hmb

...oh and one last thing: When we were in mid-BU and you said you loved me, but were not in love with me... and then told me you knew you wanted a man like me to be the father of your children, because you knew what a good father I would be... did you think that would make me feel better?? Good lord all it was like twisting the knife.

I've been thinking more and more about our relationship... I know I've told you this, but in my last relationship I was unhappy... I knew after 4-5 months it was not going to work between us, and I knew nothing would ever grow, we just weren't right for each other. I didn't have the heart to just end it and walk away from her, so I tried to let her down gently and put distance between us, I thought she would eventually see what I saw about us, and we'd grow more distant and eventually it would just fade... I was honest about it, I told her I didn't think we were right for each other. I would act distant, I would not make dates with her for days on end, we stopped being physical... I don't know maybe what I did was more cruel then helpful, but she would get so upset over the idea of it ending, telling me she needed to stay friends with me, that I'd think OK, we'll just go out a few more times as friends, she's getting into a better place and realizing that this isn't really a relationship anymore, it will end... But, she couldn't accept it, and I finally had to just tell her point blank that it was over, and that I couldn't see her anymore because she couldn't let us go until I did... So coming from that situation I knew how difficult it was to be the one who wasn't happy, with a partner who was. I was sensitive to that with you, I never wanted you to be in the position of being unhappy with me, but feeling unable to just end it. I vividly remember a few times where there was doubt, and me asking you if you 'weren't happy and wanted to end it, but couldn't bare to do it'--and you always said no, that wasn't it, you wanted to be with me... I trusted you that you were telling me the truth. Five years we were together... Your parents were both divorced twice and I knew you had a long and difficult previous relationship... so when you would have your moments of doubts I tried to be loving and patient ... I never put pressure on you. The moments would seem to pass in a day and you'd make me think you felt badly or silly for having felt/acted that way, or you'd blame it on being moody from your cycle. So you see why I never thought that these doubts were serious or acted on by putting pressure on you about them... I trusted you, that you were telling me the truth. At the end of our relationship you said to me that you "had felt this way, 'doubtful, and unhappy' for a long time"... I just can't get over how many opportunities we had where you could have brought your doubts to me--When we first moved in together in with your old roommate... When we searched for a place of our own outside the city... When we bought the engagement ring... When you decided you didn't like your mothers diamond and we bought the second engagement ring stone... When we were searching for a house to start a family in for months on end, and finally bought one... When your therapist suggested I start attending sessions so we could work on communicate our needs and feelings better (wow good golly *** and why not there!!!!!!!!!?)... Or how about after you said we didn't need therapy anymore and you started finally wearing the engagement ring (after 2 years) and we announced to the family?... Or maybe Summer of 2011 when we just stopped looking at venues, but never really said anything about why, just that you were too busy to look... Or Winter of 2011 when we were buying furniture for the house together... You never really told me that you were having doubts about us and that they were strong enough that you wanted to end the relationship. I trusted you, that you would tell me if you were. Look at all those events over five years... What was I supposed to think about us? Was that the path a relationship that is not working takes? I was so worried about starting therapy, but then it seemed to go well enough, I thought we were doing better... I guess not... but I trusted you, that you tell me, share with me that you had problems. Well, it turns out those moments of doubt were not just passing, that you were not happy. You kept that truth from me until our 5 year mark when you blind-sided me by leaving. You didn't offer me any chance--You had made up your mind and you left... except there were questions and doubts you caused in me... because while your actions in leaving were clear, your words to me weren't-- You made me feel like there was a chance, like you were thinking it over. You kept saying let's see how it is after a couple of days. Or maybe we need a couple of months apart. Or maybe six months. You said you thought you'd "regret this" one day. After you got your new place about 4 weeks out from the BU we met up for breakfast the weekend after your move out, I was so afraid but I was also hopeful we could keep trying... you shut it down at the end of the "date", and I realized that you didn't even what that date to happen, so why did you invite me or let me come up there? Why did you keep saying to me that you might "regret this" when referring to the BU? Did you think saying or doing these things would make me feel better? What you did there isn't like what I did--I was honest with my last relationship, I never made her think there was a chance. I would have done anything for you to make you happy, even though we all have flaws, and I knew many of yours both physical and mental, I honestly did not care about any of them with you, you were perfect to me... and although we'd sometimes not agree on everything, the reality is that you did win, and would have kept always winning, every argument with me--forever--if you just had a little patience to work at me. If I had known how serious things were bothering you were I would have done just about anything... gone to counseling for just myself, seen doctors, anything... I would have tried to change any of the things about me that you didn't like--and before you say you didn't ever want to "change me", just consider how much I did change since first knew each other--change isn't bad, change can also be called growth. But in the end you didn't give me the chance to grow any further because you never told me how bad it was for you, you let it come to a head... Looking back, there were so many warning signs... In the beginning when you had so much trouble saying you loved me at first... all your moments of doubt where I let you convince me they were just passing... when you wouldn't wear the ring we picked out for nearly 2 years (oy, how did I ever convince myself to accept that!!?!), when you stopped looking at venues in Summer 2011... but I was so in love with you that I couldn't see any of these for what they were, and even if I did, I wouldn't accept them as the harsh realities they were and as reasons I should pulled away from you... I think they just made me try harder, be more patient... I was willing to wait for you to be ready. I wish we would have worked on the things about "us" that bothered you this much. I know the physical stuff was lacking between us--it wasn't that it wasn't good, because it was clear it was good for both of us... it's just that it wasn't frequent enough for you... and that just kills me, it really does, because I know that was almost entirely my fault. I let work and stress get in the way, I let old habits interfere with and dull that part of our relationship... I didn't realize how badly it was affecting you (us)... Even we recognized the problem, we never worked on it. We should have seen a therapist, maybe you offered at some point but I was too macho to agree... When it was ending between us I admitted my old habits to you and I wish you would have agreed to work on it with me, to try again on it... I could understand if I had promised it would be different before, but then it wasn't... but we had never even really dug into the issue... this is such a huge regret for me I can't even stand it. You said in your recent email to me that "I hope you don't hate me", and the truth is that I don't hate you... but I am angry with you... I'm angry because in the end you made a unilateral decision to leave and you didn't even try to give us a 2nd chance fix it, you just left. You had held back your true feelings all that time, and when we both admitted the things we had held back from each other, that was the point we should have tried to work it out. We had been together 5 years. I think 5 years deserved another chance. You were off and on again with your last guy, so why not me? Why couldn't you have decided after 3 or 6 months that we should give it another go? You told me in a letter you had wanted to call me so many times, why didn't you? What stopped you? I know you say you think of me often, but do you miss me? What do you think about when you think about me--is it regrets for leaving? Regrets for not leaving sooner? Longing for a second chance? Relief over leaving? Are you dating now? Are you in a new relationship? Are you happier?