Day 2 NC & Scared

[Cyhiraeth]

I have been struggling to break a cycle of abuse with my ex-fiance for a while now. I started going to counseling after a nine day period of NC back in October, and it's really helped empower me. I did let him back into my life after much crying, apologies, promises to change, etc; however, since that time I have been setting clear boundaries about what I will and will not tolerate. It's been odd...he claims to respect my choices, but his true feelings come out when he gets angry - he doesn't like me setting these boundaries.

 

Last Tuesday, he had (yet another) miserable day at his job, and while we were talking on the phone I calmly told him I did not want him taking out his work frustrations on me. He immediately got belligerent and started screaming at me. I hung up the phone. So then I received a barrage of texts such as "b****", "There's a beautiful woman out there waiting for me that I'm going to marry" and so on. He has a habit of verbally lashing out at me through texts when I don't stay on the phone to listen to the verbal lashes. So I told him he needed to apologize, and of course the insults got worse. So, I changed my number. I decided at that moment that if he wasn't going to stop verbally abusing me over text, I was going to remove his access to do so. It was an impulsive decision but one I'm glad I made. He still doesn't have the new number.

 

The next day he came over and said he wanted to talk. He did talk - for about 20 minutes before things started getting ugly. He was furious that I changed my number. I told him he needed to respect me. He shoved me into the wall four times, he broke the brand new PS3 he bought me, he broke one of my kitchen tiles, and his verbal assault was vile - the name calling, the insults. I told him to get out. Eventually he did - he walked to his car cursing my name. After about 20 minutes (this is about 11:00pm now) he came back to my door to ask if he could come back in to talk. I said absolutely not (the conversation was through the door - I did NOT open the door for him again). He asked if he could get some water. I said absolutely not. He said it was too late to drive and asked if he could stay over. I said there's a hotel accross the street. He said he was sorry. I said he should be and sorry doesn't cut it. I informed him that I wasn't opening the door and he could stand out there all night. He left.

 

The next day he came back to my house. I told him (through the door - I didn't open it) that I didn't want to see him and to leave. He did. So he started e-mailing me, furious that I wouldn't open the door. I asked if he was willing to get formal help, and I let him know that the direction of our relationship would depend entirely on his answer. Of course he turned it into an argument, and he started asking if I knew that I needed formal help too. I didn't engage him in that, I just kept asking if he would get help, and telling him I would support him. He blew up and again started trying to tell me that I was just as at fault for what happened the last time he came over as he was (this is all over e-mail). I decided to disengage completely. The next day he e-mailed me saying he wanted to spend Christmas together. I told him we were done and that I was initiating NC. He is livid.

 

I feel a sense of relief, but at the same time, I feel very scared. He has threatened me:

 

• Twice that he would slit my throat and go back to his country to hide if he ever saw me with another man ("honor killings" are very common in his country of origin). He claimed this was "just a joke" when I told him that was a horrible thing to say.
  
• Twice that he would throw acid on my face so that I "wasn't so pretty anymore" (this is also very common in his country of origin). He denies ever having said this to me.
  

I haven't experienced this type of pending fear before. I am fit and strong for my size, but I am 5'5 120 lbs, and he is 6', 220 lbs. I don't see the point in a restraining order - it would be pretty ineffective against what he has threatened. Also, I live alone, and I have a dog. Which means I have to be outside alone walking the dog three times a day every day.

 

Anyhow, I could really use some support. Maybe a virtual hug or two.

 

Thanks so much for listening. I feel absolutely terrified right now.

[lukeb]

I do actually see a point in a restraining order, right now you really don't have anything except your word against his. It would actually be a more clear message than you have been giving him so far. You may think you are sending him a clear message that you don't want to see him but as far as he is concerned you are just toying with him, disrespecting him, perhaps emasculating him. This is where the anger comes from.

[catfeeder]

There are points to a restraining order beyond what I can remember. First it puts on record that you're under threat, and this can heighten routine protection of your property and immediate area. (I admit, this can be specious depending on your community.) It notifies the abuser that his actions will not be as invisible as he believes.

 

Have you considered contacting a local domestic violence agency for help? You can start with this number for a referral to some closer help: 1-800-799-SAFE. Ask for counseling and safe strategies. Many agencies even offer protections you may not be aware of.

