What NOT to ask a person about themselves?

[dog stevens]

So I recently read How to Win Friends and Influence People and there was a section on being genuinely interested in people. My question is, what's the difference between showing genuine interest in a friendly manner and taking things too far and delving too much into their private lives?

[Trinity11]

I guess it depends on how well you know them, their culture (ie what you may consider ok to ask an American it is not considered polite to ask a Frenchman or Swede, ie their name or what they do for work)

I find the best way to get around this sometimes is to simply ask if you may ask. That way they are not put on the spot to answer something they are uncomfortable with.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think the point the book was trying to make was to be genuinely interested in people, as opposed to only showing interest to make them interested in you. See the difference?

 

People (we all) can tell when someone asks about your day, whether it's rhetorical (think, "it's going fine"), phony (think used car salesman), or...genuine.

[Kamisaur]

Ask questions you definitely want the answer to. If a question makes the person seem hesitant or uncomfortable, say 'never mind, you don't have to answer that' and feel for a person's boundaries.

 

Certain topics like politics, religion, or sore topics (divorce, job termination, etc) should obviously be avoided in most formal settings. But, everything can be talked about if both parties seem interested and are tactful.

[mfan]

Good question: "How's your week going so far"?

 

Bad question: "Do you think God wanted the Republicans to make your company fire you before your divorce even though you had cancer?"

[mhowe]

So I recently read How to Win Friends and Influence People and there was a section on being genuinely interested in people. My question is, what's the difference between showing genuine interest in a friendly manner and taking things too far and delving too much into their private lives?

 

You are not allowed to ask a Frenchmen or a Swede their name? How on earth do you start a conversation?

[abitbroken]

Go with the conversation. Ask people to elaborate about what they are already talking about. "My son made the basketball team." "That's great, what grade is he in?" not "Guess what? *I* was on the basketball team when I was his age and I was the star!" I don't think the book is telling you to randomly start a convo with a stranger.

[blueidealist24]

Don't grill people on their past relationship history or sexual history. That one should be obvious, but some people seem to not know. Ex. One time this girl I just met in college was like "Are you a virgin? I really want to lose my virginity since I'm at college, so I'm looking for any guy who'll do me! What about you?" Then her friend was like "Don't ask a total stranger that!" I didn't end up answering..

[BritterSweet]

Do not ask something that puts them on the defensive. Like "Why are {group the person is a part of} so {stereotypical trait}?"

[pl3asehelp]

This is an impossible task - you're not genuinely interested, you're pretending to be interested for the purpose of winning a friend or influencing a person. All that book teaches is how to manipulate and use others to your benefit.

[Trinity11]

You are not allowed to ask a Frenchmen or a Swede their name? How on earth do you start a conversation?

 

I lived with a Swede and met up with a Frenchman who was telling me a few idiosyncrasies.

Its more like they just don't mention their name. Like if i went to my Swedish friends house and her friend or mum was there, they wouldn't introduce us and the mother/friend wouldn't necessarily ask for my name. She said that when she moved to London, people always thought she was rude because she was just doing what was the norm back home.

 

The Frenchman told me that the book "Sixty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong: Why We Love France but Not the French" was fairly correct. Names and what you do for a job could be considered rude because they may not have a name or job they are proud of, or not work at all. A delicate topic for some.

But politics and other heated topics are perfectly fine.

 

I guess you start the conversation like you are speaking with a friend who's name you already know. About life, events, activities etc.