Alone time

[HDC80]

Anyone else here enjoy time alone?

 

Ive been with my BF for almost a year....and recently had begun spending 7 nights a week (most weeks) together.

The reason----we were looking to move in together in 2 -3 months....(if this was NOT on the table, I would have continued to spend weekends and 1 or 2 weeknights with him....the rest for myself)

 

I increased the nights together because it was leading to us living together.

 

We now have an issue that popped up (out of both of our control) that will put living on hold for anywhere from 6 weeks to a year.

 

I told him that I would like some time for myself....1 or 2 nights per week.

He FREAKED out.

 

Says he doesnt understand why now I would tell him I want that time.

I said well before over the last 2 or so months we were working towards living together....if we werent it would have not been as frequent.....and since we're on hold it makes sense to adjust what we're doing.

 

I asked if I had signed up for a yoga class 2 nights per week if he would have been okay with it....he said yes.

So its okay for me to take yoga, but its NOT okay for me to want to come home to my own place and be alone for a night or two per week?

 

He works a different shift and is done at 2pm. He typically comes over at 730.

This gives him 5 hours PER DAY to do things....be alone....work out....nap....watch TV shows he likes, run errands....etc.

 

I leave work at 5, commute 45 minutes (stopping for errands along the way) typically putting me home around 6/615. By the time I make lunch, do other things like bills its nearly 715....and Im then in the kitchen prepping to make us dinner.

Leaving NO time for myself. Even to just be in the house alone (I also have a roommate)

 

He said its obvious that he cares more for me than I do for him...that Im not the person he thought I was....and now pondering how would we EVER live together (simple...on those nights Ill go into another room...when you come over now you're a guest and that would be rude....)

He has now also said he wont contact me, nor ask me to do anything as its weird now and he will feel like he is intruding on my space if he does otherwise.

I told him no he needs to trust that if I want to do something when he asks Ill say yes....if I dont Ill say no.

He said he will leave it up to me (and he knows this is a major problem I have with people in general....and how crappy it feels to always be the one asking)----I explained again that we would still have weekends and 1 or 2 nights per week....and that this was more random-----sometimes I might not want space, others I might want more.

Also tried to explain its like how you spend time with friends...they call you, you call them...you make plans.

He cant seem to grasp this with me.

 

I dont understand his reaction.

 

I spend tons of time alone, always have----Ive never really been close with anyone or spent time with someone daily in my life. I REQUIRE time alone to feel decompressed and refreshed.

I value my relationship with myself and know that its healthy to have alone time---relationship or not.

 

I have a tough time understanding why 2 less nights of us sitting on the couch together is THIS big of a deal.

 

Any insight? Suggestions, ideas?

[DN]

What he sees is a form of rejection and he finds it insulting and that the relationship is unbalanced. It was probably a question of a bad approach but it is going to be hard to convince him that you really do love him.

[LonelyGirl10]

I imagine that it's not actually about him or you being alone two days a week. It's probably him feeling insecure about your feelings for him. Personally, I love being alone. If I spent too much time with my ex, I started feeling cramped and needing my own space. BUT, when he told me that he needed alone time, I freaked out. I actually wanted alone time too, but hearing him say that caused insecurity. I started wondering if he was thinking of leaving me, or if he didn't love me, or whatever. It doesn't make any sense to me, and I can't really explain it.

 

My suggestion is to get your alone time without saying that it's alone time, if that's possible?

[DN]

And taken in context with these threads of yours there is even more reason for him to feel the way he does:

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Heather Dawn]

And taken in context with these threads of yours there is even more reason for him to feel the way he does:

 

 

 

 

 

]

 

Totally agree. This poor guy has put up with a lot. In all honesty, I think he'd be better off if you went your separate ways so that he could find someone who was completely available to him on every level.

[HDC80]

DN---

He doesnt know that my ex still 'haunts me'

He is aware about my family, and says he understands thats how they are....and has been okay with it. He hasnt really protested that we dont spend time with them, or attempt to make plans with them....so I dont think its a huge issue....he treats it almost like they just live in another state so its just not possible.

 

As for my drive with him, I told him gently that Id just like him to be more gentle.

 

So now that I have said to him Id like some time to myself....and he has reacted this way....and frankly I find his reaction poor and immature.....

Is there any way to ease his feelings?

 

Lonely---for me to get 'alone' time I would have to make up lies that I was doing something else. That doesnt seem like a good thing to do to someone you're with.

