LTR, been 4 months since BU and he has someone new :(

[heythereinsd]

I am posting this in the "Getting back together" forum because I still have hope. I posted my first post about 4 months ago when my BF moved out. I will try and keep this brief (you can look at previous post for history) and try and type through the tears so please forgive me if it's a bit scrambled.

 

My ex and I were together 7.5 yrs, 4 months since he left and has met someone new. They seem to be moving very fast, she has already posted a "couple" picture of them on her FB profile pic. The worst part is I feel she is doing it on purpose. ( I know I shouldn't be checking but I can't help my self) She knows that my neighbors/friends are "friends" with my ex on FB. Since her profile is not public all her other profile pics don't show up in public timeline except this very pic. Prior to this she has changed her profile pic every week for 4 weeks. So it was noticeable when this pic was posted vs the rest. (if that makes sense.. lol)

 

I found out she is only 1 yr younger than me, so 11 yrs older than him. Just seems so strange how fast they are moving with all things considering. I hope it's only a rebound. It's so hard for me not to talk to him about this.

 

I called him to tell him he had gotten a package from work and wasn't sure if it was important. He still gets his mail here. He told me to shred all his mail because he didn't need any of it. But he made it a point for me to check to see if he new Passport card came though.. I was very upbeat and positive and didn't let the dining card question affect me. I asked what card, he said you know the dining card, felt like he was making it a point to say I am taking this person out on dates. (He knows I know about her because they attended a meetup event that my neighbors/friends attend and I mentioned it to him) Then he said, oh never mind they are changing it anyway (to a different program). Why even bring it up then?

 

There has been several things he has done that I feel was to push buttons or something. There has also been what looked like glimmers of hope. But I could just be making it all up in my head because I am over analyzing everything.

 

I know we still need time apart, the last part of our relationship before he left was stressful with building the house. I am ok with that. I just pray that before we put our house on the market in Jan that he comes back or at least starts having second thoughts before the house gets sold.

 

I know you can't make someone come back or love you again. I just need a plan of action to bring him closer and not push him further away. Maybe I am just being stupid!? maybe I just needed to get this out.

[Pilgrim28]

Ok, what was the reason you split? The definitive reason? Is it possible that there was an overlap between you and this new girl? If so, as hard as it is, you deserve better. Now, in terms of getting closer a while ago I left an ex, met someone new and it didn't work. While dating new guy I was desperately trying to get my ex to meet me, be friends etc and he said that I needed to move on. So I did, well pretended anyway. I waited. Kept an eye on his Facebook profile and it turned out that his new gf and him didn't work out. A few weeks later, he started texting me late and reminiscing about us and asking to meet. I chose not to, but I got to the point that I could have. I decided that I deserved more as he used to hit me and didn't treat me right so when he said I had left stuff at his I said just get rid of it as I knew I still had feeling for him at that point. You have to keep as many mutual Facebook friends as poss and try to ensure that posts to them show on his about how great things are at the mo. Nobody will want someone who is desperate for them. Fact. You need to realise your self worth and the rest will follow. Xx

[pumpkinmoon]

My opinion, STRICT NC. I know you have things to sort out with the house, but only contact him when you have to! Don't contact him about mail, do what he told you to do and shred it. Don't contact him asking about injuries, don't reply when he contacts you about something that isn't important.

 

It's easy for him to stay with the new girl knowing that you are there waiting and pining for him to come back. Take that option away. Let him realise that he has lost you by making this decision and then let him see if he has indeed made the right decision.

 

There are no guarantees of course, but I believe this is the best plan of action.

[Bella Donna]

I would disagree with Pilgrim - I would stay away from FB as far as possible. You posting how fabulous your life is has the potential to backfire, whereas disappearing of the face of the earth for a few weeks is much more likely to get him wondering what you are up to and who with, and more importantly why you no longer seem to be checking up on him. I know it is difficult but NC includes Facebook. That way you can't be upset if you see a post or a photo that you don't like and you are much less likely to react in the spur of the moment. Keep calm, take some deep breaths, and when you speak to him about house business, show in that limited contact how upbeat and positive you are and what a fool he is to be missing out on that. Good luck!

