So many mixed signals

[Shane Falco]

You need to toughen up. No one here is trying to shame you, but we're also not going to tell you that you did something good when you didn't. Of course it's hard. Most things worth doing are hard. Everyone who has been in NC has struggled with it at some point or the other. But posters on here aren't going to tell you that everything is bubble gum and candy when it's not. That doesn't do you an ounce of good. But in general, you are just too sensitive. People here are trying to help you -- stop taking it personally. It's for your own good.

[Mistykitty]

I realize that, thanks. I KNOW I did a bad thing

And I am not sensitive. Its kinda hard to not "take things personally" when I get shamed for this, and I see others in the same situation being told "its okay, just restart NC. We know its hard"

 

If I wanted to be put down for my actions, I could tell any of my friends or family. I come here because I thought it was a supportive place.

[sharky988]

Sweetie, what do you need support with? If you want to go NC, just start it right now and come here and post every time you're tempted to break it in the future. You'll get plenty of help in sticking to it, promise!

[lavenderdove]

It is a supportive place, but sometimes you need to understand that if you are going in a direction that is going to cause you more hurt, people in essence 'shout' to get your attention so you'll stop and take heed. If all they did was say, 'oh, poor baby, how sad for you, i feel for you,' after a few of those posts, what is there to say because they basically don't give you any new perspective or support, just pat you on the hand so to speak which doesn't give you any new insight that might help you.

 

The reason you felt 'so much better' after contacting him is the same reason drug addicts feels so much better after that first hit of crack or alcoholics feel so much better after that first sip of a drink. You have made this guy your drug and are addicted to him, but if he has told you he's not interested in a relationship with you, contact with him is as bad for you as crack is for a crack addict but it just keeps you hooked and craving him rather than toughing out the period you must let pass in order to break your addiction to him.

 

He has SO much power over you and your thinking right now, in the same way that crack has over a crack addict where that is all they can think about and their becomes about searching for that next fix.

 

The way you described yourself before your last text to him was exactly the ideation an addict has. So your cure here is to go cold turkey and tough it out in order to be able to get over him and not have him occupy your thoughts constantly and drive your decisions and choices. Your goal is to be happy without him, and you can't do that when you are addicted to him and seeking just enough contact 'fixes' with him to keep you going until the next fix.

 

So write this down, 'Yes, i CAN do it. Yes, I CAN get my happiness and life back.' And you can! But the first step in doing that is recognizng there is no future happiness with someone who has rejected you and is not interested. So you are seeking water from a dry well there, and the more you seek it and the longer this goes on, the more desperate and thirsty you become.

 

People can and do let go of someone they love, whether that is thru an enforced breakup/rejection or a loss via death. So you CAN do it, people do it all the time, but you will have a transition period that is tough where you have to force yourself to let go because continuing to chase a dream that isn't possible because he is not interested in that same same and it is a waste of time and gets you more agony for longer in the end.

 

So he says he is not interested. You have to accept that, and if he is not interested in what you want and need from him, then you need to go. It may suit him to be friends if he has no interest in your romantically, but that is toxic for you, so you need to save yourself and get back into healing yourself by letting go of him and recognizing you do have a happy future, just not with him! So the sooner you let go of him and heal, the sooner you will be emotionally available to find someone new who does want to be with you. Just don't waste more time trying to cling to someone who has already told you you will never have the future you want with him, and 'friendship' crumbs at best.

 

Your happy future is there, just not with him. You need a man who wants you for more than just playing video games!

[eastonweston]

The way you described yourself before your last text to him was exactly the ideation an addict has. So your cure here is to go cold turkey and tough it out in order to be able to get over him and not have him occupy your thoughts constantly and drive your decisions and choices. Your goal is to be happy without him, and you can't do that when you are addicted to him and seeking just enough contact 'fixes' with him to keep you going until the next fix.

 

I find that theoretically most people understand the value and purpose of no contact; the tactical difficulty in actually implementing this when we know it's right is because we're always looking either for that one glimmer of hope in something they say, or we hope that with additional opportunities to 'prove' to them how happy you two are, it'll change their mind.

 

It's like, we feel that we were rejected for a certain reason, and that if we can just show them that we understand the reason and we can show that we're fixing it or changing it, then they'll see that and desire us again. To just stop replying to their attempts to talk to us, we're cutting off our changce to show them our good side.

 

I know this is flawed thinking, but it's the reason I've had trouble ignoring her texts to me. She literally just sent me a photo text 10 minutes ago of an item she found in a store. It's hard to justify ignoring that, solely because the thinking is that I can make her miss our 'fun' times, inside jokes, witty banter etc. I have a strong desire to show her that I no longer get angry, I no longer take everything so seriously, etc (all reasons given for the breakup).

 

Anyway, for me NC would be much easier if she never contacted me and I just had to restrain myself from reaching out to her. It seems so much harder when THEY are reaching out to you, to just ignore them.

 

E.

