How crazy is it that I'm considering this?

[MattW]

Let me preface this by saying, if you aren't familiar with my, a 24-year old guy that's never dated, never had a girlfriend, and never had sex. I've never exactly been the "wait for marriage" type, or anything like that, I've just never really made much of a "connection" with a girl where that was something I wanted to pursue. Lately, I've found myself really wanting to... well, have sex. Not because I'm "embarrassed" or because I want to "lose my v-card by any means necessary". I'd just... really like to see what it's like, yanno?

 

Anyway. Getting to the point, here. There's another "online community" I've been a part of, for a little while, that is mostly about sex and whatnot. It's semi-"social network"y. There's this one older (mid-30s) chick who's a large contributor to the site, and actually even became a moderator for it a long time ago. Our paths have crossed in various online discussions many times, and she's pretty neat, and pretty kinky, and I've often fantasized about her many times in the past. She's not "traditionally" attractive, but I REALLY dig her, and among this particular online community, she could loosely be considered a "celebrity".

 

A couple days ago, I was bored, and decided to message her just to chitchat. During the discussion, we got to talking about my lack of prowess with women and my lack of sexual experience, neither of which were facts I was keeping hidden to anyone on the site; she told me she had sent me a message last week, which I never received, so she went over what she said in it. Basically, she offered me the chance to, er, have some "fun" with her, if you catch my drift.

 

The only "challenge" is, I'd have to do a little traveling to get to her (I'm in Ohio, she's in Jersey). She said, though, that if I paid for my flight, she'd let me stay over with her, and she'd show me around the city a little, and spend the rest of the weekend having "fun". Sounds like an awesome plan, though I don't have the means to travel right now, and I told her this, and she said the offer would stay on the table any time, if I ever wanted to make the trip out there. If things go well for me, though, I could probably swing for it next summer.

 

Someone on another forum told me this is completely crazy and a bad idea all around, so I'm wondering what everyone else thinks...? I can see how taking a trip just to have sex is a bit over the top. But, I like that there's some familiarity between me and this woman already (without just having some hookup with a random chick I don't know at all), and I don't have the good looks to charm random local girls into "hooking up" with me (whereas, this woman and I have both already seen images of each other, so there's no surprises there). More importantly, like I said before, this woman has been kind of a "fantasy" for me for a while. I never in a million years thought she'd ever give me, of all people, an offer like this, and it's super tantalizing to want to make this "fantasy" into a reality, yanno? I dunno. I have all the time in the world to mull it over, and like I said, if it were to happen at all, it wouldn't be until next summer at the earliest.

[iamkaylee]

It's not crazy. Shoot, I've done crazier things.

 

Next summer is a long way off but Ohio to Jersey isn't far. You can even drive that easy if you've got a dependable car. Save your money and see what happens. By summer you might not want to anymore or she might pull the offer off the table. If it doesn't happen, well, you've got a bit of money set aside to do something else with.

 

A word of caution, even though she's sort of a "celebrity" on this site, it's still the internet and you don't know she's actually being truthful about anything. If you decide to do this, move if off chat on the site and start communicating by phone. Get a real name, address (google and verify too) and leave your travel plans and that info with a trusted friend. You don't have to say why you're going, just that you're visiting a friend.

 

Last thing, listen to your inner radar. If thinks start feeling wonky, bail and don't feel bad about it. Don't do anything or go anywhere if you're not feeling comfortable with it.

[Capricorn3]

I've heard of a lot worse things, but (going by all your previous threads and an idea of your personality), I'd put money on it that you would never carry it through. I think you enjoy the idea and the fantasy, but I doubt you'll ever do it.

[blueidealist24]

Just one thing nobody brought up - what if it doesn't work out in person? I know a lot of people who have trekked to another state to visit someone who they think they have a connection with, and then when they get to the person's hotel room or whatever, they can't stand each other, don't want to sleep together, and suffer like three awkward days trying to put up with each other. I think it's sort of weird that she would just offer herself for sex immediately without having even met you or at least talked on the phone! Usually it's an offer to meet and then IF there's attraction (which can be different than in photos), sex may happen..

[MattW]

Well, the main reason I'm saying summer at the earliest is because I hope to have my own place to live by then. That... doesn't seem to relate, I know, but the thing is, I still live at home with my parents, and my mom is annoying over protecting. I've never traveled by myself, and I've certainly never been away from home for even a day, let alone a weekend, so my mom would completely lose her **** (not that I'd tell her WHY I'd be going, of course, but she still wouldn't like the idea of me traveling for a weekend). So, I figure, if I have my own place to live, I can get away for a weekend, and my mom probably wouldn't even know. One less lie to have to come up with, and one less hassle to put up with, yanno?