 

You need to stop reasoning with this man--he's far beyond reason.

 

Big (((hug))),

Cat

[Cyhiraeth]

I do actually see a point in a restraining order, right now you really don't have anything except your word against his. It would actually be a more clear message than you have been giving him so far. You may think you are sending him a clear message that you don't want to see him but as far as he is concerned you are just toying with him, disrespecting him, perhaps emasculating him. This is where the anger comes from.

 

lukeb thanks for your response. That's a good point about the way he's probably interpreting this - I think you're probably spot on. I also fear however that a RO would just aggravate the situation and make it worse - it will likely piss him off even more so than he already is. That worries me too.

[Cyhiraeth]

There are points to a restraining order beyond what I can remember. First it puts on record that you're under threat, and this can heighten routine protection of your property and immediate area. (I admit, this can be specious depending on your community.) It notifies the abuser that his actions will not be as invisible as he believes.

 

Have you considered contacting a local domestic violence agency for help? You can start with this number for a referral to some closer help: 1-800-799-SAFE. Ask for counseling and safe strategies. Many agencies even offer protections you may not be aware of.

 

You need to stop reasoning with this man--he's far beyond reason.

 

Big (((hug))),

Cat

 

Thank you so much, Cat. I have reached out to a local DV group, but that was for counseling while I was still engaging with my ex. That's a great thought that they might have some other protections available. I'll reach back out to them. Thanks for the extra points regarding the RO, too. I'm still not sure how comfortable I am getting an RO, but those are great points to consider. I also agree he's beyond reason. I realized that over the past week - talk about a wake up call.

 

I don't know what to do though about the fear I have of him hurting me. Getting an RO, while it does seem to carry a lot of weight, won't help my fears that he can still show up at anytime and hurt me. He already put me in the hospital once (no I didn't report it, and yes, I realize that was a mistake) so I just feel so scared. I hate feeling this way.

[catfeeder]

I'd get the RO right away, and I'd be certain to mention his specific threats--especially because they are culturally acceptable to him. The police should be alerted to that.

 

Also, since you haven't explored the protection and skills side of DV services, those would be the people to ask about managing your fear and security. I'd contact them also, right away.

 

The more direct action you take now, the more of a network you build to help you through the fear and security side of this. A watch group may be available--you don't know until you pursue. Passivity is now over--yes?

[catfeeder]

Hello Cyhiraeth,

I hope you're okay. This woman, iamkaylee, has posed really useful info about dealing with an abusive stalker, and I hope you'll read her posts:

 

 

My best,

Cat

[iamkaylee]

Catfeeder thank you

 

OP you are quite correct that an RO is not much protection. It is after all, just a piece of paper and will not stop a determined person. However, a true, violent stalker is very, very rare. Please follow the advice I gave in another thread called girlfriend has PTSD maybe. 911 is your friend, so is that piece of paper. Have your cell phone and a copy of the RO on you at all times. An RO violation or harassment charge will stop most people but establishing a pattern of repeated harassment, contact and threats is absolute key to pushing a stalking charge.

 

I'd highly suggest getting back in touch with your local DV advocate, going back to counseling and seeing what else they offer in terms of victim services. In addition, ask the local police if they offer a women's self defense class or know someone who does. It's not martial arts or anything like that but it will teach you how to quickly and effectively disable an attacker with you bare hands or everyday items like keys, a purse or even your high heels so you can get away.

 

If I can help, please feel free to PM me.

[Cyhiraeth]

I'd get the RO right away, and I'd be certain to mention his specific threats--especially because they are culturally acceptable to him. The police should be alerted to that.

 

Also, since you haven't explored the protection and skills side of DV services, those would be the people to ask about managing your fear and security. I'd contact them also, right away.

 

The more direct action you take now, the more of a network you build to help you through the fear and security side of this. A watch group may be available--you don't know until you pursue. Passivity is now over--yes?

 

Thank you so much for your response, Cat. I was going to reach out to the local DV services today, but I was exhausted; I slept most of the day (save for a few hours on the computer this morning) because I'm not really sleeping at night.

