Does anyone else think this is inappropriate?

[OneGalGuy]

I will try to make this post short and concise. My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and a month and thus far, everythings been great. We are both 18 and students at the same university. Quite often, my girlfriend likes to go to Disneyland because she has a pass. I cant afford to get a pass or buy a ticket very often so most of the time she goes with other friends. Thats cool. One time, she told me she was going with her male friend. Just them two. I know the guy and apparently he considers me his friend, but I hate him, as do most guys. All his friends are girls, hes very opinionated, outspoken and he's kind of feminine, giving me the impression he's gay. All the guys think he's gay, but all the girls argue he's not. Anyway I told her that was awkward and she got a little upset and defended herself by saying it was just a joke. But, now she says shes going with him and its not a joke so clearly she wasnt joking the first time. It upsets me because she gets peeved when I hang out with some of my college friends who are girls, yet we never do anything like go to Disneyland and im always with my male dorm mates too. I would probably never go without her or at least without inviting her because thats just disrespectful in my opinion. She didnt even invite me. All she said was "Im going to Disneyland tomorrow with ____. But can we get breakfast before?". Am I out of line to think this is wrong or at least a little bit weird? This is not the first time this has happened. One time, she went with her friend and her boyfriend as well as another guy and everyone I asked thought it was like a double date. When confronted she promised it wasnt, and she would never lie to me. What is going on here?

[pippy longstocking]

I think she just likes going to disney land ....with anyone

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

If you can't afford to go and you honestly believe she isn't lying to you then she is most likely just going with this guy because she wants to go.

 

I have one male friend that i spend one on one time with regularly. He is one of two people who have always been there for me, i've been friends with this guy since i was 14 and we do have a little bit of a history (I had very strong feelings for him for a very long time). My boyfriend never said anything, but i think at first that upset him a little, just the thought of me going to lunch or driving around with another single guy that i did briefly date. But then my boyfriend made the effort to come with me a few times. So he got to see how we act around one another, and we are very much just friends. Now he doesn't care at all.

 

Maybe try the same thing, is there any reason you don't like this guy? Maybe if you could try and get past that you will be able to see how they act around each other, as well as maybe even become friends with the guy so you could all spend time together (there by reducing the time she would spend alone with him, if that still upsets you).

[Klokwurk]

You make it sound like being feminine and the possibility of he being gay is what legitimizes your and other guys' hatred of him. This makes it seem like you are intolerant and judgmental, qualities your girlfriend might find pleasant to get away from.

 

Regardless, I do not think her behavior is inappropriate, unless she has cheated on you in the past. She is young and wants to live her life, and does not want to feel tied down to you. Give her that freedom willingly, and she might see how strong and secure you are/are not.

[kampuniform]

I’d keep my options open at this juncture, because she most certainly is.

 

No one who is functional, and in a committed relationship, gets the idea to go out with the opposite sex on, what is arguably, a quasi-date without first making an attempt to invite their partner. They will either: not go; go alone; or wait until their partner is available to accompany them on the excursion.

 

Her behaviour confesses her mindset, not her words: she feels that she doesn’t have to be accountable to you. Not wanting to be held to account means that you prefer being single, and she is acting like she is single.

 

Hedging her bets: Enjoying the benefits of your anchoring presence while she engages in her dalliances.

 

Her odd behaviour is causing you some anxiety, and she addresses your concerns by…ignoring them.

 

Charming girl.

 

As Klaus Kinski once said,

 

“Always judge a person by their debaucheries, because kindness can easily be faked.”

 

Always judge the behaviour, and discard the words.

 

Always.

[FYI]

Above all else, she did infact lie to you about the joke of going to Disney Land but as we found out that later became the truth. He did go. So it was not a joke. What it was, it was a test to see how you would respond to her going somewhere without you. If you would've never fussed than she wouldn't have pulled the plug on the idea. Since you did fuss, she doubled-back and said it was a joke. She has the right to hangout with a friend at the amusement park. As long as he's a friend and it doesn't matter what his sexual orientation is, what matters is that he's a friend.

[OneGalGuy]

Thanks for the responses.

Just to clarify, I dont dislike this guy purely over the fact that hes feminine or the fact that he's friends with my girlfriend. Even if he exhibited more male-like behavior, I highly doubt my opinion of him would change. I dont make it blatantly clear that I dislike him, which is probably why she thinks I dont mind her going with him. Let it be known that she free to do whatever she wants. I let her decide what she feels is appropriate and what is not, which is why I didnt intervene when she told me she was going. The only thing is, hypothetically, if I went to some amusement park or anywhere else with another one of my female friends just the two of us, she'd be upset.

[Klokwurk]

You gotta let her be upset sometimes, and stand your ground. It is only fair that if she does it, you can do it too.

[Lambert]

I think it's unfair that she doesn't want you to be with your female friends but she can go with this guy. If that's the way you want to be treated, then keep dealing with and letting the double standard ride.