Dreading the inevitable goodbye...

[MattW]

Some of you may have read my previous topic(s) in the past about a girl I've known from work for over a year, and fell for pretty hard this past summer. Long story short, she turned me down, I was sad, but our friendship didn't change, and I've made peace with her decision.

 

Anyway, she's going to be finishing college in the next few weeks, and I assume within the next month or two, she's going to be leaving for a new, better job. I've been trying to just enjoy the little time I get to spend with her until then, but as the clock keeps ticking down, so to speak, it's getting harder and harder to not think about her being gone.

 

Thing is, I don't "connect" very well with people, in general, so I don't have much of a social life beyond some acquaintances. But I've felt a "connection" with this girl for a while now that I've never felt with someone before. Regardless of whether her and I are dating or not, I love spending time with her, talking to her, etc. There's no one in the world I trust more than her, no one I'd rather hang around with.

 

Granted, I'm (rightfully) probably not at that level for her, especially considering we very rarely see each other outside of work. That's the thing, though, I just... I wish we were better friends outside of work, so that when she does inevitably leave, it's not "goodbye", we could still talk, hang out, etc.

 

The thought of losing the little I currently have with her is pretty sad. I mean, who knows when (or if) I'll ever connect with someone so well again? She could potentially be one of the best friends I'll ever have, and the thought of her just being gone in the next month or two really bums me out.

 

But, I'm going out for my birthday in a few weeks, and she's definitely interested in coming along, so I'm very excited about that, but it's bittersweet in that it's likely going to be the last time I get to spend time with her outside of work.

 

I know it is what it is, and it's out of my control, it just makes me... sad.

[blueidealist24]

What contact info do you have for her? Facebook? E-mail?

 

With the job market as it is, she may end up staying at the retail job longer than you think though.

[Batya33]

I don't see why you can't stay in touch. I live hundreds of miles away now from many of my friends and I put in the extra time and effort to stay in touch. If she wants to stay in touch then you can. I stayed in touch with people "even" before the Internet, before answering machines, before cell phones -it is far easier now.

[MattW]

What contact info do you have for her? Facebook? E-mail?

 

With the job market as it is, she may end up staying at the retail job longer than you think though.

 

She's not on Facebook (though me and some other coworkers have kinda encouraged her to get on it in the past), and it doesn't seem like a lot of people I know seemingly exchange e-mails regularly; seems like everyone either does Facebook, or talks/ texts on the phone, if they're not hanging out in person.

 

I don't see why you can't stay in touch. I live hundreds of miles away now from many of my friends and I put in the extra time and effort to stay in touch. If she wants to stay in touch then you can. I stayed in touch with people "even" before the Internet, before answering machines, before cell phones -it is far easier now.

 

I just... I can't tell if that would be something she'd be open to or not. I kinda wonder if she enjoys spending time with me at work, but outside of work, I'll always be "some guy that asked her out", which would make her hesitant to maintain some kind of friendship with me beyond that. Not to mention, I feel like I'd seem "desperate" and "hung up" to her if I try to build up some kind of higher friendship with her at this point, you know? I don't want her to think I want to have that friendship with her because I can't "get over her", or whatever.

[blueidealist24]

I know you don't want to come off as someone who can't get over her, but I think you should still ask her for an e-mail address. Even if a lot of people don't exchange e-mail that you know, you could still do it if you really want to stay in contact with her. I'm not suggesting the phone number because it might imply that you're romantically pursuing her..

[becomingkate]

It'll take her awhile to find a new job and move on, and maybe she's one of those people who are good at staying in touch. Don't write her off yet! Good friends are hard to find (at least I think so)

[paradisa]

Emails are great to keep in touch with. Tell her 'hey, for my birthday, let's do (whatever)' and ask for her email so you can send her all the details. Then you have the email address, and can email another time too if you'd like.

[MattW]

I know you don't want to come off as someone who can't get over her, but I think you should still ask her for an e-mail address. Even if a lot of people don't exchange e-mail that you know, you could still do it if you really want to stay in contact with her. I'm not suggesting the phone number because it might imply that you're romantically pursuing her..

