My boyfriend is a drunk! :(

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

Please help! I really can use some good advice. I am not sure if I am overreacting, or I need to just get out of this toxic relationship.

 

I have been with my boyfriend now for a little over a year and a half. The first 9 months were AMAZING! I get it..it was the "honeymoon" stage. But, really it was different. This was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had found "the one"

 

We moved in together at about 6 months into our relationship.(Last November) In March, he started to go out more, and things were getting bad. He would get SO drunk. Beyond drunk. Couldn't walk, barley talk, just a complete MESS! Every single time he drank he was like this. Coming home at 6-8AM or sleeping at his dads not even calling me. One time he didn't come home for 3 days. Didn't even contact me once. When he came back, he actually gave me an ultimatum to never speak with my ex again, and that "it killed him we were friends." By friends, it was I saw him twice in a year WITH my current boyfriend, at a mutual friends, and briefly spoke on the phone once every few weeks. Completely innocent. Never did anything wrong. I have since cut contact with my ex. This going out all night went on from last March to August. Just such a big mess. I can't even count how many times. Maybe 20?? A LOT! Let me also note, he doesn't drink at home, he doesn't drink if we go out to dinner. It is only when he goes out to the bar. 99% of the time, once he starts, he can't stop. He gets blackout drunk almost every time. I also want to note, I really don't think he has cheated on me. I have lost a lot of trust, but that I truly don't think he has. I don't even think he would be capable in the state he gets in. I can go on about this in detail. There is so much more. But that is it in a nutshell. They last time in August when he didn't come home, I thought I was done. I ignored him for a day and he begged and promised, and pleaded for me to forgive him. And I did.

 

Okay, now since then, our relationship has been good. Not great. But much better. We have still have a lot to work on. He hasn't really gone out, and the couple times he did, we did together, and he actually did drink but didn't get trashed! HUGE improvement.

 

Due to money issues we had to move back home last month temporarily(6 months) We moved out last month. Originally the plan was we were going to go back and forth from my moms to his dads. Since his dad lives 45 minutes away(further from both of our jobs) we have been staying at my moms every night together expect for 3 times we stayed at his dads.

 

Last night the plan was to stay at his dads since his birthday was the night before. I told him I was going to shower at my moms, and just come over in my pajamas at around 8. at 7 I received this text from him:

 

Him: 7PM Baby can you make it 9. I am stopping by my friend Johns house around the corner from me. I haven't seen him in a long time. Is that okay?

 

Me: Sure. See you soon

 

Him: Thank you Honey

 

Him: 8:50

 

Me: um, I'm 10 mins from your house...... in my pj's.

 

Him: Come in your Pj's. nobody is here.

 

Me: lol what? no thank you.

 

Him: Please come

 

Him: Baby....

 

Then I called him. I told him I was a few minutes away from his house, and if he is going to be home? He said no, that he was out. I got really upset. He kept asking me to come out. He said his friends wife didn't care so why do I? Even though this isn't as bad as the past, I feel he doesn't respect me. Why would he make plans to go to bar when I am 10 minutes from his house? he lives 45 minutes away!! He said his friend asked him to go. So? He should have said, "My gf is on her way. Let me call my gf and see if she would like to go. If not another day" Right? When I spoke to him he was drunk, but not trashed ...yet. To make it even worse, I got lost on the way home and went ANOTHER hour the WRONG way lol. I didn't get home until almost midnight.

 

I haven't even heard from him today. I don't think he even went to work. And he says he has no sick days. When do I say enough is enough? What should I do. I am so torn!!

 

Thank you so much in advance for any input! I really appreciate it!

[camus154]

Sorry, but you're dating a child. I can appreciate getting caught up with friends and wanting you to come join them, but when you said you were already on your way in your PJ's, that should have been the end of it. He needed to put his big boy pants on, say good bye to his friend, and head home.

 

I think you should dump him, frankly speaking.

[iamkaylee]

I hate to say it but your BF has a huge problem with alcohol. He's a binge drinker and eventually this is going to get him in jail, an accident or worse. There isn't much you can do except sit down and talk with him. You might consider bringing it up with his dad and sharing your concerns with him.

 

Yoir BF needs to stop drinking until he has the maturity level to control himself and not drink to the point of being completely wasted. If he can't drink within a reasonable limit he needs to stop drinking for good.

 

If your BF will not listen to reason or accept he has a problem, I would consider leaving the relationship. You don't want to be waiting one night for the phone call he's gotten a DWI or killed someone innocent.

