So many mixed signals

[Mistykitty]

I'm sorry for posting SO frequently here; its just that I'm looking for actual insight rather than "there are plenty of fish in the sea" which is all my friends are giving me.

 

IF you're not familiar with my previous threads, my boyfriend of 1.5 years dumped me about a month and a half ago. It was a "messy breakup" in the sense that he was rude and called me names and I cried and begged, but the next day there were no hard feelings and we almost carried on like normal (normal talking, just without the relationship part). As for causes, there were many small things--too lazy to list them here tbh but if it helps, please ask me to elaborate on them.

 

Like I said, its been about a month and a half and I have NO idea where we stand at this point. We talked like normal until about two weeks after, when I went NC for several days. He got mad and this prompted a discussion, where I learned that the door is still open for another chance, but I have to regain his trust and he'd like it to grow naturally from a friendship.

 

Understandable, and something I thought I could do. We exchange several texts a day and that's the extent of it, except for on Mondays when we have a class together--that's when it gets confusing. A couple weeks ago, he had parked his car right next to mine and was waiting for me there before class. He just wanted a chat I guess, and we chatted for about half an hour.

 

But now its at the point where we sit next to each other, talk and joke around the whole class, walk to and from class together. This past Monday we spent all day together at school, as we ate lunch together then went to class together. He also spent about half the time talking about and showing me vidoes of one of his newfound passions, something I KNOW he doesn't do with his other friends (he's not really the type to be open about those things). He does "childish flirty things" lke playfully bumps into me and flings things at me to get my attention.

 

But then the rest of the week, its kinda awkward. we do talk, like I mentioned, but its sporadic. Some days we can IM for hours straight and then others, like today, we exchange maybe one distant text.

 

I understand him wanting to be friends first, and even being undecided, but I'm starting to get a little tired of all this. When I asked him why he still wanted me around, he said he "doesn't want me to be out of his life, because he's trying to convince himself he wants to date me again". Last I checked, he hasn't changed his status on facebook from "in a relationship" (this was a week ago and I've since deactivated mine), and he still has all the little trinkets I've made him in his backpack in plain view.

 

I feel like I'm reading too much into things like that but I can't help it. Does it sound like there's any way another chance is coming? How long should I keep trying? He also told me "If you happen to move on before I decide, then that's what happens", but its KINDA hard to date other people with this going on x_x

 

Any insight is appreciated, thanks

[rask]

When he's with you, it's easy to fall back into the pattern you two had together before you broke up. It honestly sounds like he doesn't want to date you anymore, but doesn't want to be completely alone. "Convince" himself? You either want to date someone again or you don't, you don't need to be convinced and he shouldn't make you waste your time trying to convince him.

[Mistykitty]

Thank you for replying c:

People have said similar things but honestly I took it as him needing to forget the bad memories, etc (not sure how to word it). He said he was "looking for reasons to date me again"

[rask]

Thank you for replying c:

People have said similar things but honestly I took it as him needing to forget the bad memories, etc (not sure how to word it). He said he was "looking for reasons to date me again"

 

Have you asked him to hang out with you outside of class?

[stripes]

You guys aren't in a relationship, but he is still getting the benefits of your company without having any commitment to you, sounds a bit like he's having his cake and eating too. Maybe really needs to feel what it is like not having you around as much at least (I understand you guys have class together so you couldn't totally avoid him).

[Mistykitty]

Have you asked him to hang out with you outside of class?

Not yet; I am planning on it soon. Actually my plan was to give him this game I got him (ooold PS2 game so it was only a couple bucks) that he's been wanting for forever, giving it to him then saying "but you have to play it with me". Too much? One of the biggest things he liked in our relationship was that we could just chill and play games together

 

You guys aren't in a relationship, but he is still getting the benefits of your company without having any commitment to you, sounds a bit like he's having his cake and eating too. Maybe really needs to feel what it is like not having you around as much at least (I understand you guys have class together so you couldn't totally avoid him).

Yeah, I keep wanting to do NC again but its a bit hard knowing I'll just have to see him every week hah

[rask]

Not yet; I am planning on it soon. Actually my plan was to give him this game I got him (ooold PS2 game so it was only a couple bucks) that he's been wanting for forever, giving it to him then saying "but you have to play it with me". Too much? One of the biggest things he liked in our relationship was that we could just chill and play games together

 

 

Yeah, I keep wanting to do NC again but its a bit hard knowing I'll just have to see him every week hah

 

Sounds like a good idea to me. Would show that you are thinking about him and putting effort into reconnecting with him.

[Ms Darcy]

With you around, he can enjoy your company and not feel much loss. It's like he's using you to get over you.

[Mistykitty]

That's what I'm afraid of =/ Its just hard to tell whether the "let's be friends and go from there" is just BS to keep me around or not

[stripes]

Yeah, I agree with Ms Darcy, you're continuing to make it easy for him to be around you, but not with you. My sense is, he'll never make a decision to be with you as long whatever you guys are doing keeps up.

[Mistykitty]

Did a terrible thing last night -sigh- Texted him asking him if he wanted to talk about things, he said no because "that always ends up badly"

I told him that things are different now and that wouldn't happen, got frustrated when he wouldn't reply and then called him. To which he responded that I was being clingy again

 

he seemed pissed. Though I think this was finally the push I needed to go full NC. And then see how he acts around me during class Monday. I just hope I didn't screw things up too much...