I think I should be able to be honest and say hey....Id like Tuesday night for myself....to sit at home in a bubble bath and listen to music and not speak to anyone after I leave work.

 

Im not asking for the moon here----Im not taking time to hang out with friends instead....or join some club...or some other activity or go to a bar....Im really looking for time in my house to loaf...not care about how I look or what someone elses needs are....and maybe even crawl into bed at 8pm because I want to, pick up a book and pass out on it.

It shouldnt be THIS big of a deal.

[HDC80]

How is he putting up with alot?

 

How am I not available to him on every level----because I value time on my own without ANYONE around?

[DN]

Well, I am pretty sure that you made him feel rejected. If you still insist he should not and this is all about what you want then I suspect you will damage the relationship - I think you already have with the way you have approached this.

 

He's not just 'anyone' - and that is the core of the issue.

 

As to not knowing you ex still haunts you - I bet he does at some level.

[HDC80]

I dont think its healthy in ANY relationship to not have alone time.

Its not healthy to do everything with your SO and not spend time with others without them around.

 

What is healthy and balanced is having time for one another, and also making sure you have time for yourself, your friends, your family and your own hobbies.

 

When you neglect friends, family and your own hobbies...its called being co-dependent.

 

I understand he isnt just anyone----but looking for 2 nights out of 7 (so there are 5 nights spent together which is better than 50%) it shouldnt be an issue!

 

It seems to me that he doesnt enjoy time alone or on his own. That is being co-depedent.

 

Ive never understood those people who are happy having someone around with them all the time and dont want to do things on their own, or look into things that interest them on their own.

Its personal identity.

 

Im curious how he would know that my ex 'haunts me'....my ex is never spoken about...does not live locally, we do not maintain any of the same friends....and my current BF isnt on FB.

[LonelyGirl10]

Ive never understood those people who are happy having someone around with them all the time and dont want to do things on their own, or look into things that interest them on their own.

Its personal identity.

 

Like I said, I don't think it's about the actual time spent alone. I love having time alone to myself. But when my ex told me that he needed time apart from me, I thought it meant that he was pulling away, wasn't as interested in me, etc. I think it's more HOW you phrased it, than what you said.

 

When I want alone time, I usually phrase it in a way such that it doesn't seem like I need to get away from my SO. I'll say "hey I want to take a bath and read tonight, ok?" Instead of "I need some space" or "I need to be alone, without you" or whatever.

[camus154]

I can relate to needing alone time. I need a good deal of it myself. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

Here's what I think you should do. Instead of having some discussion about it with him, instead of planning it all out ahead of time like it's some massive change, just take it as it comes. If there's a night when you want to be alone, then tell him "I think I'm staying home tonight to take a long hot bath and settle in to a good book."

 

There. That's all that needs to be said. Don't make it a big deal up front and maybe he won't make it a big deal either.

[HDC80]

See but the thing is....he would then suggest coming by after the bath and the reading....

and this isnt a once in a blue moon thing to which yes....would be easy to say I think Id like to ___________ tonight.

 

This is something I need regularly...but dont want it scheduled like Monday & Tuesday are my nights for myself.

It can be more random than that.....but the freaking out just screamed insecure----not something I ever took him to be and not something I really deal with.

[HDC80]

Sometimes I have a tough day at work and dont know I want to be alone until on my ride home----too late to tell him not to come by.

 

Or----its a Saturday when I wake up and we went out the night before.....

 

Or its a Sunday night and I want to go to bed early.....

 

It just strikes when it strikes---and isnt really something I can put off until its convenient.

[Heather Dawn]

How is he putting up with alot?

 

How am I not available to him on every level----because I value time on my own without ANYONE around?

 

Um, your parents are awful and say terrible things about him, and won't include him in anything. You don't like sleeping with him. Aaaand, you're still being haunted by your ex. And now, on top of all of that, you want to reduce your time together. Come on.

[DN]

OK, well, ignore the problem and perhaps it will go away.

[HDC80]

My parents are not social people. Its not like Im spending time with them at picnics or going out to dinner on a Tuesday night and he isnt coming with me.

Right now I see them less than I used to----Sunday night dinner only....and that isnt something ANYONE has EVER been invited to my entire life (childhood and prior to moving out included)

 

It has NOTHING to do with him and everything to do with, that is HOW THEY ARE.

 

I could be with the most amazing person ever...they would still make snide comments and NOT include that person in anything family related.

