Young woman, 19, flirts with me and now I'm attracted to her.

[DrewInOmaha]

I have been flirting with a younger woman who works at a coffee shop I frequently visit. We became friends some time ago and she flirted with me quite a bit but the whole time I knew we were never going to have a relationship aside from what we had at the coffee shop.

 

The biggest part of the problem is that I'm a man over 40 and she's just 19. The other thing is, I don't believe she knows that she's been flirting. I think she's just been being nice to me and I misread her comments and attention.

 

I've been divorced and alone for a long time and this girl is the first person whose really shown any interest in my in a long time. Her flirting was playful and not inappropriate. She's never made any suggestion that she wants more than friendship.

 

Eventually, she asked me to add her on facebook. After someone time she gave me her cell # and we text periodically. Both times, I thought long and hard about whether or not I should add her. Obviously, I did but now I think I made a mistake. I decided that since she was an adult, she had the right to choose her friends, whether they were 20 or 40. I know that I was just trying to convince myself because it's what I wanted.

 

She's invited me to attend a few functions where her family and her boyfriend were also attending. I have not attended as I do not feel comfortable with the situation. She draws cute pictures on my coffee cup and texts me to make sure I come in. It isn't for the business as she almost always give me my drinks for free. She also brings me little gifts and has me watch DVDs that she enjoys so we can talk about them.

 

I think, perhaps, she's oblivious to the depth of my affection; probably because I have never said anything about it and I do not overtly flirt. I just like spending time with her. I know it's stupid and I know it cannot and will not go anywhere.

 

And yet, some nights, when she's not working, she asks me to meet her at the coffee shop to sit and chat. Of course, I go because I'm that lonely.

 

She's very kind and generous and thoughtful. She was the only person I got a gift from at Christmas.

 

The problem is, the longer this goes on, the more my feelings for her grow and the more frustrating I find the whole experience.

 

I feel like I have to break this off and be done with it. It's unhealthy for me and I need to move on. I know this in my head.

 

I've been told by a friend to just walk away. Stop going to the coffee shop, stop communicating with her on Facebook and texting. Just completely ignore her and let her figure it out on her own.

 

I feel like that's a horrible thing to do to someone who has been so kind to me. I know it would hurt me if she cut me out of her life and didn't say a word.

And yet, I wonder what I will gain from confessing my feelings to her and then telling her that I need to break things off.

 

Either way, I think I'll hurt her.

 

I know this seems rather pathetic. I offer no excuses. I executed very bad judgement right from day one. Now I want to work my way out without hurting her.

 

I think I know what I have to do, I just don't know the best way to do it. Please, a little guidance would be awesome.

[zep]

Oh man, I agree you should stop talking to her, but I would give some sort of excuse. Like you moved or you switched jobs so now you don't go by the coffee shop as often. And just fade out...

[DrewInOmaha]

Oh man, I agree you should stop talking to her, but I would give some sort of excuse. Like you moved or you switched jobs so now you don't go by the coffee shop as often. And just fade out...

 

Yeah, I think she'd know that's not true... but how to explain the removal from Facebook? And the failure to respond to texts?

 

Plus, I'll have to change my pharmacy and grocery store as it's all in the same building. These things I *can* do but it will add inconvenience.

[BrianH46]

Tell her how you feel and she will end your "relationship" for you. Win win.

[MikNomis]

Gradually fade out. If she asks, come up with all kinds of excuses; the possibilities are endless. Work, sick, tired, been busy are some of the common ones. But just keep fading out, she'll get used to it.

[DrewInOmaha]

Yeah, I think she'd know that's not true... but how to explain the removal from Facebook? And the failure to respond to texts?

 

Plus, I'll have to change my pharmacy and grocery store as it's all in the same building. These things I *can* do but it will add inconvenience.

 

Yes, I think this is probably what will happen. I've thought about it quite a bit and I understand the risk. It was foolish of me to befriend her to begin with.

