Day 2 NC & Scared

[Cyhiraeth]

Hello Dear Cat,

 

Thank you so much for stopping by - it's very nice to see you.

 

I'm trying hard not to let his contact derail my resolve. Thank you, as always, for your kindness and support.

 

I hope you are well.

 

((()))

[Cyhiraeth]

He came here today.

 

He knocked outside the door for about 15 minutes, solid. I ignored it - but I still have a knot in my stomach, and my breathing is still rapid. He just left.

 

I'm not surprised he came - I knew he would do that. This is following the same pattern that happened when I initiated the nine day NC back in October. This is day five so he's getting desperate. I'm predicting next he will send me a few more e-mails: one angry and "hurt" that I didn't open the door/how could I do that to him/be so cruel; and when I ignore that, a nice e-mail saying how much he loves me/misses me/we should put our differences aside/life is too short. He'll stop by again after those fail, probably stop by again later in the week.

 

Another thought has been haunting me...the last time I saw my counselor, I was still with my ex and going through a really rough patch with him, this was right after Thanksgiving. Just from telling her about his behavior to me, she said to me to be careful and that my ex is very dangerous. I didn't pay as much thought to it then, but now I can't get her words out of my head. When I told her that I thought I may have to move to get away from him, she didn't expand much on the idea but definitely seemed to agree with it - I could see it on her face. But her words are haunting me too.

 

I just don't want continue this way. I want this to be over so I can move on with my life.

 

Okay, scratch that. I knew he left the front door, but dammit something told me he was still around. Now he just came back and is standing outside my patio door. Bad drawback of a ground floor apartment. Let me go take care of this.

[iamkaylee]

Call 911 and let the police take care of it.

 

His patterns are very important. You know what he's going to do so head him off before he does it. Don't repeat your same pattern from October.

[IAmFCA]

OP: Can you find a house to stay in for a bit? I am sorry if I missed a detail that makes my comment superfluous. A friend's house, take a last minute trip, whatever it takes to change locations... preferably a house with other people in it?

 

Also, it might be helpful to pack an overnight bag with essentials and leave it at friends house so that if you find yourself unable to go back home, or just having rushed out, you have a backup kit all ready for you. I get that you shouldn't have to change locations, but sometimes we do what we must and mete out the justice later.

 

Keep checking in with us!

[iamkaylee]

Abuse is 110% about power and control.

 

Once you leave an abusive relationship, cutting off all contact is very important. Abusers will try numerous ways to manipulate you into letting them back in, even if it's just for a second. Threats, begging, pleading, promises to change, declarations of love, your stuff, their stuff, using friends and family to make contact, the old "I just want to talk", persistance.

 

Cutting all contact is VITAL because what they want from you at this point is a response. Any response. That gives them control again and if you think about it, it does. They nag in some way through email, texting, door pounding, showing up places, whatever and eventually, you give in. Bam. You just handed them back control by giving in. That only encourages them to keep at it and keeps you being a victim.

 

Your ONLY responses, and you do have to respond because ignoring won't work for everything, have to be consistant. Phone calls, emails, texts, non direct contact of that type should be ignored. Flowers and such sent to you should be refused or ignored. Contact from mutual friends/family asking you to contact the abuser should be responded to with a polite but firm "no, we are broken up, I want no contact with him ever again and please do not bring this subject back up". Beware the friend or family member that is too friendly or interested in how you're doing. They may be reporting back to the ex.

 

Any direct contact requires a call to 911 or a very loud and firm "get away from me and leave me alone". Don't open doors, don't engage in conversation, tell them to leave. If they don't, you call 911 and let the police handle it. If you're out in public, scream your head off with "get away" but be calm about it. You want to draw attention but not be the crazy psyco chick. Any visit to your home or workplace warrants a 911 call and nothing else. Ignore the door pounding, window peeking until the police arrive and then deal with it.