[Pilgrim28]

When I say keep fb it's also cos if you can see they are still together you won't make a fool of yourself by making a move in the hope that they have split. Trust me, my other ex cheated on me and I wanted revenge. I waited 6 months and got him to come over to catch up. I made sure that I looked my best, had a cool cd on and we just sat and talked. He made a move, I said no. He left begging to come around the next day. This went on for a few weeks and then I let him kiss me. I never let him sleep with me. Thing is, the girlfriend he was with went with him knowing he was with me. Neither of them expected what was coming next- we carried on meeting for a few months- just kissing and planning how we could get back together and then I hit him with it. I told him he was to leave her on valentines day so that she would hurt like they'd both hurt me. That was the only way I'd get back with him. He finished with her, turned up at my door straight after and I smiled said goodbye and closed the door. They both got what they deserved-nothing. He learnt a valuable lesson and we are now close friends cos he respects me now. He still says that cheating on me was the worst mistake of his life

[Cope and Hope]

A little cruel. Very immature. Possibly genius.

[heythereinsd]

Haven't read all the responses yet but wanted to answer pilgrims questions first before it spirals on he had someone lined up..

 

"Ok, what was the reason you split? The definitive reason? Is it possible that there was an overlap between you and this new girl?"

 

No we didn't overlap, he had met her the night he ran into my neighbor/friend. He friended them the next day on FB. He is new to FB as of Sept. Doubt he will look at my FB and he has me blocked. I think it's strange that she would put that up. Very pushy if you ask me. He has an 8 yr old pic on his and hasn't changed his status.

 

We split up because of stress and a lot of fighting, no fun times because after the house was built we spent all of our free time continuing to work on it (fences/painting etc.) I became depressed and angry.... he became distant

[Pilgrim28]

Shame cos you obviously loved each other to take on such a large project. It seems as though you are mature enough to realise you have to put fun etc aside to get that job done but that he struggled with that. I think that maybe you should in this case, text him. Be truthful and say that if he's completely happy with this woman then fine but hard to believe he has switched all feelings off for you. Ask what he gets from her that was lacking in your relationship. Try and meet regarding the house. I agree that in this case now knowing why you split its quite serious that you try and sort this. You must be so upset. Building a home together and planning your future and he has walked away. So, text, arrange to meet about house, while there mention what I said. You may not like what he says but you'll have the truth and it'll be a different angle to try. Hope this helps and btw, cope and hope I will take that as a compliment lol x

[heythereinsd]

he just sent me a text asking if he can come take the BBQ tonight.. 4 months later, summer is over and now wants the grill? argh...

[Pilgrim28]

Ooh that's a good sign! That's like he's trying to find an excuse to see you. remember cool, no crying but ask what I suggested, preferably with you both sat next to each other. Make sure the kettle has just boiled so you can play for time! Good luck and make sure you look amazing! Xx

[PrettyGood]

Girl, first of all, strictly block his and her profiles. There's no need for you to stare there and it's not only for your nose, it destroys your nerves and health too. He will never return to so complicated, jealous, clingy, crying woman. And that woman you become when you are constantly checking their profiles. I know you can't help it, but believe me, you don't have no self-respect and no confidence due to this. Good news is that the faster the relationship grows, the faster they get ruined, because they don't have a normal pace to find out good and bad sides of both personalities. There's no way you can push him to return to you against his will, because he's living his dream. He will return to you (maybe) when everything will break up one day. BUT... it will not happen if you contact him for all the smallest details. He needs to find out about the mail he's getting at your house himself. If he doesn't care - that means there are no important things. And if he gets important letters and he doesn't know about that, it's his problem. You are not his personal secretary. If he wanted, he could ask you to transfer his mail address to the new address, but he doesn't want that because he doesn't care of it. Stop contacting him for any reason. It will not help to get him back at all. When he wants to get back - he will find a way.