[Patrick974]

Well, you have been a good man it seems, and it is reasonable to not expect a relationship with someone half your age (even if she is not a minor anymore, that's kind of creepy). Just don't answer texts anymore, she will understand by herself you are letting her go, for the better.

[BrianH46]

Well, you have been a good man it seems, and it is reasonable to not expect a relationship with someone half your age (even if she is not a minor anymore, that's kind of creepy). Just don't answer texts anymore, she will understand by herself you are letting her go, for the better.

 

She also has a boyfriend.

[HeartGoesOn]

I was with you until I read this.

 

She's invited me to attend a few functions where her family and her boyfriend were also attending.

 

I may be off base, but it seems as if you're trying to block out the fact that she has a boyfriend. Either way, you have to accept that she's unavailable.

[DrewInOmaha]

She also has a boyfriend.

 

Nope. I'm aware of her relationship. Though she never brings him up, ever, when we're talking.

 

Not that it matters, but I can't even begin to believe that I could ever have a relationship with someone younger than my children.

[DrewInOmaha]

Yes, I think this is probably what will happen. I've thought about it quite a bit and I understand the risk. It was foolish of me to befriend her to begin with.

 

I know it's creepy. I've even said that to her... I've asked her "Don't you think it's creepy that I hang around with you?" (by her invitation)

[gwnguy]

Why do you have to do anything? I know you don't want to let your feelings get out of control, but they will fade over time if nothing happens.

 

You enjoy each others company, so your solution is to cut her out of your life. Makes sense to me.

 

I'm pretty sure she has some feelings for you too. You haven't been a creep. Both of you will eventually move on to other people, so enjoy it while it lasts. Who cares what people think. That's their problem.

[shesmiled]

i think you could just simply bring up the topic of her relationship with her boyfriend. see how it goes and what she says. personally i would just leave this girl alone. it doesn't bode all to well with me

[DrewInOmaha]

i think you could just simply bring up the topic of her relationship with her boyfriend. see how it goes and what she says. personally i would just leave this girl alone. it doesn't bode all to well with me

 

I'm not trying to further the relationship. I don't want to know what the status of her relationship is with her boyfriend. I'm sure it's great. My goal is to stop seeing her socially without being a jerk.

[leftme]

I don't see the issue... Regardless of your ages (socially created issue) you seem to have very similar opinions and interests but if you really want to...

 

Don't just disappear... Just be honest... She clearly looks up to you.

[marona]

My goal is to stop seeing her socially without being a jerk.

 

If this truly is your goal, then the answer is quite simple. Be honest, as said earlier.

Tell her that you have involuntarily developed feelings for her, you know it's wrong both due to your agedifference, and her having a boyfriend(the main dealbreaker at this point)

Tell her that you really appreciated her company, friendship and all that, but think it would be best to stop the communication so you could move on at your own pace.

 

That way she will respect you, understand, and you will get the result you want (No communication) with a mutual understanding.

[DrewInOmaha]

If this truly is your goal, then the answer is quite simple. Be honest, as said earlier.

Tell her that you have involuntarily developed feelings for her, you know it's wrong both due to your age difference, and her having a boyfriend(the main deal breaker at this point)

Tell her that you really appreciated her company, friendship and all that, but think it would be best to stop the communication so you could move on at your own pace.

 

That way she will respect you, understand, and you will get the result you want (No communication) with a mutual understanding.

 

This is what I want to do. But part of me wonders if I want to reveal my feelings as a way to get her to respond. I told myself that wasn't true but the more I think about it the more I feel that confronting her with my feelings is a more selfish than helpful.

 

I put myself into this situation and I need to pull myself out. This is a quote from an e-mail I got. "just cut all ties, stop creeping on this poor girl. don't make it even worse by explaining to her why you're doing this."

 

And I think I more or less agree with this advice. How will she feel if she didn't know about my feelings and I reveal them? Will she be angry? Hurt? I don't know. But if I just slowly back away and stop responding to her, stop interacting with her on facebook, just let things evaporate without making a big deal out of it. It might be easier. I'm sure I can manage to make this happen and not drag it out for weeks.