 

Maybe. I just don't think "exchanging e-mails" would last very long, yanno? Might happen a few times, then one of us (probably her) would stop responding, and it would just drift off from there. The phone number thing would be nice, but yeah, I know there's a ton of connotations that would come with that, so I haven't even contemplated pursuing that (though I have kinda been looking for little opportunities to exchange phone numbers where it wouldn't seem that way, but I've yet to find such an opportunity).

 

Emails are great to keep in touch with. Tell her 'hey, for my birthday, let's do (whatever)' and ask for her email so you can send her all the details. Then you have the email address, and can email another time too if you'd like.

 

Heh, well, all my birthday stuff is pretty much taken care of, at this point (actually, she sat down with me a couple days ago at work, along with another coworker, and helped me figure out the details of what we should do). In general, though, that's the problem I'm having with trying to build something off of what we have right now, because I feel like I'd need a good reason to say "Hey, let's exchange e-mails" or "Hey, let's exchange phone numbers", and I just can't ever find a good reason to do that.

[blueidealist24]

Maybe if she gets a new, good job, you should say something like "Keep me updated on how it's going! We should exchange e-mails!" Maybe not exactly that, but something like it.

[paradisa]

Take photos at the birthday and ask her for her email to share them with her. The girl helped plan your birthday party and is attending it - I think she'll give you her email.

[Batya33]

If/ when she gets a new job offer to take her out to celebrate.

[MattW]

Maybe if she gets a new, good job, you should say something like "Keep me updated on how it's going! We should exchange e-mails!" Maybe not exactly that, but something like it.

 

Take photos at the birthday and ask her for her email to share them with her. The girl helped plan your birthday party and is attending it - I think she'll give you her email.

 

I suppose I could try these. The picture thing kinda makes me laugh; I do occasionally see people upload a bunch of pictures from parties and other events, and stuff, and I never "get" that. I guess to me, if I'm out with people, I don't know that my first instinct would be to fuddle around with snapping pictures throughout the night, I think I'd be more focused on just enjoying being out, yanno? I dunno, maybe that's just me.

 

I'm still kinda hoping that she'll eventually get on Facebook and add me. This way, even if we don't directly write each other, we can still kinda see what each other is up to and how we're doing, and whatnot. Like I said, I just feel that, with e-mailing, there's too much potential for a quick drop off in communication.

 

If/ when she gets a new job offer to take her out to celebrate.

 

That does sound nice, but wouldn't that sound a bit... "date-y"?

 

Anyway, I'm not even sure I'll get to see her before she actually leaves. Our work schedules only seem to sync up once a week these days, sometimes not even that. It could very well happen that she'll leave without me even knowing it until her name disappears off the schedule.

[paradisa]

I suppose I could try these. The picture thing kinda makes me laugh; I do occasionally see people upload a bunch of pictures from parties and other events, and stuff, and I never "get" that. I guess to me, if I'm out with people, I don't know that my first instinct would be to fuddle around with snapping pictures throughout the night, I think I'd be more focused on just enjoying being out, yanno? I dunno, maybe that's just me.

When you're out for the birthday just say, hey guys lets do a photo, and take some. It doesn't have to be tons of photos. Birthdays are an excellent place to record some memories and take pictures.

[Batya33]

It seems to me you're making many excuses not to attempt to stay in contact -perhaps it feels safer and comfier to go into your more negative "cave" and see this as consistent with what you see as failures rather than challenge yourself to do things differently. For example, I'm 46 and today for the first time in over 25 years I drove on an expressway. I could have made many excuses not to try that and I tried to and was tempted to but I went for it. It feels good to stretch and challenge myself. I highly recommend it despite the comfort in doing the same things over and over again that don't work.

[MattW]

Well, it's not so much fear as it is me just not wanting to scare her off. Truth is, I don't know exactly how she feels about me, and I don't know that she'd want to continue a friendship with me beyond work. Like I said, I don't want to scare her off.