[Huntress0527]

I would leave. I dated an alcoholic that really escalated. It normally doesn't get better.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

Thank you Camus. I know you are right. It is just so hard. He is a completely different person when he sober..which is I guess most of the time. He has acknowledged he has a drinking problem. (Binge drinks) The fact that he wasn't even THAT drunk when we spoke(I don't think), and had such disregard for me, speaks volumes.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I hate to say it but your BF has a huge problem with alcohol. He's a binge drinker and eventually this is going to get him in jail, an accident or worse. There isn't much you can do except sit down and talk with him. You might consider bringing it up with his dad and sharing your concerns with him.

 

Yoir BF needs to stop drinking until he has the maturity level to control himself and not drink to the point of being completely wasted. If he can't drink within a reasonable limit he needs to stop drinking for good.

 

If your BF will not listen to reason or accept he has a problem, I would consider leaving the relationship. You don't want to be waiting one night for the phone call he's gotten a DWI or killed someone innocent.

 

Thank you Iam. I tell him that all the time. He acts like I control him and don't want to go out. I never cared before all of this happened. Not at all. I trusted him 100% It's healthy to spend time with friends. But now, I don't really want him going out. I have seen him walk in the middle of the road (well not walking stumbling) not even looking. I have seen him yell at strangers for no reason. I worry about his safety. His dad is very upset with him. Apparently he has been like this for a long time. I was thinking about an intervention? But then he might get mad. I think if you can't control your drinking, you shouldn't drink at all. He needs to completely stop. I am just not sure if he wants to. That's the problem. And he has in the past which is BAD, but he doesn't drink and drive. He will walk or take a taxi.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I would leave. I dated an alcoholic that really escalated. It normally doesn't get better.

 

Thank you Huntress. Was your ex a binge drinker also? I feel my bf being a binge drinker is better than someone who NEEDS to drink everyday. Maybe I am wrong. I feel like if he can go a month without drinking, maybe there is hope?

[iamkaylee]

If you care about him and want to save the relationship, talk to his dad and discuss having an intervention type confrontation with him. You both must be absolutely clear what you are willing and not willing to accept and do before you go "intervention" style on someone. If you're not, it will not work. There's no guarantee it will help (usually doesn't) and I can almost guarantee your BF will get mad. Oh well if he does and if you choose to go this route, that is the attitude you must take.

 

If you don't want to save the relationship at this point, then end it and do not feel bad about doing so. If you are not sure yet, you'll know when you've had enough. Your BF sounds incredibly immature and with this being a long time problem combined with his attitude the other night, I would walk and not look back. His "partying" comes way before you or common sense does.

[Coily]

Thank you Huntress. Was your ex a binge drinker also? I feel my bf being a binge drinker is better than someone who NEEDS to drink everyday. Maybe I am wrong. I feel like if he can go a month without drinking, maybe there is hope?

 

Binge drinkers are just as bad as standard drunks. Sorry. You are fighting a battle he has no interest in, and will lead to problems down the road. I have two friends who are drunks, and don't hang out with them much because of that fact. Now I would say I teeter close to that brink myself at times, and realize that is going to be a big obstacle in any serious relationship. It is the elephant in the relationship room so to speak, since you likely have better options why put up with a guy who does not want to improve his own life?

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

OH! He JUST texted me now. First thing I have heard from him. "Hi......

 

Do I respond? I am so upset! I don't know how someone who says they love you and wants to spend their life with me, treat me this way. I got NO sleep. I can't eat. I am at work sitting hear like a zombie about to cry. AGAIN just like back in the summer. Why does he keep doing this to me?

[TalkThatTalk9]

you should read my post in my profile from a year ago called "he is gone too much can't take it anymore"

I had same problem as you. says it all there.

spent 6 years trying to get my ex to realize he was a drunk he refused to aknowledge it.

it ruined our relationship. got to the point he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

he was drunk or drinking whenever I saw him

until they realize they have a problem they will not change.

I wish I had left 6 years ago when he splashed a cup of pop in my face in front of his friends when drunk...

or when he dragged me up his basement stairs because he did not like me yelling at his friends (because they were drunkily taunting me calling me fat)

yet I stayed because I thought he would grow out of the party faze or he would chamge

 

he never did. and still hasnt. now he has a woman who loves partying as mich as he does. and I am alone picking up the pieces of my life due to his abuse

[TalkThatTalk9]

OH! He JUST texted me now. First thing I have heard from him. "Hi......

 

Do I respond? I am so upset! I don't know how someone who says they love you and wants to spend their life with me, treat me this way. I got NO sleep. I can't eat. I am at work sitting hear like a zombie about to cry. AGAIN just like back in the summer. Why does he keep doing this to me?

 

honey I have been there. i had to teach kids while sick with migraines and vomitting with stress over his drinking and him dissappearing

it is so so so so not worth it.

i feel your pain

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I do want to save it. I want him to be the same caring boyfriend I loved in the beginning. I guess did it just come to a point he showed me his true colors? I think I might speak with his dad, and see what he says.