[heythereinsd]

lol.. funny cuz I am really sick... I will play it as cool as I can, it will be really hard for me not to mention that I saw her profile picture.. But I won't I will be the good person here

[heythereinsd]

He hasn't done a change of address and I don't know his new address to send it to. He get's all of his mail here, I'm not contacting him for small reasons believe me, I would find reasons if I wanted to but have been holding off for this very reason. I did that the first month or two. I do understand that he will not come back to someone insecure and needy. Last we spoke I told him I was happy for him and wished them the best..

[heythereinsd]

thanks everyone I do believe I need to stop looking at FB. At first it made me angry which I haven't been yet, so it was good.. But I know what you are all saying.... It's not in the long run.. Thanks

[heythereinsd]

sorry I keep posting, I am getting anxious. Said he will be stopping by around 9pm so I still have a few hours to go. I wish I wasn't sick.. lol.. My head/lungs are so congested, I have bags under my eyes. hehe

 

I shouldn't get my hopes up. I am sure he is just getting the grill and nothing more. Just seems strange. Maybe his new girl is a griller.. EEEeekkk.. I am over thinking things.

 

I don't want to mess anything up and don't know what to say. I wont ask him to stay or talk unless he wants to. I can only be happy and upbeat with the little time I will have with him to show him I am not bothered or jealous. Argh knowing he has been with someone else... oooh my stomach just turned

 

Sorry rambling Venting... Going crazy

[heythereinsd]

So we spent an hour talking. It was good but no sign of him coming back. He did seem to want to bring up things to talk about. He wasn't rushing to leave so that was nice. It was a bit hard for me to think of things to talk about because I am loopy on cold medicine.. hehe and I didn't want to get into serious or bad talk.

 

We mentioned a couple things in regards to the relationship and the house but kept it light. We did talk about the new girl, he said they get along great but he knew it's only been a short time etc. and he is not looking to get into a relationship but wasn't seeing anyone else. He did just meet her about 4 weeks ago.

 

I kept my cool, started to tear up a bit when we talked about being best friends for so many years.. We did agree that we did not want to be enemies and we would catch up again. We hugged 3 times, he initiated them.

 

I felt it was good, at least hopefully now he will remember the person I was when we met and not the person I became while building the house. I know I can't hold my breath but it's a start. I guess I have to keep very low contact though as long as he is with this other girl. Right?

[NoGood90]

Wow...thats horrible and manipulative....

[heythereinsd]

Morning everyone, So this am I went to block my ex's new girl on FB to avoid the temptation and I guess he spoke to her last night (she called while he was at the house) because I couldn't find her so I guess she blocked me.

 

I was feeling hopeful last night thinking maybe things were turning around but now I am feeling that he was being nice just to be nice..... I am heart broken, we accomplished so much together and to just flush it all away is killing me.

 

I will continue to work on myself and do my best to move on. I wish I didn't believe in second chances!

[stripes]

I know it sucks bad heythereinsd, I feel for you, hang in there!

[RedKite]

She blocked you because she is insecure about what you and your ex had. There is really no reason for her to block you ... what a child.

 

Just you walk away, act like a woman who has real worth (even if it doesn't feel like it right now) and that your not very bothered because there are plenty of men out there who would die to be with you. People desire the things that others value!

 

You can act as crazy and sad as you want till you feel better, but NEVER let him see any of it. It's also fine to cling to a bit of hope, but in time you will realize that you don't even want him back. Hope will slow your healing, but it will make it easier as well.

 

You were together for a very long time and share a lot of memories. These things do not die ever. This girl is desperate and clingy (moving too fast), in my opinion. Show him your not and that you ooze with confidence (even if just by sticking to NIC) and when this new relationship ends he might be back.