[stripes]

Hey, I hear and feel for you, sometimes we just can help ourselves and I know what it's like.

 

I agree, sometimes we do need a push to go NC and I think you're right in seeing that especially with his response. Contacting him further will only keep him away. If it's meant to be, you'll hear from him after a period of not hearing from you and allowing him to be alone with his thoughts.

[Bella Donna]

Mistykitty,

 

How old are you guys and briefly can you briefly say what split you up in the first place? Have you managed not to contact him today?

[Mistykitty]

Mistykitty,

 

How old are you guys and briefly can you briefly say what split you up in the first place? Have you managed not to contact him today?

 

I'm 19 and he's 21. He switched majors so we're at the same place in college right now (two years in)

And yes, I haven't contacted him yesterday or today. I'm pretty proud of myself, but it also hurts knowing that he's not trying to contact me

 

As for the breakup, I started getting really depressed about halfway in and he wasn't sure how to handle that. i started cutting and everything (I've since stopped, yay!) and it threw him into a panic because he didn't want me to but wasn't sure how to deal, so it usually just came out as anger. There were other things, like me putting importance on his Facebook relationship status (stupid, I know) and silly things like that. The breakup happened after he snapped because I was bugging him while he was doing homework (though he never ASKED me to leave him alone). Just a case of small things adding up, really; there wasn't any cheating or anything involved so I can't help but feel like things are fixable =/ Especially after we've both had time to think about things

[Bella Donna]

Well done with not contacting him. I know it's an absolute killer but just remember that right now every single time you are the one to contact him, you see it as showing him that you care, he just sees you as needy and clingy and will pull further away from you.

 

I know it hurts that he hasn't contacted you so far, but give it some time. It has only been a couple of days.

 

On Monday just be yourself, if he speaks to you be pleasant and friendly but don't chase him. Right now he needs some space.

 

But also so do you - You are 19. Surely you would love to be with someone that is ecstatic to see you and spend time with you, not someone who is acting so wishy washy. You are a bright, young and no doubt attractive lovely girl - Enjoy this time and don't let any guy who doesn't make you feel special waste a second of your precious time. Easier said than done i know.

[Mistykitty]

Thank you, your reply means a lot

[Mistykitty]

Almost done with another day of NC. He's posting online about how sad he is (I know, I shouldn't be creeping but >_

 

At this stage I'm starting to doubt NC, since he's made it a point that our relationship should grow from a friendship again

[Shane Falco]

Almost done with another day of NC. He's posting online about how sad he is (I know, I shouldn't be creeping but >_

 

At this stage I'm starting to doubt NC, since he's made it a point that our relationship should grow from a friendship again

 

It's been two days, you haven't exactly tried NC. And you shouldn't be snooping on his Facebook (or whatever social media you are using). That's not exactly going NC either. You have to cut yourself off from him completely if you are going to go NC. It's hard to have faith in something when you aren't even doing it correctly.

[stripes]

Yeah, I know it's hard, but you've really got to give this NC thing a lot more time. If you see him tomorrow, try your best not to act nervous (I know it's tough) and don't let get the sense that you are upset/sad. Keep it light and take it from there...

[Mistykitty]

I understand it hasn't been long, but I just don't feel like he's the type to want a relationship with someone who doesn't even talk to them @-@ Then again, its not like I'm ignoring him...

And I have all his social media URLS blocked in my browser; it was just a tumblr post that popped up because I never unfollowed him (quit tumblr right after the breakup). Also I guess I forgot to add, it is helping me at least, so that's good

[strawberrybonb]

I'd definitely try to keep communication with him to a bare (very bare!) minimum. I followed a similar path with my ex. He never wanted to talk about the "heavy stuff" because it made him uncomfortable, so I made it a point to not bring it up. For 6 months. Whenever we had contact, I was my super fun, cheery self. Well, not too long ago, he told me that he'd healed up all nicely a long time ago and hardly even gave our relationship a second thought. Not only was I friend-zoned without a second thought, he used me to get over me. Just be careful not to fall into the trap!

[Mistykitty]

Blah, today went okay. I had a letter I was gonna give him but decided against it since he mentioned how stressed he is right now

 

Its hard to tell if he's even moving on or not since, like I said earlier, he still has a bunch of reminders of our relationship hanging around. maybe guys are different, but one of the first things I did was get rid of all reminders of our relationship x_x

[Shane Falco]

Blah, today went okay. I had a letter I was gonna give him but decided against it since he mentioned how stressed he is right now

 

Its hard to tell if he's even moving on or not since, like I said earlier, he still has a bunch of reminders of our relationship hanging around. maybe guys are different, but one of the first things I did was get rid of all reminders of our relationship x_x

 

No letters, no nothing. You need to let him be.

[Bella Donna]

Please don't send that letter Mistykitty,

You really will regret it.

[Mistykitty]

Goodness gracious, I'm actually surprised XD I've been in NC since we saw each other Monday and he just texted me. About him being employee of the month at his work, he's probably bragging to everyone about that but I'm honestly surprised he actually texted me =P