[Batya33]

Well, it's not so much fear as it is me just not wanting to scare her off. Truth is, I don't know exactly how she feels about me, and I don't know that she'd want to continue a friendship with me beyond work. Like I said, I don't want to scare her off.

 

Then take baby steps - ask for her personal e-mail address and her phone number, start up a conversation,etc and take it from there. No need to come on strong.

[MattW]

In a way, though, isn't the ball kinda in her court? I mean, being that I have asked her out, I'm sure she must have some idea that I enjoy our time together. If she really felt the same, and wanted a friendship with me outside of work, wouldn't she have made the effort by now?

 

I dunno, I just... I wish I knew how she really felt about me. Sometimes at work, I almost feel like I'm bothering her by spending too much time with her, other times, she makes a point to spend time with me. She's... hard to read, I guess. Neither of us have specifically talked about how we feel about each other since she turned down my date, so I'm at a complete loss. I don't know what she really thinks about me, and if a friendship outside of work is even "on the table", on her end.

[paradisa]

You aren't at a complete loss! This girl helped you plan a birthday and she's attending it, so consider her a friend. Take photos on your birthday, ask for her email - just do it!

[blueidealist24]

I think if she had no interest in being friends outside of work, she wouldn't be coming to your birthday party.

[MattW]

You aren't at a complete loss! This girl helped you plan a birthday and she's attending it, so consider her a friend.

 

I think if she had no interest in being friends outside of work, she wouldn't be coming to your birthday party.

 

That's... true, I guess, although I'd think anyone would come if I invited them (unless they definitely had plans they couldn't get out of or work around).

 

Heh, I'm a little nervous, though, because on my birthday, she really wants to "teach me how to drink", so to speak, and while I'm fine with that (we'll, of course, have a designated driver, and I trust her judgment in general), I'm kinda concerned I might say something awkward to her, considering the feelings I've had for her.

[blueidealist24]

I think it might be good if you drink a bit around her, as long as you don't get realllly drunk. Being buzzed or tipsy might make you less shy and then it'll be easier to ask for her phone number or e-mail. She's obviously not too awkward around you if she wants to drink with you. If I didn't like a guy who asked me out, at least as friends, I wouldn't want to drink with him, since I'd be afraid he'd hit on me! Btw, I think the people who are coming to the party must actually be good friends of yours, since I know some people who have tried to organize parties and almost no one showed (these people weren't that well liked).

[Batya33]

Tell her you're finishing antibiotics for something non-contagious and can't drink that night - if you ever get to be closer friends you can tell her then that you were concerned about saying something inappropriate or awkward.

[MattW]

Something else I've been pondering about... She's pretty good friends with two other girls we work with, and I know for a fact that she's never told either of them about me asking her out (I don't really care if she would've told anyone, and I know girls talk, especially when drinking comes into play). I dunno, I've just wondered if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

[blueidealist24]

Something else I've been pondering about... She's pretty good friends with two other girls we work with, and I know for a fact that she's never told either of them about me asking her out (I don't really care if she would've told anyone, and I know girls talk, especially when drinking comes into play). I dunno, I've just wondered if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

 

I don't think it's good or bad. She probably doesn't want to make things awkward for you, like if the other girls asked you questions about it. It might be kinda good in a way, because it shows that the girls aren't making fun of you behind your back for asking her out or something.. it shows has respect for you and doesn't see you as some awkward troll who is below her league..

[MattW]

Hm. Hopefully it's not wrong of me for having told them about it myself. >_> In my defense, they both guessed after overanalyzing some innocent stuff I said on Facebook, and I just didn't want them to get the wrong idea. They're both "cool", though, so I think it'll be okay in the long run, and even if they do let it slip to her, I made sure to tell the story in a way that shows that I'm okay with the whole thing.

 

In a way, it was kinda therapeutic to be able to talk about it, though, because I'd been holding it in for so long with no one to really talk about it to.