Am I over reacting??

[Anderson Silva]

Can you guys please help me sort out this situation? She feels I'm over reacting and I feel she is completely disrespecting me. Here is the story:

 

I've been with my wife for three years. We've been in a relationship living together for the past two and a half years and just recently got married. We each have our own car and before we met she would put on an average of 10,000 km a year on her car and I would put on about 17,000 km on mine. However since we got together, my car has become the "go to" car for our common good, so much so that we kept her car parked at my parents residence for free and would use my car for running all our errands, some of the time dropping her off partially to work and for everything else. Basically, I've been putting on nearly 30,000 km on my car yearly since we met and last year she put on a couple of thousand km only on hers. Her car would come out maybe once a month for a few days. Now I understand my car is slightly better on fuel consumption and I need my car for commuting to work so I'm really okay with that extra milage. Over the years, I even let her use my car any time she wants for her purposes, visiting family/friends, hair appointments, shopping, whatever, it's all fine.

 

Well a year ago we both attempted to quit smoking. I succeeded and she didn't. To this day she smokes and I don't. I've learned to accept the fact that she's not going to quit any time soon by the looks of it but I asked her not to smoke in my car when she uses it because the smell lingers and there are ashes everywhere. It took me a long time to get my car not smelling like tobacco and I wanted to keep it that way. Well on two occasions I found the car with ashes and smoke smell lingering after she borrowed it so both times I reminded her that I don't want her to smoke in the car and she apologized and promised she wouldn't. Last time she did that I told her if she smokes in my car again I won't let her use it anymore. She promised she wouldn't.

 

Fast forward a couple of months to a month ago, my parents got into a serious car accident and their car was a write off. My dad was left without a car so I offered him to borrow mine since my wife agreed that I can use her car while he shops for a new car. My parents are so generous to us that's the least I figured I could do. So my dad sorted all out with insurance and bought a new car and it took three weeks during which time I was using my wife's car. After the three weeks I filled her car with gas and parked it back at where it's being stored and thanked her for the favor. Fast forward a couple of weeks to today, I hop in my car to grab a coffee and immediately I smell stale cigarette smoke. I look around and there are ashes on the dashboard and on the side console. Just yesterday she borrowed my car to go shopping. So I wrote her this text message: "I asked you not to smoke in my car a few times. You smoked in my car yesterday. The car not only smells but there are ashes all over the dash. From now on please use your own car. I'm not letting you borrow mine since you continue to smoke in here." She replied with "I was not smoking while driving. I was parked and had the door opened. It's very convenient for you to say that, but when you needed my car for 3 weeks I didn't say anything."

 

At this point I'm fuming. What difference does it make if the car is moving or not. There are ashes and it smells like smoke. I feel extremely offended how she can try to turn this around on me. Anyways, she thinks I'm over reacting and I think she's completely disrespecting me, especially by that text. What do you guys think? I could appreciate some outside perspectives pls.

[nutbrownhare]

One of the problems with smokers is that they don't realise how much they SMELL, especially to a non-smoker. Also, you're more likely to be sensitive to it because you've only recently quit. So she's probably oblivious to quite how foul it'll seem to you. I know I went through a phase where someone smoking in the vicinity made me feel really sick.

 

Whether or not she complained when you needed to use her car is completely irrelevant. You didn't leave anything in there that she'd find distasteful, did you? If she was parked, and had the door open, why couldn't she get out and have a smoke so that the smell didn't linger in the car?

 

This sounds as though there's more to it than the issue of smoking; it's more like a battle of wills. If I were you, I'd be very pleasant about it, but stick to your guns about using her own car if she wants to smoke. It's not as if you're being dictatorial about whether or not she smokes, and it's not as if there's only one car so that to deny her use of it would seriously affect her independence. Just arrange to move her own vehicle to a location where she can get at it easily, and then don't let her have access to your car keys. But do not make a big 'thing' about it, just be pleasant and polite. Let her know that you respect her right to smoke, that you've already asked that she doesn't do it somewhere you're going to be subject to the smell whenever you commute, and that you want to make sure she can get about when she needs to. Don't bring up lack of respect, over-reaction or anything else, just look at the practicalities.

 

Of course, this may not be about smoking in the car, but a passive-aggressive protest about something else going on within your relationship - and it might be an idea to look at that. When I first moved in with my now ex-partner, he wanted me to get rid of my car, but I refused. Then he started using it whenever he needed to drive anywhere (despite protesting that he hated it), and would change the radio station and various other settings that I favoured. So I stopped leaving my car keys out where he could get at them, and he was obliged to use his own vehicle. That whole scenario wasn't really about cars, and I don't think yours is, either.

[Pleasedonot5]

She is completely disrespecting you, after you had specifically told her not to do that to your car. As it is YOUR car and she has the privilege of using it, she should abide by the boundaries you set. Same goes with you and her car, but she tries to selfishly put you to blame when she's been using your car this whole time. In my opinion, you're not being too harsh, you're being honest and not letting her overstep the boundaries you set. Continue to be nice, obviously, but I believe you should stand firm for a while and have her use her own car if she's going to smoke in the car.

[iamkaylee]

Going with nutbrownhare. This isn't just about the car and smoking. You guys aren't communicating effectively.

 

It may be best for you two to agree to disagree and her to drive her own car from now on.