strawberrybonb

I have a couple of stories to share. My roommate and his girlfriend were together for about a year but broke up because she felt smothered. He begged for a couple of weeks before finally giving up and going NC. A month later, he started going out and trying to meet new girls. Pretty soon, he met a nice girl, got her phone number, and arranged to go on a date with her. Well, a couple of days before he was supposed to go on the date, his ex called him up to meet. They met up, she told him she wanted to get back together, and the rest is history. They've been back together for about a year, and they're extremely happy. This next story is about a coworker of mine. He and his wife dated for a couple of years before breaking up (don't know the reason). After they broke up, he moved halfway around the world. He was planning to stay there for 1 year. After about 6 months, he came back briefly to visit family. He ran into his then-ex while he was back, and they decided to rekindle their relationship. 4 months later, he moved back so that they could be together. Less than a year after that, they got married. They've been married for 2 years.

I keep telling myself that I should spend more time away from eNA, but I really love this thread. It helps me a lot to get my thoughts out... to pretend that I'm sharing my thoughts with you, even though I know you will never see them. There is something that still confuses me. Even after all this time, even after everything you put me through, when my life is falling apart at the seams, I still... I still want to talk to you. You don't even have to be here. I just want to be able to pick up the phone and pour out all of my thoughts to you, just like I used to. I don't understand why this is. You made it perfectly clear while we were together that you had no interest in listening to my problems. You were only there for me when it suited you. So why doesn't my Lizard seem to understand this? To her, you are still my safe haven. You're still the rock I can bury myself beneath to hide from the ills of this world. Silly, Lizard. Can't you see that he's not a rock? He's merely a leaf, and the wind will blow him away before you can even blink. Maybe there's something she knows that she's not telling me. I wonder what it could be?

It's funny, the little things that still remind me of you. I wonder when/if that will ever stop? Today was the first time I had spoken about you in months to another person, well, in person (as opposed to on eNA). It was a little hard. I realized that some of the pain, though no longer fresh, still tugs at me. But here's the cool thing. I did not cry. Yeah, you read that right. I did NOT cry. Ah, progress.

Was it only a week ago that I wrote that? What a surprise. I can't believe how far I've come in a week! It's true what they say: distance brings clarity. Looking back on it now, I'm surprised at how much **** I put up with. I was in a world of pain and still I kept holding on. I'm so glad I finally realized it wasn't worth it anymore. You know, I had thought this would hurt more. I thought it would feel like breaking up all over again, but it hasn't been that bad at all. I guess I'd been slowly pulling away from you over the last few months. Killing our connection was nothing like killing the love I had for you. Is that what the break-up was like for you? I couldn't understand how you seemed to move on so quickly. People here constantly talk about how the dumpers spend months distancing themselves before they finally break things off. I'd thought you were different. How silly! Of course you were already moving on. You even told me that's what you were doing. I just foolishly thought I'd managed to convince you that you shouldn't give up. Looking back, I realize you were just going through the motions. You'd let me go long, long ago. And now, it seems, I've let you go. Still, there's a small, vindictive part of me that hopes our roles are reversed right now. That I have cut the cord while you were still hanging on. I know it's petty, but I hope right now you're sad. That you're missing me. That you're missing our awesome, awesome connection. Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't. I haven't been obsessing over your hypothetical thoughts this week. And knowing that, I feel freer than ever.

The other day, I heard "Seasons in the Sun". I hadn't heard that song in years. It took me a while to remember what it was called, even. It brought tears to my eyes. I remember singing it as a little girl, knowing that it was a sad song but not fully understanding what it meant. I think it's kind of fitting for us now... "We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun..." "Goodbye my trusted friend..."