 

So, you do have to respond, but your responses are blunt, very negative, downright rude in fact, but they should be and calling the police every single time is to your benefit. Being nice or compromising won't help you. Consistancy in doorslamming contact attempts and the threat or reality of jail time has to become your new ingrained behavior. You are responding, but you are controlling them now through your responses. Once they realize their attempts to get back in are only met with NO, nothing or the police, the vast majority will stop and leave you alone. Criminal charges add up nicely and a few nights in jail work wonders. Bail money and friends willing to put up bail money for a dude that just won't leave a girl alone dries up really quick.

[Cyhiraeth]

Okay he finally left. I watched him drive off.

 

When he was first here on the patio, I wouldn't talk to him. I wanted to shut the blinds so he couldn't see in, but that would mean that I wouldn't be able to see him. So I left them open and went into the bathroom instead. He left and a few minutes later I got this e-mail:

I swallowed my pride, went against all my beliefs, killed my sense of honor and dignity to come and see you today .....all in the name of love. Something inside my heart told me that love would prevail. I stood out in the freezing cold, filled with hope and love only to be disgraced again. I swear to you that even if you hurt me beyond words, my door will always be open for you. True love is unconditional and perpetual. Even though i am upset i have no resentment towards you, only love.

 

So I wrote back this e-mail:

I don't want to hear it - you brought this upon yourself. Last weekend, I tried so hard to work things out with you, one last time. I told you repeatedly that you would lose me if you weren't willing to take certain steps. I told you this was important and to choose wisely. You were determined to ignore my requests, and really, all you wanted to do was argue. Last weekend was the time when you should have mustered up all your honor and dignity in the name of love: to make an effort to work things out with me when things were so badly falling apart and I so badly wanted you to do so.

 

You had your chance. Several times. YOU chose this path yourself.

 

I don't want you showing up at my house ever again unless I invite you. It's harassment, and I am not going to put up with it. It's also a crime.

 

Also: Don't take my response as an invitation to get into a back and forth with me over e-mail; this discussion is over. Please don't contact me anymore.

 

He came back to my patio after he sent his e-mail (I knew he would - he sent that to try and pull on my heartstrings so that I would open the door/talk to him). I told him through the door that I replied to him, that I didn't want to see him, and that he was making me uncomfortable and not respecting my boundaries. I repeated that he was making me uncomfortable. When I finally put it like that, he nodded his head and left. That was when I saw him drive off.

 

I feel like crying.

[Cyhiraeth]

Call 911 and let the police take care of it.

 

His patterns are very important. You know what he's going to do so head him off before he does it. Don't repeat your same pattern from October.

 

I don't know why I just can't do this. What the hell is wrong with me?? Why am I so against getting the cops involved?

[Cyhiraeth]

OP: Can you find a house to stay in for a bit? I am sorry if I missed a detail that makes my comment superfluous. A friend's house, take a last minute trip, whatever it takes to change locations... preferably a house with other people in it?

 

Also, it might be helpful to pack an overnight bag with essentials and leave it at friends house so that if you find yourself unable to go back home, or just having rushed out, you have a backup kit all ready for you. I get that you shouldn't have to change locations, but sometimes we do what we must and mete out the justice later.

 

Keep checking in with us!

 

Thank you so much for your response, IThinkICan. The problem with me staying somewhere is that I have a dog and a cat. It's very hard to find a place where I can bring them both with me - incredibly hard. My dog is old, and he needs me.

 

I have an overnight bag - I packed one at my counselor's request. That's a great reminder though - there are some things I need to update in there I think.

 

I have the feeling I am just going to have to move. This is horrible - I've already moved four times this year due to him. Four times!!! I am so exhausted from moving. I feel so worn out.

 

I really appreciate your support in this thread, IThinkICan.Thank you very much. ((()))

[iamkaylee]

I don't know why I just can't do this. What the hell is wrong with me?? Why am I so against getting the cops involved?

