My ex and I got back together after 13 months apart

[Belladonna1012]

Me and my ex got back together this thanksgiving after a year apart. We broke up because he wouldn't give me a key to his place. Hurt me because I had known him then for 3 years and dated for about 18 months. So I walked out just like that. He had trust issues. He needed to deal with it. He tried to reach out to me several times but I did not pick-up.

Anyway I tried to forget him. Then I found out he'd moved to a different state. I cried and I felt like I had lost him forever. Well the next day he calls me out of the blue at 5am in the morning. I answered for the first time in a year. He told me he missed me, was still in love with me and dreamt about me all the time. Well I was not expecting all that.

So we text back and forth. Got into a few arguments and he finally told me why he would not give me a key. Trust issues. Something happened during our past relationship that he didn't get over. No I did not cheat. It's another story on its own.

It really took me aback. I decided to let him go. I wrote a nice email, told him to work on his trust issues and bid him farewell.

Fast forward. I realized one day that I really loved this man and I want us to be together only thing that's stopping us is me. He is still in love with me after 13 months. I could not bare the thought of him being with someone else. Which I am sure he dated in the one year we were apart. So I swallowed my pride and called him. I was going to be in his state over thanksgiving visiting my sister and I told him I wanted to see him.

Long story short I told him I was sorry for walking out like that and we should talk about what went wrong and try to work things out. He gave me a hug and said "it's ok honey"

He wants us to take things slow which I am ok with because we are starting over. But when we connected it was like we never broke up.

Still have my fears but we talked about my fears and his. Mine is I am 40 with kids he is 41 with non and wants kids. When we were together before I was afraid he would leave me for a younger girl to have babies with. But he always tried to reach out to me when we were broken up. I pray things workout. He has a fear of a failed marriage. His parents were not together and he does not want that for his children.

Have not told my family yet because they will think I am stupid my brother believes my boyfriend will never marry me and is just waiting for the "right" woman to come. I just really don't wanna hear that.

I need help in taking it slow...

[SpottiOtti]

What does "taking it slow" mean to you?

 

What does it mean to him?

[maron]

thank you for sharing your story. what are your ideas in taking it slow? i don't have any advice, but i'd like to start a discussion by responding. hopefully someone else will chime in. though... i agree that you not telling your family yet is a good idea. your brother specifically, may or may not be correct in his assessment, but his opinions come from a place of loving you and watching out for you. i've had family members get back together with their exes and while other relatives had their own opinions, the one thing they definitely agreed on is to not abandon the "stupid" family member for getting back with an ex. compassion is important, too.

[Belladonna1012]

I am an emotional person and he knows that. We talk about "taking it slow". In other words take things one day at a time and see if we can really seal the deal this time around without us making promises. We are very emotionally connected on many levels. And the last time we dated I got to the end of the book, while he was still 3/4 way through. Using the book analogy to explain things. So this time he does not want that to happen which to me is kinda stupid because we can't really control how fast we move with our emotions. One thing we both agree on is we do not want to hurt each other or get hurt either. All we have today is the love we have for each other and the idea is to nurture that love and pray it grows.

 

Left to me. We have known each other since 2009, did not date the entire time. what are we waiting for. That's why my brother made the statement he did. I don't know if I am wrong for doing this. But I have given myself a mental deadline for "taking it slow". Which is 6 months to a year. Of course I didn't tell him. Once we get to the "deadline" I will asses the situation and see what actions to take. I already know he is who I want to spend the rest of my life with and I think he knows that. I have always told him we are soul-mates. So he knows how I feel. That's where I believe the "taking it slow" initiated from.

 

It does help that we live in different states now. All we have is the phone and FaceTime. That's how we communicate. We talk everyday. I think that's a good start.

