Need a little reassurance

[maggieMAE]

It's been 2 and 1/2 months. I'm not keeping track, but just realized it now.

 

I'm full of so many regrets. Regrets for putting up with too much, for starting the arguments I was responsible for, for not being good enough. The list goes on and on. I'm also hurt that she couldn't end this face to face. I'm mad that I feel she deliberately acted like a crappy GF just to get me to end it first. I regretted it immediately, but it's like she got what she wanted and then had to come up with an excuse every week to make the "break" permanent.

 

I'm hurt she made love to me the day before it all happened, and told me she wanted to fix things and came up with a game plan of how to do it, then she just ended up leaving me. I'm hurt she called it a break when really she was courting a new girl. I keep blaming myself. I keep thinking it's all my fault that someone would do this to me, that I ignored the signs and I did this to myself. I'm very angry still, but I also miss her. I miss our friendship. So many people were jealous of the side of the relationship they did see, because we could giggle all day long and never get bored of each other. But she did end up bored eventually. And someone else won I guess.

 

I closed the last email address that she was emailing. For the past few weeks, she kept sending songs about missing an ex, or having someone new but missing the past, or heartache, or love. It's not like she was being straight forward about it either. I feel like she'd come up with an excuse to email me first then she'd say, "Oh, by the way. I love this song!" And link me to it. None of these songs were new to me, and I was the one that introduced her to the artists. So I feel like she did that just so she could quickly take it back if I were to read into it too much and feed her ego with begging and pleading. I didn't respond to any of them though, but it made me so mad. So mad that she didn't consider what it could do to me or the seed of hope it would plant. If I left her for someone else, I would definitely never think to tug on the string to see if she's still at the other end. I wouldn't have the balls to be so mean. It's so selfish. I'm proud of myself for not responding to any of it, but I'd be lying if I were to say it didn't give me hope that she was realizing what she lost.

 

Before I closed the email, I decided to break my NC and let her know why I was doing it and that I wished the best for her. I feel a sense of relief cuz I'm no longer wondering why she isn't having a change of heart. I'm no longer looking at my email constantly. My phone is scheduled to be canceled on December 1st. I figured I'd just close the account since my contract is up, no use in paying the fee to change the number now. I'm just mad as h*** that she can just throw me away. At the same time, I don't miss her crazy mania. I feel relieved that I don't have to deal with her outbursts of anger and I can now do what I want without answering to her.

 

It sucks missing someone who is so bad for you. I feel like a huge failure. I still hope in time she'll realize what she lost, and I hope by then I can nicely tell her "no". That's just revenge and my ego talking.

 

Was there trouble in paradise, or was she just feeding me the infamous breadcrumbs I keep hearing about? Up until recently I got no breadcrumbs and her answer was a solid "no" without a shred of a doubt. This all started after she left me a voicemail from a blocked number with a very sad song we called ours, and I heard her crying in the background. I deleted it once I realized what it was, didn't want to listen to it in full and I didn't respond AT ALL. That was so empowering, but set me back quite a bit since.

 

Thanks for reading. I'm no longer talking to my friends about the situation cuz I know it's past that point. I appreciate these forums.

[Mb1212]

I know how you feel I'm also missing my ex who I know is bad for me hoping to get the emotional justice of them coming back and begging for us back just to shoot them down. Im sorry you're going through this as well it's so hard keep,you're head up time will heal the pain that's what I keep telling myself.

[maggieMAE]

Thanks. Good luck to you too. Compared to the first day or week, I am in a better place emotionally. But now it's just an entirely different kind of pain.

[dan10]

maggiemae, you have a good head on your shoulders. you can see the situation, you know what to do, you are taking the proper steps. I'm proud of you.

 

 

She probably did think about how you would feel and the hope it could inspire in you but thats what people do when they dont have a better option. When someone doesnt want what they have but they dont have another option they try to make sure they can keep what they have if another option doesnt show up. Every email and every love song she sends is to keep you from being able to move on with your life so that if she decides that she cant find anyone better she can come back and you'll take her because of all the pain and loneliness SHE caused.

 

She's gone. Dont let her cause any more problems. It was only a few months, and there is a very valuable lesson in here somewhere that I just havent found yet.

[maggieMAE]

Thank you for the encouragement.

It really hurts to have to completely cut off someone like that. I'm proud of myself for putting my sanity first, but I'm sad it got to this point. Oh well, she cut me out first and I have to keep telling myself that. I still wonder if she was just testing the waters, but I can't let myself think that way and I know it.

 

Hopefully things really do happen for a reason.