[Shane Falco]

I realize that, thanks. I KNOW I did a bad thing

And I am not sensitive. Its kinda hard to not "take things personally" when I get shamed for this, and I see others in the same situation being told "its okay, just restart NC. We know its hard"

 

If I wanted to be put down for my actions, I could tell any of my friends or family. I come here because I thought it was a supportive place.

 

The way you frame your posts also make people more willing to get on your case. You were trying to spin your break of NC and you were telling people not to tell you that you had a "stupid excuse". Doing things like this will make more people jump on you. If you had just said "I caved and broke NC" without trying to spin it, people would have responded more sympathetically IMO. But when you spin it, it seems like you are trying to justify it.

 

People make mistakes. NC is hard. You aren't the first nor the last that will break it. It's not the end of the world. But yeah, had you left the spin out of your story, I personally would have had a different tone in my response to you.

[bw92116]

For me it helps to identify my "clingy self" and my "adult non-clingy self" and then when there is an urge to contact, try to identify which of those is the one seeking the contact. And then sort of lecture myself, "No, you don't need to contact them, it won't get you anything good, it will probably only result in more pain..." and so forth. For me it helps to identify my clingy nature as almost a separate person inside me, that I can have control over. It's tough, as the urges can be strong and seem uncontrollable, and sometimes I need outside help from friends or this web site. But other times I can handle it myself, and it seems like I'm talking to another person within me - not in a schizophrenic way, more like just one aspect of my personality (the more mature and wholly complete person) talking to another aspect of my personality (the more childlike, clingy person who doesn't feel whole without a connection or attachment to someone else). Sometimes that helps me to get out of those urges.

[Mistykitty]

Thank you for the repsonses, everyone.

Like I've said a million times before, I realize that I'm clingy. I have never denied that, but I don't think I'm being as extreme as some of you are making me out to be. I come here for support and venting (different than "holding my hand", I don't want that), because I don't have anyone "in real life" to help me

 

Anyways, what am I supposed to do when that happens at work? At home its fine, but obviously breaking down crying during work because I want to say something to him isn't the best thing =/

[bw92116]

Try to have an alternate activity ready to distract you. Something that requires mental concentration. I know you can't play a game at work, but puzzles and games like sudoku can help distract your mind from it. Or else just some work task that requires your full concentration to do. And a short crying session is always a great relief too. I know you can't do that at work but if you could sort of "put it off" until your break time, then take a walk on your break outside, and let it all out during that walk, you may feel a LOT better afterwards and the urge will go away. Little by little, both the urges and the crying will diminish in intensity.

[Shane Falco]

Thank you for the repsonses, everyone.

Like I've said a million times before, I realize that I'm clingy. I have never denied that, but I don't think I'm being as extreme as some of you are making me out to be. I come here for support and venting (different than "holding my hand", I don't want that), because I don't have anyone "in real life" to help me

 

Anyways, what am I supposed to do when that happens at work? At home its fine, but obviously breaking down crying during work because I want to say something to him isn't the best thing =/

 

You're clingy, but I've seen worse. My issue, like I said, was more of the spinning of your actions, trying to justify them. But whatever, my point has been made on that, no need to belabor it.

 

And you need to find some sort of release at work. Maybe head outside and get some fresh air -- take a water break or a bathroom break and get out what you need to get out. But contacting the ex is the worst idea -- you are just feeding the addiction. NC is hard and emotions are hard to deal with, but going to the source of the emotions is bad idea jeans. Maybe bring a stress ball to work and squeeze the crap out of it.

[sharky988]

..

Anyway, for me NC would be much easier if she never contacted me and I just had to restrain myself from reaching out to her. It seems so much harder when THEY are reaching out to you, to just ignore them.

 

E, why don't you ask her to stop texting and let her know you'd like to go NC? Otherwise, she's got no reason to stop -- until she starts dating someone else, and even then she might continue if you don't tell her otherwise.

[Mistykitty]

Well. Today was ~the Last Time~ I'll ever see him again. Well, we'll see each other for class next week, but that's our exam, so not really communicating.

Since it was the last day, I figured we may as well talk. He approached me first, and was telling me about this trip him and his friends are planning on, and his plans for winter break? I know its just habit, but it feels a bit weird knowing things about his life nowadays =P

 

I am anxious to see how it progresses from here. I feel like seeing each other every week, regardless if we talked or not, has really slowed down my healing, and perhaps made HIM not really miss me. I plan on going through ALL of this month with NC (its day 3 already!), and I have a feeling he'll contact, or at least start really missing me since he's told me several times now that he has nobody to talk to about things anymore.

 

Anyways. No, I don't know why I'm still posting here. I suppose its me venting or whatever. ALSO! Today while driving home, I had the best thought come to me. I just randomly thought "hey, its just a breakup". Which is incredible to me because there was nothing leading up to it, I was just singing along to the radio and then it hit me. I think its fair to say that's a pretty big indicator that I'm healing