 

This may sound silly, but I am scared of pursuing an RO. I feel strongly that getting an RO would make it worse - waving a red flag in front of a bull, if you will. This is the primary reason I don't want to get one.

 

The secondary reason is that he's not actively harassing me; in fact, it's the opposite - he's gone completely quiet. He hasn't contacted me in any way. I haven't heard a peep from him since I told him we were done and not to contact me. It's just that I can't get his comments out of my head - they're haunting me. Additionally, another comment he made when he was over last week was that he was a man with nothing to lose so I shouldn't be pissing him off.

 

Hello Cyhiraeth,

I hope you're okay. This woman, iamkaylee, has posed really useful info about dealing with an abusive stalker, and I hope you'll read her posts:

 

 

My best,

Cat

 

Thank you for posting this link. I did read this and you're right, it's solid advice. Thank you so much also for checking in, it means a lot. ((()))

[Cyhiraeth]

iamkaylee, thank you so much for writing. You give sage advice, both here and on the other thread.

 

My DV counselor actually gives seminars on self-defense; she's a Krav Maga master. I also haven't seen her in about 3 weeks; so I'll definitely call her again to make an appointment anyways, and also to see if she has any upcoming classes. Additionally, I'm going to look into as many of these options as I can that are offered by different groups in the community, including through my local DV group. That's a great idea; thank you.

 

I mentioned below that I am fearful of making the situation worse by getting an RO; I'm not yet comfortable with that (although I'm also not comfortable without one, so either way I'm just very uncomfortable Especially since he's gone quiet. I'm not afraid of him stalking me as much as I'm afraid of a one-time situation. His comments are really haunting me; comments he's made over the course of the relationship, both recently and a while back.

 

Thank you also for the offer to PM. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. ((()))

[iamkaylee]

Talk to your DV counselor about getting an RO and get her thoughts on it. She's your best guide there as she will have an excellent relationship with local law enforcement and the other court officials. A Krav master eh? HA! You'll not get a better self defense class. That's excellent ;-)

 

Getting an RO is always a toss up. Sometimes it does make them mad and set them off. His being quiet is cause for alarm. Two days isn't long. If he intends to actually do something you will know, you know him and if you believe he is capable, then he is.

 

Listen to your gut and I can not stress situational awareness enough. Stop your normal routine as of now. Drive a different route everywhere as much as you can. Leave and arrive everywhere early and late. Be random with this. 15 minutes, 5 minutes, etc. You want to avoid all your usual patterns but also avoid making new ones. Lock everything all the time and keep your keys handy. Don't be digging in your purse going through the parking lot. Have them in your hand before you leave the store, house, wherever. Get in the habit of using your mirrors. When you park, look, then look again before you shut off the car, then look again before you get out. Same when you leave anywhere, look front, left, right, left again. It takes seconds but is a good habit to have. Be public, keep people around you, that dramatically reduces risks.

 

Above all, do NOT be afraid. Easily said, very hard to do but you can control it and not let him rule you through fear.

 

You are very welcome anytime.

[Cyhiraeth]

His being quiet is cause for alarm.

 

That's pretty much what I'm thinking. It's making me nervous.

 

Great points about situational awareness - I've always been a little paranoid and practiced more awareness than the average person (I think), but now I'm definitely making it a point to up the awareness factor significantly. I'm glad that I don't really have any set routines, especially for work. I can work from home many days of the week, and the days I do go into the office I don't have a start/end time, so that helps. I've carried a knife on me for about as long as I can remember, but I think I'm going to get myself some pepper spray - it would make me feel comfortable having a longer range defense.

 

I have a couple of options regarding self-defense classes that I researched today. I feel positive about attending a few sessions.

 

I'm trying not to let myself be ruled by fear, but it's hard. This type of fear is also a foreign feeling to me, so not only is it hard, it's weird. I don't know what's happened to me. I never used to be scared of anyone or anything. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few months ago due to the severe physical and emotional abuse from the relationship; I'm guessing that's making this fear I have now that much worse...it feels debilitating. The past few days I'm remembering all kinds of comments (some recent, some not) that he's made in the past: "If I wanted to I could kick your door in and come inside anyways", "I have nothing to lose", etc. That's not helping either.

