out)

-If he had another girls ipod in his pocket or took condoms to uni with him he'd say "why're you so paranoid? It was an accident/ i was binning them".

- He'd also never give me straight answers, when i asked why he was saying "possibly" when he knew the answer he said it was to "see me go crazy and mess around with me".

- When i was upset he would give me one word answers like it was a chore explaining himself, i'd end up getting more upset and clingy..he also never consoled me when i was crying.

 

It seemed to be twisted until i felt i was being crazy, controlling and insecure and I'd always end up seeing his side and apologizing/ feeling guilty which made me feel more unstable. We broke up and i felt like i ruined it by behaving like this. It's been a year since the break up and i can't move on thinking maybe he was right and i was being emotionally abusive.. making me feel guilty for hurting him and not wanting to get into other relationships incase i do have these qualities. Any insight please.

[camus154]

Wow, you're still struggling with this even though it was a year ago?

 

You may have been a bit clingy, but he was no prize. Sorry, but he was more interested in having fun than he was in having a relationship.

 

Let it go. There's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't found the right guy.

[Lambert]

Not knowing you and your situation that well, it sounds like he was not a very good boyfriend and you should have got out of it much sooner. Some people and this doesn't mean you, but it could, are in love with love. They like having a relationship, even a $hitty one more than they like to be alone. I probably have been in the situation at some point in my life, too. So I am not trying to judge you.

 

The past is just that, the past. It's over. There's only one use for it-- to learn from. I don't understand why you are so overcome with thoughts of him -- it doesn't sound like a fun, loving relationship. I would try to put it out of your mind. Focus on yourself and moving forward. It's unfair to hold yourself hostage to not dating because of a mistake in the past, even if you were responsible. We make mistakes but we learn and we go on. That's life. Go live yours.

[Intrepid2012]

This sounds uncomfortably familiar. I have been in a similar situation with an ex. I never once restricted (or hinted at restricting) my ex's time with his friends. But I did vocalize that I wanted us to spend more time with each other. He would get angry and tell me that he spends plenty of time with me, but that he's just dividing his time between me, his friends, work, and school. Now HERE is where things get tricky (and where I see the parallels between my old situation and yours). An SO dividing his time between other obligations and friends is completely normal and acceptable. BUT, when your SO is late to arranged meetings, doesn't follow up on promises (to meet, be on time, or spend more quality time), and puts you down for expressing your needs and wants... that is poor behavior and the latter is a form of emotional abuse.

 

 

 

Him belittling your feelings for expressing your concerns, turning around your concerns to make it YOUR fault, purposefully not giving straight answers to "see you go crazy and mess with your head".... DING DING DING Emotional abuse!

 

What's more alarming to me is that towards the end of the relationship, you ended up feeling crazing, controlling, and insecure... and felt like you were overempathizing with him. These are typical results of abuse.

 

Now, did you have a part to play in this poor relationship? Yes, probably. I'm guessing you started out the relationship with a bit of low self-esteem and insecurities. And you couple these issues with a partner that is dismissive, immature, with abusive actions... you end up getting a negative feedback loop. Ex. You're insecure, he gets defensive and angry, you get more insecure, he gets even more defensive and angry... and so on. In a healthy relationship, if you were feeling insecure about something, your SO would have been considerate enough to talk about it and form a solution and actually FOLLOW UP with the solution. But that wasn't a healthy relationship.

 

Now, it's been a year. What should you do now? Identify those negative patterns I just discussed. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF SOLELY FOR THE PAIN IN THE RELATIONSHIP. If there were issues that you want to work on (insecurity, low self-esteem), work on it. But work on things that you actually want to work on, not what your ex manipulated you into believing.

 

Good luck, ma'am!

[offplanet]

It sounds like he wasn't very into you, therefore there were always going to be conflicts about him not showing interest. You could have picked up on that very early on and got out, rather than stay around and get ignored and humilaiated.

[CED]

At the beginning he was perfect and extremely loving but it just completely went. Every so often he'd do something to keep me hanging on.. usually when i was about ready to give up. These moments were few and far between but became addictive hoping he'd go back to how he was. I did try to leave him and he'd do a 180 from acting completely disinterested to saying how much he loved me and giving me all i wanted to hear. He had plenty of opportunities to break up with me but always said he wanted to keep trying if i brought it up. After a year of this i had practically no self esteem and struggled ending it for real.

[km2]

I was in a similar situation with my ex, and 4 months in he has turned it around on me and told me I was the abusive one, which is very difficult for me to take on, and of course makes me doubt everything I KNOW to be true in our relationship.

 

Now it's hard, because as time fades your memory you start to doubt what actually happened in your relationship.

 

What you have to hold on to is this (and it's hard for me too, I cling to my ex like I'm drowning) - can you legitimately say, even with your heartbreak, that you were happier with him than without him? My ex made me cry almost every single day. Yes, I'm sad without him, yes I miss the comfort and reliability of our relationship and I mourn the future I had planned. BUT, I actually cry far less, and I am doing many things for myself like exercising, seeing a counsellor regularly (which sounds like something you should do, many universities offer counselling for free for their students, if you are a student you should look in to this) and redecorating my home to make it mine again.

 

I think you are similar to me in that issues with self esteem led us to men that were not capable of loving us in the way we deserved. I look back and can't help myself from thinking 'if only I had let that go...' but in reality, someone who truly loves you and treats you well would not cause the kind of conflict & pain we experienced.

 

Now without knowing any more details, I would like to just tell you something I identified in myself - and that is that my feelings of insecurity and my problems with self-worth need to be sorted out before I can get involved with someone else because I run the risk of either making someone else miserable with my trust issues, or ending up in another relationship with a man who truly isn't worth it! Make yourself happy before trying to find something else!

[abitbroken]

This guy was really disinterested in you, I think. I don't think it worth your time to try to "label" him. The important thing is why you accepted the situation when he lived with a bunch of girls, was always around other girls. To me, I wouldn't have even gotten involved. I don't have time for guys who do things that make me uncomfortable so early on. I just don't. So examine why YOU decided that this was an acceptable relationship and work through what you can do to improve your self esteem or have better boundaries or at least not think that the next guy is the only one out there so you have to put up with it. You can only change YOU now.