Do Walkaway Wives (spouses) ever find happiness?

[ZISIS1986]

My ex wife found other man before we have the discussion of divorce and she thought that i didn't know what was happening but guess i discovered all and when i spoke to her she was socked .

Specially when a woman fall in love don't think the consequences of her actions . The guy she was cheating me is a big trouble i ( drunk all day, junkie , no money , no car , problem with the police , hitting his exes e.t.c ) completely different than me .

I told her to be careful and not let him near to my child but she didn't believe me . After 3 weeks when she realize who was he (cause i give her the proves) she split the relationship with him .

She cant stay alone for a long time and still know i am sure that she is looking for other man just to feel secure .

I don't care anymore and believe me i don't want her back . I want to protect my child and will do everything to be sure that my child is safe.

she was a pride woman and know lose all her dignity for what ?

Nobody can suffer her because she is an unstable woman . She had a man like me who can give his life (metaphorically i gave) for her and he treated me like this .

After all i think that i don't deserve a woman who don't respect me and i move on , i don't care about her problems anymore i feel release,i take care of my self, i enjoy my life , i smile everyday and i am happy .

I am sure that i will find a woman who deserve my love ..

 

And really why you have to think or know if she will be happy or not ?

[ls88]

I have a question. Does the WAS/ WAW go on to find true happiness in their next relationship, or are there future relationships fraught with the same dysfunction?

 

Well there’s an abbreviation for everything. WAW, I have a couple of close GF’s that would fit into your category and I’m certain I would as well. Yes we have all left our husbands and filed for divorce to pursue other relationships. I'm amazed at how many women I know have done the same thing. True happiness? I would say for a while and then it’s on to the next.

 

Many WAW have narcissistic tendencies and thus, they need to have fuel for their egos. And, new relationships can give them the attention they are craving.

 

I’ll be the first to admit I’m extremely vain and narcissistic. And yes, I frequently need to feed my ego. I would guess many attractive women are narcissists.

 

So, if you know of any WAWs who went on to new relationships, how are those faring? I would think that while they are in the "honeymoon phase" they are going strong, but once the bloom falls off the rose & everyday ho-hum of the relationship sets in, they may in for a real shock.

 

Our new relationships have fared exactly as we wanted. The honeymoon period ends and we’re on to the next. That’s what we do. In fact, we’re constantly on the lookout for a replacement. I would say my honeymoon period normally lasts 3 to 6 months. And yes, I’m on to the next when the honeymoon phase is over.

[lavenderdove]

OK, first, be careful jumping on the bandwagon of catch phrases like WAW or WAS... human beings and marriages are complex and diverse and coining a phrase that demonizes the woman is mainly about selling books or a 'formula' for selling books or stereotype rather than looking at the individual cases.

 

also be careful about this: 'we victims of WAWs ' If you classify yourself as a victim, you become a victim and cease looking at the situation to your own advantage. You are far better casting yourself in the role of a survivor and someone who can adapt to life's change than a victim.

 

If she has been behaving in a horrible fashion towards you, then good riddance! You're only a victim if you continue to tolerate that treatment. So if a person has become horrible towards you, you should celebrate the fact that you are free rather than spending endless months or years obsessing about how evil your spouse was or how wrong they were to leave you.

 

The point is it is very common for an abandoned spouse to demonize their ex, whether that ex is a woman or a man, in order to feel better about themselves or to abdicate any responsibility for the breakup because their own self image won't tolerate the fact that they failed in a marriage (they meaning BOTH people together couldn't make it succeed) They are hurt, angry, resentful, depressed etc. over the dissolution of the relationship. So you need to focus on accepting that sometimes marriage just don't work and people want out, and it is legal to divorce so they do so. You need to focus on repairing YOU and getting your own life back rather than focusing on your EX and savaging her to make yourself feel better or trying to retrieve a wife who is showing all kinds of signs that they just are not interested anymore and intends to move on.

 

Far healthier to acknowledge that people can and do change and leave marriages if they are unhappy. And that you can and will be happy again and can find a new partner if you focus on that rather than a neverending quest to blame your spouse as evil for being unhappy in the marriage and leaving you. It is what it is, and in your best interest to think about YOU and repairing your life after divorce rather than focus on your ex and demonizing her.