 

I never said I dont like sleeping with him----what I did say was that the way he does things doesnt always mesh with how I want them done and while it was fine before, lately its been bothersome and thus Ive wanted to sleep together less (caviat...we have been sleeping together JUST as much as before...Im just not getting off....so our routine hasnt changed)

 

As for the time together----does everyone in any relationship spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT TOGETHER?

7 days week.....?

 

Or do normal well adjusted couples allow for time on their own, time with friends, family, to do hobbies....etc?

How else does someone bring anything to the relationship unless they're spending time outside the relationship with things to then contribute.

 

Any psych article you read about healthy couples says dont lose yourself, keep your own identity, dont stop doing the things you love just because you have a relationship.....it says maintain friendships and a support system outside of the relationship.

 

Am I totally off here?

[DN]

It's not that you want time alone that is the problem - it is how you brought it up and made him feel.

[PetiteGirl]

I leave work at 5, commute 45 minutes (stopping for errands along the way) typically putting me home around 6/615. By the time I make lunch, do other things like bills its nearly 715....and Im then in the kitchen prepping to make us dinner.

Leaving NO time for myself. Even to just be in the house alone (I also have a roommate)

 

I spend tons of time alone, always have----Ive never really been close with anyone or spent time with someone daily in my life. I REQUIRE time alone to feel decompressed and refreshed.

 

Have you tried to explain your schedule to him? Gently explain to him that this is about your needs. It's not that you are pulling away from the relationship nor is it a sign that your feelings for him have changed - those have nothing to do with it. Your "battery" is recharged through alone time. You just simply need some time for yourself to do things, or even just do nothing. Make sure to reassure him that you care and love him and this isn't about him, so it will ease his panic.

 

From the look for it, some communication work is needed between you guys. Also, I'm sure he wants to please you, having a satisfying sex life requires you to teach him what you like until he gets it. It might take a while, so have patience. Give him lots of feedback and positive reinforcement will speed up the process. Talk to him, otherwise the only person that's holding you back from improving your sex life is you.

[HeatherB]

When you live together, he's gonna be around a lot. So the solution is not to try to avoid him now. It's about how to make sure you can have your own space with him around. I mean, you can't kick him out overnight a couple nights a week when you share the place. Figure it out. You can both have what you want and need--if you both work to make the other person comfortable and happy too. No either/or. Look for solutions that get both of your needs met.

[kate150]

Whats wrong with being in the same house but doing your own thing - you in the bath, him watching tv or whatever? If you are going to be living together eventually, this is what life most likely will look like. You don't want to be in each other's back pocket all the time. I agree with HeatherB.

[FYI]

He's been through the fire with you on a number of things that are typically crippling to a relationship and I think he deserves credit on a lot of those things. You say that you're parents are not very social people, do you ever feel that way sometime. Everybody needs a little space. But when you move in with somebody, you can throw "space" out of the window because you certainly are not going to see very much of it. Especially when you start having children. You get pushed even further down the totem pole as far as what you're priorties are.

[HDC80]

Yes I have explained my schedule to him, I assured him this had nothing to do with him or our relationship but simply about my needing time to recharge and the way in which I recharge.

I explained this to him when we started dating and have continued to tell him its what I need to feel my best.

 

Heather: I have a roommate now....there are times I come home and she is here...there are times I join her on the couch or to chat over dinner...there are times I come home and head right up to my room only coming out to grab food/water.

Right now my BF is a guest, and it would be odd to have him in the living room, my in my bedroom and my roommate come home (she gets first priority as she PAYS to live here) over a guest I have.

So....I understand that when we move in----it will be just as easy as it is now with my roommate....to have him do his thing and my go elsewhere in the house.

I get I cant ask him to leave...just as I cant ask my roommate to leave....I can navigate that no problem when we LIVE TOGETHER...but right now we dont...and he has his own place....so he doesnt need to be over EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and being co-dependent.

 

FYI---my parents are not social people......EVER.

I am VERY social----I like to be out with friends, out in loud places, constantly busy.....BUT that also comes with sometimes needing my own space on a weeknight....or on a Sunday afternoon....I dont require a HUGE amount, but I cant have someone around me all the time.

 

You mention having children---that wont be an issue....I dont want any and due to my cervical cancer surgery not likely to be able to have them.

[EssexMan]

It just strikes when it strikes---and isnt really something I can put off until its convenient.

 

But being in a relationship involves doing just that - putting your own preferences aside for the relationship's sake at times.