[heythereinsd]

I think she blocked me because I did mention to my ex that I heard about her profile pic. We do have mutual friends on FB, so the chance of someone mentioning it to me are great. They must of figured I was snooping.. but she shouldn't have put it out there. As one friend of mine said to me " there are people on his fb that care about you and she is shoving it in their face that he easily and quickly replaced you".

 

I am feeling so hopeless this am. I think he really likes her, calling her all the time ect. When he was here and his cell rang (10pm) I said oops you better go, that's probably her seeing why you are still here (not mean or sarcastic) and he said, she doesn't know I am here, she's out of town. But when he checked it was her.

 

All I can think about is if she is out of town and with the holidays coming he will be visiting his family just gives him more time to miss and think about her instead of thinking about me. The timing is soo bad because we put the house on the market in Jan and I don't think he will be done with her by that time. Gawd this hurts

 

Can't stop rehashing all of our conversations.. dissecting... looking for glimmers of hope in how things were said. He wouldn't have said this if.. I would have said it this way if I didn't want to send the wrong impression..... Shoot me lol

[RedKite]

I really am very sorry for what you are going through. I have never had such a long relationship and cannot imagine how painful and confusing this must be for you.

 

I don't want to give you false hope. Getting back together happens very rarely, but it does happen. Just don't hold on to hope for too long, you don't want to be one of those people who pine after an ex for years.

 

The upcoming holiday situation that you spoke of could work in your advantage (small possibility) in that he will be away from her and with his family where you fit in already. I am pretty sure he will be thinking about you over the holidays.

 

You have obviously told him that you don't want the break-up? Then he knows how you feel. Let him be the one to initiate contact from now on. It will also do no harm if you put pictures on facebook of you having fun and enjoying your life, but nothing too blatant. Remember to remain dignified. You are super valuable and he must come to realize that in his own time. Recons happen, as far as I can tell, on average between 4 to 8 months post B/U.

 

She is a rebound and those seldom last. If he wants you back a sold house will make no difference, could even be a new, fresh start. If you had no basic incompatibilities and your bond was strong, you culd have a shot at getting back together. You will know when it is time to let go of hope.

[heythereinsd]

thanks ! yes, it's been very hard. I did all the pleading/reasoning until Sept when he finally told me he doesn't picture me in his future. I know those words have been said to others and they have reconciled but.....

 

He has blocked me from FB as well, so posting happy pics isn't going to help unfortunately. We did speak about being "friends" since we have been best friends for so long.. but then he said, you don't want to see tagged pictures of us do you? Didn't go into it further.

 

Once we sell the house it's gone. We spent so much time building it and it's cheaper than rent in our area so to lose it will be hard especially if there was a slight chance of getting back together. Sux, when we were speaking of his new relationship and he told me how well they get along...I said "build a house with her" (jokingly) and he said "one of the 1st things we agreed on was we weren't going to build a house *giggle*"

[RedKite]

How long has he and the new girl been together? Already talking about whether they will build a house together or not. They are moving way to fast! He is just trying to replace the intimacy and comfort he had with you. Most of these types of relationships don't last very long. She will always feel insecure about what the two of you had. They are in that honeymoon phase and no one is thinking clearly.

 

You gave this relationship your all, you fought for it, now you can never look back with regret.

 

He should not be talking to you about their relationship, he must know that it will hurt you!

[oreogod]

I know it's hard, and I know it sucks, but he doesn't get to use you as an outlet. That is for your really good friends and your lovers. He doesn't not get to live rent free in your head. He does not get to push your buttons.

 

We are emotional creatures and what you are feeling now is natural. Listen, we all know 95% of relationships are not going to last and the failure rate in a situation like this on his part is HUGE. The best you can do is be happy for him wish him the best, but he does not get to have the same time and attention you gave him before with no expectation on his part to recipicate any kind of true intimacy. You're better than that.