How would I fit into his world and him into mine? :(

[faerietale]

Hello all,

 

I am kind of stuck.

My relationship is still very new, but it's progressing fast and we are very committed to each other. I'm in my mid 20s and he's in his late 20s. We are both at a place in our lives where we don't want to just date for the sake of dating, but ultimately to find someone we can share the rest of our lives with.

 

He comes from a very prominent family. Although his parents are divorced, his mother raised him very well. I met his friends and they are all very successful and are living very luxurious lives. It came to my attention long ago that there is something holding me back from wanting him to meet my family. My family isn't dysfunctional, but... I just don't know how we would fit in his world.

 

My family and I live in an apartment. My father is a very hardworking man and my mother has always been a housewife. We've been living in the same apartment since I was a child. My sister and I share the master bedroom and even though I am in my mid 20s, I am still in grad school pursuing to get my masters degree, and therefore, it is just more convenient to live at home until I graduate and start my career. My mom doesn't speak a word of English and my father could carry on a decent conversation here and there.

 

My bf knows that I live at home, but I'm hesitant to share with him that I live in an apt with my family and I share a room with my sister. It is just not something I'm proud of at my age to say. I just feel as though he's so used to living on the higher end of life and being surrounded by those type of people that he would not know how to fit into my world. My bf knows that my parents don't speak English very well and he's fine with it, but I'm worried that he may think it's ok, but if we ever plan to get serious and say, we were to get married, I don't know how the in laws would be able to communicate and if he would mind not being able to talk to his in laws at all.

 

I know it's a dreadful thing to feel, but sometimes, I look at his world and I look at mine and I get so worried and insecure. I don't know if his family or if he's going to look down on us. My bf is a very good person, but I can't help feeling this way. If anyone is in a similar situation or can somehow relate, please share. I am open to any advice.

[IAmFCA]

My first piece of advice is to really truly come to peace with yourself. Combining worlds is just a matter of learning different cultures and skills. Think of culture as concentric circles that start with you family, then maybe friends or church or country of origin or whatever shapes you. He has these concentric circles around him too. So, you are right to be concerned, and he right to be concerned as well. Your backgrounds are different, and combining them will require that each of you learn and respect the ways of the other.

 

Neither of your backgrounds is better than the other. You each will need a desire to learn in order to bridge the gap in a way that conveys respect and affection. That will come in time.

 

Meanwhile, own your choices, as they are what is empowering you to achieve and to build for your future. There is much to respect in your long-range plan, family-centric values, and frugal living. On the other hand, you may be emotionally or functionally dependent on having a support system at home. I don't know, and this isn't the topic. I bring it up because you are concerned about telling him that you share a room with your sister. But why hide it? Own it. If it is holding you back in some way, own that too.

[faerietale]

IThinkICan: First off, thank you for taking the time to respond to my concerns.

 

Sigh.

Why hide the fact that I am sharing a room with my sister? Because I feel like such a child. When he and I first met, he taught me a lot about what it meant to truly be an adult. You're right about me being very dependent on my family. I just feel like it's something that I'm not very proud of and the sharing a room with my sister makes me feel even more dependent and childish. Does that make any sense?

[IAmFCA]

FT it makes complete sense. But how can you develop an honest relationship while hiding part of yourself?

 

Also, "I feel like such a child" may be more about how you interact with your family than your living situation per se. You are not a child, rather an adult pursuing your goals the best way you know how. If living at home is not empowering you, then perhaps you need to change it, or change the way you do it (for example, Keeping your own schedule, maintaining your own cooking and cleaning, using public transportation instead of the the family car...).

 

Note that the focus is shifting from whether he will approve of you, to whether you approve of you. In my view, we need to approve of ourselves before we can expect anyone else to approve of us. Why should they when we don't?

[redrose85]

Sharing each others' very different worlds will make you both grow so much as individuals and as a couple. He could learn to talk to your parents.

 

It sounds like your family is very close-knit, and that is a wonderful thing. You're very blessed to have that. Let him in to your world so he can really get to know you. Be proud of who you are.

[IAmFCA]

PS.... You mention his leadership in the ways of being an adult. Owning your reality is THE key aspect. Facing it, owning it, understanding it. Independence of home, income, thoughts is a piece too. But not everyone can afford these things, where "afford" might mean money, time, familial ties. I have an adult sister who raised her family sharing the same house as my parents. They all were very much adults, and the kids grew into adults with grandparents as an intimate part of their family unit.

 

Face your reality. That is what being an adult is all about. And redrose is right. Your reality offers many benefits. If your reality reflects your values, then the right bf will appreciate the life you are living.

[faerietale]

IThinkICan: You're right. I need to learn to accept who I am before he can.I guess when I see that my friends who are my age are pursuing their own independence and then I look at myself and see that I'm still living at home, sharing a room, still in school, it just makes me feel like a kid.

 

RedRose: Thank you for the sweet comment about my family. I'm proud of who I am, but I need to learn to be proud of my family, too.

[redrose85]

Do you feel ashamed of them because they don't fit in with societal norms?

 

I can already tell that their work ethic rubbed off on you

[IAmFCA]

Yes! There is no one path. You have your whole life to live alone. Do what works for you. And... learn the ways of his social circle, so you become flexible and can adapt as needed. We all are just people, and the rich and the poor ones are blessed just the same with dysfunctional families, fears of inadequacy, and insecurities.

 

Its true, some superficial details work as calling cards. If there are a few you can adapt to show commonality, do it; its just stuff, a prop, a tool to help bridge the gap. But stay true to your character and values.

 

If he chooses to understand your world too, congratulations! If not, oh well. You will have learned much along the way.

