mug23 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Hello all! This is my first post so please take it easy on me as I'm already stressed about the situation i'm currently in. Anyways, I'll try to make the story as short as possible and get to the point. My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years now. We are not married. She's 24 and I'm 40. We met through her father as her father likes to do auto racing and that's what I do for my interest as a part-time race car driver. We met in Utah and after I have been with her for 1 year, she moved to Boston with me as this is where my family is located. She wanted to move out of Utah because she hated that place and always wanted to live in a big city and Boston seems to fill her bill nicely. When we met at first, I'm not sure if I was totally in love with her as it was more of a companionship for me as I was a bit lonely there. I know this is bad, at that time, it is what I wanted. Now fast forward 5 year to this date, we have 2 children. 1 is 3 yrs and the other 1 half yrs. We both love our children very much now but as first the child was born, she told me that she couldn't connect with him at all but I was so emotional attached with my first child, that I neglected our relationship where I wasn't giving her the attention she wanted. She's a very very affectionate person and that actually make it worst. We had fights and during that time, I somewhat hated to even be near her and felt so disconnected from her that I just didn't wanted to even touch her. Now, 2 years later, we had out second child. From there on, the relationship just even have got worst since we both are so busy taken care of the children and work plus she eventually when back to school full time during the evenings and took care of the kids during the day time. This really really put a toll on her and out sex live has even got worst. She's also a very sexual person and she did complaint to me that we don't have enough sex and it was causing her problem where she feel sick if she don't have sex. I don't know why I totally ignored her wants and desires and just went about working on my race car like it was my lover. So, the past year, I found out from her that she was cheating on me not just once but many many times. She said that she had to do it to satisfy her sexual desires and she though that after she had sex, she can now focus on me and the family again. The last person that she cheated with still talk right now. She told me that they have decided that they cannot be together as the situation and circumstance between them will not work out. Also, that guy is like 29 and he's a classical musician just starting out and starting a new career. Therefore, she didn't want to ruin his chances of this new career if she was to stick with him. Also, she didn't want to leave the 2 kids, therefore, they are just friends. For me, this is something that makes me very jealous and it causes a big rage for me. I did ask her to stop talking to him but she refused and said that they are just good friends. Since her cell phone is part of my cell phone plan, I have the ability to block him from texting or calling her. I just wanted no other influences from that source as we are trying to make things work. Now that we are still living together right now. Her last "lover" cannot take her in as I got so pissed that I was kicking her out of the house but I couldn't because she has no place to go to. She said that she still loves me deep inside and loves the family but she lost all her intimacy with me. She said that she tries to bring that bad but she couldn't. As a matter of fact, she said if she starts to think of being intimate with me, she feels sick. Does this mean that she has completely lost me? If we are to give ourselves some time and do the family thing together as a happy family, would that intimacy ever come back to her for her to love me again like it was before all this cheating happening? We did try and had sex once to see how it goes but she still feels there nothing inside of her for me. Does all these years of neglected attention for me from me actually broke something inside of her feelings? I realized all the mistakes that I did and I felt so bad. I really want to work it out with her and I'm in the process of trying to fix some of the mistakes I did before by not giving her the attention and needs she wanted. We are seeing a counselor right now but to me, it seems it's not helping. I really do love her very very much and I don't want to lose her. What can I do or what should I do at this point? Should I just go about trying to make the best as a father of my children and be happy as long as she's willing to work it out? She mention that she may want to sleep in a separate room as I'm bit on the impatient side of things. I really want a happy family and a happy lover. Would time ever can fix this? PLEASE HELP!!! Thank you all for reading. Link to comment
FrenchFries Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Have you suggested or tried couples therapy? Would she be willing to try? Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 It seems that the two of you had a mediocre start and it went downhill fast. The most unfortunate thing is there are now two children involved. You seem like you've always wanted her more as a companion. She wants more sex than you are comfortable providing. She has had multiple affairs. She's not interested in stopping her affairs or contact with past lovers and has lost all attraction for you. I'm sorry, but I don't see much here to salvage. Link to comment