[maggieMAE]

Blah. 3 years down the drain for someone new. I'm really jealous she could swiftly move from one relationship to the next. I wouldn't want to hurt people like that though.

 

I really hope I can start feeling better soon. I feel like I've done 2 months of hardcore grieving and the improvement is only slight. Maybe it's a slow uphill battle, but I hope I have a good portion of it done.

 

I'm gonna take a break from the forums for the day to reflect and chill out. If anyone has anything to share, pleeeeaaaase help a sister out. Maybe I'm grasping for some magical therapy that isn't really there.

[Cyclical]

Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I was in a three year relationship and am now 2.5 months post break up. I was treated badly so eventually ended the relationship as I felt I had no other choice. It was 9 weeks before we were supposed to get married so I think she wanted me to make the decision so she could come out looking like the goodie with me being the villain. She had started confiding all of her problems in a single guy and it filled me with dread. I could sense how close they were getting. Anyhow, long story short I was doing ok. Literally had the first few decent days not filled with thinking about her, even on our 'wedding week'. We had got along ok, sorted out money things and amicable by text although neither of us wanted each other back is still hurt a little. Then three days ago I get told she has posted some pics on FB of her and her new guy (first I had heard of it) on holiday that last weekend. It was the guy she had been 'confiding' in.... I was devastated. Again, not because I wanted her back, I'm not 100% sure why even. I'm just cut up and in shock. Three days later and here I am looking to other people's stories on this forum and taking strength from knowing its not just me hurting. Same old clichés apply I guess. Times heals etc etc. if you wanna share some of the pain then feel free to message me. Hold on in there and take each day as it comes. You'll have ups and downs but the ups will win in the end x

[maggieMAE]

Thank you. Yes, the forums help A LOT. It helps to know people got through it and to hear how things turned out even better for them.

 

I'm happy I took my final exit. Leave her to live with her decision. If the new girl is perfect for her, so be it. She'll have to deal with it now, because I'm no longer an option. I look forward to what or who the future holds for me.

 

Have you deleted her from Facebook since? You really, really should.

 

I'm struggling with not having as much friend or family support right now. I knew my complaining was getting old, so I had to stop talking to them about it. I feel really alone with my emotions, so ENA is a good outlet in some ways.

[Cyclical]

You know you've made the right decision and that's the most important thing. The other feelings will fade if you concentrate on that. It's reassuring to know that there will always be someone here to listen. Don't stop talking to your friends and family about it though. I think the same thing and end up apologising to everyone each time I break down to them but deep down I know they don't mind. For us it feels all consuming but to them it's not and won't need nearly as much effort as you think. As for me, I'm not on FB, I was told by a mutual friend who was incredibly angry with her for both moving on so quick and doing it publicly. I have asked people not to tell me what she is up to but I'm glad I know so I can deal with it once and for all. She works in the same job as me so I'll bump into her eventually and forearmed is forewarned I guess even if at the moment I'm barely coping with thinking about it.

[maggieMAE]

Good move not fishing for info. I've been sticking with that as well. Had to even let a few people go for the time being since they wouldn't stop talking about it to me.

 

How long ago did this happen? Sorry if you mentioned it already, I'm just now having my morning coffee.

That would be a nightmare to have to work with her! UGGHH, that's the worst. I've been very fortunate that I haven't run into mine yet. I feel like it's bound to happen eventually, but I'd like to put it off for as long as possible. We go to the same college, she lives near cafes and other places I used to hang out, and our groups of friends are very much intertwined. I've been avoiding it all like the plague and have been trying to make a new tradition of doing other things. In a few months I'll get back out there, but for now I just wanna stick to my area. Feeling like seeing her is imminent would drive me nuts. I'm sorry.

 

Thank you for your support again.

Have a good one.

[Cyclical]

We split about 2.5 months ago and the constant cyclical thoughts were just beginning to fade. Then the bombshell news of the 'new' guy last week and I'm even further back than square 1.. Guess it might take another 2.5 months now, I hope not. I'm almost tempted to meet on purpose and get it out of the way. At times I feel strong enough, most of the time it's still my worst nightmare. I think to myself is seeing her really going to hurt more than the weeks of hurt thinking about seeing her?!

 

I've found some great advice being on the forum for a few weeks now, but the biggest strength I draw is by listening to other people in similar situations and realising we are not alone in our feelings and we can support each other

 

Hope you have a better day today. Don't worry if it takes you a few months to want to get back out there. Live for yourself and your own needs and make the most of being allowed to be selfish for a period of your life