Still have thoughts of him after 4 years

[FloatingAnchor]

My ex broke up with me 4 years ago due to long distance. We had been together for 4 years and still had feelings for each other, but we were both in school at the time and could not eliminate the distance factor. The break up was not pretty. I went NC and we haven't been in contact for the past 3 years, except when he e-mailed me over a year ago to congratulate me on my graduation. I did not respond to that e-mail.

 

Fast forward to today. I am happily married, yet I have thoughts every so often of my ex. I feel tempted to break NC, and I'm trying to figure out why.

 

If I did break NC, I would say:

1) How come you never contacted me after graduation to pick up where we left off like you said you would?

2) I finally understand why we had to break up, even though I don't agree with how you handled it. Despite this, I still believe that we had an amazing connection. Have you been able to replicate that with anyone else? I haven't, but I don't get hung up on it because you are not the person you once were, and I'm very happy right now.

 

I don't want to break NC because:

1) It would be incredibly unfair to my husband. Even if he never found out, I could not respect myself.

2) I have no interest in being friends with my ex.

3) I already have the last laugh. I have a great professional and personal life, and my ex was the one to make the last contact (in which he implied he still had feelings at that!), which I ignored.

 

I think I want to break NC because I want my ex to admit that he still has feelings and he made a mistake. But I know these things don't matter. Did I put him on a pedestal? Would breaking NC and seeing that we now have nothing in common take him off that pedestal? I understand that it's natural for an ex to cross one's mind from time to time, but it shouldn't be happening every 3-4 months, and definitely not with the urge to break NC. How do I stop this?

[superfan]

You say you are happily married, and yet you also say that if you DID call your ex you would tell him that you 'haven't been able to replicate the connection you had'. That IS unfair to your husband if you feel that, despite being 'happily married', it is somehow a marriage that happened by default because of your ex breaking up with you.

 

I know there is always some desire deep down to "win the break up", but it sounds like you want more than that - you want to know that he is hurting worse than you were and that seems to be a rather unhealthy way to feel - especially after 4 years.

 

It sounds like you definitely put the relationship on some kind of pedestal ("the one that got away") syndrome. I think if you continue to think this way it will eventually become damaging in your current relationship as well. I don't think you should contact your ex. I think that you need to let go of the idea that the relationship you had was somehow "better" than what you have "if only he had stayed" and focus on making your marriage work. Your husband and your marriage should be your priority.

[Johnny Utah]

Well wrote tvnerdgirl.

 

I think you still compare your connection with your husband to that of your ex. Perhaps its not the same but remember that you probably look at the past with rose coloured glasses.

 

You have moved on and gotten married. Work with the current relationship. Appreciate what you have. I really don't see any positive benefits of breaking NC.

[lalalollipops]

You're married, it's inappropriate to be contacting your ex, especially when it's obvious you still have residue feelings for the other guy. It's not fair on your husband you know.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, you definitely sound like your ego never got over the rejection of being dumped. In my opinion, it's up to you to face the internal music and start talking to yourself.

 

In all honesty, he had every right to break up with you because relationships are voluntary and he did not have to stay/come back when he was not fully happy. And it was not so terrible of him not to come back to you after college either.

 

I am not saying that to hurt you but to help you face the truth. No point in contacting him to help you find closure. That needs to come from within.

 

And it sounds like something is missing in your marriage if you say you haven't had the same connection with your husband. That's what you need to be working on - the connection with your husband.

[FloatingAnchor]

Thanks for all the replies. To clarify, I have a very good relationship with my husband. I don't feel as if there's anything missing (I did initially, but not anymore, and I'm sure part of it is because I have changed). I don't worry about breaking NC per se because I know I can stop myself and because I know that it wouldn't accomplish anything. I worry about the fact that I feel the urge in the first place. I think it comes from wanting him to know that I'm okay with the break up, that I can now approach him as an adult instead of the pathetic dumpee that I was. I don't know why that's important to me.

 

Don't get me wrong. I think of my ex only on occasion, and usually in passing. The feeling will go away by the next day, though this time, it has been hanging around for the past week and that's what led me to post. It doesn't help that my husband and I are currently living separately for work reasons (only until the end of next month). Thanks, Ms Darcy, for pointing out that it seems to be a matter of ego. Getting over myself seems to be a good starting point for minimizing these thoughts.