 

Anyway, she said the offer will remain open unless I do something to piss her off. Judging by the posts of hers that I've read, the only other thing that she's dropped partners for is when they've put her at risk, sexually (she's very adamant about safe sex).

 

 

 

Well, she wasn't trying to push me into it, and she was being understanding at the idea that I might not want to take her up on the offer and/ or that I might want to wait to have sex until I'm dating someone special; she went on to say that she thought it might help loosen me up and maybe give me a bit more confidence towards women. She's kind of the "free spirited" type, so I'm not TOO surprised, and we've interacted enough via the community discussions where she's seen my heart aches and dating woes, and whatnot.

[BrianH46]

Agree with capicorn

[MattW]

I've heard of a lot worse things, but (going by all your previous threads and an idea of your personality), I'd put money on it that you would never carry it through. I think you enjoy the idea and the fantasy, but I doubt you'll ever do it.

 

Agree with capicorn

 

Eh, come on. It's not like we're discussing some major life decision, here. In this case, what I do or don't do isn't really that relevant, is it? This is just about fun, yet meaningless, sex. Again, it's not like this is some big huge thing. I'm more interested in peoples' thoughts on the idea, rather than whether or not any of you guys think I, personally, will actually go through with it.

[Batya33]

No, it's not just about meaningless sex. For all practical purposes she's a stranger who might very well have other people staying with her or there in her house when you go there -so, sure, you're a guy but that doesn't mean it's physically safe. She might be a "he" or married/involved with someone who could get very angry about your being there. Then of course there's the STD risk -this stranger is unlikely to get tested in a way that would be accurate (if she even did) - because you'd have to believe that she was celibate between testing time and sex time. And then of course there's the pregnancy risk even if you use a condom.

 

Here's what I would do -if you want to meet her, go there, get a hotel room, and meet her during the day for lunch. If you hit it off, see her the next day but no sex. Then visit her a few more times at least before deciding whether to have sex.

[MattW]

No, it's not just about meaningless sex.

 

Well, no, I just mean that people here often call me out for not doing things for myself, and I'm just saying that even if I decide not to pursue this, you can't exactly call me out for not having casual sex, yanno?

 

 

For all practical purposes she's a stranger who might very well have other people staying with her or there in her house when you go there -so, sure, you're a guy but that doesn't mean it's physically safe. She might be a "he" or married/involved with someone who could get very angry about your being there. Then of course there's the STD risk -this stranger is unlikely to get tested in a way that would be accurate (if she even did) - because you'd have to believe that she was celibate between testing time and sex time. And then of course there's the pregnancy risk even if you use a condom.

 

The safety thing has crossed my mind. Still, I know she's a "she" (she regularly does live video chats), and her relationship status/ situation is well known. And again, she's always been a big proponent of safe sex, so I don't anticipate that would be huge issue, not anymore than it would be hooking up with anyone else, anyway (I never even hear about anyone I know getting tested; I know it's smart and good to do so, but it appears the majority of people don't).

[iamkaylee]

Hmm.. well, lying to your mom wouldn't be good at all and especially not still living at home.

 

Go for it, be safe, have fun and make an alternate plan in case "things" don't work out. Nothing wrong with a little fantasy like that regardless if you ever do actually do it.

 

From experience, a lot of people into this sort of thing are VERY much into safe sex. Condoms cleanliness and routine STD testing are as natural and normal as changing your socks. People that lead an open sexual lifestyle don't want a disease any more than anyone else does. They are far more likely to be tested for STD's then the general population is.

[blueidealist24]

Eh, come on. It's not like we're discussing some major life decision, here. In this case, what I do or don't do isn't really that relevant, is it? This is just about fun, yet meaningless, sex. Again, it's not like this is some big huge thing. I'm more interested in peoples' thoughts on the idea, rather than whether or not any of you guys think I, personally, will actually go through with it.

 

I just hope it wouldn't end with you being really attached to her emotionally and her just seeing it as sex. I know you don't feel that way about her now, but after you meet her you could become emotionally attached, especially with her being your first. You could say it won't happen but I know people who it's happened to, even after they insisted it wouldn't.

[Batya33]

Well, no, I just mean that people here often call me out for not doing things for myself, and I'm just saying that even if I decide not to pursue this, you can't exactly call me out for not having casual sex, yanno?

 

 

 

 

The safety thing has crossed my mind. Still, I know she's a "she" (she regularly does live video chats), and her relationship status/ situation is well known. And again, she's always been a big proponent of safe sex, so I don't anticipate that would be huge issue, not anymore than it would be hooking up with anyone else, anyway (I never even hear about anyone I know getting tested; I know it's smart and good to do so, but it appears the majority of people don't).

 

No you don't know any of that with anything close to certainty because of how you are in contact with her - obviously we can never really know but in this particular situation the risks are far greater especially since she's willing to have casual sex at her home with a stranger (yes, for practical purposes you are) -think about the kind of values/judgment she has to make that decision.