 

Because it's embarrassing for one. But the main reason is because you're conditioned to "not cause trouble" and that you're the crazy one and no one will believe you anyway. Part of the mind****ing abuse game that's been played on you.

 

You did well in how you handled this today. Now, impliment what I said in my last post.

 

You are quite right with what you told him in your email. He's had his chance and flubbed it. He's had that chance since October. Two months ago and he hasn't done squat yet! So... too late. You drew a line for him, don't back it up again now.

 

You're worth more my dear and if the man really cared about you or your relationship, he'd have done something about it all back then.

 

Updated to add, you've moved FOUR times already because of him?? Get the restraining order and start calling the cops every single time he violates it.

[Cyhiraeth]

Your previous post below is spot on and very well-written. Thank you for such great advice. I'm confident I can implement everything except for the 911 part. I am so nervous about that. Logically, it makes 100% sense to me. I am going to try very hard to readjust my thinking when it comes to that. Thank you for your encouragement of how I handled things today - I appreciate that a lot.

 

I agree that if he really cared, he would have done something about it long ago. An interesting thing happened today...right before he came over, I was going through a stack of papers and found a ripped out journal entry from 8/30/12. The entire thing was about an incident we had where he thought his brothers had seen us in public together. He got so mad that he started punching the steering wheel, threw a water bottle at me (hard, from 2 feet away), and kept saying "f*** f*** f***" over and over again, and he blamed it all on me. I wrote about how I was in so much pain from his behavior, and how hurtful it was that he wouldn't even acknowledge my pain. Less than 10 minutes after I read it, he showed up. Talk about a resolve strengthener - what a great coincidence.

 

Regarding the moves, technically they were all due to him, but not all negative. Although I suppose I could say if I hadn't moved in with him in the first place, none of this would have happened.

 

1st move - January 2012: I moved out of my apartment to move in with him. This was 2 months after we got engaged.

2nd move - April 2012: I moved out of his house due to severe abuse and moved in with my mom. She agreed to let me stay through the year.

3rd move - June 2012: I moved out of my mom's house and into my sister's basement because my mom was surrounded by neighbors who smoke, and the smoke was getting into her apartment. I have bad asthma, and it was aggravating my asthma badly.

4th move - August 2012: I moved out of my sister's basement and finally moved into my own apartment. The move with my sister was temporary just while I looked for an apartment because both she and her husband are highly allergic to my pets.

 

I have been schlepping all of my stuff around all year. It is absolutely exhausting!! I am tired of moving!! I don't want to move again, but if I have to I will. I will even move out of state if need be.

 

Thank you so much for you support, dear iamkaylee. (((())))

[Cyhiraeth]

I know I said this in my last post, but I just wanted to say it again. Thank you for this.

[IAmFCA]

OP:

 

When I used 9-1-1 I felt empowered. The police were doofuses, I will admit. We can't control who shows up to help. Still, I felt empowered. I stood up to protect my home, my roommates, I took charge. I took responsibility. I called 9-1-1. It actually felt good to take action that way.

 

I understand about the dog and the cat, I had forgotten that, I am sorry about my oversight. It comes down to this: you are protecting your pets by remaining on your own. I get it. They need you. Therefore, you have to get someone to look after you. Restraining order is just another layer of protection that will allow you to be there for your pets.

 

Get one now.

 

Then, move to an upper floor building with a lobby, and preferably a doorman if you can swing it.

 

Then get a restraining order again.

 

He is using whatever powers are available to him. You must do the same.

 

Thank you for posting and being so open with us. We care about you!

[iamkaylee]

Calling 911 may save your life or the lives of your pets. Do NOT underestimate the cruelty of an abuser or the depths they can sink to. It is far better to be safe than sorry and as IThinkICan said, he is using all his weapons, so use all of yours.

