LTR, been 4 months since BU and he has someone new :(

[heythereinsd]

they have been together 4 weeks now. He met her 4 months after our BU and it will be 5 months next week since we broke up. Gosh our would have been 8yr anniversary will be in December. I can't bare it!! This time of year is going to be very painful, then the house goes up for sale right after the holidays. I guess I have a long road ahead of me.

 

He said "she know's my situation" as in he is not wanting a relationship he said he's not planting roots because he wants to travel for a couple yrs next year. So I assume they talk about our relationship in detail for them to make a joke about not building a house together.

 

Yes, he seemed pretty ok with talking to me about her. Maybe it's because I was acting like it wasn't bothering me?! Not sure. I won't let it happen again though. We spoke about it, I said I was happy for him and he said thank you. I don't think he will call me to ask advice or anything.

[oreogod]

Anytime of year is going to be painful. If it's not the holidays it's the summertime.

 

Do your best to not let him live rent free in your head. If he talks about his lady friend just tell him that's something he should probably be saving to talk about with his friends.

 

Be available minimally at most.

[heythereinsd]

already went through the summertime lol. Hopefully next will be better. Man, what if she goes with him over the holidays?! Oh my!!!! I know, I am not supposed to be thinking what if's and him/her and concentrating on me. It's so hard when all you want to do is call and have him come home.

[Bella Donna]

Heythereinsd,

 

I can feel how much pain you are in right now and believe me I know how utterly soul destroying it feels but there are some things I really wish I had discovered earlier.

 

FB really is the worst thing. If they hadn't blocked you already I would have advised you to take the first step (Trust me it is the only thing that has given me any peace since the day he broke my heart). I even try to not update anything on my page because I don't want him to know ANYTHING about what I am doing, or where I am - Curiosity is good. Facebook posts of me out with friends having the 'best' night of my life - fake and transparent.

 

Unless you need FB for work I would even suggest deactivating your account for a couple of months - The world existed quite happily before FB and it will still be there when you are in a better place.

 

For now, the cold hard truth is he has gone. He is expecting you to fight him on it and what a fantastic ego boost to have two women vying for his attentions. As much as you may say you have wished him well, mentioning her profile, talking about her, hell - talking to him about ANYTHING other than the two of you working things out, all undermines what you are saying.

Remember actions really do speak louder than words. And silence is not only golden - It is essential.

 

You have a huge shared history. Do you really think he will forget about that overnight? But if you disappear off the face of the earth, that silence will give him more time to wonder and reassess than if you are constantly in his face.

 

And I'll say something REALLY important in advance - If you can leave him COMPLETELY alone over the holidays next month, I PROMISE you will feel better than if you stay in contact, hear something you wish you hadn't or reach out to him and get rebuffed. Trust me on this - I contacted my ex on his birthday, hoping something would be different on that special day - Well guess what it wasn't. And Christmas is exactly the same - just stretched out and with more turkey! Give him the Christmas he has chosen - which is the first Christmas in years without you in it.

 

Only then will he properly be able to reassess what life if is truly like without you by his side - and you can begin to heal, without the ghost of Christmas yet to come (her) constantly popping up to say boo and hurting you all over again.

 

You want him home. I want my man home - It has been 4 months, but I haven't left him alone, so what has this achieved? - I stayed in his life - but just all the worst bits -nagging, pleading and crying, without any of the fun we had when we were together.

 

What would you rather he spent his time thinking about? - The great girl who he has just messed things up with or the one red blubbery mess who can't keep her hands and crying voice off the phone.

 

My final thought - He is not your friend. Therefore talking about her to you is completely unacceptable. And you are fully within your rights to tell him so if were to contact you again.

 

I know this is killer tough. And my heart aches like yours. But give yourself a breather - if for nothing else than to wrap yourself up in cotton wool and prevent further hurts.

 

I wish you every happiness. You will get through this xx

[Bella Donna]

PS: Can't believe I just wrote 'my final thought' - Who do I think I am? Springer?!

