Taboo sex... I'm getting confused.

[Vegetable]

As the title says, I recently got involved into a "relationship" that doesn't seem like a very good idea. I'm an English teacher, but I only teach professionals at their offices. I remember my first class with this one group back in October 2012. I saw one of my students and I was completely attracted to him, physically. Back then I just thought he was eye candy during class, basically because I was still in love with my ex and then we got back together for about a month. Right when I broke up with my ex again this one student started hitting on me big time. Nobody except him was in class yet, so we were just chatting like we never did before, I swear I felt as if I was at a bar with this guy. He told me he wanted to take me out for Italian food, I said I was not going to do it cause I'm his teacher. He immediately said he'd wait until the course is over (in about 7 months from then). I was trying to avoid the whole situation because I knew I shouldn't be doing those things, but then he asked for my number and I didn't even think about it, I just gave it to him. And that's when all the story began.

 

He kept texting me all the time, I'd reply every now and then. Two days later we had our next class, and after class he gave me a ride home. He kissed me goodbye on the lips and my brain just shut down. I got the hell outta his car as fast as I could.

 

That weekend he texted me and asked me to go to his place. I kept making up excuses not to see him and not to get involved with him. He kept telling me things, trying to persuade me. He even asked me to sleep over. I kinda freaked out cause I knew what was coming and I didn't exactly want that at that point. I passed on his offer. But over the next week he kept texting me, flirting with me, I flirted back. He kissed me on the elevator even though there were cameras in it, he pinched my cheek and acted totally sweet. I couldn't believe I was slowly giving in to his silly game (needless to say, I just turned 23 and he's 31, so he knows what works I guess, even though I don't usually fall for this type of things).

 

After that week, he texted me early in the morning on Saturday and he invited me over to his place again. I accepted the invitation, and a couple hours later I saw myself at the lobby of the classy building where he lives. I wanted to run away cause I felt so dirty doing that, but at the same time the whole idea of getting with my hot, rich student was so arousing I just went up to his apartment. The sex was pretty good, but when we were not doing it, it just felt awkward. We didn't have much to talk about, obviously we didn't cuddle or rubbed each other. I was happy at that because I didn't have any feelings for him and I knew it wouldn't screw up our relationship during class.

 

It was my birthday the following weekend, then Christmas and finally New Years, so I didn't see him all that time. We did talk a few times during those days but I kinda tried to avoid him.

 

Last week classes started again after all the holidays. And he started to talk to me again and I kinda went with it cause I must admit it, I missed his face. Yesterday, he invited me over again and I went to see him. This time everything was different. He was so happy to see me at the door, he laid a sweet kiss on my lips but I didn't respond too well to that, so it kinda messed his brain haha. This time he pretty much begged me to get closer to him, he rubbed me, kissed me, smiled at me and it made me feel so much more comfortable. The sex was amazing, and when we were just lying on the bed he would get on his side and make me get on my side too so we could talk and see each other. We laughed so much and had a great time. We saw a movie and then some UFC fights.

 

Now I'm left puzzled because I feel like I might be developing some feelings for him. I don't feel I'm falling in love with him or anything, but I feel the need to get more of him. It's such a struggle because I'm gonna be teaching him for the next 6 months. I don't know if it's such a terrible thing to sleep with your teacher/student in other countries, but here where I live it's pretty taboo so I feel quite bad with myself, especially cause I can't really talk about it with anyone. I don't know if I should slowly try to get to know him better, or even sleep with him again; or if I should totally avoid seeing him again out of class. The problem is that now I feel pretty attracted to him, not only physically but because I actually laugh and have a good time with him.

 

I don't know what to do. Thoughts please.

[findingmeandyou]

This is a tough one.

 

There are so many crappy people out there, so it's nice when you meet someone with whom you click. This guy is flattering you so much that I'm sure he's got a good hold on your head.

 

But the question of the appropriateness of your relationship must be asked.

 

Can you actually do your job well if you carry this on?

 

Most important, what happens if someone finds out? Are you specifically prohibited from this behavior in your job?

 

If your job would be at risk, you have your answer.

[ConservativeM]

It is quite possible to have professional relation and personal relation with same person at parallel. You should be very careful that both should not mess up. It is not easy but possible. Your relationship has started from professional relation and slowly turning into personal. The other side, first, it was physical attraction which is gradually changing into emotional.

I feel there are several example of such relationship which is very successful. It requires maturity from both ends to carry such relationship. The most important factor is how your student perceives this relationship. Never get obsessed by his social status and financial status. He must pursue the relationship with same seriousness and honesty. Have you ever try to find out his mindset about his relationship? You must be very clear that finally what short of relationship you are looking for and whether he also looking for same type of relationship. You must access other compatibility with him.

