Saying NO to Just Friends - Does anything come next?

[auggie]

After a 4 year relationship, we've been mostly NC for a year. I got a recent breadcrumb (in the form of a call) from him saying Happy New Year & asking how I've been. We chatted for a while till I got the nerve to ask why he was calling & what he wanted from me and he said he wants to be friends. I'm pretty sure he has a gf though he wouldn't say when I asked.

 

I told him I can't be just friends because I still have feelings for him.

 

Can anyone who has declined the 'just friends' offer tell me if they've ever heard from the ex again after that. I'm wondering if he'll call or text again. I can't see why he would but can't stop wondering if he will.

 

Of course I know everybody's different, but I sure would like to hear some of your experiences

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Some of them keep trying to worm their way back in for their own selfish reasons. Hopefully he won't try to get back in touch with you unless it is to try again. Anything else is just meaningless scraps and you deserve better than that. Often people who play it that way will not talk about their new relationship because they want to be able to play the ex and keep the ex hopeful..it feeds their ego. If they are honest about the fact that they are seeing someone new then they can no longer play the game which panders to their ego.

[auggie]

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

 

So from what you've said, he called to pump up his own self-worth & not because he was thinking about & missing me. Bummer, but I think you're right. How lucky for him to know someone out there loves him & thinks he's the greatest.

[MapleCanuck]

In a guy and 100% agree with crazy about dogs!

 

I broke up with my recent ex because she allowed guys like this to stay in her life. They wanted validation from her! She had a guy who wanted to meet alone with a guy who clearly wanted to hook up and didn't respect our relationship.

 

You're emotionally honest. Drop this guy. He wants validation and most likely sex on the side of given the opportunity. He is hiding his relationship from you and probably hiding his communication with you from his current gf. Just be glad that you're not his gf who is in the dark about him.

Heal and remove all opportunity for him to contact you.

[One day]

Hi auggie,

 

I'm sorry but have to agree with what other people have said, some people have the need to get their emotions stoked by ex's when feeling a bit sorry for themselves, take my ex her mantra was that she was "friends" with all her ex's and she sure was. I remember seen a text from one of ex's saying "hi baby hope you have a great day xxxxx" ***! Needless to say I'm her one unique ex who has not had contact or the friends tag weighed round my neck.

[MapleCanuck]

Hey One Day! I'm with you.

 

I actually told my ex that I wouldn't be another guy friend when I broke up with her. I didn't need her validation and have too much respect for myself to be another "guy friend" texting while horny at 2AM. Some women are emotionally weak and lie to themselves and their partners.

[One day]

MapleCanuk,

 

I hear you my friend, she last contacted me last August late at night looking for connection, I ignored but did reply the next morning as I have manners. Felt terrible at the time as I looked at it as a chance to reconnect with her........the truth though was that she and the guy she left me for had temporary split (well he had disappeared from her friends list on FB that very night she contacted me) so yes dodged the bullet of reconnecting with her to be cast aside when he came back.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

 

So from what you've said, he called to pump up his own self-worth & not because he was thinking about & missing me. Bummer, but I think you're right. How lucky for him to know someone out there loves him & thinks he's the greatest.

 

The problem is that these people are never truly happy. They are not happy with their new partner yet they weren't happy with the one they dumped either because they are not happy within themselves..they seek outside validation and need multiple people to "fight for their attention" because then it makes them feel desired. They are not capable of true love because they are too busy grasping at whoever will feed their own emotional needs.

[One day]

Your so right Crazyaboutdogs, nail on the head

 

It's a real shame I guess for these type of people, but what they never think about is the trail of broken hearts they leave in their wake, looking for that perfect fix of love.

[MapleCanuck]

What these people don't realize is that the good opportunity are passing them by. I have no doubt my ex has slept with at least a few of these guys after me, which is her business, however; she will always know that I'm the one guy who refused to fight for her attention and was the only one who was willing to be 100% faithful and committed. I picture her being the old lady in titanic wondering what if.

 

There are good people out there and in off to find one. Good luck people.

[lavenderdove]

Oh yes, i have one ex who comes back again and again and again....

 

But CrazyAboutDogs is correct in terms of their motivation for doing this. they want attention and admiration and possibly no strings sex on the side.

 

But the truth is that he just wants what he wants and couldn't care less about the impact of his behavior on others. My ex is incapable of staying faithful to anyone, and he keeps re-appearing hoping i will change my mind and agree to see him, when he has no intentions of offering me what i want and need (a faithful and steady partner).

 

I have rejected him so many times, but he just waits it out a while hoping i'll sofen up and change my mind then he's back again. And he keeps coming back even though he is MARRIED to someone else. I basically kick him in the teeth and tell him he made his choice and he is married so he needs to live with that and not expect me to be there for him and/or cheat with him! Then he disappears for a while and pops back up later, a month, 6 months, and even a year or more later...

 

I tried to be polite in my rejections for a while but it never worked so after MANY rounds of him trying to weasel his way back into my life, i finally just brutally kicked him to the curb so to speak and told him to never contact me again and that we would never be friends, too late, too much water over the dam, if you miss me go cry on your wife's shoulder and leave me alone! I think this one will stick because i was absolutely brutal in my communication with him, but then, it's only a few months since his last attempt, who knows, i may hear from him in a couple years as if nothing happened... he is just ruthless in his own self interest, and some people are just like that, they will keep coming around, though they are never going to offer you what you want or need.

 

So you did the absolutely right thing. If he wanted a relationship with you, it would take him two seconds to pick up the phone and offer that to you, but he's not interested in that. So as long as he is not interested in giving you what you want and need, do not agree to anything less from him. And know that if he REALLY wanted you, he'd agree to your terms and be your BF again, but he's just not doing that, so what is the point of communication with him then? No point to it, just wastes your time and stirs you up for nothing!

[auggie]

 

He is hiding his relationship from you and probably hiding his communication with you from his current gf. Just be glad that you're not his gf who is in the dark about him.

 

Yes, and what a shame because I didn't see him that way when we first met. I fell for him because he was attentive & honest. Now he's just another liar. I know I should be thankful, but part of me will always remember the way he WAS over the way he IS.

[lavenderdove]

You need to stop fantasizing about the way he WAS and focus on the fact that he IS a liar. You can't just separate out the parts of a person that you love and ignore the fact that he is also a liar. You only cause yourself pain if you keep trying to remember who you THOUGHT he was and want that person back. He's both people, that nice person, but he's also a liar and you know that now so need to focus on that and accept that relationship would never give you want you need because you can't eliminate that part of him that is a liar and doesn't want you anymore.