[heythereinsd]

Thank you... Yes, they have already blocked me before I had the chance to do so. I agree with all you said.. He was with her at a function that my friends attend and I was actually there and left. He know's I saw them and that's why it came up in conversation. He said he didn't go with the intention of me or anyone else seeing them.. then one thing led to another. I didn't tear up or become angry, I think I handled it pretty well considering. I really don't think he will talk about her to me again and vise versa.

 

I am also not going to contact him unless absolutely necessary in regards to house and whatnot. He contacted me for the grill, the week prior I called him about his mail and was very upbeat and didn't ask him anything other than about the mail. So the last 3 times we have been in contact i have not asked for him to come back or anything. Actually haven't done that since the end of September. LOL... that's only been a month. I will not wish him happy holidays or anything. He know's I will be alone because my mom is going to help my sister while she gives birth so he may contact me. hah! not!

 

I will continue to work on myself and be a better person for whomever enters my life next. maybe it will be him... maybe it wont

 

Thanks to all that have responded. I will continue to check in

[heythereinsd]

PS: Can't believe I just wrote 'my final thought' - Who do I think I am? Springer?!

 

hehe..........................................

[RedKite]

It has been 3.5 months since my break-up and have had NC for 1.5 months now! I feel much better. I was such a mess the first 2 months, I really wallowed in my self pity. hehehe. A friend of mine is also going through relationship problems at the moment, we have made a deal with each other. We get to be as miserable as we want for the rest of the year, and than next year it is over and we make the best of it.

 

There is no reason to rush your healing, take your time. My sister told me she just woke up one day and realized that she didn't care anymore (she was very broken). Can't wait for that day!

 

 

You seem to have your head screwed on straight. I think you are handling an impossibly painful situation very well. Good job!

[heythereinsd]

thank you! I came to the realization tonight that I am better than this! I am valuable, beautiful and a great person. (Thanks to you guys xoxo) I meet people everywhere I go and if you are in a bar by yourself, I will be the one to invite you to our table if you look like you need a friend. If he wants someone that is so conceded that she has to change her profile pic weekly for attention so be it. At least I got the satisfaction to know that after I mentioned her profile pic that included him, it was changed immediately (I am sure it bothered him too at some level) hehe

 

Don't get me wrong.....I love him and want him to come home, but if it's meant to be it will happen. Hopefully before the house is sold lol. But I have to keep telling myself that if he was able to replace me (even being the dumper) so fast, then something is wrong, either his love for me was shallow or he is blocking his true feelings about me. Either way it is a lose lose situation for him and it's not my problem.

 

Like you said Redkite "You gave this relationship your all, you fought for it, now you can never look back with regret." He may be faced with this later. Again, not my problem.

 

Thanks again everyone, I hope that what you seek will happen as well and if it doesn't... I hope that at least you find peace and heal. Broken hearts are so painful and we all must know that it's not just us who suffers, we are not being weak. We do have the right to be sad for as long as it takes!

 

Gosh, I hope I feel the same way in the morning hehe It may be the cold medicine talking

[Bella Donna]

This is such a strong, positive message. Try to hold onto those feelings in the morning, when the cold medicine runs out or when you have another 'ick' moment and you feel your resolve wavering. Because this really is a game of a few steps forward then one back. But you are right, take the time you need and don't rush your feelings. I don't think any of us know what the future holds for our relationships. It would be interesting to see where we all are a year from now - Some over it, (let's hope all), some reconciled (if that is right) and some with new partners that hold more happiness than we have ever known.

 

I am realising more and more that because one person has made a decision about me, that should not dictate the rest of my life. And you know what - even he is wrong about me right now!

 

Have a good week - focus on the small things and reward yourself everytime you resist the urge to call, push, cling, beg or contact him in anyway. I know you'll do great!