I always got tested and so did my partners and most of the people I knew -and you're meeting a stranger who has casual sex so all the more important. You have no idea if that is the same person on the videochats by the way.

 

Anyway, those are my thoughts -far too risky and not sure you want to be paying child support several states away because you wanted to have meaningless sex with a stranger (how much fun will it be if she claims she's pregnant and you have to prove it's not yours, from that distance?).

[MattW]

I just hope it wouldn't end with you being really attached to her emotionally and her just seeing it as sex. I know you don't feel that way about her now, but after you meet her you could become emotionally attached, especially with her being your first. You could say it won't happen but I know people who it's happened to, even after they insisted it wouldn't.

 

Hah, I doubt it. She's a bit too "kinky" for me to want to actually "date", and the distance would make that impossible, anyway. Besides, after I "struck out" with that girl I've been into from work, I've been retracting back into my shell and getting emotionally "detached" from everyone around me, and honestly, I'm feeling like I'm no longer open to getting emotionally "attached" to someone any time soon, if ever again.

 

No you don't know any of that with anything close to certainty because of how you are in contact with her - obviously we can never really know but in this particular situation the risks are far greater especially since she's willing to have casual sex at her home with a stranger (yes, for practical purposes you are) -think about the kind of values/judgment she has to make that decision.

I always got tested and so did my partners and most of the people I knew -and you're meeting a stranger who has casual sex so all the more important. You have no idea if that is the same person on the videochats by the way.

 

Anyway, those are my thoughts -far too risky and not sure you want to be paying child support several states away because you wanted to have meaningless sex with a stranger (how much fun will it be if she claims she's pregnant and you have to prove it's not yours, from that distance?).

 

Okay. You're not wrong, obviously. But looking at both sides of the coin, you take a lot of these risks whenever you have sex, with anyone. The only way to avoid those risks completely is to just never have sex at all, with anyone. The average person seems to be able to have sex and "hook up" without getting pregnant, or anything like that, and while that does happen, and it's not uncommon, I think as long as proper safe sex is performed, the chance of that kind of thing happening is fairly small, yanno?

[Batya33]

I understand that sex is always a risk - as I wrote --and you seemed to ignore -I am talking about the particular risks here. I don't agree with the rest of what you wrote and you wouldn't be having safe sex or a safe encounter with her IMO. And certainly it's even more dangerous meeting a stranger at her home far from where you live.

I think there are far more safe alternatives for you to meet someone and have a romantic/sexual relationship - once again, I would avoid rationalizing with the broad "it's all a risk" - of course it is, that's not the point. At all.

[PaintWithLight]

Have you ever thought about why she is even doing this?

 

If she is attractive, kinky and a minor online celeb with her own podcasts then it sounds like she would have no problem filling her bed. So the reason she would be up for something as random as importing an out-of-state, living at home with mom, still a virgin guy that she met online? I do not mean to be harsh but really what is her motivation here? She is going to actually let you stay at her house?? Strip away the masturbatory fantasy and look at the nuts and bolts. I cannot see what her motivation is here. How has she justified it to you?

[blueidealist24]

Have you ever thought about why she is even doing this?

 

If she is attractive, kinky and a minor online celeb with her own podcasts then it sounds like she would have no problem filling her bed. So the reason she would be up for something as random as importing an out-of-state, living at home with mom, still a virgin guy that she met online? I do not mean to be harsh but really what is her motivation here? She is going to actually let you stay at her house?? Strip away the masturbatory fantasy and look at the nuts and bolts. I cannot see what her motivation is here. How has she justified it to you?

 

MY first thought was that she is kind of a nympho and wants to have sex with as many guys as possible, especially if she spends all that time on a sex site, and the fact that Matt is a virgin also turns her on.

[PaintWithLight]

MY first thought was that she is kind of a nympho and wants to have sex with as many guys as possible, especially if she spends all that time on a sex site, and the fact that Matt is a virgin also turns her on.

 

But she gave him a 6-month open ended invite? Complete with guided city tour and a house stay? In the meantime, she will not get into anything serious while he saves up the money and creates a cover story for his Mom? What part of this scenario just does not ring true.

 

If the whole trip hinges on her continued interest in this "deflowering" fantasy how quickly could things change if something more kinky and local shows up on her radar. In these situations, talk is cheap on her end while Matt is busy saving for an air ticket and playing this over and over in his mind. This fantasy could keep him from finding someone real, local and available.

[blueidealist24]

But she gave him a 6-month open ended invite? Complete with guided city tour and a house stay? In the meantime, she will not get into anything serious while he saves up the money and creates a cover story for his Mom? What part of this scenario just does not ring true.