[Belladonna1012]

One more thing we were supposed to move together out of state. Not live together but move together. One of his big issues with me is I have a big heart which is not a bad thing, but he feels like my family take advantage of me. Why? In the 4 years we've been together his watched my sister, brother parents now cousin move into my house for different reasons. My sister and brother have moved out. My parents are still with me and have been with me for 3 years now so my mom could finish her nursing program. Well she is done and is moving out with my dad in March. But then there is my cousin who I took in because my dad asked me. She had no where to go. She too will be moving out in March.

He feels they won't do the same for me (he is right) first instance was before we started dating. My youngest child was conceived out of wedlock. During that time my family treated me like I had the plague. Especially my mother who did not speak to me for the first 5 months of my pregnancy. But yet I inconvenienced myself for her for 3 years. Then there is my sister who lost her job and moved in with me indefinitely. She finally got a job and moved out of state. So I am planning on moving to the same state my sister is in. She bought her nice 4 bedroom house. She lives a lone with her dog. I asked to stay with her once I have job interviews lined up. She said nope. Why? Because she does not want my kids to "destroy" her house. So you see he does have a point there. I am changing that. I am looking at my family through a different set of eyes now. By the way they all stay/stayed at my house rent free. So I supported them and my 3 children alone. He really did not like that

[maron]

i'm sorry to hear about your family's treatment of you, bella. i really believe a good deed is not forgotten. he didn't like it because he cares about you and i think it speaks much more about you that you helped out your family without expectations and yet when it was their turn to step up, they refused to return the support. i can't imagine not having the support system of a family, yet i hope you don't regret helping out. what a great example for your children. my parents' kindnesses have been taken advantage of too, but more than anything else, i remember more their practice of forgiveness and implementing boundaries without lashing out and being aggressively confrontational. oh sure, i heard them talk about how upset they are - but never at the person. when they have to defend themselves, they do but their words never come from raw anger or hurt. i really don't know how they do this, manage to choose to act opposite of their base reaction. maybe that's really maturity, where they allow for feelings but when dealing with the problem, the emotional stuff is gone because they dealt with it first before acting. you know, just staying quiet for a while to cool off instead of reacting right away. they don't hold grudges - "we all make mistakes," they tell me - and have a great quality of life as a result, even through bad times. they never told me anything, they just did it and i watched; now, i try to model that. your children are watching you, too.

 

your use of the distance as an advantage takes a very different type of mindset and viewpoint. what do you mean, the distance is helpful? huh, communication through phone, and FaceTime as good starts? what am i reading, am i in the twilight zone? you're more worried about how to take things slow than being afraid? how are you balancing all of that while being an emotional person? i think it's admirable. i think you haven't done anything "wrong" and you're doing well with what you've been carrying on with. the distance protects you from being around him should this not work out and you can heal away from his eyes and away from news about you getting to him. you have a "deadline," which is reasonable because if it's in your best interest to move on from this guy who doesn't want to get married and you want to be married, well... you can walk away knowing you gave it your best shot. can't really change anyone's mind about something as important as marriage, unless the change comes from themselves.

 

i don't have much to contribute anymore at this point, i'm sorry. i hope the family front gets better, but it sounds like you have a good support system (not necessarily ex) regardless of their support's presence. whatever you share with us, thank you and much happiness to you and your children.

[Belladonna1012]

Maron thanks for the advice on family. It's not in my nature to grudge anyone but I am looking at my family through a different pair of eyes.

The distance does help us take things slow. For one thing we are not doing the do. Don't get me wrong whenever we are together we can't keep our hands off each other. Our hearts are connected, and we are physically attracted to each other like crazy. We don't want the physical thing to "cloud" our judgement. Besides its only been two weeks since we got back together. He does want to get married but he does not want to rush into it. He wants to know that i would be there no matter what. Me walking out on him without a discussion really did not help my case. But he knows why i left but feels the situation could have been resolved differently. I respect that. We plan on seeing each other at least once a month until I am able to find a job and move closer and away from my family.

I am thankful I found this forum because I can't discuss this with anyone until we know exactly what direction we are going n