[heythereinsd]

Well that didn't last long at all Woke up and started crying in bed. I couldn't stop my brain from thinking about maybe she is coming home from her trip today and my ex is going to be so excited to see her etc. All the scenarios my brain can come up with is amazing. Geee

 

The only way I was able to stop was to start getting snotty and thinking to myself that they aren't going to last. He will get sick of her shoving them/her in his and everyone's faces. Them moving so fast even though he doesn't want a commitment (he will end up in one- because he is not the type to see more than one person by nature). They are opposites, she looks very high maintenance and he is no where close. She probably likes expensive things and gifts, he is a simple man and not a big gift giver. Argh, I could go on and on... and it's not fair because I don't even know her.

 

Anywho, I did need to ask a question in case it does come up that he contacts me this next week. I know I am supposed to not contact him and be minimally available when he contacts me.. He has our dog and we spoke about me getting to see him while he goes to play ball, so if he contacts me to drop him off or something can I accept? or does that defeat the purpose of having him wonder about me?

 

Man... then I will probably get my hopes up thinking he is making excuses to see me. I can't win

[heythereinsd]

Now I am starting to beat myself up, over thinking our chat the other night and how maybe he was trying to see how well our conversations flow compared to theirs etc. Because it didn't flow, we were trying to catch each other up and trying to think of things to talk about. Probably made it more clear to him that it was over.. instead of working in my favor.

[dreamstate83]

Now I am starting to beat myself up, over thinking our chat the other night and how maybe he was trying to see how well our conversations flow compared to theirs etc. Because it didn't flow, we were trying to catch each other up and trying to think of things to talk about. Probably made it more clear to him that it was over..

 

Speaking as someone who has had 3 cases of females leaving me for greener pastures (funny how they always come back 6-8 months later when it's too late), I'll say this. You do not want to waste your time worrying about someone who isn't afraid to lose you. One day you will meet someone that's just as into it as you are and it's going to be amazing!

[heythereinsd]

You do not want to waste your time worrying about someone who isn't afraid to lose you.

 

I know... But really finding it hard to think that he can just toss away almost 8 yrs, our accomplishments and our home so fast without even a second thought that maybe it's worth trying again. I know 5 months is still too soon for him to realize this if he ever does.

[heythereinsd]

Another bad start to the day. I can't stop thinking about them being together. He doesn't have a chance to miss or even think about me if he is spending all this time with or thinking about the new girl. I also can't stop thinking about how she will probably be with him when he goes to visit his family over the holidays and how I will be alone. What if they like her more etc.... I hate this.

 

My friends mentioned she put their couples picture back on her profile pic. They don't tell me to hurt me they mention it because they are upset about it too and want us back together.

 

Thursday will be 5 months since he moved out and I guess I messed up the first 3. So no now that I am showing him that I am ok with the breakup and his new girl am I starting from the beginning? I mean, 6-8 months before he may think about reconciliation? even if he is in a wonderful rebound relationship.

 

Maybe I should go ahead and start the sale on the house instead of waiting till January, maybe it will get him thinking about the realization that it will all be gone?! I don't know what to do...I think I am going crazy.

[Nvme]

You sound a mess honestly. But it sounds just like me. And my ex isn't even in a rebound relationship. I hope you can stay strong.

[heythereinsd]

Thank you and I am and if he finds these posts I guess he will know too lol.. What I really need to do is remind myself of all his wrong doings in the relationship that he has yet to apologize for. Shortly after the BU I wrote him a letter with my apologizes and he thanked me for it, said he was sure he made mistakes too and that was it....

[Nvme]

I found the best thing to do isn't even think of his wrong doings, but not think of him at all. Focus your attention to something else. I know its hard but go out or read a book or just fall asleep. But try to stay busy. Pick up basket weaving even.

[heythereinsd]

lol... Thanks for giving me a giggle. I have been battling the thoughts about him while working on myself and learning to deal with the issues that caused some of the stress in our relationship. (It was much easier to concentrate on fixing me when I had more hope.) Looking back, I can kick myself in the behind for some of the stupid things I did in the relationship.