[lady00]

I completely agree. I don't think it's helpful to get caught up in labels or to try to classify a breakup as though it were a medical or psychiatric syndrome. Yes, spouses who leave relationships do find love again. And so do those who are left. But the first step is putting the past where it belongs -- in the past, and beginning to enjoy your present life and focus on your own happiness rather than their happiness (or lack thereof).

[John Bendix]

I agree to a lot of what both lady and lavender have said.

 

If someone has been treating you horribly, it is best to stay away. The main problem with dealing with WAS is that the change in their demeanor and behavior is so radical. You see it as almost pyschotic. Even attempts to calm them down and reason with them is met with extreme hostile reaction not commensurate with the discussion at hand. Many intimate partners just want to help their mate at these times and these attempts are met with hostility.

 

As for the term WAS, it is lumping and catorgorizing. But the events, actions and demeanor of the Walkaways are so simiilar it seems surreal. The therapists I have interveiwed can tell what the other partner is about to say when explaining what has happeded to them. It is sounds almost scripted.

[nbr]

It sure does....

freaky how close what I'm reading here is to what I experienced.

-nbr

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Wow, ls88, thank you for your honesty & for sharing. From your post, it's hard to say if you/ your friends were WAS or just narcissistic. The WAS ends the marriage abruptly, usually without warning and most do NOT want counseling nor do they care if their spouses are agreeable to change. Many WAS survivors have tried everything to keep their exes from walking but the WAS doesn't want any part of that.

 

From my view, there's nothing wrong with what you are doing. When it comes to dating, people go into it knowing that it may or may not work out. Once someone is no longer getting out of it what they need, it's best to end it and move on. As for marriage, I'm much more of a traditionalist. As long as there's no abuse, adultery, or major issues, my belief system (and my religious beliefs) compel me to work on the marriage & fix what's wrong (until death do us part really meant something for me). I realize that not everyone feels the same as me, and that's ok.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Lavender, I really appreciated your post! First off, I am NOT trying to demonize anyone. The WAS/ WAW are dysfunctional. Period. I'm not trying to be rude, but to me it's like calling an alcoholic an alcoholic or an abuser an abuser. Some may feel like these phrases are stereotyping or demonizing. I call them a description.

 

As far as your advice to be careful about classifying the spouses of the WASs as victims, you are exactly correct. Thanks for calling me out on this. I was wrong. While I definitely felt like a victim at one point, I realize I am a survivor. Just like being a survivor of domestic violence vs. a victim of domestic violence. And, your advice about saying good riddance and moving on, I agree 100%. John's book talks about the same thing. The Awareness phase is all about seeing the situation for what it is & to heal & move on.

 

As far as your opinion on:

 

"The point is it is very common for an abandoned spouse to demonize their ex, whether that ex is a woman or a man, in order to feel better about themselves or to abdicate any responsibility for the breakup because their own self image won't tolerate the fact that they failed in a marriage (they meaning BOTH people together couldn't make it succeed) They are hurt, angry, resentful, depressed etc. over the dissolution of the relationship. So you need to focus on accepting that sometimes marriage just don't work and people want out, and it is legal to divorce so they do so. You need to focus on repairing YOU and getting your own life back rather than focusing on your EX..."

 

In general, I agree with this when the break-up is between "normal" couples but remember that the WAS is far from normal. If you read up on the syndrome, you will see that the abandoned spouse has often taken huge steps to try & repair the relationship, taken responsibility to the point of being ridiculous, etc. but the WAS refuses to even try to work it out. The part about the abandoned spouse's self image not tolerating that they failed in the marriage, this is WAY OFF in describing the abandoned spouse in the WAS scenario. The abandoned spouses I have read about, including myself, are very self-aware of their shortcomings and their contributions to the issues in the marriage. We get the point that marriages sometimes do not work out. What we are struggling with is the abrupt 180 degree change in the person we were married to for 10+ years in many cases. We often do not recognize the completely different people our exes have become. It's scary, really. When something so odd & dramatic happens to someone we thought we knew, we naturally are curious to try & figure out what in the world just happened. What I am learning is that, if you believe the WAS to be truly dysfunctional, there are few answers. That's why moving on and not looking back (which is what you are saying as well), if the only thing to do. There is no explanation to the unexplainable.

