I just realized every single guy I've EVER dated was a child abuse victim...

[Fudgie]

Had a pretty good, slow shift at the hospital. I was taking care of a man who was blinded as the result of child abuse decades ago and needed a lot of help with some medical problems he was having that day. We talked for a long time and after I got him to bed and to sleeping, I began to think...

 

I realized that every single guy I've EVER been with (even the not so long term ones) has been severely abused as a child, always physically, sometimes sexually.

 

My first love - physical/emotional abuse by grandfather (locked in a basement for long periods of time, shocked with electrodes)

1st HS boyfriend - violently beaten by dad, sodomized in a closet by an older male cousin at 6 y/o

2nd HS boyfriend - violently beaten through childhood by uncle, never admitted to sexual abuse but I ALWAYS felt it happened due to some things

3rd HS boyfriend - was a severe "shaken baby" and left with some residual brain trauma, current physical abuse by stepdad

 

First age gap relationship - violently beaten/thrown out by stepdad for years, female cousin basically raped him (he was young)

2nd age gap relationship (B) - not a family member but he was routinely beaten for years by these older teens and they liked to strangle him until he turned blue

 

Current relationship (N) - violently beaten by mom and sister, birth defects as a result of attempted abortion, sister tried to rape him when he was young

 

 

Why do I have this pattern? I am trying to figure this out. I'll bring it up to my therapist when I see her next.

 

What I don't get it is that: I've never dated drug addicts or those who were at risk, or people in trouble with the law, or people who had untreated depression

 

And the thing is, it's not like these people were trying to "deal" with the abuse either. I don't like to play therapist with people, never have never will. So it's not like we talked about it or I sought out people who were abused. It just...happened? I don't know, it's really weird.

 

Why would someone continually date people who were abused when they don't actually play a therapist role with these people?

 

I was not abused. I have 2 well-off parents who raised me well and they are still together. I'm not even from a broken family. I'm so confused.

[JANC]

Maybe it is a simple answer that you are attracted to vulnerable people given you work at a hospital and you are a very caring person. It might just be that simple. I remember my now ex saying when she met me she saw something in my eyes which were full of pain. It is possible you are just a very caring person being involved with ill people on a daily basis. Remember tho it takes two to be in a relationship so they must be attracted to your warmth too

 

James

[Fudgie]

I don't think I'm particularly "warm" though. Warm, maternal, feminine and fuzzy are not good words to describe me with. I can be very harsh at times (look at my posts, lol).

 

But yes, I do love working in healthcare, esp with the older folks. I have a soft spot for them. I like interacting with patients and talking to them and making them feel better.

 

Could it really be that simple? Maybe I was overthinking things. I'm not sure.

[toby17]

Your post says a lot about these guys but not you. So it's hard to put the fact into context.

 

For example, I realised the other day that in each case, i had met or knew my ex's last ex, and in each case I wondered what my ex was thinking.

 

That suggests that my exes aren't as discriminating as me, and therefore don't have the same values. And while in the future, that's will be a red flag for me, I don't think the ex not being in my league or what i think is the girl's league says anything about me.

 

It could be you want to rescue these guys, or that they're not threatening.

 

But what pattern from your childhood could you be reproducing?

[Fudgie]

I don't know if it's about "rescue". I left my last ex because he fell into depression and didn't want to get treated, so I left even though he was worse for the wear. I am not the sort to support a partner monetarily or otherwise; I like things equal in that regard.

 

I am not sure what you mean by not threatening. The 2nd HS boyfriend I ended up having to leave because he was physically abusive. When he hit me the 2nd time, I socked him back and I left. My current boyfriend can be intimidating when he gets angry but isn't physical, and definitely nothing I can't handle. I am pretty intimidating when I am angry, I think.

 

I keep trying to think of a patten that I could be repeating from childhood but I am coming up blank. I did not "rescue" anyone in my childhood. I was not abused. I did not have abusive or drug addicted parents. Family was well off. All of my childhood friends were from similar situations and GOOD families. I didn't really know anyone who was abused. I didn't watch movies that included abuse as a theme. I've never gone for "bad boys". None of the guys I've ever been with come off as "bad boys" or whatnot.

 

The only thing that I can really recall from childhood regarding this is when I started to write when I was ~11 (both for school and leisure), I preferred short stories, and a lot of them would include stories of child abuse. I remember one particular one I wrote when I was in middle school, about a father who drips poison into his daughter's eyes to blind her for no other reason than to control and ultimately destroy her, and she goes to the doctor wondering why but the doctor has no answers. I compared to someone plucking the wings off of a butterfly and the cruelty of that.

Surprisingly, my English teacher loved it from what I could remember, and didn't find it disturbing at all. I wrote a lot of stuff like that.

 

I'm not really sure if I would call myself a misanthrope but I feel at a young age, I felt (and I'm not sure HOW or WHY I felt this) that people could be horrifically cruel and I lost a lot of faith in humanity. I really did not (and never have) gotten along that great with people who are happy and go-lucky. It was like on some level, I knew there was a lot of pain. As I've gotten older, I see more of it in the world around me, like I'm discovering that I was "right" all along.

 

I think in a way, I may attract people who have been brutalized because they've seen how cruel people can be. They know real pain. I do know real pain too since I have suffered in certain ways too. I don't think I could really connect with someone who didn't understand this on a deep emotional level.