 

I want this to work so bad. I can't count how many times I have forgiven him though. It's like enabling him. Showing him he can keep continuing this behavior and i will still be there. Should I ignore him for a few DAYS? Show him I can't do this anymore?

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

Aw I am SO sorry you had to deal with that Talk I am glad you are away from his abuse. I know it will take a long time to heal With my boyfriend, he has fought with me A LOT when he was drunk, but thankfully never called me out of my name, or laid a hand on me. If he did, I would never look back.

[Ms Darcy]

OH! He JUST texted me now. First thing I have heard from him. "Hi......

 

Do I respond? I am so upset! I don't know how someone who says they love you and wants to spend their life with me, treat me this way. I got NO sleep. I can't eat. I am at work sitting hear like a zombie about to cry. AGAIN just like back in the summer. Why does he keep doing this to me?

 

He is not doing it TO YOU. He is doing it because he cannot stop himself. And to me that is a sign that he is barreling towards alcoholism. link removed

 

He has a problem and you cannot fix him. Your best bet is to go to a few alanon meetings and leave the guy.

[Ms Darcy]

I do want to save it. I want him to be the same caring boyfriend I loved in the beginning. I guess did it just come to a point he showed me his true colors? I think I might speak with his dad, and see what he says.

 

I want this to work so bad. I can't count how many times I have forgiven him though. It's like enabling him. Showing him he can keep continuing this behavior and i will still be there. Should I ignore him for a few DAYS? Show him I can't do this anymore?

 

Notice that NONE of the women in this thread with similar experiences are still with the guy. This relationship is beyond dead. What you are doing now is called co-dependence "maybe if I (blank) then he will (blank)."

[iamkaylee]

I would not text him back right now. You are too upset. Let it wait until later after you have settled down and can think about what you want to say.

[TalkThatTalk9]

Aw I am SO sorry you had to deal with that Talk I am glad you are away from his abuse. I know it will take a long time to heal With my boyfriend, he has fought with me A LOT when he was drunk, but thankfully never called me out of my name, or laid a hand on me. If he did, I would never look back.

 

yes you are lucky it has not gotten to that point....yet.

mine was not like that at first either. the longer I "allowed" this to go on, the worse his attitude towards me was.

he will start looking at you as someone who?is getting in the way of his good time.

and he will start to get irritated at you and one thing will lead to another...

also, my ex would black out and when I would mention the things he said and did he would laugh it off like it was no biggie because he was drunk and did not mean it.

but it kept happening.

it is not normal to have to drink this much in my opinion.

while you are making yourself upset he is off not giving a care about your feelings or how this is affectinh you.

that is not love

[iamkaylee]

I am going to second MsDarcy. He is not doing this TO you. He is doing this to himself. I will also second her advice for you to attend some alanon meetings. Accepting his behavior and forgiving it over and over again is enabling. It's also co-dependence on your part. You can not change his behavior through forgiveness or demands.

 

All you can do is decide what is and is not acceptable for YOU and what you will do about it. If your BF's drinking is a problem, you have a choice, stay and live with the problem or leave the relationship. IMO, you should talk to his dad and *try* to get your BF to seek help. If he will not seek help, you still have that choice to make and only you can make it.

 

My ex husband was a functioning alcoholic and an addict. I tried for years to get him to stop. So did everyone else. He chose alcohol and drugs. I chose to leave. I've also struggled with my own addiction to prescription painkillers. I have truly been on both sides of this coin and I will tell you now, you MUST look out for yourself first. What we might wish for and want is often very different from what we actually get.

[2EvilEyes]

Hi there,

 

I'm going through the exact same thing, only I'm in way deeper compared to you. My fiance is a total binge drinker. He is close to perfect when he's sober, which is majority of the time too. He doesn't drink during the week, won't even have a glass of wine for dinner. But when it comes to his buddies, whether he wants to drink or not, he has to "save face" and have that 8th, 9th, 10th beer along with shots of Crown or Hennessy. In short, every single time he goes out, he binge drinks. He's a 38 year old man and still drinks like he's 16. He has no concept of self control.

 

When I drink, I get a little buzzed and feel sleepy. My default is to go home and straight to bed. For him, he gets buzzed and just wants more and more. Heck, I can't drink as much water compared to the amount of alcohol he will put in his body in one night! The next day, he will puke his guts out, violently dry heaving multiple times through the day. He downs half a bottle of Tums because his stomach hurts. He sleeps until 4pm or later.