 

Remember what I said. Being nice, compromising and co-operative will not help you. If you think about it, being that way during the relationship, making excuses for poor behavior, hoping things would change and get better if only you tried just a little harder didn't work did it. It won't work now either. You can not heal until you get completely out this and your reluctance about calling 911 is part of the damage.

 

I'm of two minds when it comes to moving. If you firmly believe there's a clear danger he will kick in the door, you need to get out now. If you believe he's capable of waiting around outside and ambushing you on a dog walk, you need to get out now.

 

Moving can be good if you can move and he won't find you. It can bring a sense of peace and relief but it can also bring the fear that he'll show up there. Moving can escalate things and make them very desperate to find you again. If that happens, you have the same choice back again. Move or stay. You can't run forever and eventually you'll have to make a stand.

 

Staying where you are and refusing to be run out of your own home is very empowering but possibly dangerous. A familiar place with neighbors that know you (more or less) even by comings and goings is comforting. Why should you have to pack up, move and uproot your entire life (and deal with the financial & logistical fallout) because some abusive jerk makes threats, scares you and won't act right. You shouldn't have to but sometimes it is necessary.

 

It's a very personal decision and only you can make it. You know your own comfort level and what you believe he's capable of doing. Do what is right for you.

[Cyhiraeth]

Please don't apologize - there was no oversight. I am grateful for your comments.

 

You make a compelling argument to the benefit of an RO. Thank you for your perspective - it really helps. I am leaning more and more towards getting one. I don't know if I should consider getting an RO, or if I should consider moving (good grief, or both???) I dread the thought of moving again. It took me MONTHS to find this apartment (which I really happen to like). It will cost me ~ 5K to move. And it will take me some time to find a place due to the reasons below.

 

If it's my own private apartment, I'll have the following issues to navigate around:

- The apartment absolutely has to be ground level - my dog can't do stairs anymore due to his age.

- Almost every apartment complex I know that has an elevator is a high rise, and those almost always only accept cats (except for the complex I'm in now, go figure).

- My options are limited - I live in a major metropolitan area that has one of the highest costs of living in the country, so many places are out of my price range (including most apartments with an elevator amenity).

 

If it's a roommate situation, I'll have the following issues to navigate around:

- Same thing with the ground level - I guess I'd have to get a basement somewhere.

- It's very difficult to find people that are open to pets at all.

- If they are open to pets, it's usually only one or the other (dog or cat) - not both.

- Also if they're open to pets, they typically have at least one of their own - and my guys don't get along with other pets.

 

It's a lot to think about. I really like what you said about feeling empowered. I'm sorry you had to go through it, but I'm glad your situation made you feel that way - I hope I can feel that same way in my own situation too. Your words are inspiring.

 

Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me.

[catfeeder]

I hope you'll ~please~ file a RO now and call 911 at the first sign of him violating it. I could understand not wanting to provoke him with one, but now that he's shown up twice, you need this on file.

 

If the threat of acid being thrown on you doesn't motivate you, what about acid on your pets?

 

I care, and I only want to see you safe, but your passivity is driving me nutz. If not for yourself, do it for the people in your life who love you and your animals.

 

In your corner, and fingers crossed for you.

 

My best,

Cat

[Cyhiraeth]

You are absolutely right about not underestimating what he's capable of in terms of cruelty - something about that sentence really hit home for me. I've seen it in his eyes, and I also can recall at least two occasions where he intentionally and very cruelly hurt me before. And that was when we were on speaking terms, when we were together. He looked at the pain on my face almost like he was observing me. It was freaky. Of course he denied it though.

 

I do believe that he is capable of hurting me here - that's why I felt so terrified in my first post. I also feel 100% that an RO will do absolutely nothing to deter him. He was around horrific violence in his home country, and legalities don't intimidate him. Although that doesn't mean that I won't get one - in fact I am strongly leaning towards one. I'm just not there yet, and I feel like an idiot for feeling this way. You're right when you say it's part of the damage.