[toby17]

It could be you want to rescue these guys, or that they're not threatening.

 

These aren't the only two possibilities. Just the most obvious when the only information we have is that they've been abused as children.

 

But what pattern from your childhood could you be reproducing?

 

Sorry I didn't give you more information.

 

People often reproduce their parents' relationship. Or they reproduce the relationships and problems they had as children.

 

What are the commonalities between these relationships (besides them having a history of abuse). How did you and your exes interact?

[Fudgie]

That's the thing, it really varied...I mean, really. I was more "submissive" in some relationships than others. in others, I was more dominant, much more in fact. With my last ex, he was really submissive, esp in bed and we participated in some BDSM stuff with real paddles and whips. And then he'd turn around and use them on me for long lengths of time.

 

For 2/3 of my HS bfs, I really probably treated them like children, to be honest. I thought the 2 of them, looking back, were rather stupid and I didn't really see them as equals.

 

I looked up to my first love (who was older than me) as sort of a father figure really.

 

My last ex, I sometimes looked up to him (he was much, much older) but many times I felt that we were equal.

 

My first age gap relationship and my current relationship? Equals in my mind, definitely.

 

My relationships for the most part have been very drama-free, pretty good communication. Lots of opening and such, but not dramatic. Good sexual contact but with my last ex, we were in a sexless relationship (and it was okay) due to his health problems.

 

I don't think I'm reproducing my parents' relationship. I've thought about that but my relationships really haven't mirrored theirs at all.

[hear_her_roar]

You sound like a very kind, empathetic person. I've always been told that people who have a lot of love and care to give tend to attract, and be attracted to, those who may *need* that love in some ways... this doesn't mean you were being used or feeling sorry for past loves, I think sometimes it just works out this way.

 

One thing to keep in mind is just because you've noticed this pattern, does not in any way mean that the relationships you've had were primarily because of this.

 

I know your therapist will have more productive insights regarding this... but keep in mind that this doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or that there were with past relationships. Best of luck

[lalalollipops]

My first love, somebody who really hurt me told me he was raped by one of his older sisters when he was a kid. A few times apparently.

Now this guy lied alot, and was quite the pathological liar, HOWEVER saying something that messed up has to be the truth right? I mean it's really disturbing and isn't exactly something that will put him in better light.

I'm not sure what actually does to somebody (I was sexually abused when I was 5 a few times) but it clearly augmented some existing issues because the guy was extremely unstable.

 

For me, I had a pattern of getting into relationships with guys who had anger issues and were temperamental, but I know now that's because my dad's like that.

So I guess I've started to move towards healthier people. Though it's hard because I have this subconscious need to 'help them' and I guess subconsciously rectify the things I can't change in regards to my parents treatment towards me.

 

Apart from that guy, there were two others who were abused as a kid too (emotionally/verbally and neglected) so I guess something in us attracts these people to us? I don't know, we probably send of high frequency signals or something. -_-

[Capricorn3]

My first love, somebody who really hurt me told me he was raped by one of his older sisters when he was a kid. A few times apparently.

Now this guy lied alot, and was quite the pathological liar, HOWEVER saying something that messed up has to be the truth right?

No, I would not say it has to be the truth and I wouldn't believe him. Pathological liars are people you can NEVER trust or believe. It's what they do best, tell lies. They lie that much that they actually begin to believe their own lies. They can't tell the difference between truth and lies anymore.

[lalalollipops]

Omg but what kind of messed up person would LIE about something like that? I mean he told me the story in bits, and eventually revealed the reason he hasn't told anyone was cos it was one of his sisters. It was during a bonding moment, he seemed really like 'lost little boy' and I believed it.

 

Hmmm, if it's not true, that's really twisted. I mean he's screwed up in the head enough without this piece of information. =/

[Capricorn3]

Omg but what kind of messed up person would LIE about something like that?

I mean he's screwed up in the head enough

Maybe someone screwed up in the head and a pathological liar?

 

(Sorry OP, didn't mean to get off topic here).

[Fudgie]

It's hard to say what a pathological liar WONT lie about.

 

I think it is key, though, to see if a person tends to really revel in telling a terrible story. If they do and they are a liar on other things the they are likely lying about this too.

 

It was very painful for my boyfriend to tell me what happened. We actually have not talked about it since. It's evident from what I've seen of his sister that she has tried to sleep with him. She acts weirdly around him and tries to touch him. He freaks out and yells at her and shoves her away constantly. She immediately bursts into tears and yells at him for being a bad brother. She has tried to steal his clothes and she used to roll around in his bed when he left the house.

 

It's sick and makes my stomach turn. I can only imagine how he feels.

 

But yeah, some people lie about stuff like this. And that really bothers me.

[lalalollipops]

THe thing is he told me most of it once when we were chatting over the phone (we were talking for 4 hours and it was like 3am) then we never spoke of it again. I kinda never thought about it again until like half a year later when we were lying head to head facing each other and just talking and he revealed it was his sis. It wasn't like he relished in telling the story, it seemed like he was telling the truth bc usually all his lies were semi boastful and his demeanor was different that one time. He seemed ashamed and embarassed. So I doubt it was a lie.

 

Might explain partially why he turned out so unstable.