 

But thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it.

 

You would think that at my age I would have a clue.

[memento]

Don't say you have feeling with her. Simply text you that you feel its inappropriate for a guy your age and a girl her age to be talking. Say that you starting to be uneasy about the situation and that she's an amazing person and good luck.. that way you don't have to admit anything..

[HeatherB]

She sounds really sweet. It's like she's adopted you since you're obviously lonely. I doubt impropriety has even crossed her mind, especially since you've passed up plenty of chances to creep on her and you know she has a boyfriend. Don't tell her about your feelings. It's like she's in the kid role here, and you're an older family member. Your attraction is your problem and it would be very uncool to make it her problem. Back off subtly until you can look at her platonically again.

 

And force yourself to date. You've discovered that that part of you isn't dead. So honor it. But you'll be a lot happier exploring it with someone a little closer to your own age.

[DrewInOmaha]

She sounds really sweet. It's like she's adopted you since you're obviously lonely. I doubt impropriety has even crossed her mind, especially since you've passed up plenty of chances to creep on her and you know she has a boyfriend. Don't tell her about your feelings. It's like she's in the kid role here, and you're an older family member. Your attraction is your problem and it would be very uncool to make it her problem. Back off subtly until you can look at her platonically again.

 

And force yourself to date. You've discovered that that part of you isn't dead. So honor it. But you'll be a lot happier exploring it with someone a little closer to your own age.

 

Even better advice. It always come from women.

 

Thank you.

[HeatherB]

Even better advice. It always come from women.

 

Thank you.

 

You're a decent, honorable man and you deserve happiness. Sometimes it takes a younger woman to wake you up and make you remember who you are and what you want again. Accept that amazing gift this girl gave you without even realizing it, and really do something with it. Get out there and really live. It'll be awkward and messy and hurtful at times, but it beats dying slowly, you know?

[Miss Firecracker]

Please do not say anything to her. Just fade out. Anything you say could be repeated to her parents and you do not need that.

[DrewInOmaha]

Please do not say anything to her. Just fade out. Anything you say could be repeated to her parents and you do not need that.

 

Okay, but why would I be concerned about that? I know that her mother is aware of our friendship. I've actually talked to her a few times.

 

What's her dad going to do? Come and pick a fight with me? Nothing inappropriate or illegal has occurred.

 

Just the same, I don't plan on revealing my feelings.

[Devia]

Please don't listen to all of these people that are telling you to just disappear. That is a jerky and cowardly way to go about ending ANY relationship, friendship, etc. It is a shame that the age difference is extreme - I am not about to be a person that calls you creepy. It's not like you're attracted to her BECAUSE she's 19, or you just like 19 year old girls in general. You are attracted to her spirit, her personality. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

You can't just disappear from her life because she will never know why and keep wondering, perhaps thinking it's something about herself or that she did something wrong. She, or anyone for that matter, does not deserve that. However, I also think that due to her age and inexperience in life you should not even ask her how she feels towards you, because she is very young and probably doesn't know as well as you do.

 

So, I think you should tell her that you have enjoyed her company and generosity to no end, but you are sorry because you must not see her anymore. Tell her that it's because you're attracted to her but that it's wrong so the only way you can change it is by not being friends with her anymore. I know that sounds terribly hard, but you will feel better about it in the long run and she can only be flattered by you telling her this.

 

Hope that helps.

[Miss Firecracker]

Okay, but why would I be concerned about that? I know that her mother is aware of our friendship. I've actually talked to her a few times.

 

What's her dad going to do? Come and pick a fight with me? Nothing inappropriate or illegal has occurred.

 

Just the same, I don't plan on revealing my feelings.

 

That is good to hear. This is a young girl with a boyfriend. You don't have a break-up talk with someone you don't have a relationship with. It has been an inappropriate flirtation, nothing more. The sooner you quit communicating, the better. One day you will look back on this and feel embarrassed it happened. I won't say anything more because I know you don't agree with the way I see this. Good luck.