I woke up in the middle of the night. I was seized by this terrible, hollow feeling of loss. I don't know if it's partially the effect of some of the other threads I was reading on eNA yesterday or what, but... I felt it so deeply, the death of our connection. But!! Maybe this is a good thing. I wanted a clean slate with you; it's part of the reason why I finally declared NC for us. Maybe this is what needs to happen so that, if our paths do cross again, we can truly start anew. I don't want to carry the pain and fear and insecurities and resentment from our former relationship with me forever. As if I don't already have enough baggage! For the first time in six months, I think I can truly see the light at the end of the tunnel. There's no turning back now. I'm not dragging your half-limp form behind me anymore. I've cut the cord, and I think any day now, I may hit the ground running. Oh. I received a text this morning. For a fleeting moment, I thought it might be from you. I laughed at myself a bit after the thought passed. I know there's no way it would have come from you. The really brilliant part, though, was that I only felt the mildest disappointment. Like I said, I knew it couldn't have been you. That never stopped me from hoping in the past, but I can see now that I am learning to leave that hope behind. I really have done this sooner, shouldn't I?

Goodness, I'm feeling so good today. I feel a little guilty about it, but I'm just feeling so relieved!! I don't know if it's because I finally stood up for myself or because I've been crazy busy this week or because people are trying to set me up and get me out there again. (Truth be told, the guy is woefully not my type, but he really knows how to treat a girl right.) You did something unexpected again. Somehow, you never fail to surprise me. How is it that I ever thought I knew you? It was a nice gesture. I appreciated it, even though I'm unsure of your intent. I almost wrote you to say "thank you". However, it didn't really play my heartstrings like it would have once. I felt vaguely surprised, then a bit "huh, that was nice," then... not a whole lot, really. To think that as recently as a week ago, this would have sent me into another tailspin. What a marvel. It makes me a little sad to think that we've been reduced to this. I used to live for the sound of your voice, the feel of your embrace... That's all changed now. I think I could really do without you in my life in any capacity--uncomfortable ex, friend, lover, acquaintance. It saddens me... yet it makes me feel light. I wonder what will become of us. I've collected a giant host of stories that I want to share with you. I suspect I may forget most of them soon... Again, unfortunate yet unavoidable. I hope you are well.

I can't believe only half a day has passed. My emotions have been all over the spectrum today, and it's only been a few hours since I woke up! Initially I was anxious... then downright frightened... and eventually it became elation, relief, anger, contentment. If I'd thought the past few months were up and down.... this is the condensed version. I was feeling pretty down a little while ago. I wasn't really sure why. I feel that an immense burden has been lifted from my shoulders (and more importantly, from my heart), so I know I made the right choice. I guess I'm just in that stage of overthinking and second-guessing. I know I did the right thing because I finally did something for ME and not for YOU. I've let thoughts of you run my life for far too long. I realized long ago that I lost myself when we were together. I thought I'd been taking steps to find myself again, but I see now that was not the case. I was still worried about what you would think, trying to please you, trying to keep you in my life even though it was extremely taxing to do so. I feel liberated. No more am I that pathetic dog sitting at your heels, whining for scraps or a pat on the head. I'm my own person now. And I finally get to figure out just who that person is.

Who are you? I find myself asking this question more and more as time passes. Just who are you anyway? The you of my memories and the person you are now are very, very different people. It confuses me every time I have contact with you because, well, you're a complete stranger to me now. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say. It's frightening. It's exhausting. I just want to give you a call and clear the air. Figure out once and for all who we are. Are we still two close friends? Am I just "somebody that you used to know"? What are you thinking? Why, why, why, why, why do you always keep your thoughts to yourself? I really wish I knew what you were thinking! I'm groping blindly in the dark here. Won't you lend me a hand? If this keeps up... If this keeps up, I'm going to put my foot down once and for all. It's going to hurt. My GOD is it going to hurt. It'll be like breaking up all over again, I'm sure. But maybe this is something we should have done the first time around. Maybe it's time for me to say goodbye for real....