 

This issue has seeped into every aspect of our relationship. I too feel strongly he is not out cheating on me. Just like your BF, he's way too wasted to even think about hitting on someone. He is so ugly to me when he gets like that, extremely unattractive and disgusting. I used to take care of him, wipe the puck off his face, cleaned up after him, made sure he got home alright - which meant staying up alongside with him and trying my best to stay awake while driving him home. I have since lost all my sympathy for him.

 

We now get into major fights over his binging. Last Saturday he told me he was going out for dinner with the boys and never came home, no call, no tex. I woke up at 5:30am and texed him, worried he might have gotten into an accident but also knowing full well that he just drank the night away. He finally texed me at 7:30am telling me he blacked out but woke up and was trying to drive home but had to pull over because he realized he couldn't drive. I lost it.

 

We are 8 years into our relationship, we have a house together - financially speaking, I have no idea how I could sort it all out to leave him. I am still trying to wrap my head around that. It's so hard because now that he's sober, he's a wonderfully patient and loving person. It's hard to leave him when he is sober and apologetic. Yet, I've seen this cycle happen so many times. He always feels sorry about it the week after. He emotionally manipulates me by buying me roses.

 

Then, the next opportunity to go out, I have to expect that he will pull the same BS all over again.

 

So, I definitely feel for you. I can't give you any advice except to leave him, but I know how hard that will be because I can't seem to do it myself. I am taking some baby steps though. Tonight I am looking at an apartment. I've told him I'm moving out but I don't think he believes me. It's hard to leave the home we've built for ourselves. I love my home.

 

The bottom line is, it's about to his own self control. I cannot "police" his drinking. He will see me as a nag or resent me later on for not "letting" him drink. I don't want to be that person either. But I'm not happy and I wish I had knew how serious his addiction was before we bought our house.

 

Talking to your guy may help temporarily, but if he's like my guy, he will calm down for a few weeks at best, then he will get that "itch" again had has to go out. One suggestion is to talk to his buddies, the ones that your guy respects and let them know about your concerns. Most buddies won't want to police his drinking either, but maybe one will take it seriously and have a chat with him about it? I tried that, one of his buddies actually handed my guy a glass of water in between drinks but that's about as much as they will do. It's ultimately up to him to practice self control.

 

Another suggestion, video tape him when he's wasted. See if he becomes embarrassed by his behavior. Maybe that will help him understand how ugly he can become when wasted.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

He is not doing it TO YOU. He is doing it because he cannot stop himself. And to me that is a sign that he is barreling towards alcoholism. link removed

 

He has a problem and you cannot fix him. Your best bet is to go to a few alanon meetings and leave the guy.

 

 

How can he not stop himself though? Nobody has a gun to his head telling him to drink. He KNOWS how much he has hurt me, his parents and himself. I guess I don't understand it. It's not an addiction like smoking or heroin. Well, yes Alcohol IS an addiction, but he is not addicted to it. He CHOOSES to go out and get this way KNOWING beforehand what will happen. That is why it hurts so much and i feel like he is doing this to me.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

Notice that NONE of the women in this thread with similar experiences are still with the guy. This relationship is beyond dead. What you are doing now is called co-dependence "maybe if I (blank) then he will (blank)."

 

That is because when he is sober he is a COMPLETELY different person. He isn't drunk all the time. I just can't stay if he continues to go out and get like this and have such disregard for me, and our relationship. It's way too much.

[Huntress0527]

Thank you Huntress. Was your ex a binge drinker also? I feel my bf being a binge drinker is better than someone who NEEDS to drink everyday. Maybe I am wrong. I feel like if he can go a month without drinking, maybe there is hope?

 

My ex drank alot to numb the pain from his shoulder plus he was on heavy painkillers as well. He would hide bottles and get beligerent. He would sweat so much from it and even peed the bed a few times.

[iamkaylee]

@ 2EvilEyes I will suggest you go a step farther and call the police and report your boyfriend if you know where he goes and drinks and that he's also trying to drive in that situation. A DWI is a hefty price to pay but small in comparison to the price he could be paying. It could also be a wake up call for him.

 

@ Laura he is an addict. Just because he doesn't drink every day, it doesn't mean he's not addicted. Binge drinkers have a much higher chance of alcohol poisoning and accidental death than a "daily" alcoholic. Your BF isn't just addicted to the alcohol, he's addicted to the "little boy, party syndrome". My husband started out the same way. By the time I left him, he was downing over 30 beers per day plus a half a bottle of liquor and the drugs. He was still working full time too.

[camus154]

That is because when he is sober he is a COMPLETELY different person. He isn't drunk all the time. I just can't stay if he continues to go out and get like this and have such disregard for me, and our relationship. It's way too much.

 

Well, guess what--he's continuing to go out and do this. So there's your decision. Unless you want to stick around for awhile longer until it happens again.