mug23 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 Thank you all for your reply. We have gone to couple therapy and it seems like it doesn't work. I don't think I mention above that I was the first person whom she has had a man and I think she's really want to look for more experiences. I also think that by her crossing that line, it somewhat give a taste of what it's like with different people and now she can't stop. The one problem we have here is that she keeps saying that I owe her and she deserves to have time to stay with me until she can get onto her feet. I think that once the relationship is broken up, I don't own her anything at all. I know she has no place to go to and she trying desperately to have me support her until she can get on her feet, but I'm not falling for that. What do you guys think of that? Do I own her anything after she wants to break up? She also wants to have her own place to live, come by my place to put the kids to bed anytime she has the time to do so and if it's too late, she wants to stay the night. What does she think? This is a hotel for her to stay anytime she wants to? I don't know, I just do want to be taking advantage of. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Well, I guess it never hurts to ask. That doesn't mean you should give it to her. You're not married. And you "owe" her a place to stay...I assume you make all or most of the household income? Who would you consider the primary caregiver for the children right now? You? She wants to stop by your place to see the kids, so does she want future custody of them at all? It's sounding like you have a third child here. Link to comment
mug23 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 Yes, I'm the sole financial provider for the family. I think she finally realized that it was a mistake for her to have the kids at her age and this is preventing her to achieve certain goal she wants to do. I mean I shouldn't say preventing but it will slow her down. Also, she mention to me before that she wish she was older and that she have gone through all the wild party stage of her life and this type of situation wouldn't have happened. I think she just want to end whatever is left and to start fresh again this time by herself doing her own thing. I don't know what to say, she just had enough of this type of settled down life and wants to have fun right now!!! Link to comment
f1r3f1y3 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 It doesn't sound like you respect yourself much. Think about when your kids grow up and have relationships of their own. What if this happened to one of them? What advice would you give them? It's really tricky because you have 2 very young kids but I'd get her out the house immediately, and I'd be keeping the kids in the meantime (this is, in fact exactly what I did). Link to comment
mug23 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Thank you all for your replies. We have come to a conclusion that we are going to work it out. We bot love our kids and we both want a strong family. Since also what we have gone through of this experience, we both learned each other even much more and respect each other. She mention that all those things she did is totally not worth at the cause of the family and each others love. Therefore, we are going to seek and find a suitable couple therapy to help us understand what has happened and help us grow stronger. I'm hoping for a happy ending here as I know truthfully that she's not that kind of person but at that time, she was the most confused person ever. Link to comment
mug23 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Share Posted March 6, 2014 Well, almost a year and a half now from the last post and this is a update on my situation. We are both doing very well and from all this happening from previously that our love for each other has been even stronger. She has come to realized that I'm the real thing and I did stuck with her even through all this those past tough times. I'm now able to give her the time for her to do her own thing at the same time and the affection she desires plus allow me to have time to do my own things too. This is working out good. Yes, we did had a bit of ups and downs but right now, it's not as bad as before. I'm hoping that this will continue and build our relationship to full strength again. Link to comment
lerenard Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 First of all - you don't owe her anything. You are not married and she clearly has no respect for you. Her excuses and reasoning for cheating is full of sh*t. She wanted sex, and she wanted fun, she also considered being with her lover and leaving you, but then decided that he wont be able to support her financially like you do, so she stayed. I am very sorry for your two little ones, they are the only ones you owe something to. She was not interested in working it out 3 days ago and was ready to end it all and go have her youth again, and it seems to me she had reconsidered because she is using you as a provider, and she still keeps her lover(s), that is highly disrespectful. So she tells you she wants to work on things, and she sees her mistakes. Well, believe me, if she isn't mentally ill, she saw them just as clear as she does now when she was sleeping around with other men. I hope I am wrong and you will work it through. Good luck. Link to comment
mikem Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I think it's time to start thinking about moving on. Start working out a plan with a lawyer about custody of the kids. God bless.. Link to comment
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