[faerietale]

RedRose: I guess you can say that. My family is not very Westernized so it's difficult for them to understand my life. My boyfriend is very Westernized so I'm constantly worried that he would not be able to understand.

[blueidealist24]

I can see how you feel the disconnect between your two families but if your boyfriend is as good as you say he is he'll understand. If he can't accept your family situation or makes negative judgments about it, then the relationship probably isn't right for the long haul.

[Lostndazed]

faerie, I totally understand where u r coming from. My first piece of advice is to be honest with the guy. If you really like him, you need to tell him everything including that you live with your family that lives in a apartment. Because even if you are capable of learning and wanting to live in his world, he may not be willing to do the same for u. So in order to know if he is or isn't, you have to lay it all out for him, and see how he responds. He may not be against it at first, but time will tell, trust me on that.

 

I went out w/ a guy who had a career, a nice car and a house. I lived with my family, had a junk car, and a part-time job. At first he says made no difference. However later it did because he wanted to do things and go places and I declined. I was not going to be a freeloader and always have this man pay for me. As he noticed my little funds, he also started to scrutinize my junk car and my 'inability' to find fulltime job. I took a break and decided to stop dating because I was so afraid that the next guy would feel the same way about me. I told myself that all I can do is work on myself and work on making my life better.... Luckily there was someone who saw how hard I work and didn't care bout my junk car as long as i had a car, didn't care about my living as long as I had a family, and didnt care if i didnt have a career as long as i work and kept looking. So you never know....

[faerietale]

Blueidealist: Yes, I see your point. You're right. If he's as good as I know he is, he should be able to accept my family. However, it doesn't make me any less nervous, you know?

 

LostnDazed: I'm usually not this hesitant, but I guess since I fell really hard for this guy, it's making me feel even more cautious and insecure. I'm such a girl.

[Lostndazed]

Faerie, 2nd advice.... never date or be with someone who will only perpetuate your own insecurities. I'm sure you already have other people in your lives doing that, don't make that choice to have your love of your life be that person.

[faerietale]

How do I overcome this insecurity then?

[IAmFCA]

How do I overcome this insecurity then?

 

It might help to slow your imagination down a bit. Instead of evaluating whether he is THE guy for you, think of him as an adventure. Live in the moment more with him, and his acceptance of you and your lifestyle will become less important. He may not be ready to explore your family today, but he might later, as he grows in his desire to understand you. By then, you may have evolved yourself. Go fast as you like, but live in the moment a bit.

[faerietale]

That is great advice. I think I just need to have more confidence in myself, in him and in our relationship.

[superfan]

Definitely be confident in yourselves and your relationship and also remember that just because you families are different it has no bearing on how YOU work as a couple. I was a bit hesitant about my husband meeting my family because his family is so very different from mine. My family is kind of dysfunctional. Although they are fairly "middle class" in terms of income, there are other factors that made me hesitate. My parents do not have a happy marriage and I learned from their example to see marriage as a trap, or something that forced you into a life you couldn't get out of. They fight all the time - my Mom I am almost certain is an undiagnosed bipolar.

 

My sister had a drinking problem in University, my brother has one now. He never finished high school and got his girlfriend pregnant at the age of 18. They now have an 8 year old and a 3 year old and STILL live with my parents in their basement with their kids.

 

My husband's family on the other hand, are very different. His parents are what you would call "working class", but very loving as a couple, and his siblings have done very well for themselves as well. His sister lives in the south of England in a VERY posh town, has a large house, two expensive cars and her husband works a very high paying job for an insurance company. His other sister is married and lives in a nice house as well. Both her, and her husband work decent jobs also.

 

When I met my husband, he owned his own house, and had a very well paying job. He was in his late 20s, and, like you, I was in my mid 20s. I still "lived at home" when I came back from University during the summer, so I still "lived with my parents" in that sense. Although I rented while I was at University he had far more experience at "being an adult" as he was more independent, had a good job, was finished school and owned his own property.

 

I was afraid he would see my family as "white trash" because of their problems, and he would associate that with me - or he would see me as "still a child" because I lived at home when I came back from school.

 

Turns out, it didn't matter at all and in fact he was somewhat intimidated by the fact that it looked as if my parents made more money (I am from Canada and we tend to have more space, and therefore own larger houses than in the UK). HIs parent's house was by our standards a small condo, whereas my parents live in a large, 5 bedroom house with a separate second kitchen in the basement and an in ground pool in the back yard. He was slightly intimidated by that, as well as the fact that I was about to complete a University degree (and then grad school) whereas he only had a 2 year college diploma. I didn't care about any of that stuff, and he didn't care about the stuff I was worried about.

 

There was a bit of a cultural divide as well because he is Scottish and I am Canadian. I don't know where your parents are from, but I think the only thing your boyfriend might feel awkward about would be communicating with them, which will be difficult at first, but I am sure once you get used to translating for them it will be fine.

 

The only way you can face up to insecurity is by aknowledging the root of it. I realize it can make you feel as if you aren't "an adult" when you live at home, but keep in mind why you are doing it. I could not have finished going to school by any other means and now I am fully independent. I am sure he understands that. Give him a chance and he might surprise you.

[pl3asehelp]

It sounds like your insecurity is about money, which is unfortunate because money doesn't mean much at all. Not having money certainly doesn't make anyone inferior to someone who has more of it. Very often, people with money have more problems than those without it.

[faerietale]

TVNERDGIRL: Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I truly appreciate it. I think I just need to work more on myself before I give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

PLEASEHELP: I think it's a combination of money, pride, shame, guilt, and immaturity that are adding to my insecurities.