 

I'm still very scared but I'm feeling slightly better today. Thank you again for your support. ((()))

[iamkaylee]

Good to see you here today

 

I've carried a knife everywhere since I was maybe six years old. Handy thing to have on hand.

 

If you do decide to go the pepper spray route, ask your DV counselor what she recommends. You also need to see what's legal to carry in your area. Possibly a stun gun or personal alarm would be a better option for you.

 

I don't usually advise sprays or weapons as they tend to give a false sense of security. Sprays are very dependent on wind and can backfire on you easily enough. Weapons can be taken away and used against you and most people will hesitate before actually using one if they can use it at all.

 

A good self defense class or two, security measures like always locking locks, staying public and practicing situational awareness is your best defense.

 

Please get back into therapy as soon as you can if you're still not going. That "high alert, head on a swivel" paranoia is part of PTSD and yes, it is making you feel even worse.

 

As always, feel free if I can help. HUGS

[Cyhiraeth]

Thank you! It's nice to see you too.

 

Since you were six, wow! I'm not that far behind you - I got my first butterfly knife when I was 11, that's what kicked it off for me. Although I don't carry my butterfly knife, I have a little Kershaw that I prefer to carry around - it's a great size for my purse or pocket. I'm very comfortable handling a knife, I've been carrying it for so long myself that I definitely don't get a false sense of security from it - if anything, it's the opposite - but you're right, I know that's common with people. I'm not worried about hesitating with a stranger, but that's an excellent point you made...there's a chance I would if it was him. You also make a great point about the pepper spray. A stun gun is a great idea if I can get one, the only thing is that I wish I could come up with something a bit longer range because of the acid-throwing threat. I don't like guns, so that's not an option. I'll keep carrying my Kershaw for now and talk to my DV counselor about what's legal. Thank you for your incredibly helpful insights.

 

I tried calling my DV counselor today to make an appointment, but kept getting their main answering service. I'll follow back up next week. I know I need to see her again. I feel like every time I see her I'm in a massively different place from the last time in terms of where I am with this relationship. She's so helpful though, I'm really glad I started seeing her. Incidentally, I'm also trying to find a support group. The only one I've found so far though doesn't start up until the spring. I'm a bit surprised as I live in a major metropolitan area - there has got to be more around here.

 

Things are so strange now - I will be doing just fine and then all of a sudden I get so scared. Before, my PTSD was mainly flashbacks of him hitting me, very hurtful things he said to me, and nightmares - all things that have happened in the past. Now it has grown to include things that have the potential to happen in the future. It is such a mess. For example, today I was walking into the bathroom to get some laundry. I was feeling fine, and a little positive that I had found some good options for a few self defense classes. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere I had this freak image of him spilling my blood all over the bathroom floor. It was vivid and awful. My lease doesn't expire until the end of next summer, but I've got half a mind to break it and just move somewhere else. Now I need to walk my dog for the night - another source of anxiety for me. I can't believe I allowed myself to get into this situation in the first place. Part of me feels like things will never get better.

[catfeeder]

Hello Cyhiraeth, just checking in and glad you've been on here. I hope the dog walk is pleasant.

 

Hello Iamkaylee, and thank you for being so good to our friend.

 

My best,

Cat

[iamkaylee]

Aw, it WILL get better, I promise. With time, therapy and I think most important, taking back your own power.

 

Every day that goes by with nothing from him makes the chances something will happen just that little bit less. He's made threats but not all guys like that are capable of really carrying them out. The scared feeling you're dealing with now are normal. Very common in abuse victims and stalking victims. Frightening, yes, but remind yourself you are OK right now and you're prepared just in case. Being in a different place each time you see your DV sounds normal too. Everything's moving quickly and it's a lot to deal with. Your feelings change rapidly so it's natural you'd feel differently each time you see her. A support group would be fantastic if you can find one.

 

It's good you have a dog! A dog is a great deterrant and early warning system so pay attention to the dog as well as your own situational awareness. The dog will let you know if someone familiar (or not) is lurking about.

 

There's small hand held stun guns you can get (about the size of a cell phone) that have a wrist strap and alarm. A flick of the "on" button and zap. It does require contact with someone but if they manage to grab it from you, the wrist strap pulls out disabling the zapper and setting off a very, very loud alarm. One of those might be good if legal in your area. Don't forget open and concealed carry laws.

