Don't know how much longer I can take it...

[MattW]

I was doing so good for the last 3-4 years, not even caring or thinking much about the fact that I can't seem to date or find anyone to experience that stuff with. If you don't know my stories, I'm almost 24, and I've never had anyone in my life "romantically". I always wished I did, but it never happened, and I have various problems that seem to prevent it from happening in general.

 

The biggest problem is that I very rarely develop personal attraction to girls I meet. Over the last eight or so years, I've found two I really wanted to date (and technically, the first girl would've been a horrible match for me). I'm not "picky" in that I'm going "That girl's not pretty enough, this girl doesn't do that, etc.". I just don't have the right "chemistry", personality-wise, with a vast majority of the girls I've met. I can be friends with girls just fine, but there's never been any mutual attraction.

 

Currently, I'm still hung up on the last girl I wanted to date, as she and I are still friends, and she'll have a presence in my life for at least another month or so. I know things with her are most likely never going to happen, but I can't stop myself from foolishly holding onto hope that maybe something could change before she leaves for good. I know it won't, but I just can't get myself to "let go" of the feelings I have for her, because I really thought this was the start of something, and it kills me a little inside to think about the alternative...

 

The alternative being that once she's gone, it'll likely be several more years before I encounter another girl I want to date. And even then, she might turn me down, too, so that'll be several more years after that, and so on. I'm even dabbling around on some online dating sites, but I just can't get into the idea of online dating. It just doesn't work for me, it doesn't feel right. But I'm trying to give it at least a small chance, just to have some extra little opportunities.

 

What I want is someone I'm compatible with, and someone I have mutual attraction to. But I don't feel I'll ever find someone that I can have both of those with. Best case scenario, maybe I'll find one or the other, but I don't think I'll ever find both. And without both, I'm not sure I'd be happy with that person.

 

I'm just so sick of not having that. I hate that I'm 24 and still don't have that companionship, the affection, the intimacy. I hate that I can't find even one girl to share my life with, that I can really be happy with. I hate that it'll probably be years before I ever find that, if I ever do. I'm so sick of the loneliness. I just don't even know how much more I can take. I buried it deep down for so many years, now, and then I let myself fall for a girl a few months ago, and now I'm flooded with these horrible emotions and thoughts again.

[El0t]

Don't worry so much about developing a "deep personal attraction". Spend some time just going out and casually dating... Meet people you can have a good time getting to know, even if they're not serious relationship material. This is a great way to practice "dating skills" and how to communicate. When the right person comes along, you'll be much better equipped. If you're looking too hard for a serious relationship, you'll just scare people away, even if they potentially want the same thing... Focus on yourself and just being happy and positive. It's crazy but people can sense negativity and the lack of confidence, not usually an attractive trait. =/

Also realize, by placing so much importance on having a relationship in your life will not end up well when you do find someone to be with. A healthy and stable relationship starts with two people who are healthy and stable as individuals...

[Jamesonn]

Maybe we should begin to address the bigger problem. Why do you feel you can't be attracted to other women and it takes so long for chemistry? Biologically speaking I find it very hard to believe that you don't find lots of girls attractive. Even in the physical sense it should exist. I almost believe you are in denial of your feelings. If you gave more women a chance or allowed feelings to develop for people perhaps just even on a physical premise, you may find that they can have great personalities to.

 

What do you think the cause is? I don't "buy" that you don't feel attracted to girls. On a further note, don't you think it's possible for feelings to develop when you go out with them? It seems the women you get mentally involved with haven't even gone on a date with you so I don't see how you can make the assumption that you don't hit it off with women if you haven't even gone out with them in the first place. The problem lies deeper.

[MattW]

I'm not sure what to tell you. Let me start by clarifying. My whole thing about having a hard time getting attracted to girls and needing time to get to know them, that's not some deeply held belief I've had this entire time. That's just a realization I recently came to after I looked back at the past. It's not like for the last eight or so years I've been going "There's not many girls for me, and I have to know them x amount of time first". I never even really thought about that until I started reflecting back on those years, over the last few months.

 

The thing is, I really need their to be a "reason" for me to want to ask out a particular girl. If I ask a girl out, I want to want to ask her out, if that makes sense. I don't want to just feel like "Eh, I guess I'll ask that girl out just because". I want to know her a decent amount to the point where I can think "Wow, she's a really cool person, I really want to spend more time with her".

[sportsguy9981]

If I were you id feel glad that you havent experienced long term relationships, ive gotten used the last 2 times by women... you should feel glad that you havent met the wrong people, because usually thats what people do first.

[MattW]

If I were you id feel glad that you havent experienced long term relationships, ive gotten used the last 2 times by women... you should feel glad that you havent met the wrong people, because usually thats what people do first.

 

Perhaps, but waiting longer won't necessarily guarantee that I won't get hurt or get with someone that ends up being bad for me, yanno? I mean, I guess it's nice to not be getting hurt NOW, but I'd rather get it over with now than be "getting hurt" when I'm in my 40s and 50s.

[MattW]

I don't know, I can't help but wonder, at what point is it abundantly clear that I'm a lost cause? I have a hard time believing I'll ever be able to find and attract a girl that will be good for me and that I'll be really happy with. I can't even really picture it for myself anymore. Just seems like a bizarre, unlikely scenario, yanno?