 

I feel like my emotions are a wreck right now. I have been so scared all week; I haven't been sleeping much at all. I finally started feeling a little bit better. Before he showed up today I was working on my New Year's resolutions, and I felt a sense of calm I hadn't felt in days. Then he showed up and now I'm right back to feeling terrified again - I haven't even looked at my resolutions, much less finished working on them. Earlier today they were giving me a bit of hope; now I feel scared and hopeless.

 

iamkaylee, I also need to send you a PM. I'm working on it now.

[Cyhiraeth]

Thank you for stopping in, dear Cat.

 

My passivity is driving me nuts too, believe me. I certainly recognize it for what it is. My logic and my actions just aren't syncing up. I feel like I am fighting an internal battle. And it's not because I miss him. Which makes it even worse.

[catfeeder]

Thank you for stopping in, dear Cat.

 

My passivity is driving me nuts too, believe me. I certainly recognize it for what it is. My logic and my actions just aren't syncing up. I feel like I am fighting an internal battle. And it's not because I miss him. Which makes it even worse.

 

Big ((((hug)))), Cyhiraeth. I understand. Why not use the passivity to your advantage and simply do what iamkaylee suggests instead of fighting with yourself about it?

 

Don't define or decide that which you're incapable of ~knowing~, and reach out to work with people who are more knowledgeable about this stuff than you are.

 

Your best thinking got you ~here~.

 

I'd also step it up with the DV people. Rattle pots and pans to request additional services. It's one thing to be 'counseled' on a schedule, it's quite another to need immediate help for potentially imminent danger.

 

Call your local ~hotline~ or a national one. (Key word is 'hot'.) Get hooked up with THE RIGHT people, not just 'nice' people.

 

My best,

Cat

[iamkaylee]

I'd also step it up with the DV people. Rattle pots and pans to request additional services. It's one thing to be 'counseled' on a schedule, it's quite another to need immediate help for potentially imminent danger.

 

Call your local ~hotline~ or a national one. (Key word is 'hot'.) Get hooked up with THE RIGHT people, not just 'nice' people.

 

Yes, please. THIS ^^^^^

 

You need to start rattling cages hard. They will not take you seriously unless you are serious about all this yourself. Be politely pushy but don't be put off or take no for an answer. Don't wait for return phone calls. You call back. You're not the only person or case they have but staying "in their face" keeps your name at the top of the priority list.

 

Remember what I told you earlier. Experience and lessons learned the hard way talking. Start taking steps and making yourself and your safety your number one priority.

 

HUGS

[IAmFCA]

Yes, please. THIS ^^^^^

 

You need to start rattling cages hard. They will not take you seriously unless you are serious about all this yourself. Be politely pushy but don't be put off or take no for an answer. Don't wait for return phone calls. You call back. You're not the only person or case they have but staying "in their face" keeps your name at the top of the priority list.

 

Remember what I told you earlier. Experience and lessons learned the hard way talking. Start taking steps and making yourself and your safety your number one priority.

 

HUGS

 

Yes. If its "we'll call you back" maybe the response is, "Thank you, I will hold." Nobody else will put a stop to this until you do, and for you to do it, you need back up. Even cops (I infer you are not one) don't approach danger alone. It is time for you to be your own advocate and put your tax dollars to work. Good luck to you tonight especially.

[catfeeder]

Yes. If its "we'll call you back" maybe the response is, "Thank you, I will hold." Nobody else will put a stop to this until you do, and for you to do it, you need back up. Even cops (I infer you are not one) don't approach danger alone. It is time for you to be your own advocate and put your tax dollars to work. Good luck to you tonight especially.

 

Yes, if you've been dealing with a local agency in a way that has not addressed immediate threat, then don't get yourself pigeonholed in the WRONG services. Contact your local agency, and if there's nobody available to address this, contact the National Hotline I provided above, and explain the dead end. They will help cut through the tape.

 

In your corner, and I hope you're okay.

Cat