6 months. It's been over 6 months. I really saw myself in a different place by now. At least, where my life is concerned. Where you're concerned... I never really saw myself in this place 6 months ago either. It's weird. I'm in a sort of limbo. I have managed to knock you off of that d*** pedestal. (yay) But I haven't been able to cut you out of my life yet. You're like that thorn in my paw that I just... can't... can't quite... Have you moved on? Most signs point to yes. But every once in a while... something happens... I think you're not quite there yet. You haven't quite fully moved on. Not that I obsess over that anymore. I don't think I would even begrudge you moving on. I just wish you'd let ME move on. That's the part that gets me. Every single time. I feel like you're moving on, and I'm ok with that. But what if I want to move on? Oh, heaven forbid! And so you continue to sting me. Once in a while. Just to remind me that you're there. When did you become so cruel?

Wow. I hate you so much right now, I could just scream. I would scream, except then I'd have to explain to my housemates why I'm screaming. I hate you so much that I'm shaking. If you were here right now I'd slap you. Mostly, though, I just hate myself. I hate myself for continuing to let you be a part of my life. I hate myself for letting you continue to take me for granted. I hate that I thought we were finally becoming FRIENDS. Because it's obvious we aren't. There's no way in h*** you'd treat your friends this way. Who do you think you are that you get to treat me like this? I. Hate. You. Thanks for tainting the fond memories I had of you. I hope you suffer.

How do I wish to change thee? Let me count the ways. I wish you weren't so stupidly picky about your stupid food. And self-righteous about it to boot. I wish you'd put your money where your mouth is. Thanks for telling me all that stuff you thought I wanted to hear. I wish you weren't so emotionally scarred. By some girl you dated a decade ago. I wish you didn't take me for granted. I wish you realized that I was worth fighting for. I wish I hadn't given so much of myself to you.

I'm not sure why I continue to let you into my life. Some days, I really, really believe that we'll be together again. Other days, I remember all of the stress and self-doubt that ate at me coming down to the end, and I think that I'm really much better off without you. Thankfully, today's one of those days that I'm glad we're no longer together. But there's still a part of me that misses you. Misses the way you used to hold me. Misses being able to talk to you when I was down. Misses calling you when I saw something funny. I'll admit it. I'm lonely. I'm not in a very good place in my life right now. At least, I'm not in a place where I want to be (and, no, it's not because of you... well, I can't say you didn't have a hand in it). But I'm working on it. I'm going to pick myself up and get out of this !*&^@ mess. I'm going to show you that I don't need you to be happy. I never needed you to be happy. I don't know why I left myself forget that.

I just want to know why. WHY THE HELL DID YOU CONTACT ME??! I'd finally crossed the line. I was certifiably bat sh*t crazy. Even I knew that. I needed to get away. Needed to heal myself. I was ready to disappear. Isn't that what you freaking wanted? Didn't you want me to leave you the hell alone already? So, again, I have to ask. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! I wasn't planning to respond, you know. Responding doesn't fit into the whole "disappearing" thing very well after all. But you said you were feeling down, and I just... I don't know. I felt like I couldn't just abandon you. I made you a promise that I would never abandon you, and for some stupid reason, that promise felt like the most important thing in the world. If you can be guilty of loving someone too much, then I think I should be locked up. So many times, so many times, I put your feelings before mine. I let you walk all over me. Maybe it's time I finally stood up for myself.

Would you be surprised if I told you I didn't want to talk to you anymore? I suppose you might. I've been responding to your breadcrumbs all along after all. (For the record, I'm kicking myself for that.) I hate that I continue to have expectations of you. If I were to be more honest with myself, I would admit that there is still a large (DELUSIONAL) part of me that believes we'll end up together again someday. Every time you talk to me, I'm listening for those "magical" words. They never come. I wish, I wish, I wish... If wishes were dimes, I'd be a very rich girl indeed. You want to know what the real problem is? The problem is that I'm scared. I'm so ridiculously scared to let you go. And I don't even know why! It's over. There's nothing left for me to lose. So why am I so afraid to let you go? What is it that I think I'll lose by letting you go?