I suggest you can go ahead with such relationship but a clear line must be drawn between the professional and personal life. Both of you must respect this line honestly without any pressure.

[hmb]

If your job would be at risk, you have your answer.

 

I agree with this... don't risk your job. If he can't respect that, that's no good...

[Vegetable]

Let's see. Even though I'm only 23 I must say I'm pretty mature. I had my last serious relationship with a man who is 36 years old, divorced with a 9 year old daughter. I learned a lot with him. Now, I, by no means, would mess things up professionally because of my personal relationship with my student. I had a secret crush on him before he even flirted with me and I managed it just fine, of course it's not the same thing now. One of the good things about my job is that I do not grade exams, so I know he's not sleeping with me to get a grade or some kind of benefit. As a matter of fact, I told him yesterday we should practice and he rejected the offer, he said it's not the right time for that.

 

In my teacher's handbook, there's nothing about dating students or co-workers. However, it is recommended to establish a clear communication with students so that they don't make any schedule changes or cancellations directly with the teacher (this is prohibited, changes or cancellations should be done directly with any of my supervisors). So I have no problems there.

 

About my student's intentions... Right now I feel like all he's looking for is sex. Or at least that's what I thought after the first time we did it. There was no connection at all, our conversations were empty and awkward and I just felt awkward next to him overall. However, after yesterday's encounter, I felt he was more attracted to me than before. He wanted to feel me closer, he took me more into consideration, he wanted to talk, we joked and laughed, we both enjoy watching UFC fights which is awesome and I just felt so good next to him. I know this is super cheesy, but he was watching Superman when I got to his place. I heard some silly line on the movie and I rolled my eyes and told him it was so stupid, he then hugged me and told me he wanted to be my Superman (lol). We are both enjoying sex together, I don't think he's planning to have a relationship with me, at least not right now.

 

And now that I've kinda answered my own question, I've realized I don't know how to get closer to him without looking desperate, needy or in love.

[itsallgrand]

This being an issue at all was why I was very unimpressed with getting early twenty something teachers in high school. It always ended up being an uncomfortable situation - sex and dramatics in class.

 

I remember specifically asking our principal to be transferred to another teacher other than a twenty something woman because I felt it impacted my learning - and not to toot my own horn, but I was/am gifted.

 

Maybe you should teach only women if this is an issue for you. Seriously. Pick one or the other - being a professional, or bringing sex into your job.

 

I know this is harsh but maybe you need it. It doesn't take a teacher to know that this is unprofessional as hell. And maybe you think you are so good that other students don't notice - but trust me, they notice.

[Vegetable]

This being an issue at all was why I was very unimpressed with getting early twenty something teachers in high school. It always ended up being an uncomfortable situation - sex and dramatics in class.

 

I remember specifically asking our principal to be transferred to another teacher other than a twenty something woman because I felt it impacted my learning - and not to toot my own horn, but I was/am gifted.

 

Maybe you should teach only women if this is an issue for you. Seriously. Pick one or the other - being a professional, or bringing sex into your job.

 

I know this is harsh but maybe you need it. It doesn't take a teacher to know that this is unprofessional as hell. And maybe you think you are so good that other students don't notice - but trust me, they notice.

 

Sadly, I can't ask to have only female students lol. I teach managers, specialists and area directors of large national and multinational companies and as sexist as it is, most of them are males. I teach groups of 6 people tops, so we use a very friendly and close approach.

 

I know it is very unprofessional, which is why I didn't want to get closer to him and I even criticized co-workers who did this. However, if you were a teacher and if you taught grown ups (none of my students are below 30) you would understand that sometimes you can't but feel attracted to one of them.

 

Also, this isn`t high school, or college thanks though.

[buddha55]

Just go with the. Flow and don't shut him down so much!! Sounds like you're over thinking things.

[itsallgrand]

Sadly, I can't ask to have only female students lol. I teach managers, specialists and area directors of large national and multinational companies and as sexist as it is, most of them are males. I teach groups of 6 people tops, so we use a very friendly and close approach.

 

I know it is very unprofessional, which is why I didn't want to get closer to him and I even criticized co-workers who did this. However, if you were a teacher and if you taught grown ups (none of my students are below 30) you would understand that sometimes you can't but feel attracted to one of them.

 

Also, this isn`t high school, or college thanks though.

 

I know..I was being a smart azz.

 

The point is you have a choice between being professional or chasing c/k. It's not any more difficult than that.

 

I'm not a teacher - but I work with grown ups. Most of us do. And I do understand that sometimes, you encounter someone you find physically attractive.

 

What you do about it is what either separates you from the rest, or will lump you with the very common to the point of cliche group who dip into the work environment sex pool.

 

You could always wait until you are not working with him.....too easy??