 

Funny, I carry a Kershaw and keep a Gerber in all my vehices. Nice knives. You have good taste ;-)

[Cyhiraeth]

Hello Cyhiraeth, just checking in and glad you've been on here. I hope the dog walk is pleasant.

 

Hello Iamkaylee, and thank you for being so good to our friend.

 

My best,

Cat

 

Hello Cat, so nice to see you, thank you so much for checking in. I really appreciate it. The dog walk was nice, but I kept it very short.

[catfeeder]

Hello Cat, so nice to see you, thank you so much for checking in. I really appreciate it. The dog walk was nice, but I kept it very short.

 

Hah! Woof woof. Glad you enjoyed.

[Cyhiraeth]

I really like what you said above about how every day that goes by lessens the chance of something happening. I think I am going to make that my mantra. That's a great way to look at it and try to keep myself grounded.

 

I'm afraid my dog isn't much help in that department anymore. He's old (14 years) and just recently went deaf. His eyes are clouding over and I think his vision is going now too, although he's certainly not blind yet. But he's slow and tired - which now makes walking at night a liability for me. He's a cutie though - I've had him since he was 4 weeks old, so we've been together a very long time. When he was younger he was very protective, and extremely aggressive. Now, he's not aggressive at all. He really doesn't pay people or animals any attention anymore, save myself and his brother/best friend (my cat).

 

Thank you so much for the stun gun rec. That sounds great and I'll look into it. Hopefully it's legal here.

 

I can't thank you enough for your wise and compassionate responses. This is so helpful for me. It's nice to not feel alone. (((Thank you)))

 

 

 

Oh, funny! And likewise.

[iamkaylee]

You are most welcome I sent you a PM too about something else for you.

 

Your dog may be old, slow, deaf and going blind but he's still got a very good nose on him. He'll let you know if he smells something odd. Watch his body language. If he tenses up, or any sudden off behavior while out walking, he's noticed something.

 

Animals have a way of picking up vibes from their people. You've been friends a long time now, he'll not let you down now if he can help it and trust me, he knows something's up with you. He can feel it.

 

Cheers!

[Cyhiraeth]

You are most welcome I sent you a PM too about something else for you.

 

Your dog may be old, slow, deaf and going blind but he's still got a very good nose on him. He'll let you know if he smells something odd. Watch his body language. If he tenses up, or any sudden off behavior while out walking, he's noticed something.

 

Animals have a way of picking up vibes from their people. You've been friends a long time now, he'll not let you down now if he can help it and trust me, he knows something's up with you. He can feel it.

 

Cheers!

 

Your PM was very helpful and much appreciated. Thank you.

 

And thank you for the positive encouragement.

[Cyhiraeth]

Crap, he e-mailed me just now. He kept it short, but said how much he misses me, and that he wishes I was with him, and signed his message with love (which he usually doesn't do). I haven't responded.

 

Apparently it hasn't sunk in that we're over. I feel like that buys me some more time, which is a good feeling. I'm still not letting my guard down, though.

 

The bad feeling, is that there is still a tiny part of me that misses him too. Even after everything. I know he won't change though.

 

*Sigh*

[iamkaylee]

Keep ignoring him and try not to worry. Remember, most threats are just that.

 

He's going to react and act the same way anyone who just got dumped would. Keep that in mind too.

 

Expect him to follow his usual pattern. You might get that barrage of nasty emails next. If he makes any threats, print the email out with full headers (this is important) and go get your RO. It might make him mad but getting served might also drive home just how serious you really are.

 

Take the dog for an early walk tonight so you'll feel less stressed.

[Cyhiraeth]

I am going to do just that - keep on ignoring him. I really hope it doesn't come down to getting an RO.

 

I truly wish all abusers had the propensity for change. I know how rare it is, and that's just so sad. I know in his case it's even more rare, because it's not just him; it runs deep in his culture, how women are treated.

 

Thank you for all your support. ((()))

[catfeeder]

Hello Cyhiraeth,

Just thinking of you and poking in. Sorry about his email. You're right, at least this one wasn't raging.

My best,

Cat