 

While I really appreciate your perspective, no one is demonizing the WAS. We're simply stating the facts and pointing out the completely dysfunctional & selfish behaviors we've witnessed & been a party to.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

I completely agree. I don't think it's helpful to get caught up in labels or to try to classify a breakup as though it were a medical or psychiatric syndrome. Yes, spouses who leave relationships do find love again. And so do those who are left. But the first step is putting the past where it belongs -- in the past, and beginning to enjoy your present life and focus on your own happiness rather than their happiness (or lack thereof).

 

Lady, we are not talking about the "average" or "normal" breakup/ divorce here. We ARE talking about a medical/ psychiatric syndrome! Feel free to read through the 200+ pages of the thread "Relationship With X" or John Bendix's book if you are interested in learning about the differences.

 

I agree with you that at some point we all need to put our past into our past & move on already. When you live through something as weird as we have, it takes awhile to move on. When you add adultery from a WAS into the mix, it can take A LONG time to heal. If you visit the Surviving Infidelity forums, you will see how devastated survivors can be & how long it takes for some to heal. From what I've read about the WAS survivors, their healing time frame can be just as long. It may be the absolute shock & betrayal that is common to both. On the adultery side, many survivors simply can't wrap their minds around how their spouse could do what they did. The same with the WAS survivor. The behaviors are so polar opposite to how they used to be, hence the shock and psychological aftermath.

 

And, the shared experiences that those on this forum had with their WAS (as defined herein) were very strange and yet we found that so many others lived through the same weird stuff with eerie similarity. I mean, look at how many years the "Relationship with X" thread has been around!

 

I believe the WAS goes through a radical change in their thoughts & beliefs. It may have happened over time, but once it was triggered, they completely changed like a switch flipped in their brains. Caring people turned cold. Selfless people became selfish to the extreme, and EVERYONE was blamed for all their woes while they took zero responsibility for their actions. Many, but not all, had affairs and then blamed their exes instead of taking responsibility, etc. John put it nicely in his book as he refers to the importance they place on protecting their ego AT ALL COSTS. There are similarities with the WAS & the narcissist to be sure, but the difference in my view is that the narc is probably consistent with their behavior trait whereas the WAS is going through life as one person one day and then COMPLETELY changes the next.

 

The casual observer may say, well, people can change. I suppose that is true, but WOW what a wild change when the WAS is involved!

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

One other point. The WAS syndrome has many commonalities to someone going through a mid-life crisis as well. The women that I have read about are sometimes peri-menapausal. Could there be a hormonal element? From what I found, ppl who go through MLC, like the WAS, for whatever reason, decide they no longer are happy being a husband/ wife and/or a Mom/ Dad and feel there's more to life & go through some fairly radical changes in behavior. But, many/ most who go through MLC will snap out if it & recognize the carnage they are causing to their families and often try & work things out. The WAS walks away & doesn't look back, in most cases. Those are the differences I have seen between WASs & MLC but I'm sure there are others.

[John Bendix]

Still,

 

When it comes to the WAW, MLC and peri-menapausal effects can play a huge role. The doctors that my X were "forced" to see revealed that when going through perimeopause, any emotional and psychological issues that you carry into this change, will make the experience that much more trying.

[ZeeWee]

Tough question. I have read statistics that betrayed spouses do a lot better than WAS in second marriages, with failure rate around 30%, below that of first marriage, and far below 85% failure rate for WAS.

 

My wife walked away into the arms of a sugar daddy 16 years ago, yet I was the one who had to file a divorce nearly 1.5 years later. For some reason she kept threatening me with divorce but never filing. I had to free myself from that garbage. I sure regret marrying her.

 

We did not have kids, and the walkaway speech she gave me was that of typical WAS (without mentioning the sugar daddy).

 

Anyhow, her relationship was over soon after divorce, she is now childless, alone, in her mid-40-s. I am remarried with a wonderful 9yo boy to a wonderful woman 4 years my X junior.

 

Yet I am sure if you asked my X if she was happy with her decision, she would scream Yes!

 

The question is tough because lines of communication are seldom open, because if you are WAS or a victim (survivor) of WAS, you are up for a whole lot of drama during the proceedings. I avoided that to a degree because I did not wait for her to get dumped or walk away from her new relationship. I wanted to free myself from her as quickly and as painlessly as possible.