New man- why is he backing of!!??

[angel607]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post here- seems like an excellent advice site. Ok onwards to the problem!

 

I met a guy on an online forum about 8 months ago- we bgan chatting daily via email and later MSN. We got on very well, and neither of us reallt thought much would come from it. However the forum we met on were having a meet in London so he was going to come down from Exeter- I offered my place for his to stay at. We swapped phone numbers and began chatting lots on the phone- sometimes for hours. Neither of us could wait to meet eachother so I booked a coach ride to see him in Exeter (for a week). This was last week- we had an amazing time together and I told him I felt 'very strongly' about him and made it clear I wanted to start seeing him. He treats me like his girlfriend, tells me I mean the world to him and that he has never felt this way about anyone before.

 

However he then dropped the bombshell on me- although he likes me he dosn't want a relationship. He told me he is confused and it wouldn't be fair on me. I think the distance is also an issue- he has said it would be too hard to say goodbye to me and that things would be different if we live closer. He had a tough time as a child and it has really effected his self esteem now. He said he feels like the voice in his head is telling him to back of whenever he feels like he is getting close to me.

 

Any ideas on my plan of action? He is coming to stay with me in a week....

[JohnnyRingo]

sounds like he has commitment issues and self esteem issues. not much you can do from your end. just do the best you can to show him how much you care about him and that your not going to leave him (thats what hes afraid of, so he doesnt even want to start a relationship). just express your feelings, reassure him and for gods sake have fun. good luck.

[Day_Walker]

Well he has his reasons why he doesnt want a long distance relationship. Why dont you just spend time with him and see how it goes instead of asking for a relationship. A relationship is not something he wants and do u think u can make him want one? I dont think it would be constructive for u to change his mind, let him change it on his own if he sees fit.

[Nick3964]

If you think it would be too difficult to have him living with you for a week, as only a friend, after growing close for 8 months, I'd be honest and ask him to make other arrangements, at least when it comes to where he sleeps. No one could possibly know what's truly going on in his head, but him. It seems like a game. He could be afraid of comittment. He could just want some light fun without any responsiblity or accountability. Maybe he's involved with another or others. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way as you do. It's so difficult when relationships get complicated and you end up playing guessing games as to what the other really means or wants. Don't go there. As hard as it is, stand up for yourself, for your needs, and what you can accept.

[Pyralis]

Hi Angel,

 

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't working out great with your guy. I've recently had a long distance Internet relationship fail, so I don't consider myself an expert on the subject, and since I don't know your b/f, most of what I'm saying is coming from assumption and personal experience…

 

I too have had a tough time growing up and I'm fully aware of how the scars can remain even through to adulthood. I assume that your b/f has had bad experiences during childhood that has resulted in him having low self-confidence/self-esteem. I think that he may doubt his own abilities to keep you interested over the distance. I know this feeling all to well. About the distance being a factor… No doubt in my mind that this could be a problem, but not as big a problem in your case than it was in mine. You two have already taken the first step in meeting each other face to face and have already spent time together and have had a wonderful time doing so. I don't see it being too much of a problem since you have already made it over that first hurdle. In my case the distance was too great (4,000 km) to make casual visits possible. Unfortunately our relationship didn't last long enough for a first visit to take place. I know how hard it is, always having to say good-bye. When talking to my ex-g/f online that was always the longest, most drawn out and most difficult part of our conversation. The pain of separation was just too great. That may be another reason for him being reluctant to enter into the relationship. He doesn't want the heartache of always having to be apart from you for extended periods of time.

 

Well, that's my take on it anyway. It may be pretty inaccurate since I don't have all the facts. All I can suggest for when you see him next is to try to reassure him that you love him and that you are very much willing to give the relationship your very best effort. He's probably scared of loosing you over the distance and doesn't want to take that chance. Let him know that you will be willing to stick by him and that you won't be leaving him. I'm sure that he would very much like to hear that.

 

I hope this helps, Angel. And welcome to eNotAlone. I agree, this is a wonderful site with many great members that are always willing to give advice and support to people in need. I hope you will be as pleased with this forum as I am.

[angel607]

Thanks for all of your replies. I know I need to sit back and give him time and space. I'd hate for his to feel pressurised into being with me- it's deffinintly not the right way to start a relationship. If he does decide to be with me, I want it to be because he wants to.

 

It's just really hard to get the self control to hold back when all I want to do is be and talk with him. I think he is sorting through his issues now, my priority is just to support him where I can.

 

Thanks again!