[Jamesonn]

Hey MattW,

 

Have you considered counseling of any sort out of curiosity? I think a lot of members on this forum have shared a lot of their experiences but perhaps there is something that is being missed. I'm just suggesting you might find it beneficial to talk with someone who might be able to steer you in a direction that others can't.

 

Just a thought...

[chitown9]

Matt....the thing that strikes me is that you have all these concerns and you are only 24 years old. You really have not even begun to live...

[MattW]

Hey MattW,

 

Have you considered counseling of any sort out of curiosity? I think a lot of members on this forum have shared a lot of their experiences but perhaps there is something that is being missed. I'm just suggesting you might find it beneficial to talk with someone who might be able to steer you in a direction that others can't.

 

Just a thought...

 

I dunno, I'm just... skeptical of that, because it's going to cost money, and I'm not sure if it'll actually do me any good. I'm just wary of throwing money into something that won't really help me the way it should.

 

Matt....the thing that strikes me is that you have all these concerns and you are only 24 years old. You really have not even begun to live...

 

People say that all the time, but at what point does that stop being true? 24 may still be relatively young, but I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't know anybody (offline) that is as bad off romantically (and to a lesser extent, socially) as myself. I see people younger than myself advancing through life quicker than I am. The years are passing me by, here. 2011, heck even 2010, feels like it was just yesterday, but it's already been 1-2 years, and I'm still pretty bad off. I mean, I've advanced in these last 3-4 months a lot more than I have over the last 5-6 years, and that's great, but I still feel so far away from where I wish I was, meanwhile, everyone around me is there, and has been there longer than I have.

 

And before anyone gives me the "Don't compare yourself to others" schpiel, I've heard it before, and I'm not "comparing" myself to others because I'm jealous, I'm simply comparing myself because I don't understand what's wrong with me that makes me so bad off compared to everyone else. Clearly, there's something about me that's just not right, otherwise, I'd have a large social circle, I'd be going out every weekend, living life, I probably would've had at least one serious relationship with a girl at some point, I'd be done with college, I'd be working at a more meaningful job.

 

But no, I'm 24, I have no real friends, I barely "get out", I've never even been on a date with a girl, I'm still plodding my way through college, and working a part time retail job that I hate. My life shouldn't be like this, not at 24.

[Slimpee]

 

But no, I'm 24, I have no real friends, I barely "get out", I've never even been on a date with a girl, I'm still plodding my way through college, and working a part time retail job that I hate. My life shouldn't be like this, not at 24.

 

I've read a lot of your posts and there are two over-arching themes: 1. You aren't happy with your life and 2. You don't know how to change but anytime someone suggests something, you challenge it and give reasons why the proposed change can't/won't work.

 

I've done it before and i'm going to do it again: If you aren't happy, change something. Matt, the one person who has control over your life is you. You are choosing to feel this way, buddy. You mope about women, friends, job, etc. So change something. Perhaps, first change your mindset.

 

You're 24. You say you should be doing something different with your life. You don't really say what it is but you don't seem to think you're doing it right. Man...F that! You're young, obviously intelligent, and in college! You have a wealth of opportunity. You say you don't have friends and don't go out? Dude, join a student group, do drama, study with people from your class, etc.. Unless you're doing a for-profit college or online or something, I guarantee your school has stuff you could do. If not your school, your community.

 

Regardless, the power to change is in YOU. Instead of complaining on the internet, make a plan to change. Write down something you can do today. Perhaps look for a student group, or google search stuff you can do in your community. Whatever it is, write down small, incremental steps that you can accomplish instead of just staring hopelessly at the big picture.

 

Also, you should go to counseling. Please do it. Look for resources at your school and in your community...perhaps churches. Help is out there. I go to a large university and I was able to get free counseling for much of last school year.

 

Whatever you do, DO SOMETHING. And quit telling everyone why their suggestions won't work.

 

Finally, read this and take it to heart: link removed

[LoveSoDeep]

I agree with Slimpee....

 

I was going to say you seem to be paiting yourself into a corner...you say allthese negative things about yourself but when people say to change you resist it. This whao is me victim mentality is not going to serve you well. First b/c women don;t find that attractive...second b/c it'll never bring about the change you need.

 

Go out and do one thing different. It's a lmost a new year make a resolution to join a new club, play a new sport, pick up a new hobby....anything that gets you out in the real world interacting with new people. stop building walls up around you and breask a few down so that maybe just maybe love can find it's way in.

 

ETA: that article linked above READ IT!

[kittymeow22]

 

But no, I'm 24, I have no real friends, I barely "get out", I've never even been on a date with a girl, I'm still plodding my way through college, and working a part time retail job that I hate. My life shouldn't be like this, not at 24.

 

Why aren't you going out and getting yourself out there? It seems like you aren't finding people you are interested in because you aren't really making an effort. Go to a bar even if your by yourself and get a drink. Talk to people around you, male or females. Start making friends. In your college classes start talking to people in your class. Go to study sessions. How about the people you work with? Why don't you hang out with them. You need to get yourself out there instead of being upset