 

I think that may be the one of the hardest things because I know what I contributed and know that if given the chance things would be different. I also know that it took two to break the relationship as well as it takes two to make it work. But all it boils down to is... I will be a better person at the end of all this

[PH88]

One perspective I try to maintain is the fact I was myself before meeting my ex, someone who could attract an amazing girl(yes I say this even though she left me for another), and someone who respected and loved myself for who I was.

 

Breaking up has helped gradually bring me back from that strange alternate persona of co-dependency. Try to believe that even though the pain may feel unbearable, it is actually helping you tremendously, both emotionally and psychologically, underneath the layer of hurt. And this my friend will make you an incredibly stronger and smarter person. Trust yourself that you will come out of it OK and that life is full of ups and downs, and there are plenty of ups awaiting you in the future.

 

The past does not exist anymore, it is just your thoughts now, why not make them happy ones? Being happy and most importantly being yourself again( along with a new and improved upgrade) is going to be the only way to attract your ex back, if it is meant to be. And by then it will be your choice.

[heythereinsd]

Thanks for making me cry lol I totally see what you are saying. It makes perfect sense. Unfortunately I still live in the past.. that is the house we just built. So I am constantly surrounded by all the memories of picking out the counter tops, staining the cabinets, planting, painting, the dreams etc. We haven't even had a chance to enjoy what we accomplished. It's such a shame....

 

Sorry not trying to be a downer, just getting it out Xxxx

[RedKite]

How are you holding up? I think it is good for you to vent here. Family and friends sometimes don't understand why the break-up still bothers us months later.

 

I'm sorry you have all those memories around you. If you could would you want to keep the house?

[Bella Donna]

How are things today? It sounds like things are really rough for you today. I know we all obsess when a break up happens and I haven't been in the position of someone being with another woman, but I think for your own sanity you need to try to minimise your thoughts about her. As you said, you don't actually even know here, so many of the thoughts and feelings about them and what they are up to are your own projections and may have little to do with their reality. Whatever the truth, it doesn't mean that the time you spent together is meaningless, but right now you need to focus on you and not her.

 

Take things one day at a time. I am past the crying stage now, but of course it still hurts and will continue to do so for a long time.

 

The only thing I would say is keep your dignity. Whatever happens between the two of you, you will be so glad in the future that you did. Let him see what he has given up by your impeccable actions, and keep the tears and sadness behind the closed doors or that house of yours.

 

Keep us posted - there are a lot of people ready to support you here...

[heythereinsd]

Thank you all for checking in. It does seem to be getting harder as the holidays approach knowing he is with someone else. Knowing that they are in that new exciting stage etc. I know that being in a new relationship while so freshly out of one, he is still thinking about what when wrong and comparing her good qualities to my bad (at least my bad at the end). When we met was soo long ago, I doubt he remembers the person he fell in love with.

 

Even though I am heart broken and a mess I will continue to hold my head up and not let him see me like this. If/when he does contact me to see puppy or get something from the house, I will stay polite and not show I am hurting so deeply. It sounds so selfish but I kinda do want him to feel guilty that I am hurting so bad, but I know it's not the right way to go about things.

 

Redkite as for the house... I do want to keep it, the mortgage is really cheap. This is part of the tension between us because he knows I can't save it on my own and he is forcing me to sell. He is looking forward to the profit while I am seeing it as losing our hard work. We haven't even had a chance to enjoy it yet. It's so sad

[RedKite]

That is sad! All that hard work! This man will be sorry one day that he walked away from you.

 

I know it is wrong and mean, but most days I hope that my ex never finds happiness or that some girl crushes his hart. So bad, I know.

 

You can probably relate. My biggest issue at the moment is: how can someone leave your life and never look back, like you meant nothing?

 

I think it helps as long as you don't start thinking about the future. For the first few months you should just live day by day.