[capilot]

The taboo against student-teacher relationships is about power. A teacher who hold power over her students cannot be in an equal relationship with them. If your students are children, or need a grade from you to graduate, or there's some other significant power differential, then a relationship would be inappropriate.

 

If the students are more properly your peers, e.g. the same age as you and only taking the class as an adult education sort of thing, then the dynamic is different, and personally I don't see much wrong with it other than the risk of having it go south and interfering with your ability to teach the class.

[catfeeder]

What would this guy lose if he failed the class? Or, what does he have to gain by a good grade?

 

His disregard (and yours) for your career raises a red flag. I could see waiting until after the program then boinking your brains out--but the fact that he's come on so strong so early leads me to wonder if he's manipulating you for a reason.

 

When you think of all the time, effort and educational hurdles you've had to master in order to get your job, it would be a shame to throw that all away for a guy with his own agenda.

 

THINK.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

What would this guy lose if he failed the class? Or, what does he have to gain by a good grade?

 

His disregard (and yours) for your career raises a red flag. I could see waiting until after the program then boinking your brains out--but the fact that he's come on so strong so early leads me to wonder if he's manipulating you for a reason.

 

When you think of all the time, effort and educational hurdles you've had to master in order to get your job, it would be a shame to throw that all away for a guy with his own agenda.

 

THINK.

 

I agree. First of all things, consider the consequences. If the consequences are insignificant, then go for the relationship. If there is a great risk in having a relationship, then I would suggest waiting until you have finished teaching him.

[catfeeder]

I agree. First of all things, consider the consequences. If the consequences are insignificant, then go for the relationship. If there is a great risk in having a relationship, then I would suggest waiting until you have finished teaching him.

 

Yep. He's already got you on camera kissing in the elevator. If he does poorly in the class, he can cry foul, and you'll likely be out of a job with a rep that harms your chances for other work in the field.

[Jig210]

I'd say nothing is really wrong with it at the moment, but you probably do need to set up some rules for yourself and draw some lines. Whether this goes south or not because of this comment you made

 

I know it is very unprofessional, which is why I didn't want to get closer to him and I even criticized co-workers who did this. However, if you were a teacher and if you taught grown ups (none of my students are below 30) you would understand that sometimes you can't but feel attracted to one of them.

 

Because you are young and attractive, you will have many of these students hitting on you in the future. This really doesn't matter with the age either, you'll always have students young and old that will find the role you are in and you attractive. Its the other way around to, you'll always find some attractive and may be more than willing.

[buddha55]

I'm not sure what kind of teacher or program you are involved in... In my experience, there were no rules against any relationships between teachers and students. One teacher had our whole "conversation" class over to his house! (7 students) I also kissed two of the teachers when I saw them on nights out not a big deal

[Vegetable]

What would this guy lose if he failed the class? Or, what does he have to gain by a good grade?

 

His disregard (and yours) for your career raises a red flag. I could see waiting until after the program then boinking your brains out--but the fact that he's come on so strong so early leads me to wonder if he's manipulating you for a reason.

 

When you think of all the time, effort and educational hurdles you've had to master in order to get your job, it would be a shame to throw that all away for a guy with his own agenda.

 

THINK.

 

Yes, I took all those things into consideration. He has a lot more to lose than I do if people found out, so I know he won't say anything. But we are both adults and even though we decided to sleep together despite our student-teacher relationship we are quite mature and serious. As a matter of fact, two days ago we had class and nobody else but him showed up. That class lasts for 3 hours and not a single time did he (or I) made a sexual comment or flirted.

 

Also, he knows I don't grade exams, and he knows I have no power whatsoever on making him pass the course.

 

I know he's not manipulating me in any way, we are just attracted to each other physically.

[PaintWithLight]

The whole teacher/student thing should have been enough for you to give this a pass. But you didn't. So that will either blow up or remain under cover. The other huge issue is the caliber of guy you allowed yourself to get involved with.

 

You write that you were cautious and conflicted but you seemed to crumble quite quickly. He had you pegged from the start and as he sensed from the first time he saw you, you ended up going to his place for sex in record time. (After he began to pursue you, you were in bed with him in about 3 weeks, despite your protests). You have to understand that men do not make such a wide open, aggressive play for a woman unless he already has her confirmed as booty call material. At 23, he spun your head and got you in bed. You saw him as eye-candy but he saw you are fruit on a plate.

 

Where do you go from here? You have to continue to teach him but it will become more and more clear over the weeks that you are a booty call. How are you going to deal when he cuts off the attention or gets involved with another woman. There didn't ever seem to be a discussion on where this was headed or how you would end it if it got too complicated. You just jumped aboard the NSA train. Physical attraction alone is not always enough of an indication that you should get intimate with someone. How is this going to end well for you?

[HeartGoesOn]

He has a lot more to lose than I do if people found out, so I know he won't say anything.

 

Don't be so sure of that!