 

If the whole trip hinges on her continued interest in this "deflowering" fantasy how quickly could things change if something more kinky and local shows up on her radar. In these situations, talk is cheap on her end while Matt is busy saving for an air ticket and playing this over and over in his mind. This fantasy could keep him from finding someone real, local and available.

 

Yeah, that is true, she could very well back out of the deal if she meets some other virgin guy.

[leonardo5]

Yeah, that is true, she could very well back out of the deal if she meets some other virgin guy.

My advice: don’t think it twice and go for it.

Most of the posters of this thread are women. They are too caution and don’t know how urgent men have to fulfill our natural designers.

Of course there are risks, But it’s so in anything in this life.

My first time was when I was 20 with a 10 years older than me woman. We just chatted on the phone about 2 hours and decided to meet in person.

I was so nervous cos I thought about a lot of possibilities. Fortunately, it was ok and I always remember her cos she took my virginity.

Ohh…and don’t let the time goes too far. The offer is today, tomorrow…who knows.

[PaintWithLight]

My advice: don’t think it twice and go for it.

Most of the posters of this thread are women. They are too caution and don’t know how urgent men have to fulfill our natural designers.

Of course there are risks, But it’s so in anything in this life.

My first time was when I was 20 with a 10 years older than me woman. We just chatted on the phone about 2 hours and decided to meet in person.

I was so nervous cos I thought about a lot of possibilities. Fortunately, it was ok and I always remember her cos she took my virginity.

Ohh…and don’t let the time goes too far. The offer is today, tomorrow…who knows.

 

Okay, your example is not equal. The lady you chatted with was local, right? Or did you fly from Buenos Aires to Mendoza to hook up with this woman? Did you spend several days at her house? The distance here complicates everything. It is not just hooking up with a random older woman.

[becomingkate]

Matt, I say go for it.

 

I don't think you'll be hurt by it, especially if you feel you can trust her to be kind. At least you'll learn more about yourself in the process.

[itsallgrand]

Naw, I think you should just use this for motivation and energy. Now you have a spark - use it. You know there are women out there who would sleep with you - use that confidence. Nurse it, feed it. You have a reason in yourself that is important enough to you - the real possibility of sex and adventure - to make some changes and get moving.

 

Use all that energy to get s/t done! lol. Save up that money to move out of the family home. Save up the money for an adventure. If it helps thinking in anticipation of going a few states over and getting laid, use the thought to do it. But do it.

 

And while you are doing all this, I like that it is at least a year off in your mind, use that energy to sprawl out locally and meet women. Really.

 

There are a lot of good reasons not to do it. You know them. You are also acutely aware right now, this helps you, put into perspective what you really want. When you aren't just getting by day to day, shoving stuff down and dealing with it.....

 

harness the energy and make what you really want to happen, happen now.

 

Ideally Matt, what is it you want? Do you want to meet someone special?

[MattW]

Ideally Matt, what is it you want? Do you want to meet someone special?

 

Oh, I don't know anymore. Since I was a teenager, I always hoped I'd meet someone special, fall in love, and whatever. But, being that I've never even met one girl to go out with, or especially be in a relationship with, I think it's safe to say there's no "someone special" out there for me, and even if I manage to luck out and find "someone special", I won't be able to win her over, anyway.

 

So, I don't really know what I "want". On one hand, being that I don't think I'll ever get to experience that "someone special" stuff, it would be nice to find someone to have some "fun" with, just so I can see what that's like. On the other hand, a teeny tiny little part of me still wants to believe I can find and win over "someone special", and I feel like anything else would "taint" me, or something like that.

 

Anyway, as for this particular woman, let me try to clear things up. She's in an "open" (long distance) relationship. She's not offering to "wait" for me in the sense that she's not going to sleep with other guys, or anything like that, she just made the offer that, if I was ever interested in making the trip, she'd be perfectly willing to give me a "fun" weekend, in hope that it might loosen me up and give me some confidence.

[leonardo5]

Okay, your example is not equal. The lady you chatted with was local, right? Or did you fly from Buenos Aires to Mendoza to hook up with this woman? Did you spend several days at her house? The distance here complicates everything. It is not just hooking up with a random older woman.

Well, I'm glad knowing there is at least one American that knows behind his own country borders. Congratulation for that!!!

Answering your question, yeah... it was a local encounter. I was living in Mar del Plata at that time BTW since you seem to know the country.

[blueidealist24]

 

Anyway, as for this particular woman, let me try to clear things up. She's in an "open" (long distance) relationship. She's not offering to "wait" for me in the sense that she's not going to sleep with other guys, or anything like that, she just made the offer that, if I was ever interested in making the trip, she'd be perfectly willing to give me a "fun" weekend, in hope that it might loosen me up and give me some confidence.

 

With that info, make sure STD tests occur..